croakree-blog

[croakree-blog]

Loss

You know the only type of lost I’ve ever felt is death. I always thought that kind of loss would be the only type of loss that hurts. Missing someone that no longer exists on the planet. Someone you can’t see, touch, feel anymore. I felt a new type of loss today.

I’ve experienced breakups before. I’ve always wanted them. These boys always gave me something to want to break up for. So I’ve never grieved a relationship. I knew I was always better off without them holding me back. Maybe I was a kid. Maybe they just weren’t it. I’ve dated, and people have ghosted me and I never took offence to any of them, mostly because I know I don’t have actual feelings for any of them. I enjoy the company and the attention, when I want it, when I have it. 

But this is so very different. Things were going so well. He was so easy to be with, easy to talk to and he made me comfortable and happy. That is exactly why it hurts the way it does right now. He never gave me a reason to need to be upset or angry at him. I knew he always tried. As foreign and uncomfortable as it was for him, I knew he tried. I can see it and I feel it and that’s all I needed. 

So when he distanced for that week, I knew it wasn’t his intent to be malicious. I could sense the uncertainty and the cold. I knew it was coming but I knew it was never his intention to hurt me the way he did. He has too much to work through and I am impeding his healing. I am impeding him during his journey to recovery and I just came at an overall bad time. I should’ve known that and this never was, and never will be his fault. 

So when he told me I’d find someone who was out there for me or that we’d cross paths again and the outcome would be different, I cannot explain the way those words shattered me. It means he doesn’t think he’d be the one. It’s wishful thinking but I really wished he was. Everything was good about him. Even as I type this I cannot come up with a single moment where I had a bad feeling about him. 

“I wouldn’t consider this a failed relationship, we both learned alot in our journey to building something out of this” And I really did. I learned truly how much I treasured this guy.

I was so busy looking for his red flags I missed how much he was actually trying despite having his own struggles. I put way too much pressure on him. It was an easy relationship, for me. Who knows how difficult it was for him. 

It still hurts and it’s all so raw. This feeling of losing someone who’s still around. It’s not the loss of a relationship I’m mourning, but the loss of a person I truly cherish. For awhile or for a long time, we’d never know. The future is uncertain regardless of who I end up with. Even with a man who fulfills all the checklists in the world, mine, my parents’, my friends. Nobody told me it was this painful and risky to ever delve in a relationship. I never even managed to tell this guy that I loved him. 

I’m not going to wait for him because if I decide on that, I’d wait on him for a long time, because you know damn well I will. So instead I will just focus on healing. I don’t foresee myself being with anyone else, for a loooooooooong while. I just don’t have the desire to replace him right now. Or maybe forever. I don’t know if I want to get over him to be honest. There’s really no one more deserving of my feelings then this fella was. And that means alot. Coming from me. I don’t have good feelings about men in general... even tighter group of close friends. A small part of me hopes he’s hurting like I am. 

I’m hopeful he’ll come back but I don’t want to pressure him. So I’ll just wait from far. I’ll watch all his milestones and wonder when he’ll be ready. Maybe it wasn’t that he wasn’t ready, maybe it just wasn’t me. 

I hope you come across this one day and know how much you mean to me. Maybe you’ll read this when you’re in a stable long term relationship. Maybe you’ll read this when I’m in a stable relationship. Or when you’re employed.. I know that’s your biggest worry. But I don’t worry about that for you, I know you’ll succeed. No doubt. Maybe I’ll ask you to read this when we’re super close bros and we’ll puke at the thought that we ever had feelings for each other. How different are things from now? Because I hope you’d read this when we find our way back to each other when you’re ready. This is undoubtedly one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to experience. Weird! Considering we barely know each other. I’m sorry I ever put you through what I did. 

I hope things are very different when you read this. Different but the same. You’ll always be important to me, no matter how much I may deny it in the future. But maybe you’re not for my future. I never had the chance to say it, so I’ll say it now when it’s all already too late; I love you.

[croakree-blog]

Recovery

I see the light in the skies when I look up now. I treasure the regular days, days where I don’t feel anything in particular, because it meant that I didn’t hurt. Some days I wish I could hold your hand for a little longer. I still remember how they feel. A little chubby and cute, loved it just the way it was. 

I can think of you when I want to and I can stop, just for a little while, if I wanted to. I wonder what you’ve been up to. How are you? What have you seen from being that high up in the sky? Do you know what’s coming next for me? For him? For our friends? How does our future look? Am I meeting you soon, or do I have a bit longer to go? Are you waiting for me?

Some days I feel lonely, but other days, I know even when I feel alone, I know you’re looking over me. I know you’re telling me that I have nothing to worry about, that life will fall in place.

Sometimes I worry that I treasure you too much, a little more than God, but I understand he gifted you to me, and to Him, I am grateful and thankful for the brief but beautiful moment we crossed paths. He knew you were destined for greatness, so He showed me you, so I could understand what it meant to be kind and graceful. 

I love you. I still do. I don’t think anything will change the way I feel about you. 

[croakree-blog]

Here we are

It did not hit me how many days has passed since you have left us. I was counting down the months because I had a whole monologue with myself this morning about how I still feel about you. 8 months. A whole 8 months. 4 more months and we’d be having your very first anniversary. Things go by THAT fast.

But in all true honesty, it only feels like it has been 3 months. Or lesser. Talking about you still hits a sore spot. I feel okay. But there are still nights where I feel like you’d come back. All still seems a little bit like a nightmare. I cannot believe I lost my best friend. Maybe one day we’d meet again. 

I remember crying to you, crying for you and those tears they don’t fall so hard anymore. But with each passing day I love you more. I’m not going to lie though, your passing left me with many emotional traumas I’m still trying to work through today. My commitment issues, my inability to form new lasting friendships due to the fear that one day, just like you, a person I end up loving that much will only leave me. My fear is not my death, but the death of everyone else around me. 

Is it weird that I still remember how you smell? That specific places hits a little differently. I remember the seat you took at my favourite salon. I remember exactly where you sat while we ate at KFry in JB. I remember where you sat as we enjoyed mookata. I remember all the karaoke nights as we had our (very serious) camp IC meetings. More importantly, I remember the exact moment I told Riyadh that I wanted you to be the other IC. That started so many things for us. I don’t remember an awkward moment with you. Not even at our first meeting.

As I type this, I have goosebumps. Knowing that all our memories were always so good, full of laughter and happiness. Not a dull moment with you. I read back our messages, and I remember you being so genuinely happy for me that I made it to the school and course I wanted, without me even letting you know  that it happened to me. I knew you loved me. I just only hope you knew I love you. 

But you taught me so many things. How big a heart can be. How much you can truly love a person without expecting anything in return. I always miss you. I miss you on my good days and I miss you more on the bad days. 

You will always be my baby. I love you. Still do.