crystalectomy

[crystalectomy]

I call this piece “leaving the groupchat”

I'm starting off somewhat small - I removed myself from the groupchat. I haven't told anyone yet (and the group settings mean there will be no notification that I’ve done it, people will have to find out on their own). 

I don't know yet the FULL extent of the backing-slowly-into-the-hedges I want to do with these people. I know, broadly speaking, that if I get invited to things from this group in the future there will be a few things I straight up say no to: 

most get togethers at [A]’s house

any camping trips

most parties in general, esp hosted by [A], [B], [C] , or [D]

Things I might say yes to:

a concert w [B]

a boardgame night (occasional)

a park hang, bar hop, or outdoor festival (anything it's easy to bounce from)

Things I will be pleased to continue:

some kinda relationship with [C]

maybe a reconnection with [E] some day

My brother’s advice was to leave the group chat and only explain myself to anyone who asks about it. He said leaving it would be good for gaining closure (as opposed to just turning off notifications, which I've tried many times already). From what I've told him it seems I have every reason to do so -- he did not try even for a second to talk me out of it. He said he had a similar situation where he left/was cut out of a friend group a year ago and he has had absolutely no regrets at all. 

He also said he thinks our Dad sticks too long with people / doesn't recognize when they've become harmful to be around, so if the goal is to not be like Dad (which, yes), then recognizing when to move on from people is one way to get there. 

I'm doing everyone a favor here (probably too aggro a thing to say)

I've been reading about people who've broken up with friends or left friend groups and a familiar refrain keeps coming up -- friendships should be with people who you trust, who uplift you, who do not leave you feeling stressed and drained. I cannot say that about this group, as a whole, anymore. At all. 

For a long time -- years now -- I've flirted with the idea of leaving the groupchat. It hasn't been a fun groupchat. A lot of it is people posting links and videos that I'm not interested in, giving life update announcements that don't need to be given in a group setting, or posting plan-making logistics, which always end up being a little awkward when some people can participate in them and others can't (which is always the case, b/c of awkward breakups in the couples of the group, east bay vs sf commute times, and now differing covid sensibilities and vaxxed/unvaxxed status).

All of that is innocuous enough, but if it's clutter, it's clutter. And there's no reason not to remove it. 

So what made the group good if not the groupchat? The hangs. The drugs, the alcohol, the games. The concerts, the movies, the camping trips. Since we've had a forced year without those things, I've gotten a better look at what the core of this group feels like to be in without all that -- and it sucks.

So why not just ride it out until we can hangout in person again (which will be v soon!)? I guess I'm just feeling like a spring cleaning attitude about it. Like, maybe I can spend my precious time in the afterlife hanging out with people who I can feel close with emotionally as well as physically? Maybe now that I'm in a very different phase of my life than I was when I met them (turning-30-realness) I should cultivate relationships that fulfill me where I'm at now -- people I can share exciting work news, poems, and pictures of my cat with, yes, but also people I can unravel the secrets of the universe and the pros and cons of major life choices with.

I've spent a lot of the quarantine either in solitude or staying connected to / reconnecting with friends who make me feel good. Who listen to my advice, who give me advice and encouragement in turn, who share similar interests with me, who do not call me "unique " "weird" "soooo alternative" over and over again (either in admiration or jest). Who have understood and interpreted and lived out the COVID thing in similar ways as me. 

And look -- I don't mean people who have had the same privileges necessarily! Some of the people I've gotten closer to were just as social as the folks in this group +/or worked jobs where they had to be on the frontlines and couldn't barricade themselves quite as much as me and my husband did. But they respected our decision to take as strict a stance on this whole thing as humanly possible, did not call us "sensitive" or "conservative" at any point along the way, and when they asked us to hangout, did so in ways that felt respectful of and empathetic towards our boundaries. It’s not that this group made different choices than I would have, it’s that they, by contrast to my other friends, treated me with judgment, derision, and disrespect for my decisions. I promise I’ve not done the same.

I'm purging a lot of things from my life right now. Leaving my toxic-ish job at the end of April. Trying to lose the last 5 lbs. Getting rid of as much clutter in the house as possible.

As I start to prepare and dream for a life outside of quarantine, I think about  who are some of the first people I want to grab a drink with, go for a walk with, celebrate an occasion with. And for the most part, it's not these people.

Y'all are funny, interesting, intelligent, engaging, and a good time. But I don't feel like I belong here. And I often leave hangouts with the group feeling stressed or upset.

Moreso, in my life I feel I've gotten much harder. Cynical, crabby, pessimistic, aggressive, barbed, judgmental. Like, really had those parts of me take over. And I'm almost certain this group being my main group was a contributing factor. It's behavior that's, if not required, then encouraged to be a member here.

I thought about writing a message in the groupchat to explain myself instead of ghosting but a few things occurred to me:

9 times out of 10 when I try to be earnest or express any feelings that aren't straight up enthusiasm for something with this group, I feel ignored at best or patronized and shut down at worst. 

given the pervading sense of devil-may-care cavalierness in this group, i figured most of you wouldn't notice/care anyway

I thought of folks like [X], [Y], and [Z] who have been in/out of this groupchat for years, all of whom have since faded away, and none of whom felt the need to say anything. Since there's a precedent, I figured I'd follow it

I'm extremely self conscious about this decision -- I'm worried it comes off as self-absorbed, self-righteous, selfish, etc. and I don't think I know a way to ensure it doesn't come off that way when trying to address it head on.

I'm kind of a coward about this kind of thing (awkward social interactions) anyway. So this is a kind of cowardly way to do it. It fits.

I've been thinking about doing this for so long that nothing anyone can say will convince me otherwise, so why invite a dialogue?

If anyone asks (which my husband assures me they won't): 

“Oh, I left the group chat a little while ago, so if you're trying to reach me, specifically, text/phone call is the best way to do so. Email works too. No shade to you or anyone in particular, I just found the energy of the group as a whole to be kind of toxic, and have so for some time now (even pre pandemic).”

Then, maybe:

“I thought about saying something but I honestly couldn't think of what to say that wouldn't come off as arrogant or dramatic or weird. Maybe it's weirder to ghost... but I never seem to accurately gauge how people in this group will react to things I do and say, and I didn’t want to be misinterpreted and cause more stress. There's no good or codified way to leave a friend group, so I just did the easiest, path of least resistance way I could think of.” 

And if there’s time:

“And that's the other thing, I didn't want to like, break up with any of you as friends. I'm not going to say no to every game night invitation or avoid people altogether IRL or anything. And I'm hoping and planning to have 1x1 or 2x2 hangs with some of y’all in the future. So I didn't want to invite any truly nasty energy between me and any of the individuals in the group. I'm just excusing myself from the overall 'zeitgeist' of the groupchat, and okay with probably getting invited to fewer outings as a result.” 

Or at least:

“I didn’t mean to offend, I just did what I thought was best for me in a way that I hoped would cause the least amount of harm to everyone involved. And I did think long and hard about it, so at least I hope no one can say it was a completely thoughtless decision.”

I'm taking this impending re-entry into society thing as an opportunity to prioritize the relationships that have felt enriching, healthy, fruitful during it. And I’m excited to chase down hobbies and events at work, post pandemic, with the goal of making new friends who I can be more myself with.

[crystalectomy]

:) (aggressive)

[crystalectomy]

Ocean by Mary Oliver

I am in love with Ocean lifting her thousands of white hats in the chop of the storm,  or lying smooth and blue, the loveliest bed in the world. In the personal life, there is

always grief more than enough,  a heart-load for each of us  on the dusty road. I suppose  there is a reason for this, so I will be patient, acquiescent. But I will live nowhere except here, by Ocean, trusting equally in all the blast and welcome of her sorrowless, salt self.

[crystalectomy]

The Speed of Belief -- Tracy K. Smith

I didn’t want to wait on my knees In a room made quiet by waiting. A room where we’d listen for the rise Of breath, the burble in his throat. I didn’t want the orchids or the trays Of food meant to fortify that silence, Or to pray for him to stay or to go then Finally toward that ecstatic light. I didn’t want to believe What we believe in those rooms: That we are blessed, letting go, Letting someone, anyone, Drag open the drapes and heave us Back into our blinding, bright lives.

[crystalectomy]

The Largeness We Can’t See -- Tracy K. Smith

When our laughter skids across the floor Like beads yanked from some girl’s throat, What waits where the laughter gathers? And later, when our saw-toothed breaths Lay ys down on a bed of leaves, what feeds With ceaseless focus on the leaves? It’s solid, yet permeable, like a mood. Like God, it has no face. Like lust, It flickers on without a prick of guilt. We move in and out of rooms, leaving Our dust, our voices pooled on sills. We hurry from door to door in a downpour Of days. Old trees inch up, their trunks thick With new rings. All that we see grows Into the ground. And all we live blind to Leans its deathless heft to our ears                                                      and sings.

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So bright it should be death

Tracy K. Smith, “Sacrament”

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Cathedral Kitsch - Tracy K. Smith

Does God love gold? Does He shine back At Himself from walls Like these, leafed In earth’s softest wealth? Women light candles, Pray into their fistful of beads. Cameras spit human light Into the vast holy dark, And what glistens back Is high up and cold. I feel Man here. The same wish That named the planets. Man with his shoes and tools, His insistence to prove we exist Just like God, in the large And the small, the great And the frayed. In the chords That rise from the tall brass pipes, And the chorus of crushed cans Someone drags over cobbles In the secular street.

[crystalectomy]

In The Desert

In the desert I saw a creature, naked, bestial, Who, squatting upon the ground, Held his heart in his hands, And ate of it. I said, “Is it good, friend?” “It is bitter—bitter,” he answered; “But I like it “Because it is bitter, “And because it is my heart.”                            

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Eighteen Days Without You: December 11th -- Anne Sexton

Then I think of you in bed, your tongue half chocolate, half ocean, of the houses that you swing into, of the steel wool hair on your head, of your persistent hands and then how we gnaw at the barrier because we are two. How you come and take my blood cup and link me together and take my brine. We are bare. We are stripped to the bone and we swim in tandem and go up and up the river, the identical river called Mine and we enter together. No one’s alone.

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Goldaline, my dear we will fold and freeze together far away from here there is sun and spring and green forever but now we move to feel for ourselves inside some stranger’s stomach place your body here let your skin begin to blend itself with mine 

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Again and Again and Again - Anne Sexton

You said the anger would come back just as the love did. I have a blck look I do not like. It is a mask I try on. I migrate toward it and its frog sits on my lips and defecates. It is old. It is also a pauper. I have tried to keep it on a diet. I give it no unction. There is a good look that I wear like a blood clot. I have sewn it over my left breast. I have made a vocation of it. Lust has taken plant in it and I have placed you and your child at its milk tip. Oh the blackness is murderous and the milk tip is brimming and each machine is working and I will kidss you when I cut up one dozen new men and you will die somewhat, again and again.

[crystalectomy]

Just Once - Anne Sexton

Just once I knew what life was for. In Boston, quite suddenly, I understood; walked there along the Charles River, watched the lights copying themselves, all neoned and strobe-hearted, opening their mouts as wide as opera singers; counted the star, my little campaigners, my scar daisies, and knew that I walked my love on the night green side of it and cried my heart to the eastbound cars and cried my heart to the westbound cars and took my truth across a small humped bridge and hurried my truth, the charm of it, home and hoarded these constants into morning only to find them gone.

[crystalectomy]

a collection

“...throw roses into the abyss and say: 'here is my thanks to the monster who didn't succeed in swallowing me alive.” - Friedrich Nietzsche

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Crystal kingdom!!! listen to the adventure zone

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Schinveldse Bossen

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But after a lifetime of dipping in and out of depressive episodes, I’d gotten stuck in one; I’d spent a year with my hands around my own throat before I figured out what was going on and decided to start seeing a therapist. I was trapped somewhere between the darkness behind me — that deep, familiar black — and the unsettling promise of light ahead. Everything felt strange. Feeling things at all felt strange.

https://www.buzzfeed.com/zanromanoff/what-my-best-friend-and-i-didnt-learn-about-loss