crow-goblin-musings - Tumblr blog

[crow-goblin-musings]

I have decided to quit my job. I feel like if I don't say it somewhere I'm going to explode, but telling people I know makes it way too real and I'm already on the verge of a panic attack when I think about it for too long, so into the void it goes.

I've been there for (over) 7 years, have been various degrees of miserable for the majority of my employment, and still I'm so hesitant to leave. The main thought I have is so much of my self has revolved around this company, and if I leave then it was all for nothing. I have so many non-transferrable skills and pieces of knowledge, and now I'm going to have to start from scratch.

If I stay there I'll be so deeply unhappy, but it's safe and familiar. I know how much of myself I can get away with showing, and what parts I need to hide away; a new job means re-moulding myself into someone who fits what they want, and that is so stressful. Then again, I barely know who I am these days, other than "so very, very tired".

I'm leaving without another job lined up, which feels incredibly irresponsible. I don't know what kind of job I want to do, or who I want to work for. I don't know how long it's going to take to get a new job, especially because I loathe every part of the job hunting process. But I do know that since deciding to do this, the oppressive feeling of pointlessness has lessened just enough to know I'm doing the right thing.

Sure I'm terrified. I feel like I want to cry, or vomit, or both. But there is still an undercurrent of excitement or positivity there. But the thoughts of hopelessness I have when I think about spending any more time at this job are concerning enough that if I don't quit I'm worried I'll do something I can't undo.

[crow-goblin-musings]

I miss the casual intimacy that comes with being in a relationship. That knowledge that if I am sad, someone is there to comfort me. Someone who will hug me while I cry; someone who will hold my hand just because; someone to lean against, literally and figuratively, when having to be a human is just too hard.

I know my friends would help if I asked, but it feels pathetic having to essentially book in some time to get a hug. Plus when my social circle consists solely of people in relationships, it makes sense in my head that those relationships will be higher on their lists of priorities than their miserable lonely touch-starved friend. And I'd rather be sad and lonely over sad, lonely, and rejected.

So instead, I'll pretend it's not a big deal. That I'm focussing on what makes me happy, or whatever the current bullshit line is that day. Maybe if I pretend hard enough I'll be able convince myself as well.