crumpled-leaves

[crumpled-leaves]

i love her, i love her, i love her, i love her, i love her, i love her, i love her

i love her so much it hurts. why couldn't I see that? why ever did i think I'd fallen out of love with her? why did i fuck up a relationship that was so wonderful for me? for both of us?

I can't say anything. I've lost her and that's that. I won't play with her heart like that. But god does losing her rip me apart inside.

[crumpled-leaves]

Ohhh shiiittttt .... Yeah that hits

someone who destroyed your mental health

can not be the love of your life

[crumpled-leaves]

This was a harsh lesson for me to learn. My father would get mad at me for setting boundaries... She always used to tell me after I would come home from my grandmother's house that i was acting "like a spoiled brat" and yell at me, but it took me years to realise that I was just acting like I deserved to be treated like a human, not a child that was property.

Somebody being mad at you doesn’t always mean you did something wrong.

[crumpled-leaves]

I'll never be who I was before. I'll never be that happy-go-lucky little kid. I was broken by it. I'm putting myself back together but I will never, ever be the same. I miss that kid I was. I miss who I was before I was forced to grow up far, far too fast. I miss the old me. But that doesn't mean I can bring him back.

Stop trying to be who you were before your trauma.

It’ll only exhaust and frustrate you. It’s okay to have changed.

[crumpled-leaves]

My emotions are at 20% saturation today. I feel like I'm floating and simply not existing. I have work to do, I have tests coming up, and I've been having flashbacks every few hours. I feel like I can't work because if I try then I won't get as much as I want done. I still feel like my father's standing over my shoulder watching me whenever I try to work telling me I can do better. I feel him there whenever I try to relax, telling me to work, telling me I'm not allowed to do anything fun until I'm done with everything. I feel like I should be able to cry but I haven't been able to in months. I've been happy lately, doing well, enjoying life, and thinking I was better. Now I'm back in my old ways, ignoring my problems under the guise of resting so I can tackle them. I've been desperate for help but I can't reach out for it. I feel like I'm going to relapse but I can't let that happen. I can't hurt myself again.

[crumpled-leaves]

My mother just called me bunny. That is a trigger for me. My father called my genitals "bunny" when he abused me. I'm now trying not to hyperventilate, sitting in a corner of my room. No place in my house was ever safe. My room, my basement, the kitchen, the living room, his office. The only rooms I had that were never tainted while the abuse was going on were the garage and the furnace room, and the furnace room was the site of one of the worst of my memories from the end of it. And my garage is now a trauma zone as well, since he killed himself there. I have nowhere to hide, nowhere untainted by what he did to me. My own house is a living hell.

[crumpled-leaves]

you want to do things before you die. make it a list. write it down. remember it.

you want to do things before you die. cling to it like a lifebuoy. cling to it with all you are.

you want to do things before you die. so remember that when you see a bottle of painkillers.

remember what you want to do.

[crumpled-leaves]

I feel like shit. I'm spiralling into an endless hell of wanting to die and simply disappear, and the singular thread keeping me from cutting, biting, scratching, burning at this exact moment is my girlfriend.

I've had to deal with my mother so much lately...... I've had a shit week, a shit few days, and a totally shit few hours. I've been carving myself up inside over two tests I have tomorrow and an assignment that is definitely due.

Fuck this, I'm about ready to pass out. Nice. I can lose this world for a solid four hours... Free trial of death, my dad used to call it.

Guess the bastard liked it enough to buy the full subscription

FUCK him FUCK school fuck my mother fuck the entirety of my life except for her.