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flintlock rifle with a twisted barrel and heart shaped bore (1765)

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since I’ve been gone… shit, I haven’t updated this since just after turning 20 & im 24 now.. 25 in a couple of weeks, actually… the office job was cool. I stayed with them for quite some time. decided to work towards being an esthetician instead of cosmetology. looking into clinical herbalism & …psych, ofc… some things never change haha…

I’m still depressed but I guess that’s gonna be another constant. my brain is just the way it is. I’ve accepted it, learned to manage myself… & the frontal lobe be frontal lobe-in’ these days. so, I suppose some things do change..

things pivoted after I turned 21.. I went down an extremely self destructive path. I turned to people I believed to be friends & was disappointed & hurt. lost them again but this time I let them go. No contact since. I learned to be firm with my boundaries & how to communicate them in a healthy-ish way. I’ve always had an idea of what I wanted but I let myself get in the way more than anything… it’s gonna sound lame but I desperately wanted love from friends & partners & I finally realized I could give it to myself.

that led to me finding my current partner & a proper diagnosis. the cancer was loosely traced back to age 15/16. coincidentally (or maybe not) around the same time my mental health took an extreme plummet. weird how that works, huh?

I turned 22 in the hospital while receiving treatment. I recovered faster than expected. There were a few instances of what couldn’t be anything less than… miracles. I made it. I always will…

23 was odd.. repeating cycles when it came to new friendships & family... but I was able to correct it & remove myself from a few situations entirely. boundaries r n cool & I swear the only people they hurt are those who have something to gain from you being less of yourself… not worth it…

I turned 24 in Japan. spent 3 months in the countryside. my God, was it beautiful. the culture, the sites, the food & the people, of course. It was all an experience that I wouldn’t dare to try to describe here.. I couldn’t possibly convey the emotion.. the shift.. my mind, heart & soul.. I will say, the food was delicious. If I had to pick somewhere to retire, based solely upon cuisine.. it would easily be Japan. can’t wait to return.

I’ll update soon…

until then.. 🖤🫰

since I’ve been gone… I filled 4+ notebooks… my hair grew out… I got a job @ a warehouse… new music/ tech equipment… I think of dying less because I’m distracted… I still haven’t spoke to my mother… I still don’t have friends but I’m less lonely than before… myself is becoming my friend.

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Haibane Renmei (2002)

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And God said "love your enemy" and I obeyed him and loved myself.

K. Gibran

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🖤🥀

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I was more than just a body in your passenger seat & you were more than just somebody I was destined to meet

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love, love, love

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dead to sin, alive in God

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Sylvia Plath, The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath

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where id rather be

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