crumpledcellophane

[crumpledcellophane]

anyway like last weekend, i cut my hair shorter again

[crumpledcellophane]

last week's therapy homework, in part, is to think about the number one thing i want to work on, and i think i know what it is.

i really need to work on being able to feel my experiences with my ex strangling me. i'd like to not panic every time my hair gets a little bit longer. i keep cutting my hair shorter and shorter every time i get that panic, and i can't handle my hair being draped over my own neck. i can barely handle my own hands touching my neck. i just don't know how to actually let myself feel all that, and not just intellectualize it away.

[crumpledcellophane]

No… if your loved one’s think you’re a burden then they aren’t true loved ones

Hi anon,

You are absolutely allowed to feel how you feel.

I just find the narrative that it’s okay to be a burden helps me more than telling myself I’m not a burden. And it’s okay if it doesn’t for you. This is one of those examples where I’m expressing an opinion and I don’t think my opinions are facts. I don’t think I speak for everyone. My opinions are just my opinions.

I don’t think it’s realistic to expect to never be a burden. But I remember that I absolutely love my loved ones when they’re a burden. I don’t see being a burden as this terrible thing. Just reality.

My best friend called me at 2 am because she needed me. I was exhausted and stayed up with her despite being exhausted. And I am so happy she called me. I wouldn’t change a thing. I’d do it all over again. She’s set to bypass my silent mode and has been told she can call me at any time if she needs me. That’s why she bypasses my silent mode.

My dog struggles to get in my vehicle now. She’s a mastiff and heavy. Helping her in aggravates my own chronic pain. And she is scared of ramps or any other device. But I will continue to do it. She is worth every bit of pain. She deserves her car rides. She loves the smell of the ocean and gets so excited.

My mom struggles a lot. It is so hard on me to do stuff for her, but I do. I do her shopping and pick up her meds.

In all of these examples, I would say that I did feel burdened whether it was because I was exhausted or in pain, but I was happy to be burdened because I love them so much.

Feeling the way I do about my loved ones makes me realize that they likely feel similar too.

My partner has really chaotic work days and it is absolutely an inconvenience for him that my anxiety is too bad to make phone calls. So he sets alarms on his phones and makes the calls even when it adds to his stress.

My best friend loves me harder when my depressive spirals get really bad. She took on a lot of stress to help with my wedding. She was sick and in the middle of moving. I’m usually the one she talks to when she’s stressed but she didn’t want to stress me out, so she took it on herself. She was very much burdened by it all, but I know she’d do it all again in a heartbeat.

I’m not trying to tell you how to feel. I’m not saying you, yourself, are a burden. But to me, I am a burden. I know I am. But my loved ones think I’m worth it and that helps me a lot more than telling myself I’m not a burden. I am a burden but I’m allowed to be. I share the message because I think that others might find the narrative more helpful as well.

And my loved ones are worth everything to me. It makes me happy to help them and it reminds me that I can lean on them, too.

This all makes me think of Sam and Frodo. “I can’t carry it for you but I can carry you”.

[crumpledcellophane]

i always joke that i don't care if my partner sticks around when i have to pee and i only just realized last night that i do that because i want them to say no every time so, so badly

because my ex wouldn't let me go to the bathroom by myself, it started as a nervous thing on my part because i felt scared to go anywhere in the apartment alone, but instead of helping me out once or twice, it became a thing to control me with, and then she would start arguments with me in the bathroom and scream at me constantly, and i didn't feel safe enough to get up and leave, because it felt so vulnerable

and i'm just like...now realizing how absolutely shit that is to do to someone, and how i'm wondering if it's part of the reason i had bladder issues, because they're clearing up now, and i just

i like that my partner now doesn't do that

[crumpledcellophane]

i wish my ex would, in any way, understand that she's allowed to not work on herself or handle unhealed trauma any way she likes, until she starts actively hurting other people

like, she's not entitled to be allowed to hurt people just because she's been hurt

the whole saying "hurt people hurt people" wasn't supposed to be a how-to instruction

[crumpledcellophane]

what i think i might need to hear tonight:

it wasn’t your fault. you did not deserve what happened/is happening.

you are stronger than your self-hatred.

everything will work itself out, but it will take time.

you are still a good person despite your mistakes. you are hyper aware of them and learning from them.

stop beating yourself up over when cannot be changed. some things are out of your control, and you must just sit with the reality of it.

you are loved and not alone. ♥️

[crumpledcellophane]

i hate that it upsets me that she has a new partner already. it isn't because i secretly want her back or anything. i don't. i've never been happier than living without her. i guess i'm just frustrated that she claimed she wanted to fix herself, but instead of doing that, she dropped the possibility of reconciliation like a hot potato (it never really existed, but she seemed to think it did) and moved on. even acting, once again, like she "saved someone else from abuse." and thus, the cycle starts over.

like i know it's not my problem anymore, but it's hard to shake off so many years of feeling responsible for how she manages her emotions. :/ even our mutual friends treated me that way, like i was somehow responsible for calming her perpetual anger down. it sucked.

[crumpledcellophane]

i genuinely find it hilarious how much my ex gets upset at how she was yelled at for a few months in a game that had multiplayer co-op or raids or whatever, like she milks that for all it's worth, how terrible and upsetting it was, how cruel it was for them to yell at her, how it made her ptsd worse

and i'm here like be so fucking for real right now, you yelled at me every fucking day, as long as you were awake, but getting a tiny taste of your own medicine is too much? really? 🙄

[crumpledcellophane]

should i check my abuser's social media secretly? no. all it does is make me feel shitty.

did it make me feel shitty to see her blame her horrific abusive behavior on childhood trauma yet again and whine about how no one gave her enough "understanding?"

yes, yes it did.

[crumpledcellophane]

[crumpledcellophane]

i kind of hate that my current partner always knows if i'm doing badly by how i start asking again if i'm allowed to go to the bathroom or allowed to get a drink :/

[crumpledcellophane]

also i keep finding myself like...listening to myself talk and being anxious because i used to put on like...making my voice softer and higher pitched and sounding like...dumb tbh, on purpose, because it seemed to make my ex not as mad at me

and my current partner adores my voice and they adore my genuine voice, and i love that, i do, i just...wish i didn't still get anxious when i realize i'm not putting on my ditzy voice anymore

[crumpledcellophane]

you know, it's rough though, because like i had recorded my ex and the way she talked to the cat, and it was awful, but i sent it to a friend back when i first left, to be like "hey this is what it was like, i know this is really minor compared to what she usually does, i'm sorry, i just happened to catch this bit"

and my friend was absolutely horrified and i just...did not get it at all, i did not understand why she would react so strongly

i listened to that recording the other day and uh....

i get it now

[crumpledcellophane]

i know i really need to stop looking at my ex's social media so much (it's only triggering me) but the way i want to reply to her patting herself on the back for "not reacting to situations the way she would have before, she's healing!" and be like

"oh cool have you stopped strangling people for disagreeing with you then"

like it would help absolutely nothing and make many things worse probably, and tbh i would be relieved if she actually is working on her emotional responses, i just

maybe it's good it's making me angry for once

[crumpledcellophane]

nowhere to go

[crumpledcellophane]

you know what's interesting to me

is that i lived with my ex for so long, my name was on the apartment lease, when i got ssi i did pay half the rent, several bills, etc.

and i still always felt like a...guest somehow, like i wasn't allowed to do things, i wasn't really allowed to feel "at home" there

i didn't even have a fucking key to the apartment until like the last year i lived in it or so

she claimed it was "for my safety" somehow, like not being able to leave the house without her made me safe (spoiler: it did not)

i felt like a(n unwelcome) guest, but i also wasn't really allowed to stay home alone for long, she had me come with her to her appointments, to her sleep study, anytime she would be gone for a while, not allowed to stay home apparently because i "have anxiety"

but i have lived with my current partner less than two years, and i feel so much more at home here, i'm allowed to be home alone if i want to (i rarely do, but i don't feel forced to go anywhere). i'm allowed to put my own desired amounts of toppings on my chili for dinner (that feels so stupid to be happy about and yet!) they want to rearrange/redecorate the apartment for both our tastes.

they don't tell me/"remind" me all the time how they "saved" me. they actively say i saved myself.

idk i just like it.

[crumpledcellophane]

I don't trust anyone who hasn't acknowledged their capacity for evil.