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WWE UK Championship Tournament Thoughts

               WWE’s UK Championship Tournament provided what it promised: It was very UK, it had a championship, and a tournament. Thus, it is a success. FIVE STARS.

               Wait what? I should say more? That isn’t an acceptable standard of review? Well, shut up, Strawman. Let’s do this!

- God the facility is gorgeous. Definitely getting Hammerstein Ballroom vibes, which is always good. In general, it just makes the whole thing feel classy. It was like the whole tournament has its pinky up, slowing sipping Earl Grey and discussing the price of tea in China. It also makes for an excellent juxtaposition for the violence. I don’t know what it is, but the cinematic cacophony of the very nice ballroom and the brutal forearms made gave this event a sort of timeless quality.

 - The best part of overseas wrestlers is the stories of how young they started training. I swear they said something about Pete Dunne (ohmygod he’s amazing – more on him later) being 23 but having been a wrestler for 11 years. It’s like they live in Mad Max times and anything goes. If you had told me one of the competitors learned a suplex before he was potty trained, I’d believe you but secretly decide to Google it later, then forget and tell everyone about it even though I hadn’t verified it. It just sounds true, you know?

 - The first round had a ton of filler. A lot of these guys clearly aren’t ready for WWE. But someone had to get pinned, right? Good exposure for them too. In my head, I christened the first round “The Pay Me More Classic”. Someone’s going to catch up on some bills when they start getting booked again!

 - Every time a wrestler scowls at the crowd, drink.

 - You are dead.

 - I’m sorry.

 - Apparently, from this sample size, “I’m an angry lad from a tough family” is the UK’s most popular gimmick, narrowly beating out “Look at my weird ear” and “Moustaches are personality”.

 - It feels like there’s way more heels than faces here but that might just be because even some of the faces look angry. I’ve never seen more pissy looking people in one room since I was hanging out with Trump in that Russian hotel. Good times….good times…

 - I enjoyed the story told through the tournament. Inevitably every tournament tells some variation of the early injury story but I thought they did a nice play on it here. Bate didn’t sell it very well at first but he came out for the final match like he was about to tell some death bed secrets. And if you aren’t using wrestling tournaments as a format to tell stories, then what’s the point? Every wrestling tournament should be what we wish actual sports tournaments were. It should have the crazy upsets of every March Madness and the through-line of stories every good Superbowl matchup does (basically, anyone with Kurt Warner). In real sports, we don’t always get the best opponents because real life is a thing and some teams, no matter how fascinating, suck, but when you pick the winners? Wrestling tournaments should always be some variation of Cavs/Warriors or Indians/Cubs.

 - What caught my eye was the way they established Dunne as a threat night one. Every single match he wrestled after, the crowd was on their feet. Not because he was a good wrestler (but ohmygod he is) but because he had a character. The villain makes the story. By creating the mystique of Pete Dunne, every battle versus him was a mini-morality play, pitting the scrappy underdog who believes in not just himself but the tournament as an idea against a man so vicious he will destroy the very tournament he wants to win because he rather take everyone with him than die alone. Dunne is self-destructive, and therefore, more dangerous than anyone. A man who doesn’t even care for his own welfare is a hazard to everyone else’s. That gave the spectacular Mark Andrews and the underrated Tyler Bate (underrated because I don’t think he showed everything he was capable of until the last two bouts) someone to define THEM. Defining a babyface’s motivation is tricky because it’s so cliché and honestly, vague (“I wanna be the best!” “I just want to follow my dreams!”), but heels are inherently more complex, and thus, are useful for filling in the blanks of the hero; anything the villains stands FOR, we can presume the hero stands AGAINST. Dunne executed his role with vigor and gave the viewer the impression Andrews and Dunne were folk heroes. Just incredible.

 - God, Devlin is a mess. I mean, let’s just start with the fucking hilarious fact he DOESN’T want to be compared to Balor. YOU DON’T WANT TO BE COMPARED TO HIM?! THEN WHY DO YOU LOOK LIKE HIS STUNT DOUBLE?! Why would you even come out in that jacket with his stupid 90’s comic book character haircut (I’m lying, I love the Undercut) and walk down to the ring like you’re mo-capping him for a video game?! My theory is he doesn’t speak English, and thus his contradictory word salad is null and void. This is what I have to tell myself.

 - But it’s not just that. He was just average to be honest. I think WWE unfairly created expectations that he couldn’t live up to with an average but not exciting moveset (yes, this is somewhat required from heels, but it doesn’t mean he has to be boring either) and a lack of charisma his counterpart possesses in spades. His heel work came off like he was doing a bit, it never felt authentic for me. His face didn’t sell it and ugh, he never stopped smiling. If you’re going to smile, at least do a creepy one, you know? My number one problem with wrestlers is when you can tell they don’t believe what they’re saying/doing. Conviction is so important for this, more important that it is for a traditional actor, even, because wresting carries with it the uncertain expectation that it could be real. No one suspects Girl Meets World is real. But Raw is up in the air to a certain segment of fans, by nature of wrestling’s…well, nature. Devlin didn’t make me believe. He just seemed like he was having a lot of fun pretending to be a bad guy.

 - Though I’m working on the theory that WWE purposely oversaturated us with Devlin’s obnoxious backstory knowing we’d turn on him, like an intended Roman Reigns/Old Cena situation (aka NXT Bo Dallas, who was too beautiful for this world). This is dangerous: a self-aware WWE is the first sign of the apocalypse.

 - Whenever Michael Cole doesn’t have Vince McMahon in his ear, he’s startlingly competent. He did a great job calling the moves, setting up Nigel, and generally sounding like he cared. This is a recurring pattern (remember how great he was during Beast in the East?) and makes you wonder if they’re being overproduced. Or maybe Cole is just bored by Raw at this point. Yelling at Byron Saxton for three hours would tire me out too.

 - Pete Dunne is Kevin Owens by way of Daniel Bryan, and thus, shouldn’t exist and is a threat to tear a hole in spacetime. I can’t praise him enough, from his stiff looking work to his surprising willingness to both take and sell for smaller guys to his preternatural skill leering at people like they stole his birthday cake. I don’t want to fall into hyperbole here and make him out to be the second coming of Jesus (our savior lost in the first round, per the crowd) but with a little more training – cameras, presentation and the usual stuff almost finished grapplers polish up on – he’s Intercontinental Champion. Big fan.

 - Special space here to praise Danny Burch as well. Just polished to an insane degree, he had everything you look for in a television wrestler. The expertise of the Performance Center continues to just blow me away. Put this man back on NXT or promote him. But do something with him. If Pete Dunne is almost finished, Danny Burch is a complete product. Oh, and I’d be remised if I didn’t mention Wolfgang too. He comes off (along with Trent Seven) as the wrestler who is most themselves. Wolfy possesses that innate ability to endear himself because he’s clearly just a guy who loves this so much. That kind of thing goes far. It’s a natural relationship with the crowd, the kind of thing guys like Ziggler would kill for.

 -  All in all, it didn’t reach the highs of the CWC’s Ring of Honor Lite (same great taste, fewer calories!) meets WWE, but it on a whole, it told a better yarn and I’m so biased toward three act stories, so I’m inclined to favor the UK Tournament.- It was better than that new old-timey Pepsi but not as good as glass bottle Coke.

- It was better than that new old-timey Pepsi but not as good as glass bottle Coke.