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[crunchyorb]

some thoughts about coe + my first impressions and how they've changed

on my first watch of cell of empireo, i took the courtyard scene, isoi's comment at the beginning of chapter…….seven? eight? that yandere moment, and even "if you want to save everyone, i want to save you" as evidence of a genuine devotion--of something that started from a 'pure' desire to save and follow hatsutori, that was warped as time went on, and culminated in hatsutori's suicide attempt as the turning point--where the 'pure' desire to save and follow hatsutori became simply a warped desire to keep him alive regardless of what condition he was in or his thoughts about it.

i took hatsutori's moment in the garden (white rose) and the moment at the very end as a recognition /of/ that 'pure desire' and, i guess, an acknowledgement that it was 'reciprocated' in the sense that hatsutori also wanted utsugi to 'follow' him…regardless of what condition he was in or his thoughts about it. a similarly 'pure' desire that was warped by the situation they were in--that just like utsugi's attempt to keep hatsutori alive marked the turning point from 'they were somewhat on the same page and wanted the same thing' to 'i'm going to keep this person with me regardless of their thoughts about it', the end of the game was also the turning point for /hatsutori/ from 'i want to be with you and we want the same thing' to 'i'm going to keep you with me regardless of your thoughts about it'

i don't think i was 'entirely' wrong but i think i had it backwards-- as i went through dlc, i realized that while i do think it was 'reciprocated' in the sense that they did 'want' to be together, and i do think neither of them approached the relationship with the intention of using the other person, they were never actually on the same page to begin with and neither of them actually made an effort to understand each other, or at the very least--not in the way harada 'tries' (and only succeeds in too late) with utsugi.

part of the reason that the two of them stick together so closely despite not understanding each other or necessarily sharing the same goals is because hatsutori gives utsugi something he wants, and utsugi gives hatsutori something /he/ wants--hatsutori wants to not be called a monster, and utsugi wants someone to ask him to stay by his side. they say as much during their first meeting, but utsugi still wants the stability that supporting hatsutori (or 'having someone who needs him, rather') gives him, and hatsutori still wants to be called a star.

however the problem is that this isn't the only thing either of them want--as time goes on, they both start to find that they want something other than the roles they've locked themselves into. utsugi finds that he's gone too far down a dark path & wants to be saved, hatsutori also wants to be human (and /also/ thinks they're going too far down a dark path.)

but if they were to turn back or try to reach for something else, they wouldn't just have to acknowledge that what they were doing was wrong, they'd have to acknowledge that /they/ weren't right and that they /don't/ want this. they'd have to give up what they currently have.

and while both of them do individually acknowledge that what they did is 'wrong', this isn't the same as acknowledging that they wanted something else, or trying to reach out for those other possibilities.

utsugi does (kind of) try, once, in the library with harada, but at the time, harada doesn't understand and brushes it off as 'you must be tired'. and then, when they meet it again, utsugi /refuses/ to try again (the only thing you're allowed to say is 'you're tired'--not any of the more 'honest' options)

hajime 'kind of' tries to bring up wanting something else in the scene with utsugi ('can i really not be human')? but doesn't fully understand utsugi's answer, takes it as a 'no', and doesn't really bring it up again--

and neither of them ever fully 'reject' what they have

in fact, it's not that they don't 'reject' it, it's that they reject the other possibility--to be human, to not have to go down this path. to have something else--they both reject 'humanity' in their final lines.

because, as we see with hajime (when he's talking about seodore not being a star) to be human would mean that he needed to make his own decisions about whether what he was doing was right without the reassurance that being a 'star' gave him. and utsugi says something similar, that telling hajime that what he's doing is right is how he knows 'what he's doing is right' and the reason he's living, so 'to be human' would be to find another reason to live without the reassurance of someone 'needing' him.

neither of them can bring themselves to do that in the end, neither of them ever 'stop' what they're doing, and so they die without letting those things go.

[crunchyorb]

ship thing but seodore with whoever you want

i will avoid giving you the seomutei everythign that we've been doing in dms and i will just say rumeld and seodore is so funny as a ship.

i keep thinking about "i'll try to think of a way we can both die together"

"stop being such a pussy"

"shut the fuck up"

like they loved each other. they really really did. i want to see rsml interactions so bad i think it would be so fucking funny

[crunchyorb]

i don't particularly want to translate pornography but i keep thinking about

「……ってことだ。潮はおしっこじゃない。正ちゃんいいか？」 「うん」 「よっしゃ」 「でも、おしっこでもいいよ」

そんな会話を三度繰り返したら、 明君は記憶を消してしまい、行為自体をなかったことにした。

[crunchyorb]

性器、と言っても。 自分のそれは人間を模倣しただけの突起物であり、 感覚は腕や足を触られることと同じです。

i dont actually remember if yomis words specifically in that side story were its ok i guess. maybe it was better than okay. i keep thinking that was the wording he used though

[crunchyorb]

i dont actually remember if yomis words specifically in that side story were its ok i guess. maybe it was better than okay. i keep thinking that was the wording he used though

[crunchyorb]

UuultraC, chapter 2 pair and chapter 3 pair

listen i think ibs guy can kiss belle (i forgot his name)(i remembered it halfway through typing this but i'm calling him ibs guy out of disrespect). i started the chapter being like i hope you never forgive your ugly fucking boyfriend i hope he dies and i ended it being like well its fine i still hope he dies a little but thats ok. lovehate.

chapter 3 is just. man i was going to say something about the nonhuman one seeming more human and the human one seeming more nonhuman but i got distracted by thinking about that one yomi crossdressing sprite. i liked that. i'm wondering if juurou would though or if he's not really into the vibes.

[crunchyorb]

feel free to ask stuff i don't like directly ship from pieces of media i am into i wil l do my best to have thoughts perhaps

[crunchyorb]

ryudate

i have the persistent feeling someone doesnt deserve this whenever i think about it but i dont know who i mean

[crunchyorb]

for the ask game-- shinarei? :0 and ruiharu!

shinarei:

listen i think it's the funniest thing ever if reiji dates shinano because this means he's never gonna move out of his dad's house this means shinano's going to move /in/. i also love his ability to weaponize the shinano infodumping to annoy everyone in the vicinity i like that they're actually friends. 2 dog. shinano is part of your family now haruki atou even if you find him a lil annoying

ruiharu:

i love them because they're married and they love each other and are together and live together i think(?) but i also love them for being kind of an absolutely no sex appeal couple. like i recognize and adore everyone writing 200 page haruki atou bdsm fics but in the end all i can think of it as is an act of wishful thinking. 2 people who love to do their taxes

[crunchyorb]

hajime/minoru Visions (ask thing)

since you specifically mentioned the visions i will talk about the visions in specific. sexy (not sexy discussion of sex under the cut

i think hajime thinks minoru is cool i think minoru thinks hajime is cool i think they would probably make out once or twice and possibly have sex but platonically just as a thing to do between friends. like i don't mean this in a 'oh no they think they're straight and are in denial' i mean the sex is in a completely nonromantic way hajimes just having fun with minoru minoru enjoys hanging out with hajime they're just doing it as friends nbd

like it's simultaneously they're close but not super super attached to each other in the way where it leads to any strings being attached and hajime is weirdly not catholic repressed in this specific area and minoru is like yeah my friend hajime hes kind of an androgynous twink it's fine

i don't even know if this is actually getting my vision across like it's absolutely not a cheating thing it's absolutely not a i'm straight thing they are never going to get married they arent close enough to get divorced they arent really lovers they give each other handjobs relatively often

[crunchyorb]

send me ask about ship

[crunchyorb]

Ask game: send a ship and I'll put them somewhere on this grid

[crunchyorb]

i kind of want to put all the coe aliases in one place together but...i wonder if i should put speculation (like enein + peter)

[crunchyorb]

rough coe thoughts re: my first impressions of hajime + utsugi and how they've changed, i will maybe write something a bit more coherent later

on first watch of coe i thought utsugi's devotion was a lot more genuine (=not self-serving) (or not 'aware'?) and i took hatsutori's moment in the garden + moment at the very end as the same kind of 'genuine devotion' but reciprocated.

i…don't think it's 'not' reciprocated in the sense that utsugi being Around At All is unwanted or that hatsutori did not at some point encourage The Bit but as i went through dlc i guess i came to realize that they weren't on the same page at all--and while i don't think it was out of active malice in either case (neither of them were just Intending to use the other without caring about their wellbeing/what they really want) that doesn't quite matter

i like the stupid hajime and the utsugikun who never says anything and how their priorities were different from the start i like how hajime wanted to not be a monster and utsugikun wanted someone to depend on him i like how they were exactly what the other person 'wanted' from the start but not what they needed and unlike utsugikun and mr harada where mr harada wanted to reach out and understand him but was too late and too much of a coward hajime and utsugikun never quite 'tried' in the same way from the start partly /because/ they were what the other person 'wanted' and to change would be to not be what the other person wants and to change would be to admit that they didn't /want/ to do what they ended up doing and that they were wrong

i think what hajime hatsutori 'wanted' was the praise and admiration from being a star i think what noriyuki utsugi 'wanted' was the reassurance that came from knowing that someone would always need him, there would always be someone who couldn't stand on their own two feet (metaphorically although) and who needed him to do everything.

i think what hajime hatsutori /needed/ was someone to say you're human stop doing this shit enough with the experiments. i think what noriyuki utsugi /needed/ was to not be the leader of a cult and instead be overly naggy and micromanaging with someone who would call him overly naggy and micromanaging but kind of like it anyway and like /him/ anyway.

but if they get what they need--if hatsutori gets what he needs, someone says he's human, then he is a human with dirty hands who, by his own inaction, did wrong things and allowed horrible things to pass. he wouldn't be praised and admired. he wouldn't get what he wants and would have to give up on that forever.

if utsugi gets what he needs--someone who doesn't need him, someone who can stand on their own two feet, someone who 'could' leave him or refuse to reach out at any point, then that means it won't be someone who can't stand on their own two feet, someone that /could/ leave…well, he'd have to trust that that person liked him anyway. he'd have to give up on the security of what he 'wanted' forever.

to be human or a 'person', in the end, is both to love yourself /as/ yourself and to take responsibility for your actions. neither noriyuki nor hajime call themselves human in the end. that's all. well it's my thoughts anyway.

'i want you to write that an inhuman, foolish, blind zealot went to hell. that's the way it should be.' 'i no longer need to be human.' i guess…well, i guess if i had to say, reading these lines again now…i don't think either of them took full responsibility in the end. that's really all.

[crunchyorb]

also looking through my liveblog of the series i didn't post any screencaps of the tahiti incident and i'm not sure if i should go back and get some or if i'm too scared to

i was really surprised by the nosebleed licking with keito and whatever the hell was going on with ryou and samejima in ddd and then i look back through my liveblogs and keito is walking ryou on a leash and vampire rping with natsume and you know what maybe i should've expected it

[crunchyorb]

to all my friends who are here because you support me: thank you. sorry i'm going to post about questionable ship bits of my favorite series you will see it

[crunchyorb]

i was really surprised by the nosebleed licking with keito and whatever the hell was going on with ryou and samejima in ddd and then i look back through my liveblogs and keito is walking ryou on a leash and vampire rping with natsume and you know what maybe i should've expected it