cringetastic

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I had to pee really bad and o forgot that I had just sliced jalapeño peppers and the chef is looking nice at me weird because I’m pouring milk on a rag and running to the bathroom

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Iconic

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Racist white women after they tell you they have a Black boyfriend 

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i think puberty works only for guys 

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i hope iphone 6 is a flip phone

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So I used to have a Russian friend who had a pretty thick accent and like a lot of Russians tended to eschew articles. She would say things like “Get in car.” And stuff.

Well one day this asshole who had been kind of tagging along with us asks her why she talks like that because it makes her sound dumb and I still remember her response word for word.

“Me? Dumb? Maybe in America you have to say get in THE car because you are so stupid that people might just get in random car, but in Russia we don’t need to say that. We just fucking know because we are not stupid.”

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okay peter going “oh you’re using your made up name” to doctor strange isn’t just funny because peter is awkward it’s funny bc, no, doctor strange is really a doctor and his last name really is ‘strange’ and he had a random teenager in a spider-suit invalidate all of that and go “that’s clearly silly and fake”

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me: *studying for 15 minutes*

me: i can't do this anymore

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i want a cute boyfriend and $500,000

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