crystal-clear-gems

[crystal-clear-gems]

[crystal-clear-gems]

things have been a bit rough lately, but i just wanted to make something to share a bit of hope.

i hope trans folk, whenever you are, no matter what we face, will be ok. we will thrive, no matter what. it’s gonna be ok <3

[crystal-clear-gems]

Petals to Ashes, Love to Dust

We were beautiful.

That is to say, I made us beautiful.

I made poems out of tears,

And songs out of sobs.

I made statues out of the broken pieces,

Of the promises you scattered at my feet.

I made love notes, sonnets--

Out of your threats to take your life.

I made you,

A monster,

The greatest lover alive.

I did it to survive.

I made embroidery out of stitches,

So that I could still smile.

I made paintings out of bruises,

So that I wouldn't feel vile

But lipstick on a pig,

Won't make it nice to kiss.

And no amount of stories I tell myself,

Will ever make me stand this.

I'll only make us beautiful

For one last time,

When I turn your gifts into ashes

And my own life returns to being mine.

[crystal-clear-gems]

and the scientist replies with

when i don't turn to you when i ask for my tools it isn't out of indifference. it's out of trust that you will give me what i need because you know me. when i tell you of my discoveries it isn't too dismiss your own mystique, but to show you that i see you as my equal and that i wish to learn from what you might catch, as i know you will find what i missed. when i spend my nights, asleep on your shoulder, it isn't because i have lost interest in spending time with you, but because i am comfortable to let my guard down and rest around you. i haven't grown bored of you-- i never could. no, i have faith in you. faith stronger than any curiosity.

ship dynamic idea:

- you're a lab assistant in love with the scientist and jealous of your main specimen

[crystal-clear-gems]

it's very much the

i want you to look at me with as much fascination and interest-- treating every finding you have like it'll lead you to the answers to the universe. i want to keep you transfixed on me, watching every move i make with eyes that can never get enough. i'm begging, never get bored of me. never tire of the fact that i am always by your side.

ship dynamic idea:

- you're a lab assistant in love with the scientist and jealous of your main specimen

[crystal-clear-gems]

ship dynamic idea:

- you're a lab assistant in love with the scientist and jealous of your main specimen

[crystal-clear-gems]

Beep Beep Beep

My refrigerator used to beep whenever I opened it.

It was a gift to me when I moved houses, so I was grateful to have it.

It saved me 15k and stored my food and gave me ice.

So I pretended I wasn't annoyed when it would scream.

I wouldn't have done anything about it if I was alone.

I would've just accepted it as was and let it continue to annoy me.

My parents found a solution after three weeks.

They bought new parts and tried to install them.

When that didn't work they called for help.

The repairman told them there wasn't anything broken.

They just found something stuck.

And once that was gone, it was silent.

"It was crying for help," I joked to my mom.

But something about realizing that made me sympathize with it.

I was willing to just ignore it and thought doing so was a kindness.

What does that say, when you really think of it?

I don't know what this stands for.

But it feels like a lesson I have to learn.

...The beeping still haunts me every time I'm grateful for its quiet hum.

[crystal-clear-gems]

Imagine me as this, broken plastic heart.

Some of its parts are missing, and there are fragments around it barely resembling the figure. The only thing that makes it obvious is this one chunk still intact, otherwise you're not even sure if you'd recognize the shape.

And, you, you would be clay.

Molded properly, you'd fill in the missing parts of me. You'd give the fragments a way to stay where they actually belong, and, I'd be whole again.

Now, imagine taking that clay away.

Not even cleanly or systematically or, carefully or whatever just. Rip it off.

Yeah, that's it.

So, you took some of the fragments with you, didn't you? Most of it, actually. It's somewhere there, stuck in the clay, if you can't see it. Either way, though, now the heart's more broken than it was before.

Oh, look, you even knocked a piece loose from the big chunk earlier.

Mm, well, see this was how I felt with you.

When you found me, I was this, broken, mess. You probably wouldn't have even recognized me as well, me, had I not been so obvious about it.

And when you got all close and lovely dovey with me, I felt, whole. As if I was, back together again. A bit differently, but what I had left was there in the right places.

But then, then you left. So suddenly and out of nowhere.

So when you'd pulled out of the cracks and crevises of my broken soul, I could'nt've helped but feel even more broken than before. More empty.

So, forgive me, if it takes a while before I let you shape around me again. I don't mean to be so distant, but I'm scared of falling even further apart.

[crystal-clear-gems]

...Distant

At times, I am aware,

That my mind, it isn't here...

It just feels like it can't dare,

To stop and sit and stare...

It must travel, it must go,

To worlds beyond our own.

Or else it won't feel safe.

...It's, insanity, I know.

But now I realize,

That if it leaves this form,

It'll leave behind the life,

In which I was so luckily born.

And so I wish to try,

To stay here with you.

To be present in this life,

And do what I can do...

I can't promise it'll work,

My, attempts, to keep still?

But I'll keep my mind at bay,

Long enough to hear your will.

So here she is, your lost daughter,

I've found.

I'm sad to say, that the world,

Made her fear to come out.

[crystal-clear-gems]

II Version 143

Tell me what it is,

That you like about me,

All about the pieces,

That you find so pretty.

I'll hide away the rest,

And make myself brand new.

That sounds like a plan, right?

So what should I do?

Carve away the extra?

Or should I fill in all the blanks?

Make myself more, or less?

Please tell me my rank.

Is this version,

Within the top three?

Or should I throw her out too,

With the rest of me?

[crystal-clear-gems]

The king looked out at his kingdom with a sigh, his heart both heavy and soaring as the night air surrounded him. It was hot and cold, freezing and burning at the same. It terrified him more than anything he'd ever encountered. And yet, at the same time, it was the safest he's ever felt since his duty started in the first place.

He groaned, a smile on his face as the amusement and frustration taking over him. "Every at both ends, huh?"

[crystal-clear-gems]

Have you ever sang while crying?

When the others weren't supposed to know?

In a call, maybe? A performance, a recording?

Just when you were putting on a show?

If you haven't, then let me tell you,

It is a feat to behold.

There's so many things you'll notice,

Secrets in your voice that you've never been told.

Like how passion and pain sound so alike,

And how anguish can sound like amusement.

How the pitches of "How could you?" match with "Always."

How one tone of "Of course" can mean yes and no.

You wonder then, how much you're aware of.

How much is really true.

How much can they see, you wonder?

How much is really you?

And how much is this angelic voice,

This promise, this vow.

How much of the love in your voice has turned to hatred now?

You realize, however, after a stanza or two,

Sometimes it isn't one or the other,

Sometimes both is you.

[crystal-clear-gems]

She looked at me with the sweetest smile, holding my cheeks and carefully wiping away the tears from my eyes. She knew, just as I did, how this would end. I could see it in her eyes, hear her voice echo in my mind as she kissed me.

One day, I'm going to have to choose between you and happiness, and I'm going to make the worst mistake of my life.

[crystal-clear-gems]

Fuck you.

You knew I couldn't take it. I told you. Time and time again, I told you.

Fuck. You.

I hate you for making me apologize for my boundaries. I had every right to be mad. I have every right to be mad.

Fuck. You.

You told me you loved me. You told me I was enough and they were nothing and it was all a lie. Do you have any idea what that did to me? What that does to me?

Fuck. You.

Thanks to you it's hard to believe it when they tell me I'm their one and only. Thanks to you I struggle to understand how they could ever settle. Settle. Do you hear me? I think I'm something to settle for. Not something to treasure.

Fuck. You.

Do you understand what you've done? What you've destroyed? For years I believed I had to be quiet about my love, about who I am-- For years I thought that my feelings meant nothing, that I meant nothing.

Fuck. You.

I hope one day you realize what you've done and never "love" anyone the way you did to me. I hope they're happy with you. Not for your sake-- Never for your sake again. Just for theirs, just so no one goes through what I did with you.

[crystal-clear-gems]

it's not that i wasn't good at it-- it was that you were never consistent with what you wanted.

you wanted me to be sexy for your enjoyment, but not too much so that other people would stare.

you wanted me to cling to you so you knew you were needed, but you didn't want to commit to staying close.

you wanted me to be emotional enough to react to everything you do, but you never wanted to take responsibility for whatever you caused.

it wasn't that i was doing everything wrong. you just wanted me to do everything perfectly. and each time i inevitably, humanly, failed, you made me feel as if that was all i ever did.

I’ve never been good at reading, Be it words or be it people. I’ve never been good at talking, Even when it’s goddamn simple.

When all I need to say is, That “I love you, and I’m here.” I over complicate until I wanna disappear.

Cause I can never tell, And I can never decide, What isn’t good enough, And what’s spilling out the sides.

How am I supposed to know, Without asking much? How am I supposed to show, When nothing’s discussed?

[crystal-clear-gems]

I feel like a wire, Bound to snap, If you bend it too often, too much,

But you've got the pliers, And I'm wrapped around your fingers, I give in the moment we touch.

[crystal-clear-gems]

With his arms outreached to me, And his heart broken in two, His eyes tell me painful things, Things I already knew.

What surrounds us is silence, But it's all there, I see. How much he wants to stay, How much he has to leave.

I tumble into his arms, Rivers running down my face, And to everyone we seemed fixed But that wasn't the case.

When he pulls away, I hear him close the door. And when I turn around, We're not an "us", anymore.