csmrgkr

[csmrgkr]

The Art of Giving Up

The fact that there are way too many quotes telling people not to give up, telling them to held their head high and keep on trying; with a “promise” that eventually things will get better just the way you want it to be.

I hate that quotes.

Quotes aren’t real. Quotes may fool you on working on your life.

The fact is, we need to give up for once a while. After a certain amount of trying, we do need to give up; simply because the path isn’t for us.

Sometimes failure is another way for the universe; and God; telling us to stop forcing on our own way.

I live my life one-day-at-a-time. I’ve grown up with that kind of learning; “Kesusahan sehari cukuplah untuk sehari.”

What I fail to understand is, I’m not suppose to generalize it into everything. What about the future? What about my own happiness?What about paying my bills for the next months?

When I fail to plan, I plan to fail.

I need to learn on how to give up. Giving up trying to please people. Giving up on abandoning my own happiness. Giving up on faking a smile just to make others feel better.

I bet it hurts a lot, disappointing the people you really care about. But I’m not alone, there are people around me whose have been through the same experience, and I should listen carefully to their “success stories”.

The success stories about how much they are relieved by being honest, by giving up. It might be brutal at first, but at least it ended up well.

I like that. I want that. I need that.

[csmrgkr]

This is not how my story is going to end.

Tuhan Yesus setia, Dia Sahabat kita

Dalam segala susahku, selalu menghiburku

Dia mengerti bahasa, tetesan air mata

Waktu badai mengamuk, dan gelombang menyerang

Tuhan Yesus setia

 Just right before my sleep last night, I sang this song, all of a sudden.

Ini lagu lama, lagu masa kecil, lagu Kidung Jemaat.

I haven’t heard or sang this song for so long, tapi entah kenapa lagu ini teringat kemarin malam.

And then I went to sleep, and I had this dream.

 A dream that God was talking to me, and these were what He said;

“Aku bersyukur karena kamu adalah anak-Ku, yang walau sedang jauh, tapi masih bisa diajak bicara.”

“Aku bersyukur karena kepekaanmu saat ini, yang belum luntur walaupun kamu sepertinya mulai lelah berbicara dengan-Ku melalui doa-doamu.”

“Kenapa menyerah sekarang, Caroline? Setelah tahun-tahun berjalan, kenapa sekarang?”

“Apakah kamu berpikir bahwa Aku akhirnya akan membawamu kedalam kegagalan, setelah sekian tahun Aku mengijinkan pencobaan-pencobaan ini terjadi, walau Aku selalu mendampingimu dan meloloskanmu?”

“Kenapa harus ada manusia yang mengingatkanmu terhadap berkat-berkat yang Ku berikan; bahwa kamu adalah anak-Ku yang Kukasihi, yang jauh lebih KUAT dari apa yang kau pikirkan tentang dirimu?”

“Aku mengatakan hal itu setiap saat, Caroline. Setiap saat. Tapi kamu tidak mau mendengar.”

“Dan sekarang Aku katakan lagi kepadamu, dengan lebih nyata, supaya kamu kembali kuat dan percaya.”

“Percayalah bahwa kesetiaanmu kepada-Ku akan berbuah manis. Tidak lama lagi, Caroline. Tidak lama lagi sampai waktunya tiba.”

It was an awesome dream. It’s been a while since I have God talking to me through dreams, although back in my youth, I had it many times.

I thank God for this experience, for the dream. Saat Dia masih bersedia berbicara, menghibur dan menguatkan; walau aku nya menolak mendengar.

Tuhan Yesus baik. Bahwasanya untuk selamanya kasih setia-Nya.

[csmrgkr]

MOVE-ON : sebuah ulasan santai

Malam ini gue mau nulis ttg move-on, berdsrkan konsep gue pribadi. Kali ini pun dgn sengaja gue tulis dgn bhs Indonesia, mengingat ada slh satu pembaca gue yg protes kl gue nulis dlm bhs Inggris ;p

Konsep move-on yg bnyk beredar saat ini adlh dgn definisi : sdh gak inget si Mantan lagi. Mantan; dlm arti mantan pcr ataupun mantan gebetan. Konsep lain move-on adlh : ditandai dengan pny gebetan baru, atau bhkn lbh baik, pacar baru.

Tp bagi gue pribadi, move-on itu adlh saat dmn seseorang sdh berhenti berharap.

Move-on itu gak sekedar berhenti menghubungi. Gak sekedar menghilang dr hidup dia, menjauh dr dia. Gak sekedar ngegebet org baru, atau yg lbh ekstrim : gak sekedar pny pacar baru.

Gue bs ngomong kaya bgini krn gue pnh jd org yg sgt menyedihkan dlm soal move-on. Terlibat hub sm dia hny 5 bln lamanya, tp scr hati gue terikat sm dia sampai 2 tahun.

Berasa geblek bgt saat itu. Gue mmg slalu cari2 cara utk hub dia di stgh taun pertama, sampai akhirnya gerah sndiri dianya. Dan 1.5 taun ke dpnnya gue habiskan dgn memantau dia dr jauh, kelabakan sndiri kl mmg ada kesempatan ktmu (krn kebetulan mmg msh satu circle-of-Friends), tp gak bergerak sm skali.

Mgkn dgn berperilaku spt itu, tmn2 gue pikir gue sdh move-on. Sdh gak mengharapkan dia lagi. Tp gue lah yg paling tau bgmn gue msh terikat sm dia. Kl diinget2 lg, ada 3 laki2 baik dan 1 mantan terbaik yg gak gue gubris krn blm move-on dr dia. Duile, berasa kecakepan yak gue hehehe. Tp seriusan dah, gak ada gunanya galau lama2. Krn yg lbh paitnya, si dia uda nikah, uda pny anak satu, lha gue nya stuck gak kemana2 slm 2 taun.

Jd bagi gue : move-on itu berhenti berharap, bkn berhenti berhubungan.

Skali lg sodara2! Gue gak blg itu gampang. Berhenti berharap itu sulit, cmn yg ilmu ikhlas nya tinggi yg bs cpt move-on hehehe. Dan lagi, berhenti berharap namun tak berhenti berhubungan itu super sulit. Sulit, menjelang omong kosong bahkan. Krn faktanya adlh biasanya itu hrs berjalan sejalan.

Tp bkn itu intinya. What i’m trying to say adlh : move-on itu berhenti berharap. Bukan berhenti yg lain2.

Namun kalau soal kamu, aku gak mau arogan dengan blg aku udah move-on dari kamu. Aku mmg sdh gak berharap, krn semua sdh jelas, dan sungguh aku terima. Tp mmg bkn berarti dgn sederhana spt itu, aku sdh move-on dr kamu. Krn perasaan aku ke kamu itu riil, bkn sekedar fling. Tp aku lega. Masih suka senyum2 sendiri kalo lg inget kamu, tp syukurlah sdh tak merasa perih dan merana lg krn rindu. Karena sungguh, aku ikhlas melepaskan kamu.

Good night anyway. Get Well soon.

[csmrgkr]

Am I Still Into You?

The fact that I still concern about whether you greet me Happy Birthday

Well, which that you didn’t.

The fact that I concerned about greeting you Happy Birthday

Couldn’t help but thinking about the consequences of it

Which finally, I did it.

The fact that I prefer not seeing you ever again

That I proclaimed that I don’t hate you at all, I just prefer to forget all about you

Anything that can remind me of you

Includes staying away from your friends, from ours

And the fact that, I met you accidentally

Fact that it felt so awkward, ain’t fun at all

But most of all, I can’t stop thinking of you since then.

Am I still into you?

If it is, after these three years, I should admit that I’m pathetic.

[csmrgkr]

I don't want to see you anymore.

Tell me that I'm a loser. Tell me that I'm pathetic. That I can't handle what's called 'reality'. The reality, that you've dumped me. You've left me with no reason. With bad treatments on me after. Treatments like I'm annoying, that I'm worthless. Not good enough to have you even as a friend. But hell no, I don't want to see you anymore. Not give a damn for your happiness or even sorrow. I don't hate you, nor still in love with you. But yes, I don't want to see you anymore.

[csmrgkr]

Tak Cukup Hanya Cinta

"Makan tuh Cinta!"

Ga jarang saya denger komentar seperti itu dari mulut teman saya, baik dilontarkan untuk saya ataupun untuk teman saya yang lain.

Dulu, saya pikir cinta itu segalanya.

Dulu, saya pikir dengan cinta, segala kekurangan dapat tertutupi.

Dulu, saya pikir asal ada cinta, itu sudah cukup.

Ya, dulu.

Namun sekarang, bagi saya tak cukup hanya cinta.

Ya, cinta adalah dasar dari segalanya.

Ya, karena cinta, kekuatan kita dapat menjadi berlipat ganda.

Karena cinta, selelah apapun sepulang bekerja, kita masih mampu meladeni telepon dari pasangan kita sampai lewat tengah malam.

Karena cinta, kita cukup rela 'menabung kecil2an' hanya demi mampu malam minggu-an.

Namun bila kamu mencari sebuah hubungan, hubungan jangka panjang, maka tak cukup hanya cinta.

Tak cukup, saat kamu sadari bahwa ternyata karakter kalian tidak secocok itu.

Tak cukup, bila kamu sadari bahwa entah bagaimanapun caranya, keluarga kalian tak restui kalian bersatu.

Tak cukup, bila pasanganmu tak memiliki ambisi untuk bekerja. Bekerja untuk dirinya, untuk keluarganya, dan untuk kamu.

Saya bukan cewe matre.

Saya juga bukan seorang yang pasif dan tidak mau berusaha untuk yang namanya cinta.

Saya sangat mengerti arti toleransi, menyesuaikan diri dengan perbedaan2 pemikiran yang dimiliki oleh pasangan.

Namun bila AKHIRNYA, kamu menyadari bahwa segala cara telah dicoba, dan yang tersisa hanyalah cinta, bagi saya itu tidak cukup.

Hancur hatilah sejenak, tata hati, dan cari cinta yang baru.

Cinta, yang punya masa depan.

Cinta, yang bukannya mencintai dia yang mencintai orang lain.

And wish me luck. I'm trying to have one. Good luck for all of us. ;p

[csmrgkr]

Sanguine - Melancholic

I'm sure that most of you reader notice about those words, I mean the definitions. Sanguine, Melancholic, and 2 other types like Choleric and Phlegmatic are personality types. According to Florence Littauer's Personality Plus (I read it on my 1st semester during College), people could have 2 types of them, that influenced their personality most.

The most complex match is Sanguine-Melancholic. And yes, one of those most complex people is ME.

It's hard to be me. I'm not saying that I have a miserable life, no. I have wonderful family, great friends, a job, and an awesome God. I have everything  beautiful that people could have wish for.

But, having a Sanguine-Melancholic personality, yes it's hard to be me.

I love to laugh, I love to make people laugh. I consider myself as a confident person, love to make friends, active. Every kind of personality that a Sanguine could have, yes it's me.

But I'm a true Melancholic also. I take people's words, positive and negative. I am sensitive (in good and bad version of it), love peace, harmony, and stability. And the contrary of those behaviors are killing me.

People consider me as a mood swing person. In one time I laugh hard and look happy, but in one time I keep silent, look pissed, and like to be left alone. And sometimes (again, sometimes), people feel uncomfortable with it. Well, sorry, that's your call, guys. :)

No, it doesn't mean that I don't care about what you think about me. In fact, I do care, a lot. And that hurts me. It hurts because, I feel like I can't be myself, in the way to please you. And it hurts me even more, because pleasing you guys is an important thing for me.

But somehow, a Joker could be sad also, right?

Simple example : i get offended by other people told me. I got pissed, sad, hurt. But I couldn't say it, because I'm too afraid of what you'll think about me. Maybe like, oh Caroline you're too sensitive. It was just a joke, why should you feel like that, blah blah blah. So then, I just keep the feeling, and try to get along with it.

But oh dear it's killing me.

I take people's words seriously. And I consider that when people say things on me, they mean it (excluding jokes). While writing this post, I kinda feel afraid that you guys mistaken all my words. I could just hope that you can differentiate that it doesn't mean that you can't tell jokes on me, sure you could. I'm talking about other words, excluding jokes.

Examples : words about how I look, about my performance at work, about the way I think, about principal things, words like that.

And if I have explanations for that, have comments about it, or if I got hurt because of it, I'm too afraid to show it. I'm afraid about the consequences that you won't understand. Or worse, you even make fun of it and think that I'm too much, that I'm dramatic.

Everytime, I always being careful about what I said, about my comments on people. (Again, excluding jokes). I treat people the way I want to be treated. So if I never say words about those kinds of things I've mentioned above, I hardly accept when people give comments about those issues on me.

This is my weakness. my biggest one. I'm not struggling with people, I'm struggling with myself.

I'm not a mind reader, but I always (although I can't), to read others mind about me. And the result of the mind-reading thing are oftenly negative.

Oh, me. When will you ever stop being like this?

[csmrgkr]

Reduce The Drama

Reduce the Drama

STRANGERS, think I’m quiet.

MY FRIENDS, think that ‘m outgoing.

MY BEST FRIENDS, know that I’m completely insane!

Once, someone even said that I’m such a serious person. Well, it’s acceptable since he’s just a stranger to me, and yeah, I’m a great actress, lmfao! My friends keep saying that I’m also such a sensitive person. Easily sad, easily angry, easily trust people by their words.

Yeah it’s true. But my best friends know me even better, about how dramatic I am, how a complicated way of thinking I have, how hardly satisfied my heart is.

Me, as a mood-swing-person, most people know. Coz no, i’m not intend to hide it anyway. And it’s hard to hide even if i want to, since I’m an extrovert and expressive person.

But less people know how a pure evil I am in mind. Not to destroy other people, but to hurt my self.

My mind is a house-of-drama. It has a lot of scenarios about how sad, or, how bad my life can be. I have imaginations that I guess even the best mystery writer doesn’t. And I’m so tortured by it.

I keep thinking that I ruined everything I did,  that nothing’s going right. I keep thinking that I make mistakes, that I turn people away off me. I keep thinking that I’m worthless.

There are soooo many times, so many tears I’ve had that had spent unnecessary. That all of it turned into a nonsense. People said that I’m a good motivator, but why, oh why, is it so hard for me to encourage myself?

I keep on saying that I won’t let it happen anymore. Oftenly failed, but I’ll keep on trying. And this time, I mean it.

Reduce the Drama. Remove the Drama.

Stop trying to please everybody.

Keeping GOD on the first place.

Therefore I believe, that life’s is way easier than I’ve had in 28 yrs.

[csmrgkr]

Takes two to start, but not to end it.

People are oftenly say that 'It takes two to tango'. Hell I don't even know what that means, I mean, I can do Tango by myself, can't I? ;p #justsaying #don'tbother

...................................................................................................

Takes two to start, but not to end it. I'm talking about a relationship.

Two people, falling in love, saying yes to commitment, and then starting a relationship. The relationship goes on, things happen from one to another, until one of them gets tired and wants to end it.

When someone's about to end a relationship, do they both really have to agree with it? I don't think so.

"That's mean", my friend said. "You're mean", he said to me when I told him that I agree with that kind of thing.

Yeah, people can end a relationship from one side. The partner shouldn't have to agree with it, should he? "It's selfish." Yeah, LOOKS like it's selfish. But I guess, think about it..

You're tired being with your partner, don't you wanna leave him/her?

Your parents disagree with the relationship, don't you wanna end it?

You STOP being in love with your partner, do you really think what you have still can be named as 'relationship'?

So, for me, if you want to end your relationship, just end it. Yes, do it nicely. 'Cause overall, your partner is still 'someone', at least he was 'someone' for you. And remember, you're NOT taking any responsibility about how he/she react after it. I believe, you guys are dating grown-ups, so eventually they'll be okay. :)

Well, this is just a thought from me. Feel free to disagree :)

[csmrgkr]

Better than talking to myself. Yeah.