cryingxaddict-blog

[cryingxaddict-blog]

[cryingxaddict-blog]

too early for this...

do you ever wake up too early,

alone,

and think of the person you wish was laying next to you?

think about the intimate little conversations you'd have while still deep in your blankets...

think of the way they first look in the mornings...

in the dimly lit room with your curtains still pulled.

do you ever feel that moment so deeply you could almost swear they are actually there?

do you ever wonder what it would feel like to have thier arms around you, holding you so tightly that nothing inside feels broken anymore?

yeah...

I dont do that either...

[cryingxaddict-blog]

distracted...

I often find myself so bored so often.

my mind always wonders to her. I try to shift my thinking, shift my daydreams to something less wrenching.

it isnt easy. she's in my mind constantly. just waiting to haunt my next thought. her face, her eyes, her smile. burned into my closed eyelids.

trying to find a distraction is just a challenge for how long I can go without thinking of her.

its never long enough.

there are never enough distractions...

[cryingxaddict-blog]

Satanic Proverbs #49

You possess the strength to endure the harshest of tragedies, and through pain you will acquire insight. Satan has Their eye on you—know this. Now rise from the ashes and fulfill the oath you made. You have much work to do.

[cryingxaddict-blog]

The First Post is Always the Hardest...

so tbh, I don't even know why I am here. I just have this need to let my thoughts out on a forum for the world to see. is it for the attention that I'm severely lacking or do I just love public humiliation? keep reading to find out!

I guess I can start with sort of an introduction. I'm in my early 30s, smoke way too much pot, dont drink nearly enough as I should and over thinks absofuckinglutely everything. I have an average 9-5 (8:30-5 really) job that is slowly sucking the life out of me but it helps to finance my equally average lifestyle.

In my opinion, I was kind of an awkward loser in high school. I was too punk rock for school but also too smart and respected my parents too much to be a complete teenage delinquent. I wrote for the school paper, participated in theater, took extra courses just cuz and graduated with a 3.8 GPA. I also organized walkouts, burned flags, cut my own hair (yikes), only wore band merch, clothes from the thrift stores, fishnets and chucks, my jean jacket with all my buttons and patches was my prized possession and the feeling I got after fucking shit up in the pit was as satisfying as that first drag of the day. My punk rock phase seamlessly merged into my pop-punk/emo phase where red eyeshadow was life and if I could just touch Gerard Way, I could die happily.

I never dated in high school, I crushed alot though. thanks to that desperation, I jumped on the first guy that ever gave me any attention. Mistake. it was such a waste of a first love. he lived far, we never saw each other and honestly, just used each other to rid ourselves of the burdens virginity. so that ended quickly. I was crushed and overly dramatic about it all. from then on, it was just a string of losers who were just waiting for a girl like me to come along. I enjoyed a long FWB, which of course crashed and ended cuz I fell in love. after all that, i shut down for a bit and in 2010 was introduced to the longest waste of my life.

my collective dating history reads like a Who's Who of Human Crap (be ready for all the FRIENDS references)...

let's just refer to this guy as WB.

WB and I were together for 7 years. SEVEN!!

in that time, my life changed drastically. my mom passed away from cancer in 2012. my whole life fell apart. somehow I become responsible for upkeep of a household and my dad just deteriorated. He later passed in 2017. in 2013,my beloved grandma passed away as well. I lost so many people I loved in more ways than just death. my family fell apart and the only person I felt I could turn to was WB.

he was 5 yrs older than me, unemployed, still lived at home, no car, multiple DUI'S and just a touch of idiot. I think back and tbh, I dont even think i was ever even attracted to him, let alone in REAL love. I just needed someone. unfortunately, that someone was an alcoholic with severe daddy issues and a coke problem. he never put my emotional needs before anyone/thing else and just dragged me along taking advantage of my autopilot status. I was too broken to fight back, to even speak up for what I deserved.

every time I tried to pull away, he used my broken heart to keep me around. he is the most toxic person I have ever been involved with. threats of suicide after each break up, grand gestures of pouring full 20 oz. $14 local craft beers down the sink with promises of sobriety and tearful apologies all were bullshit. during our seven year stretch, I had bounced from my own home, to his home, to my best friends couch, back into his house and then finally, on my own. I moved out by myself, without his financial help. in less than 2 yrs, I officially ended it. I woke up one morning, looked at him and just was over it. he knew it. I knew it. it was done.

instead of taking time to myself and healing after such trauma, I decided to IMMEDIATELY jump into another relationship! another fking mistake. I not only let this man into my severely damaged heart, but also my home. he took full advantage of reduced rent and daily sex. lied to me at every chance he had, manipulated my feelings into believing that he actually cared. he was just really good at going with the flow as long as the flow was going. just like everything else, this all ended pathetically. he used me until he didnt need me anymore and bounced. I was left alone.

I did my best to recover gracefully, but unfortunately let myself slip into another string of pointless hookups and Tinder dates. I ended up in a random 3 month trail period type relationship with a "nice guy" that ended abruptly due to his intense clingyness (I thought I was bad) and the realization that I'm pretty fking gay.

which kind of brings us up to speed here. about 6 months ago I got drunk at a gay bar for a coworker's birthday. next thing you know, we're making out in the club and dryhumping in her Mustang. that was complicated in it's own right and ran its course as they all do. the only difference with this one is that now I'm left with the big question of WHO TF AM I? like who am I?

am I gay, straight, bi? idk...

what I can say is that I am on the path of self discovery that has been ignored for far too long. I am chopping through the overgrown brush and branches that I have let overcome me while I was letting myself be distracted by each person that comes into my life. I have a tendency of losing myself completely. I cut friends out. I cut out my own personal health (what is gym?) I just give all of myself to them. And they never deserve it. Never. I am just tired of it. my heart is tired of it.

I'm over creating fantasies in my head with people who dont even want me or for longing for something that i cant seem to achieve. what I can do is just take care of myself. focus on myself. actually LOVE myself. what else is there really? at the end of it all...all those people who have come into my life are gone in one way or another. but here I am. still here. waiting for me to desperately love myself the way I have mindlessly loved others.

I guess we'll just have to wait and find out...