csxnyx

[csxnyx]

do you think there will be a day where you and i will not be together anymore?

[csxnyx]

28 September 2017

Hey there ! I realised the last time i actually posted any diary writing was end of last year/ start of this year ? HAHA well its been a while . I kind of lost touch with writing cos it seems that every time i wrote, i’m either upset about something or something significant (or maybe not that significant HAHA) has happened . I didn’t really like that . As much as it helped me to get my shit together to understand myself , it does almost felt as if i wore for the sake of writing .

I digressed. Since i’m having some time today (i have kindly excused myself from tutorials LOL), i thought i’d do a quick update regarding my life , how i have been , and maybe share a little bit more about why i stopped writing ? A more elaborated reasoning from the first paragraph i suppose.

So what should i say . I dont quite remember how i was when i last wrote, so i dont think it a good position to do a comparison of where i am now. But anyway, i’m currently in uni, have very thankfully gotten myself into a local university (my ancestors must be proud). Went through many ups and downs throughout the last year but here i am thankfully in NTU . In fact, i’m publishing this from my bed in the hall !

Family situation hasn’t been too smooth sailing . But that’s kind of expected ? I’ve been stressed too many times, been worried and stuff , but things ain’t gonna change unless someone wants to change it, as the saying goes. I’m working hard to pay of my tuition fees at the moment. It gets stressful sometimes, in fact all the time . But i’m trying to gather myself together and make it out through this.

Despite it all , i think i am very thankful to share that i’m in a happy and stable relationship ! We argue about the silliest stuff, we laugh at the dumbest things , but at the end of the day , we both know we love can care about each other a whole deal. And that’s all that matter to me for now, i guess ? Sometimes i wish we’d plan further of what is ahead of us, after all he is someone that i potentially see a future with. But his reluctance and the uncertainty of the future deters us from doing so . I’m trying to accept the phrase “take one step at a time”, but the insecurity of my future still worries me everyday.

I won’t consider myself as someone who is doing very well ? But i a getting by and trying to cope gradually . Ever since i have entered uni, i feel like my mental health has been in a state of decline. I believe it is because of the stress level in the environment, but at the same time i feel that it is only necessary to feel so otherwise you wouldn’t push yourself hard enough to achieve your goals.

So yes, that’s how life has been for me so far. Good, but not too good. I left writing for an awfully long time, reason doesn’t just limit to the fact that i felt like i was writing for the sake of writing. As much as i feel so, i felt that at that junction in my life (where i left writing), i was in a state of confusion. I just started intern, life was getting on track with my bae. It was sort of overwhelming at the same time.

I also felt that i didn’t have the caliber and the capabilities to craft out a good post that isnt rambles and rant. I aspire to write “professionally” and that wasn’t really working out at that point in time. Another reason for my departure then was also because i felt like i was being scrutinized for the information that i have shared and it didn’t make me feel comfortable.

I know, my contents usually for myself and my bf. But there is a small part of me that makes me feels like leon would be judging at me for the things i write . It really didn’t felt good . Now, you may argue that there seems like a lack of trust in this situation. But this isn’t the case at all . I full trust him and i know he trusts me too, but this problem is not related to trust . Its more of my psychological barrier , i constantly feel like people are scrutinizing me and it made me very self conscious and insecure - 2 major elements of suicide that i really didn’t need in my life then, neither now.

But now, as i grew slightly wiser over the past year, i feel like i am more capable to handle myself , and thus i’m back here again today to share and organize my thoughts in this platform.

Rationale for today’s post is rather random i’d say . It all started with me planning for the upcoming recess week and the rest of the weeks this semester . With exactly 1 month away to my 20th birthday, i cant help but be slightly excited and curious regarding the future letter to self i wrote when i was 16. 

Yes you read it right , letter to future self. 4 years ago (or was it 5) , i written a letter to myself to read when i am 20 years old. 16 year old me was getting over my ex, crying hopelessly every other day. Letter to self seemed interesting then. Over the years, i no longer remember what i have written, but i’m curious to find out again.

Actually at this point in time, i’m slightly skeptical if i will actually receive the message back LOL. I hope i do, but i do know that there is a chance that i might not (i tired to check my email on the portal but it was in valid). In fact, i dont even remember what was the email that i have actually listed. 

I vaguely remember the content tho. I remember somewhat along the lines of finding happiness, i told myself to get over people who ain’t worth my time. 4 years down the line, i can’t safely say that i did it, but i definitely was happier than i was back then ? 

Which made me look back actually, at my past (heinous). I was young and dumb and i laugh at myself for the things that happen. But at the same time, recalling my ex, i have to admit that there are regrets, hate and scars that were left that i feel that i will not be able to get over in anyway. I have definitely gotten over him, but some things dont change i feel ?

There are often times that i look back at the abuse i suffered with (i didn’t know that i was emotionally abused until i was much older btw), and a part of me felt that, for all that shit that i have went through, he doesn’t deserve the perfect life that he has today. I felt that as much as he was talented in his way, karma was being unfair to me by making me suffer but, providing a better life to those who made me suffer.

I am salty, and i admit it. “Forgive but never forget”. I feel unfair that leon has to deal with the scars that i live with and pick up the pieces, because of what another jerk has done to me before . I feel horrid internally when i’m triggered occasionally because of scars from the past. Because it shouldn’t have, really.

That being said, i dont hate him. I may think he is a jerk, but i have come into terms to accept that we were young and stupid. People call it puppy love, but puppy love may create irrecoverable scars, and that’s something that people wont understand. 

Sometimes on impulse, i feel like lashing out on my ex. For the injust that i felt and for that closure that i have never gotten. And the latter, will always be a regret to me i feel. But then again, all these things has passed for so long, it might not matter to the other party any more, as such, is it even necessary to raise it up again ?

HAHA i feel like I've went a bit too in dept into this . But to give a good conclusion, i hope its clear to see that I've moved on but I've never forgotten and someday i still hope i will get my chance to talk about it, lets just to say similar to reliving a boulder off your chest. 

Moving away from this topic, i feel that this post was really for me to relive myself and to find the momentum back into writing . I think the post has gotten whiny, and to stop it from becoming a ramble i think i will stop here . Much is to be done about the disorganization of thoughts and this abrupt end off but i hope it will improve over time .

(3:15)

[csxnyx]

17 September 2016

Hello ! Okay i shall try to type as much as my internet connection allows . The internet has been faulty these days lol fml . I just cant seem to connect to anything and its wtf .

But anyway remember last week i talked about wanting to create a separate dayre to jot down things for my own keepsake because tumblr isnt that appropriate for short posts ? I have done it ! Thought really hard about the handler because as much as its supposed to be random and not make sense i dont think i want to come of as a dumb bitch HAHAHAH

And the dayre handler would be : @/celadon ! Wanted to have like 2 words together but firstly i can’t find any 2 words that calls out to me and rhymes . Just this morning i happen to saw the word “crimson” which seems familiar to me yet sounds sophiscated.

Crimson actually meant red after some googling and it sounds good. Wanted to use that with rose , so like crimsonrose . but then again, that‘d sound so weird because roses are default red i need not add adjective to describe it right ?

Naturally liking blue roses, i started searching for shades of blue hoping it could use it but not really . Like who the hell uses Persian blue with rose right HAHA . So i thought why not green since i really like green . so after some search, though i really love paris green and jade, i decided to go with celadon.

So while i’m on this let me just explain a little bit more about it .

Celadon (or in this case celadon green)

Its a colour that is pale greyish green, some prettier variations offers a brighter celadon green nearing the colour of jade. So the spectrum of celadon is really wide. But the area that i’m more attracted to its towards the jadeish colour. Its so pretty !!

Celadon green is commonly seen on old ceramic wares or if you heard of 周杰伦’s song 青花瓷, celadon is basically 青瓷. and if you are wondering what about the blue and white porcelain, its called 青花. And whoop instantly this word appealed to me because 青花瓷 is one of my really fave song to play on the guzheng ? it sounds extremely good on it and its one of the only few songs i bothered to learn well. So yes it really apt isnt it.

This colour actually originated in 13th century china, during song dynasty and it was one of the more highly valued porcelains in the imperial court back then. It it also one of the few wares that actually spreaded their influence into Korea, the Goryeo dynasty. So i think until here you can already understand why i really loved this word/colour .

I really love museums visiting cos i loved to read and know more about the old china history the different dynasty and i think the items tells a whole great deal of history . Its also the reason why i could understand and resonate well with vina’s love for imperial china history .

Interest wise i’m there and i loved to read up a lot of such stuff online about the people that lived in the different dynasties etc but i would definitely not want to take it as a subject in school because i think there is really a fine line of turning what you are interested in into something as being tested for . Its a whole new level of pressure and i dont think i’d like that .

Sorry i digressed but anyway, i felt that after finding about about this colour it really hits off with me very well ? And the best part of all , the word celadon is not taken by anyone dayre ! Which means secrecy is maintained whoop whoop . Its such a not known word , that tumblr actually red underlines it .

So tada i decided to name my new dayre @/celadon which fits what i am looking for and what i like well .  As mentioned i think the dayre will just be a place to rant or place to document things i feel about on the spot . Tunblr will still always be a safe haven to document long posts but i guess not really applicable if you are going to talk about your day or something you get me.

And last week i spoke about creating a video for krabi . And on the same day , i actually completed !! https://youtu.be/AT9SCWYZMMI, i think its really good for me especially when i really miss the trip and my boy . Tho it only consisted of 20 footages out of the 90 plus we have but its quite a comprehensive video showcasing what we did . Tho from time to time i open up the videos and continue laughing at my stupidity but ya HAHAHA .

Oh and speaking of which, tomorrow would officially by the 6th month that JiaEn and i have been together ! Woohoo ! i still live in awe and thankfulness everyday that i am loved back the same way by this amazing guy that fills my little heart with joy .

Sometimes i feel like a huge burden to him emotionally and financially, tho he’d sarcastically agrees but i know he knows without all these it’d not be me . I mean those burdensome habits are what makes me , me isnt it ? HAHAHA and to be really honest , when we started out i didn’t think we’d last this long (oops).

Our personality are so different and we adore different things . I’m far from what he considers ideal and he is far from what i considered too . I didnt believe he would like me at all even after we were together.  But i think the more you imprint your mind with that “Ideal” image, the shakier the basis of your relationship . and once that image is gone there goes your relationship .

And through it all, i think i have learnt so much from him. From his generosity towards things never fails to amaze me and it made me realised that sometimes there are so much more to the superficial monetary value. I believe in karma , and i believe in small blessings happening around you as continue to fill other’s life with the good be it in donations or deeds .

And to me, he was the greatest blessing i ever had .

I don’t know if i’m ever making sense when i talk about stuff like that . but i think these are my most genuine and raw(est) thoughts . I’m not an excellent writer but i really enjoying penning down things to clear up my messy mind .  

If you are ever reading this , thank you to you . You or rather we, have came a long way and here’s to a longer way to go . Thank you for accepting my little quirks and giving in to my requests to put a smile on my face . I’m trying my best everyday to be the best i could be and i hope you’d understand .

1 year ago on this same space, i penned down a letter for you . and i think it has been buried down under . And i dont know if you have read it before because you judged me very hard when i told you about this space (and that actually deterred me from posting as often tho tbh)

At that time of that letter i never thought we’d have something together , but i’m glad for the way it has turned out . Although sometimes i get mad at you because of your attitude to many things but i’m slowly learning to understand it from your perspective.

I get unreasonable at times because i can’t see it the same way you do , i get angry at myself and i break down , i hope you’d understand . I fill myself with high expectations of you just to feel bad that you dont fulfil , i’m sorry for adding these unnecessary pressures on you.

Your operation is next week. Though you have been telling me its a small operation and you’ll be fine and i dont have to come over to visit . But the last time someone told me it was a small operation , i never got to see him again. I’m not cursing you please dont think it that way but I dont know how to make you understand my worry whether the op is supposed to be big or small

 Tho you always tell me its okay , i’m such a worry wart . i can’t help but worry and i guess its in me and i wont be able to work well that day without me being able to see you . I just want you to know i love you very very much and i can’t imagine how’d be like continuing to live lifelessly chasing for impossible.

Cant wait to fulfil more milestone with you like Graduation, BMT , POP and so much more .  So cheesy but , i’ve loved you for a year and i know i will love you for many more (as long as you can tolerate my irritating-ness HAHA) .

(7:35pm)

[csxnyx]

12 September, 2016.

Ola ! HAHAHA i think its been such long time I've updated (FML June) no one actually bothers about this space anymore HAHAHA . Updating tumblr is actually quite tiring cos most posts are long and i don’t really have that much time to update strings and strings of post. Thus the lack of updates. Plus the fact that i usually update tumblr when i’m on my laptop ? and the lack of usage pretty much meant lack of updates.

And i guess this is where dayre actually won in that aspect ? It’s mobile , it’s convenient and its good la i would say . But then again, i have lack of updates on my dayre too (Oh the irony). But i have a good explanation for that yaw . I used to update it very often because it is a small community and you don’t have that great of a circle , so maybe your followers are like just that small group of people that you are comfortable with sharing. 

But all applications strive to develop to make themselves bigger. So as the community grew, more people are following you etc, you came to realise that you have an image or sort to upkeep . Not saying that i’m popz or whatever just feel like there has to be this reputation and a fine line between what’s shareable with the world and what’s not .  Not to mention , dayre does not have a private function unlike instagram . So it’s pretty wellz . 

As you can see this post going along , i’m actually inclined towards the idea of having a private dayre to record things that i don’t feel too comfortable sharing but just want to leave it as keepsake for my own purpose . I  think if that idea was realised, this space would be more neglected than it ever was HAHA sorry tumblr . But it’s all just a plan . Perhaps my daily ranting can go onto the private dayre and longer posts like my travelogue (??) can go up here. 

Speaking of travelogue , wanna start compiling the videos i created before i forget them . And i guess it’s a nice way to reminisce in this hectic lifestyle of an OL . Then maybe week on week we will see the progress . Thought i’d do a short update today about my plans after being away for like god knows how long HAHAHA.

Actually i don’t even have a specific topic to write about for the matter . Which is also why the title is just a date because nothing seems applicable. HAHA but then again all my posts titles are song lyric it was never thaaaat applicable anyway . I’d update about my boy , but i realised there has been so much going on that i don’t think it can be summarized so simply into a single post. Thought of posting about the entire krabi trip but’d use that time to edit the video with all honestly .

So it has boiled down to this. HAHAHAH indecisive as ever but what’s new right ? Life has not been nice so far . There has been so much going on that i dont think i know and will ever know how to put it into words. But through it all, i’m thankful for my boy who has always been there beside me no matter how ridiculous i get and all . 

I’d think of myself as being more blessed than others despite the shit thrown at me. After all, how many people actually get someone who loves you as much as themselves around who would tolerate how annoying you are. So my love , if you do come back onto this space to read about my thoughts, rest assure that you know more about what this space is telling you and i thank you sincerely for your tolerance and sacrifices for me. 

Moving on,  I think i’ll most likely create a separate dayre for my own keep sake but still haven’t thought of an appropriate dayre handler. Idk how people think of names like rachet maze , lel she even spelt ratchet wrongly HAHAHA . No prizes guess who that is . But i’m impressed with people’s ability to create unorthodox names . I had to google and still came out with nothing HAHAHAH wtf . But yes, when get a new dayre handler , i think that’s where i’ll be back to share again . It will be soon i promised, within the next 2 weeks.

In the meantime, i’ll be embarking on my edit of video HAHAHAHA its shitty not being able to work with proper softwares cbbb.

(3:20pm)

[csxnyx]

Would you lie with me and just forget the world

Hello ! HAHAHAHA i’m the genuine definition of lazy no joke who the hell updates once a month and probably already dont remember details of all the things that has happened in the last month . Was supposed to do my report but i seriously opened the doc just to close it off again HAHAHAH cb . Gonna head to library tomorrow to get it done seriously.

So i thought i’d just share some of my thoughts about certain things before i forget them again. Honest fact , i check back on chat history to know what i did on what date actually . I have a thing for remembering dates but since we go out every friday HAHA i think its pretty impossible to remember what i did on every single date . 

Stitches removal + Jajangmyun yumz .

So finally went for the cyst removal tho it hurts like mad but i’m glad i got it done and over with . TBH , the cyst on my face did really make me feel very insecure and bad about myself and my looks . Till i came to a point where i actually feel sick and tired of trying to explain what it was cos i’ll always feel worse off after explaining . I guess that’s me , when it comes to trying to explaining about my body and stuff but yeah .

Point is i finally got i removed and i’m so glad ?? Went to remove the stitches and Jiaen came over to accompany me at the clinic after class and i was actually very happy cos i finally get to see him proper after like what 2 weeks ? Due to exams and his interim report submission and Jiahui’s birthday . To describe my exact feelings is that i was an overly attached koala bear wanting to desperate hug him HAHAHAHA .

After the stitches removal we didnt know where to go and since he wants to shop for berms we went to bugis to walk around but we couldn’t find berms . But ended up getting himself a long sleeve top . Which i think looked really good on him ? Sorry i melt when *selected* guys appear in a long sleeve top or collared shirt or when they give me a sheepish smile HAHAHAHA

35 bucks rather ex but i think its quite worth as well ? Because not everyday he finds a top that fits him so nicely and doesnt need to alter AT ALL . So yes i think its worth . I mean think of it in another perspective you can be getting another shirt for the same price and still needing to alter adding up to about 40 plus bucks right ?

After which we went for korean food at clarke quay which i have been wanting to eat since forever ? Cos running man always shows themselves eating jajangmyun and it honestly looks so good la . I know ya its like taiwanese zhajiangmian but then its like same same but diff lorh . Jajiangmyun was good and the place was not bad too i liked dem appetizers.

Before we went in we were like wah this place is gonna be very expensive because like a dish is around 17 bucks . Ya typical restaurant prices la but eventually we amounted to around 30 plus which i feel is like ex but not that ex la given that knowing how both of us eat , we can easily amount to 50 or even 80 with out appetite HAHA

For that meal Jiaen treated me cos i always say he never treat me after he gotten his pay HAHAHA but actually i was really really joking . I think i dont look like i am joking even tho i really meant it jokingly when i’m saying things leh . is it cos i look too serious . Okay i think so maybe that’s why Jiaen always says i very xiao qi when i’m like huhhhhhh .

Walked around clarke quay after food and i really like long walks and chilling by the waters tbh . especially the latter . Its like looking at water gives a very calming effect and very chill which i like . HAHA come to think of it the both of us always chill by water after food lol wtf . It happened for ubin trip and then marina barrage and waterfront .

HAHA i think i share a special affinity with water ah !! But yeah we went home quite okay maybe not quite but yes early . But that’s cos we met the next day !

Xianren and Jieyang’s POP + KBBQ + Deep talks .

Actually i dont even want to talk about the POP . I mean its cool like its the first POP i actually attended even tho we couldnt get in at all but HAHAH it quite boring cos basically the bulk of it we kept waiting and waiting which is not surprising la like cos the boys would wanna talk photo etc ma so wellz.

Went to play pool after their POP and i finally learnt how to play pool ? Like a finally HAHAHA the last time i couldnt learn cos Jiaen was being a bitch la . idk if he is abit high on alcohol or what but ya he damn fierce when we teach cb and that time i just wanted to cry lol . But ya seriously . I finally learnt how to play pool . 

Really like to watch people playing pool especially Jiaen ? Cos idk but when i see him play pool damn omgggggg meltzz 100 times fml . He looks damn good when playing pool la fml . No i’m not praising my BF but really dayum . And i’m in a wrong top cos i think my boobs like quite exposed when i bend down ah !! After that was dinner with Jiaen and Bingz . 

KBBQ was cool with me cooking . But the point is , i think i really had a great time talking and listening more than eating . Bingz was talking and finally talking actually , about what happened between himself and ting . Shorten it cos idw people to find this place after they google her name ah !! HAHAHAHAHA

But ya i mean he used not not say anything whenever people ask but now he is finally saying it by himself which i think its good . Idk bout him but i feel like when people start to be willing to talk about their past , its a sign of letting go fully and something to rejoice . I mean i know he will let go etc la but the fact that he moved from changing this lock screen to talking about it , its good lorh . 

And i finally understood why they didnt work out . That night i seriously felt very enlightened at the end of it . Here’s why and be prepared for a long string of a penny of my thoughts . After KBBQ we actually went to mac to talk for another 3 more hours , making a total of 5 hours of HTHT . Maybe that’s why our trio group name its called bff HTHT HAHHAHAHAH

But anyway ya . Bingz talked about deb , how deb to him is someone who understands him when he talks to her about certain things . Maybe she isnt that great of a secret keeper , since bingz says shes one who blabbers alot HAHAH but then ya , she’s someone who understands bingz . Then he suddenly turned the convo to us , and asked how we got together .

I think i’m someone who always wants to know but always never want to ask or too afraid to ask . Is that we weakness ? yes i admit it is . But its also what made me someone who is good at finding out things and being a lie detector etc but ya . I didn’t said this but i’m glad bingz asked about Jiajie and i think its about time i finally hear about it and put a close for myself about this entire thing . 

Not going to lie . I’ve always been someone who is very insecure of myself because of my body and also because all my life i have been pitched as a comparison tool by others . Its not an exception people did that to me when Jiaen and i got together . Some even said that there is nothing that Jiajie and i can be compared with , because we have nothing similar at all and because her personality is one who guys will typically like

And me ? Well , i’m too strong headed . Sometimes it sickens me how people compared me that way , but i accepted it anyway . I choose to tell myself their insensitivity probably meant well . But i admit it did hurt tho i never said it . And i know Jiaen used to like Jiajie and it has been a thing for me like i always felt bad or even jealous of her since i started liking him even tho me and Jiajie are like pretty close .

So bingz asked Jiaen , why me suddenly ? Because i think not just bingz , almost everyone is still on the page of like Jiaen liking Jiajie and when its suddenly me , people where like are you sure HAHAHA but ya . So basically Jiaen explained how him and Jiajie are really just best friends and maybe on a deeper level , soul mates . They work on a level where they could understand each other maybe and i get it . 

I get it how some people like vina and myself are best friends but maybe because of our sometimes clash in personality , we aint like him and Jiajie . He did explained its also because you operate on that level with each other , understands each other well and sometimes the feeling is mistaken as affection . And that’s maybe what he felt with her . 

And i think something i heard which was really meaningful paraphrased into my own words was, “You love the person but you dont. You love the person, for being able to provide a unexplainable level of understanding but its never the same as loving someone in a relationship because the latter means being selfless and committing to love another being’s imperfections”

He didn’t exactly say that but i think it was what he was trying to convey . I admit i sometimes feel i dont understand because maybe i havent met someone i can fully expose myself to to let people understand me because i feel scared to do so . Sorry to say , but even when it comes to Jiaen i sometimes still have my reservations even though he always encouraged me to share but it takes time for me to open up . 

And maybe because i’ve never met someone like that’s i cant fully comprehend . For Bingz, that someon who understands him on that level was deb . At one point in the conversation, even though i didnt talk much but i was really thinking alot . It must have been great to have someone like that in your life that you can share and be understood . A lot actually went through when i was sitting there quietly . Sorry i sound like a spoilt brat but i did felt like wanting to cry .

Maybe its because i felt jealous that i didnt have someone like that in my life but it also my personality to blame for not being a very trusting person towards people and always very cautious with people . I’d put up a strong front that i’m good at everything , argue my stand because i don’t want people to locate the vulnerable parts of me . But when they do , i crash and burn immediately . 

Maybe i also felt jealous at the fact that the person who understands my bf the most isn’t me but its someone else , is it because i’m too useless ? I know its ridiculous to feel like that all the time knowing Jiajie already has someone else she like etc . But when i went home and silently think about it all over again , i feel silly and dumb .

 Exactly because they understand each other thats why they talk and puts in effort to be up to date with each other’s life . Exactly because they cherish their friendship and that’s why they both bothered . As a gf if i cant even have the most basic trust for my own guy , what am i even .

Yes i think i’m pretty much a failure at being a gf i admit but i’ve came to understand that to work things it starts with trust and it continues with understanding . If i can’t trust then why am i even loving ? I can’t even take the first step to let people into my life i’m just being selfish and bringing unhappiness to everyone around me . And all my jealousy at that point seems unjustified . 

Of cos for someone with a jealous nature like me its hard not to be . I think i’ll still be jealous but maybe in a more reasonable situation HAHA . Maybe i’m not the one who understands my bf the most but maybe in time i might be , but if i couldnt even take the first step to open up myself to people , how can i expect people to do the same ? Its something that its hard to change but its my personal promise to myself that i’m willing to try .

 And thats where i concluded with the quote above and i think i understand . At least i think i did and i have straightened out what been wrong this entire while . All these should have been addressed earlier to avoid all the unnecessary meltdowns , but i’m glad it was said still . 

It really made me reflect a lot lorh and made me feel really enlightened . Like when i talk to people about i understood from my 5 hour convo with the 2 boys about friendship, relationship, understanding and maybe a pinch of love everyone was like “ WAH CHIM “ But ya i think i understand it better now .

HAHAHAHA i think i’m noisy all the time but pretty brainless compared to the two boys who are usually quiet but they think a lot . I think i side tracked alot from understanding as a friend to relationship but i think its applicable to link it too , Maybe my understanding isnt correct but at least i have came in peace with myself by giving myself a solution to work with . 

Deep talks like these are something i really love . Especially if its at night , and its thought provoking , its something really nice . Tho i went home with a heavy heart but after thinking it through and maybe crying it out a lil , i’m glad i figured it out . And i feel really enlighten la so yay .

Stayover + Movie + underwater world 

So the following week after all of that , i got Jiaen to stayover at my place cos my family all went overseas without me . But i also got to spend some quality time with my love . So basically i cooked and sometimes he helps me clean up my house (and silently judge the mess) and we watched movie together , did kinky stuff ayee HAHAHA 

But yeah , its also when we decided after talking about it and planning and etc we decided to have sex . But i really dont regret giving my virginity to him la . It mean its not just cos for the thrill of it , we did talk about it and i thought about it before we did all these stuff . Although we have only been together for a short while , but all these while , i’m thankful for all that he has taught me and helped me with my insecurities .

Even if it was simple words of reassurance, i’m thankful for all he did . His love and care for me is something i can never thank him enough for . I dont know about him but i can safely say i really love him and not that i’m a reliant person . Okay maybe i am , but i think i found myself a dependable guy even if he doesnt feel he is as dependable as he is . 

I think all these coupled with a lot other things and a lot of thinking through led me to suggest taking our relationship to the next level . Who knows what will happen in the future , but its something i have always been worrying about . But then again , what matters is now and we only go one life so live it the way you want it (with some deep thoughts) isnt it ?  HAHA

but anyway , sex was good HAHAHAHA the first time was painful but i think its normal according to google but ya . But i gets better and yes it did . Though throughout the 3 days i feel kind of apologetic he has been doing all the work , pleasuring me more than i can do for him (Gf failure part 2) cos my knees are quite a problem and you kinda need to lift yourself quite abit but ya .

He always says its okay as long as i like it but i feel really bad cos it should be 2 ways . But verdict ? Sex is great but it isnt all that great as media puts it to be HAHA . They told you how great it is but they never told you how messy it is . Most of the time we were always finding where it is than doing it but its fun and sometimes funny cos we do dumb things while discovering ourselves .

okay actually 10/10 would do again , idk bout him but sex is quite tiring and you just wanna sleep right after that . The next time we will probably be doing it is like damn long later la HAHAHA . maybe at some point in time i did felt like maybe he didnt enjoy it as much as i did and i feel really bad but idk what to do other than hugging him like a koala bear and showering him with kisses and all . But ya sighpiez .

tho sometimes i seem v uninterested when nuaing when he is scrolling fb and watching elizabeth and her diet plans HAHAHA okay it was actually really funny but i look uninterested cos he always holds the phone to himself and i cant see anything and its painful to keep arching my back to see his phone but i just kind of drifted off and looked uninterested afterawhile HAHAHA 

But i really like nuaing and chilling tho maybe with a lil making out but Its a really good alternative to sex . And i feels really good to be able to cook the one you love and he looks at you and tell you that he likes it . It also feel really good to satisfy his hungry tummy at crazy hours and clean the house together . 

On fri we actually went to underwater world which i updated the bulk of it on dayre alr . HAHA actually dayre is useful to document thing but then being the lazy me that i am , i’m lazy to retype . But i’ll quickly summarize . So we went cos its closing down and its 9 bucks so why not !!

When we got there it was raining v heavily which has its pros and cons . pros no on in the queue to enter so yay . cons we are pretty drenched la and had to pay 4 bucks for the monorail cos its impossible to walk in . Underwater world was okay and i shouldnt complain for 9 bucks so yas . But over all was good and the sky walk was cool too .

It actually leads to fort siliso and we should definitely visit it !! The sky walk also has a pretty good view and windy HAHAHAH idk what came over us but on the bridge we started doing kinky stuff again but well HAHAHA thrilling ah !! okay pls dont be mistaken its not meant to make me sound like a slut but its really just woah cos its just all very new and i really like la . 

After that we went to eat at the japanese restaurant we ate when we when USS . But this time round they changed their name and we thought they moved . Speaking of which the chicken rice at cwp closed down and its pretty sad cos its Jiaen’s favourite HAHA . Had unagi and it was instant meltz in your mouth woohoo . HAHAHA he even says he loves unagi more than me . 

Yes its quite hurting he choose food over me but well . What to do . He apparently chooses a lot of things over me like bed and sleep . But its okay i’m the only live option among the rest HAHAH he still needs me and my love CHEYYY . Then we had mini meltz for desert !! 

My fave childhood ice cream is finally back in sg and i’m really so happy ??? But my fave flavour is oos . Rainbow ice is good but and comparable to lemon lime but i still really wanna eat lemon lime . Good thing is i have a loyalty card so i’ll probably be back soon yay !!

Okay i think i’ll stop here . What was supposed to be a quick update has turned out to be about 2 hours 30 mins . LOL i wish i have the same amount of concentration when it comes to doing reports too sigh . Must be productive tomorrow tho or i’m screwed af la . Wish me all the best !!

I think the next time i’m gonna post is gonna be next month again wtf but wellz busy schedule coming up i dont even know if i will have the time . but till then !

21 June 2016 . 3:41 am .

[csxnyx]

你是我最想留住的幸运

Hello !! I apologise for the lack of updates HAHA Seriously no time at all but since i did all that i aimed to do for today so i thought why not update a lil before i forget . Title was random because it just happened to be the song i was listening to when typing this HAHA . so yes . I pretty much update like once a month or when things happen and i need to sort out what i’m thinking HAHA Messed up yes i know . 

Idk but writing , in this case typing , allows me to express what i want to even if its with pathetic english standard . And it lets me read back again so i’ll always remember what i felt at that time and why and stuff like this . Extremely applicable when i’m upset HAHA cos you read back at the happy times and remember how things used to be .

 As sad as it may be , i think it does serves as a form of encouragement that life goes up and down , not everything is always positive , neither does the bad times last forever . Call me old school but pen and paper recordings are always the best . Letters > text , physical communication > online platforms . How ironic i’m posting on a blog now instead tho HAHAH okay shall not bore you with these mindless rantings, moving on .

Zouk + Sbucks delivery

HAHA decided to put this 2 together because they actually happened in April and look its May wtf . Idk how much i can remember but let’s go . Zouk . It was pretty random because Jiahui actually asked Vina and i if we wanted to go . Then i was like why not since school is starting . Fml i realised its been EXACTLY a month since zouk fakkk HAHAHAHA . Okay back to story so we were like okay why not . 

Then i remember JiaEn havent gone before so i just asked . But it would be weird if he is the only guy . Zouk isnt that safe of a place either . So asked bingz . Then realised if all 5 of us are going , and if we dont ask Angel , isnt she gonna be left out ? HAHAHA So what was supposed to be a 3 person think became 6 . But the more the merrier so why not right plus its like bali revival so ok cool.

When i asked Angel the first thing she said was “Walao you siao ah who the hell brings their bf to go clubbing” HAHAHA Okay true no one does that but then again , its not like I'm gonna go zouk and hook up some guy or cheat on him so why cant he come right . So i really dont understand why people are so against on bringing their partner to club tho , i mean unless you have intention to cheat and i’m not surprised any more since i heard so much of such cases . 

But well , i guess eventually it turned up well ? HAHA i mean having your own bf around to protect you is a good thing right no . Not that i’m like super attractive or what shit but like i said zouk isnt a safe place and to quote angel “SG guys quite hiong leh , abit scary” 

So into the night , when we were in phutures dance floor ccb there was this girl who keep jumping and pushing like no one’s business . Bitchy shit and cos she was wearing heels guess who she jumped and stepped on . Cb i wanted to die the next day cos my leg was so painful ? But ya what a bitch and she turns out to be bingz friend in intern . 

So since the girl was being such a bitch by pushing and jumping all , angel and i did the same , she jumped and i push HAHAHAH . we are the perfect combo to retaliate to such people and the ranting about this girl went throughout the journey back and it was pretty funny la like the way she explained it . 

“Wah her butt so big like my volleyball sia . lucky i got train my spikes . but anyway her butt good for using as training for volleyball lorh . bitch sia the girl” i died when angel described it . Overall zouk experience that day wasn't that good actually cos the DJ wasn't that good plus that girl wtf .

Okay end of my zouk story HAHAHA moving on to my starbucks story . So what happened was , my last mens cycle i was dying from cramps . Background info , mens cramps dont usually affect me actually . But on some months when they do , i feel like i could die . So basically that’s what happened . After not being a bitch to me for awhile , it decided to kill me . 

That’s where the bf came into the photo HAHA . I was randomly snapchatting that i was dying from cramps . I mean its a natural thing to rant right HAHAHA . When you cant do anything to save yourself , you silently hope that ranting helps to alleviate the pain but no HAHA . Its purely psychologically actually . 

Back to my story , what i didn't expect or least expected was that my bae would deliver warm hot green tea late to me . Awwww . HAHA i mean what even , knowing the lazy person he is (you know you are) , i wouldn't have expected it la . Plus he was telling me he went for a haircut so yaa . But i was really touched la that he made the effort to come over and deliver it to me knowing i was dying .

And i guess this actually made me really happy for a few days ahead HAHAHAHA . Sorry i think i sound very retarded but when people do things for me i actually feel really happy , like knowing people cares about (the insignificant) me , it gives me an unexplained warm fuzzy feeling . So yay , if you’re reading this i think you are , thank you again dear !

Pulau Ubin

Yes ! Up next is about ubin a trip that i have been pleading JiaEn to go with me since forever HAHA . Actually is cos like i really want to cycle since the holidays but never got a chance to because the bike at home belongs to my mum and she’s always using it to go different places like the market or her friends house etc .

Actually i updated a lil of this on my dayre . So i’ll summarise , skipping the what time we reach ubin and rent bike nonsense HAHAHA . Looking at ubin’s we decided to head to Chek Jawa which is at the right end of the place and approx 3.2km away . Not that far it sounds , cos if you cant run 2.4 in 18mins whats 3.2 right . HAHAHA who am i kidding i died .

So the place is has a lot of up slope and stuff like that . i have a pretty weak knee because it was hereditary , my mum had polio when she was young so i’m stuck with this . To make it worse , the it was like rocky road which didn’t make it any easier to cycle . 

After much screaming of “Can i die now” & “omg its up slope again??” We reached Chek Jawa HAHAHA . I got off my bike to push a lot tho because it crazy for me to cycle thru it . Chek Jawa is a pretty nice island ? Nice sea view , nice bridge and a nice observatory tower . I guess its pretty much worth the effort to cycle there !!

When leaving the area guess what we saw wild boar !! So cute la HAHAHA cos i’ve never since one before . First instinct was to snap a photo and send it to almightyjiahui and captioned it “OMG I SEE YOU” HAHAHAHAHA . Vina and i had a good laugh at it . Its like a sec 2 joke that she’s a wild boar and the purplerunaway nonsense .

It used to be the 3 of us having the purple nonsense . Vina was purplerunaway , i am purpleflyaway . But only Jiahui kenna being disturbed by everyone for it HAHAHA and its probably because she went OBS and the 2 of us didn’t . So yes , moving on while cycling out of Chek Jawa we saw this quarry which was pretty gorgeous !!

TBH pls dont laugh at me , when i saw the word quarry and Jiaen said he wanted to go there and see i was thinking why would he want to go there adn see birds HAHAHA . I apologise for my poor English standard but the first thought when i saw the word quarry was a bird park probably because i thought its the same as the word aviary . 

I understand if you are reading this and saying wtf how can i even mix it up its so different but seriously , i’m just that dumb i wish i have an explanation for my logic HAHAHA . As we got out of the quarry , we past by this DO NOT ENTER sign which JiaEn said we should try to enter .

I swear to god the first time we entered i was so fucking scared i wanted to turn around so badly but idw to chicken out and look scared . But eventually we went in for the second time which i told myself fml dont think too much since i cant hear then dont hear out for weird sounds that will scare the shit out of myself . HAHAHA sorry if i sounded dumb but really am that dumb .

The route is abandoned for quite a while the signs that says no trespassing is pretty much covered with algae and worn out and place just looks old and it leads to a harbour that is fenced up . But according to JiaEn , if we go further down it should bring us to a lighthouse . But its getting rather later so we didn’t go further .

HAHAHA plus i think my face like very obviously scared leh fml . But anyway the route back was seemingly faster than the route there i feel . I swear i’m a bad people to go explore places with but i love to do it sighhh . But anyway , fast forward we ferry back to Singapore and had dinner at Changi village .

Food was not bad for a cheap price plus maybe also cos we hungry af la HAHA but the meal was really filling tho . Then we walked to Changi beach to chill abit cos i think if we were to bus back immediately after food we would puke instead HAHAHA . Changi beach is a pretty special place i would say , went there with JH and vina in sec 2 with my fam and it was really cool . 

We buried a paper in the sand saying all our wishes and our hope to be best friends forever HAHAHA childish dumb things we do but really brings back a lot of nice memories . Sitting at the beach really makes you feel sleepy because of the wind , plus after a long day of cycling , you just really want to sleep . 

After sitting around awhile , JiaEn lie down on my legs but i had to cross my legs instead cos the ants are extremely annoying ?? I think i stepped on their home or something but there was a bunch of ants coming to me after i cross my legs it was better but i think its less comfortable for him (Sorry dear!)

Then after awhile i lie on his legs instead . Fak damn comfy sia HAHAHA , 10/10 would replace my pillow for his legs instead HAHAHA . I wanted to sleep and i almost did , but i cant because if i fall asleep and people wake me up , i’ll be extremely grumpy and no you don’t want to see it HAHA . But yeah given another chance i’d love to lie on his legs again sia . 

Left around 9 plus 10 i thinkk . i dont remember but its pretty much a fruitful day and i lost a lil bit of weight from the cycling yay HAHA tho i think i gained i back alr but whatever it makes me happy for that little while and its pretty good .

Science Centre Observatory

Okay yay next part . HAHA yes its a very long post because its been so long since i updated . So yes , Its a pretty impromptu trip la because it was after school and i thought we were just meeting up for a casual dinner and i didn’t plan to go anywhere , so JiaEn suggested science centre since i said i want to go last week or was it last last week . 

But anyway the visit . To sum up i think it was rather disappointing , but the cats made it better HAHA . Actually maybe the trip isnt that bad you see but its probably because i had expectations way too high . Idk but in my mind , with a telescope pointing at the moon you are supposed to get to see the craters and stuff like that but we didn’t get to .

We did some cool stuff like Mars . Like whoa i wouldn't have expect or think that the bright start i see at night is a freaking planet ? But it actually is la which is amazing . And HAHA call me a sucker for fairy tales but i do make a wish when i see stars at night . Call me dumb or whatever idc i believe can alr . But then i was thinking so maybe sometimes i wasn't wishing upon a star but wishing upon a planet ?? HAHAHA

After stars viewing JiaEn and i found a family of cats . What a drastic change right from stars viewing to cat viewing HAHAHA but seriously cats are x10 better ? So we basically spent 1 hour playing with the cats and they are so freaking adorbs laaa . Like walao where got cats let you pat and how their paws after such a short interaction ? It makes me want to bring them home omg . so cute de . 

Walking back to jurong , i actually made him annoyed cos i passed a mindless remark :( Its my fault la for being this constantly jealous bitch which i shouldn't be ? And also because i was being insensitive by saying things i don’t mean . Actually idk why i like that also , its not that i dont trust him , but more of i don’t trust myself . 

But its cleared up so its okay i guess . Sighpie . And i think its me but when i apologise , and people tries to hug me after i do so or say sorry to me too , i’ll instantly feel like crying . I let my tears flow way too easily (which isnt really good actually because it results in other eye conditions which i had for a period of time) 

So yasss , actually i feel extremely guilty when i make people mad and its usually because i said something insensitive which could have been avoided if i gave some thought about that i say . Sigh . He sent me home even tho i said it isnt necessary because i still feel bad from making him mad . 

Moving on to the brighter side of things HAHAHAHA he’d usually kiss me before i go which always becomes making out instead . Except this this time the smart me found a nice spot that is away from the camera and people . Actually i really thought the corner is pretty genius but then again its dangerous to have a corner like that too walao what if people rape you then no one know sia fak .

But main point is , HAHAHA even tho i really think we should stop making out in the public but it actually does feels good leh . so ironic cos how can something thats probably not right feels so right HAHAHAHA . Chimology 2k16 but seriously , shy to admit this but there an unexplainable liking for it la dayum . HAHAHAHA okay fakkk i ought to stop . 

But anyway since i’m on the topic , just a penny of my thoughts . i think open interaction about such stuff is good ? Idk but physical intimacy one of the  way to express your love for each other , and its good to talk about to make sure both are on the same ground and understanding . 

And even more for people who has their love language as touch . Okay no i’m not saying that all other 4 are not important but i think physical intimacy really does help in a way to show your love . I read an article before and i there was this sentence that caught my attention “If you could only use touch to explain your affection, would your partner be able to understand how you feel about them?”

And i think its very true . i dont mean that after this everyone should touch each other to express love HAHAHA no . As much as touch is a good way to express affection and love , good amount of communication is necessary . After all you dont want to be touchy and all but your partner is uncomfortable about it.

Sex or not i think its a personal choice but its something to venture into when you think you’re ready for it and again be safe HAHAHA . I mean so long as you stay protected and stuff , all these are okay i think . I’m not any relationship guru but i think i’m just sharing what i feel is right la since this place is only for my reading purposes . 

Birthday

So yes idk if its a joy or what but i’m finally at my last point HAHA Can’t believe all the parts above took me 3 hours ? And i’m not even done sia but okay let’s continue . So his birthday was something that i have been planning for for awhile . Even tho i think it was quite badly executed i suck at this despite planning for so many people before , i’m glad i got to spend it with him .

LOL sound like my own birthday right HAHA . I swear throughout the thing i think i was more excited than the birthday boy . It feels like a birthday i planned for myself than for him HAHAHA . Initially i gave him 3 options to choose from which all 3 are around the same price range .

Staycation , Present , Food . I have my set of budget but i need to know how much to set aside to plan and survive on a day to day basis right !! So typical response from him was anything and “aiya no need celebrate la what’s so good about growing older”. 

But he striked out staycation which was what i wanted most , NOT TO DO ANY KINKY STUFF but really wanting a break to chill from school and for him work . And basically he rejected all of my ideas so i decided to get him a gift and buy him some food since he keep asking for hawker fool fml . 

Which was so different from what i planned in mind HAHAHA . Seriously my initial plan was imo damn good sia . Book a staycay , then go ubin cycle since near changi can eat hawker . Fulfils 2/3 , then gift i can get the clique to share . Or maybe not hawker can you no go back hotel wash up and change into something nice and go for a classy dinner and have some quiet time together . Swee right my idea .

HAHAHA None of the above actually happened which is sian . Okay maybe ya the dinner but he refused to let me pay which was urghh and i felt guilty af . I’ll come to that later . So yes in the end i got him a wallet as a gift cos his current one looks worn out despite him saying he only used for 1 year plus to 2 .

So i got Braun Buffel which was well known for its lasting leather quality , i’ve seen people using their Braun Buffel for like what  5 years and still works good . I short listed a few and asked for opinion but i realised everyone’s opinion vary drastically so i decided to go with majority and my personal favourite so yay HAHA . 

Hi dear if you’re reading this , please tell me if you don’t like ok . Actually i think you really don’t like but you deny when i ask so i wont feel hurt . HAHA whatever it is , please tell me if you don’t like . And do use it but aiya even if you dw use that put it for viewing purposes also your choice . Should have gotten you a belt tho HAHAHA but oh well .

On the actual day i met JiaEn at the bus stop near his workplace and it was raining freaking heavily ? Its so gam like i alight 168 it immediately rained . Since there are 2 bus stops in the area and i needed to get to the other, i did an unconventional method which eventually still got me drenched and i was colf af .

OH i got drenched . No wonder i’m having a flu now fml . Found the cause HAHAHA . So we decided to head to waterway point . A relatively new mall that resembles Nex with its escalators located at ungodly areas and quite atas shops . Spent quite some time deciding on what to eat because its what happen when you put 2 indecisive people together who repeatedly asks each other what you want to eat .

Deciding between Genki sushi and Din Tai Fung which we eventually chose the latter . Actually now to come to think of it , should have went to Genki sushi cos i never eat before . But well its ok la . Din Tai Fung was good in my opinion leh and full but maybe not for him HAHAHA cos he needs a lot of food .

But the price tho is normal for Din Tai Fung , i feel like for the same price maybe we could have gotten better so a bit not worth la . But jiu jiu yi ci then just suan liao . And he wouldn’t allow me to treat which i feel very bad that cos the food is i choose de but then he has to pay as well when its his birthday :(

Then after which we walked around the mall and i insisted to take polariod HAHA sorry burden . But JiaEn was being another burden to by not wanting to ask people to help take which could have solved the issue sia . We selfie twice and obviously quite fail so oh well . I should get a polariod printer right then next time just print out enough . 

Then finally we asked someone to help up take . Ok we both look very cui in the end so maybe not the right day to take lorh . But the guy was quite funny also , after taking polariod for us he asked if we can take photo with him because he wants to send to his girlfriend . 

So weird and random la but i guess it okay and i hope i made him happier ? HAHA sometimes when i see construction workers coming to singapore or other first world countries to help build the country but given so little recognition i actually feel sad for them . Like hello they have families at home too and they are humans why we gotta be so mean ?

But i guess its humans that we often stereotype . I admit i’m one too like i’ll say things like wah that banglah keep staring at me . Cos it does gets a lil creepy and doesn't sound very safe but all these aside i think they ought to be given more recognition for their efforts . Yes they are paid wages but its not a lot and they are taking jobs that singaporeans don’t want to but the point is , i believe they should be given better treatment la . 

LOL i sound do chim and learnt but HAHAHA seriously i wish i am . But i’m just sharing my thoughts since we are on the topic so yes . Moving back to my story , after shopping around and polariod nonsense , we bus home tho its actually really late alr and JiaEn has work the next day too . 

So yas , short dinner but i think it was great ? HAHA to me i think so long as i got to see him and all its good enough for me . Sorry if i sound clingy , infact i think i’m quite clingy i’m sorry . But i really love spending quality time with people i love even if it means sitting in silence . 

And yes finally i’m done with my super lengthy update ! okay i think lengthy updates are my thing HAHA but at these this recap about what happened and bits and pieces of my thoughts are more interesting than my other lengthy posts that are usually like my mindless rantings ? Or post that are about things that are irritating me and i need a solution desperately .

I think its something to call for a celebration about that these things significantly got lesser the last 3 months plus or so ? HAHA ya i think its cos of my bae too cos previously i always have these conflicting feelings and things i need to let off that comes indirectly from him HAHAHAHA i’m not blaming him la i think its mostly from my overthinking too which i ought to change .

Okay so think i’m just going to end here ? Holy moly 4 hours plus for this entire post HAHAHA no its not that i have too much time on hand , i have alot of undone items but i guess feel that things like events and feelings are things that should be recorded as soon as you have time because “记忆有限随意它会淘汰坏的“

HAHA that was a lyiric from a song but so relevant what . I kept listening to it during one of the finals period cos that i’m i really quite sad over a lot of things . and 记忆不止会淘汰坏的，美好的记忆中有一天也可能会消失 so its best to write it down HAHAHA eh my chinese buay pai leh tho i think i dont always make sense but doe does . i should consider doing a chinese post next time HAHA . Till the next time .

17 May 2016 . 3:30AM .

[csxnyx]

Live for the moment

So hey i’m finally back from YEP and all that stuff and what’s not . so its time to like you know do a proper update about what went on recently from the movie + museum date to staycation and to yesterday’s dinner date . So here it goesss !

Movie + Museum  So after we went out on 29th that day he asked me if i wanted to go anywhere . If i wanted then i should tell him because his intern is starting soon and when it starts he probably wont have time to accompany me around anymore . So since i have 2 movie tickets to spend , i suggested going to watch a movie .

But watching movie only is pretty boring so museum too because i wanted to go to museums for the longest time but i never had the chance to go and coupled with the fact that i didn’t want to go alone so yes . So we went to watch zootopia and dayum it was a really great movie .

Like come on who doesnt like a movie with cute cuddly animals and they are so freaking adorable . Throughout the movie i was lying on Jiaen’s shoulders which i really like . Don’t ask me why but this shoulders gives me a sense of comfort and i feel really safe when i do that . 

So after the movie we went to national museum of singapore . Since i really liked knowing more about history , i think museum is really the place for me la and you know its freeeeeee . But i think i cannot really say the same for him . ?Like when we are viewing the exhibitions , sometimes he will come to me from the back and suddenly hug me .

Its sweet and all and i really love hugs from the back HAHA . but i know he does it so frequently because he is bored with the exhibitions and he just there to accompany me because i really like museums . After which we decided to walk toward bugis from the museum because i saw rochor from afar .

While walking there we actually past by this thai restaurant and decided to settle for thai food instead . Dayum the food was good and not to mention it was relatively cheap too . 10/10 would return if we were in the area in the future . After that we decided to walk around and that’s where i realised bugis and dhouby are actually really near ?? but then you take like 3 mrt stops away .

We were so bored and had nothing to do so guess whoch idiot suggested walking to marina bay cos it seemed near . So we talked and it was about 17km in total ? Goodjob to myself man . But i really liked walking like when you walk you get to appreciate the things around you and esp when you walk around with the one you love i think its 100 times better . 

Cos we were so broke and we didnt want to take mrt cos it means we have to top up money in the card , we decided to take bus back home and it was about idk 1 hour 30 mins journey ? but overall it was okay i guess . And i really enjoyed the day tho my leg actually feels like dying the next day . 

Staycation  So we planned for staycation around the same time as the movie thing . And it was because all my ideas got rejected due to distance and time and stuff . So if we actually stayed in the city we will not only be nearer to where we want to go and also we can spend some alone time . 

So we choose to stay in hotel nuve . Okay not really that we choose its more like i choose and his job was just picking the most affordable . What a bitch right . So ya the location was not bad . it was opposite haji lane , 5 mins away from bugis mrt and right beside a famous cafe . Which actually sucked and i’ll explain later .

So after checking in we were just chilling around cos we dw go out so soon . So somehow from watching TV things escalated to cuddling and kissing which he hesitated for a long while before he actually kissed me . I know i sound shameless for saying this but truth to be told i really liked it HAHAHA  . 

So it went on for a while but it feels wrong because i’m still not this gf and i don’t have an offical title but i think i was pretty dumb to ask him “But i’m not your gf its wrong to do all of these” , so at that moment he asked me “would you want to be my gf” its sweet but weird at the same time cos its just in the wrong situation la

Actually i did thought for really long after that day like , was saying yes a good choice or not . Like , at that point in time i wasn’t 100 percent convinced he likes me and not the feeling of it . And this pretty much became a issue for me because it comes off as though i dont trust him and it caused me to feel insecure thinking if his feelings for me will fade . 

But after today and a series of happenings i know very sure he loves me and he loves me very much . I dont think i’ll talk about what happened in this post so ya .

But definitely this 1 month or near 1 month it was been pretty okay with some ups and downs but its still fine . After a while we went out to CHIJMES cos i want to take a look at how pretty is it there but there is really nothing much so ya . Then we decided to head to marina barrage . 

The thing about us is this , in an attempt to save money we walk . So from city hall i was like city hall to marina is near we can do this so we did but then from marina we just weren’t able to find where is the bus stop to marina barrage . So we walked there instead . And pretty much ended up walking the entire day .

While walking he would randomly spring me with kisses which i really liked it . So we walked around marina barrage and when to the coastal area which i never knew existed . So after dinner which i forgot what it was we went back hotel and started movie marathon . 

Because i insisted that i wanted to watch hunger games before and complete the entire movie so he downloaded it and brought his laptop over so that we would watch . Hunger games last instalment was honestly not that great i very much prefer the book because the movie really didnt not emphasize the peeta and katniss love line enough i feel . So ya .

After movie it was really just more kissing and cuddles for the entire time like in the day . I think i’ll never be able to admit but i really like it more than i should . But after which we went to 7-11 behind the hotel for supper but i wanted sweechoon so i didnt get any food whereas he got macaroni instead . Then we watch kungfu panda 3 .

It was okay i would say but we didnt complete the movie cos i was extremely tired it was around 4am then so we just slept instead . Initially he was cuddling me but after awhile when he slept , some how all the blanket went to him and i was left out in the cold . So you can pretty much expect that i didn’t slept much .

Sounds so tumblrish and rs goals but waking up next to him and seeing his sleepy face , i feel extremely blessed to have him . He kissed me when i just woke and idk but at that point in time , it just felt surreal . Where we are now is indeed way further than what i would have ever expected and i never thought we would ever get together but we did and i felt like i was the luckiest girl ever . 

Washed up and checked out and we eat breakfast at the cafe beside our hotel . Remember i said i sucked ? yes the food was really not good i’m pretty sure that morning we repeated that we should have went to eat dimsum like for at least a 100 times . After which we went to national art gallery . 

Its newly renovated so its pretty inside and outside but seriously unless you know how to appreciate art , dont go there not kidding . And the both of us couldnt appreciate art so after awhile we went to peranakan museum . Oh thank god for art gallery’s lockers we could throw our heavy bags in there and go off elsewhere . 

Peranakan museum was okay and was 100 better than arts gallery because it was something that we could actually understand what we are reading HAHAHA . After which we had lunch and we went back . And i had to prepare for YEP too . But i got to meet him again 1 day before i flew off and i guess all was well .

Dinner date So after being back from YEP , Jiaen asked me if i free on friday which is yesterday because its been long since we saw each other . After being away for so long there are alot of thing i really crave to eat like korean food , bingsu , gongcha , pork may of it and alot more . So i told him i wanted to eat korean food .

Shixuan recommended me one at clarke quay and sells jajangmyeon which isnt found in most korean resturants nowadays so i really want to try it . So i around 530 i was at seletar waiting for him to end work . So after ending work we were waiting for the bus there there was and old lady on the same bench as us and she was talking like which company are we from and all .

So of cos i was stumbled by the question because im not an aircraft engineer . But anyway before the lady left , she told Jiaen “be a good boy and treat her well okay . She’s a really nice girl” Idk but when people of older generation say things like these , it really gives me a fuzzy feeling inside . 

Since we have to pass by nex , and vina said she wanted to meet us both we ended up going to nex for dinner then went to the shop to find her for supper . So instead of korean food we has japanese udon instead and well its not really that nice i would say ? okay maybe Jiaen’s food was nice but not mine . 

So he was telling me about what happened to him at work today and how he got “scolded” more than usual because he just wants to get done and over with work . Basically he was really frustrated and it pains me to see him so because i dont know how to help him nor know what to say to make him feel better . 

After food we walked around the mall and went to look at animals . Ho mai the pups are so freaking adorable ??? i’m in love the the tzitzu and he loves the golden retriever but both dogs are just so adorable laaa . So after that we continued to walk around and that’s where the problem started . 

So we were going down the escalator and i casually said i wanted to eat ice cream . He didnt caught what i say so he asked me to repeat but i didnt want to because thinking again ice cream isnt a good choice given that i‘m actually cold enough right now . 

Then he suddenly rage me “why cant you just say it again you want to eat ice cream is it” so i said i dont want to anymore . And he continued  “You want to eat ice cream then we go mac and sit la” . So considering that i was already cold enough i said i didnt want to but i saw the frustrated expression written all over his face and it was scary .

He has never raged at me before or be frustrated . But i’ve seen him did it when he was talking to his parents and that’s how i know he was really angry . So i didnt want to make the situation worser than it already is , so i said okay lets just go mac even though i dont really want to anymore .

Then he said  "what you want can you just say . you want to eat other ice creams is it . What’s so hard about saying it" So at now he’s obviously irritated and i dont want to fight with him also given that we are right at the main door or the shopping centre . I went to get my ice cream and we dont talk and the entire time i just didnt want to talk to him because i know i would cry and neither do i want to look at him .

But the entire time i was really thinking . I am not angry with him at all i know he’s just having a bad day . Even though its not an excuse but its really fine with me because if i cant say anything much to make him feel better the only thing i can do is to be as understanding as possible and let my presence comfort him . 

But it also made me reflect . Like your partner is supposed to be the one who’s able to cheer up and offer you some form of comfort when you have a bad day at work . And i cant do it cos i suck at words . i dont say it but i really felt like i’m a failure at being his girlfriend . 

Like I’m unable to do much for him and he gave me so much to keep . What if he’s giving me a title cos vina has been saying how its not right we keep doing coupley stuff but not being together . He tells me to live in the moment all the time but i just cant do it without thinking about what’s going to happen in the future . 

But after that he apologised to me for raging which i said it was okay then so ya . After which we went to the shop to find vina for supper . Since she isnt done yet so we walked around the vicinity where he hugged me as we walk and all which i really liked and i guess it makes up for the rage in the evening ?

Then was sweechoon which dont really need much explanation but from sweechoon to yishun was interesting . Cos i was really tired and my feet was hurting like mad , the moment i got on the car i just wanted to sleep . So he offered me his shoulders .

The uncle ask if we are couple . i didnt hear what Jiaen’s reply was but i think he said yes and i didnt sleep the entire time just resting . So when we were bout to drop off at yishun , the uncle said to him again , “study hard and make sure you treat her well ok” Idk man but 2 random strangers saying the same thing to us , it just feels weird and coincidental . But well he already does treat me like princess and i’ve no complains la HAHA

So we went to sing k till the shop closes at 3 ? then we returned home . I guess it was a day well spent even with all the unhappiness going on . Actually as when i’m typing this , i just kind of had an thrash talk with him . Regarding yesterday’s incident and why he was so frustrated . Turned out he is not just frustrated with work but with me too because i tend to say something then say nothing nevermind . 

He feels like i keep cant say what i want to even though we have known each other for so long . but the truth is , it is really not that i dont trust him that why i dont say . But its because i’m extremely scared .

I used to speak my mind , but now i cant because i’ve grew to being scared that if i do that , i may say the wrong things and Jiaen would hate me . He would start pushing me away . So i think for a very long time before i say something and when i do , its because i really only had that moment of courage to say it . 

Sometimes when he dont catch it i dont want to repeated because i tell myself that the spilt second is my only chance to think if im going to regret those words . So i end up saying nothing instead . I never told him all of these because these are part of the personal barriers that i am trying to get over . And i dont know how am i supposed to share these barriers it without tearing . 

I couldn’t even type this entire part without tearing much less tell him face to face . And i really dont want to cry infront of him all the time . i make me feel like an attention seeking bitch that i dont want to be and i also feel bad that he has to take care of the messed up me which he shouldnt be . 

All these just forms part of the things i wish i had courage to say . There are tons of them , i tell him all the time . That i had alot of things to say to him but every time he asks me “what is it that you wanted to tell me” i fall silent every single time . i hate myself for being this coward and as much as im saying that i’m getting over this barrier , i know very well its not working . 

Sigh i wish i am braver . I wish i was a strong independent girl that maybe he would prefer . But i just end up being this pathetic being who is constantly insecure and feels like she’s never good enough . Why ,

9 April 2016 . 7:36pm

[csxnyx]

Blessed

Recording bits and pieces of my daily happenings in my life really proved to the best way to keep track of what’s going on in my life since memory has a tendency of failing people all the time .

So these few days has been one of my happiest times in the the year so far and here’s why . Went zouk on 26th Feb and during the rather drunken period i kind of like texted him and i’m really appreciative that he bothered to reply me . Little did i ever expect that the convo would continue.

On 28th i went to bishan to accompany patrine who was heartbroken and subsequently i asked him if he wants to eat supper . He said he was too lazy so the very random me actually went to buy him food and left it at his door . But he kept not replying which actually made me really worried for the food has been there for sometime .

But finally he received it and i was so relieved . Deep inside i was really afraid what if he scolds me for doing nonsense like these . But he didn’t and he really appreciates the effort and fear that i would be angry over him not picking up his phone . i guess the best thing about this entire thing is he promises me that he isn’t always angry and sometimes his temper is bad but he won’t do it again .

I know its nothing much but promises like these really made me feel very loved like someone actually cares enough to tell me things like these . It’s more than i can ever expect from people . Fast forward today , its special because its 29 Feb and its a leap day , 4 years once . 

So we were just casually talking until i asked him if he wanted to eat dinner and he tell me come to admiralty but since i needed to get bread we went over to causeway instead . after eating since i dont want to go home yet we decided to head to waterfront since i’ve never been there before .

1 . he said take 911 and after one gigantic round its the wrong bus 

2 . we took the right bus 856 this time but dropped at the wrong stop like 2 stops later .

So we had to walk back and while walking back , he hold on to my hand and we walked together . And he asked me alot of questions like why do i even like him and he asked me if why would i want to keep in this messed up situation like this . The truth is neither do i want to be in this messed up situation but i dont want a case where he is not even sure of his own feelings and he gets together with me . I’m scared if that happens i know he wouldn’t last . For the same reason that i want him to make sure he knows what he is getting into .

When we got to waterfront the view wasn’t that much of spectacular but it was more of the windiness that really made me feel like sleeping and made me feel really relaxed . He hugged me from the back and rested his chin on my shoulders when enjoying the breeze .

And i really liked how we are. At that moment i really wished we would stay there for a long long time in that manner and nothing between us would change . I finally told him what happened and why i acted like that i feel so pathetic but i actually cried . The memories still haunt me and i hate how much it affects me .

Moving on , since he’s been asking me where do i want to go since his intern is going to start on 28th and that he wouldn’t be able to accompany me anymore when his intern ends . 

I suggested spending the movie ticket since he wouldnt be around during june so might as well spent it now . But then the entire day for movie doesn’t sound that enticing either so i suggested going to the museum because i really wanted to go for a long time alr . Initially he said he don’t want to go but i couldn’t think of any other places to go thus we decided as such

Then i suggested going to malaysia for a day trip since i saw miaoning and cameron doing the same . He suggested staying overnight which was something i wanted to do but didn’t want to say but i didn’t intend to overnight in malaysia i wanted it to be in singapore will do .

But i guess i’ll have to think of something to do before the malaysia plan can be fufilled . And i really hope it will be . Since i wanted to watch hunger games , he said he will download it and watch it with me in the hotel which i’m ever so thankful for . 

When we were waiting for the bus , he asked me if i was happy today which i really am . idk if i’m just easy to satisfy or what but simple things brings me immerse amount of happiness . He told me that i’m very easy to chase after which i dont deny but i wish im not that easy . What’s girls without a little bit of challenge isn’t it . 

But really with things being the way they are today and with him holding my hand as we walk around , i’m already very thankful for his presence . I feel extremely blessed at the moment and i really hope it’d keep up this way . Maybe the buckets of tears over the countless of night are worth it . Maybe it all is .

But truth to be told , i’m also afraid . What if we get together and for whatever unforseenable reasons we break up . What will happen to us and the clique . I don’t want my closest clique to be dismantled really . It fears me to some extend but what alvina told me was true too , you receive what you radiate . If i constantly feel the fear then i’ll make others feel fearful too . 

Whatever it is , i don’t expect much , i just hope for things to always stay this positive all the time . And i really hope it all works out . May march be a great month may it be the month with lesser tears . 

1st March 2016 . 2:43AM

[csxnyx]

Tell me what you want

Hey . Actually it turns outs writing out everything was actually a really good idea . Especially writing about the moments that kept me really happy because i think overtimes as humans we tend to forget the tiny details even tho they mattered to us more than anything at the point in time . When i read back on my July posts , i realised that was when i was really happy , had my life sorted out , no romantic relationship then just text basis but it was still smooth sailing .

I miss all of that i’m not kidding . Its been a month plus since i updated because of exams . So i thought i’d use today as a cheat day to type before i get too busy again . So the last one month was nothing but bad .

22 Jan i was crying really badly but tbh it wasnt that big of a deal in the first place . but somehow everything crashed along and i cried badly . I met him at admiralty around 11 plus 12 ? and cried in his arms i remember throwing myself around him and lied on this chest and cried and cried .

He kept asking me what happened but i just didnt know what to say . i’m pretty sure i didnt remember wrongly but he picked my hands up and kissed them , twice . After i was more calmed down , he ask me alot of things again , i dont remember what the exact questions were but i know he ask me what if he doesn’t like me would i be sad ?

I vaguely remember saying that i wont be . It just not right to be sad you see . Just because someone doesn’t like me doesnt me i should be sad . He told me he likes me too and i replied him saying i dont think he does . I think he likes the feeling of someone liking him not the person itself . His lack of objections should actually prove that i’m right . 

After all seeing him chase after Jiajie , i dont think his actions for me were like , they were more of concern as a friend . I also vaguely remember him saying that we shouldn’t hold hands an all because we dont have a proper status . but the truth is i really liked him holding me . 

He asked me why ? is it because i’ll miss him if he goes . I told him to go away but really he did hit the nail . I do and i will if he leaves me . i don’t ever want him to do that but i do know that without a status ,i’m not supposed to feel sad or anything in that line . And i should be glad that he even stayed till today despite my clingyness .

I asked if he liked delia or jiajie still , he said delia is attached alr and for jiajie he doesnt any more . maybe somewhere somehow he realised that he wont have a chance with her or something but he doesnt chase anymore . It isnt that i don’t trust his words , i just feel like people wont usually give up something they persisted so long for . it just dont make sense . 

The entire night was alot of sobbing and questioning and i barely remembered alot of things . But i do remember telling him not to like me because he’d regret . But the ironic thing is what i’ve always prayed so hard for all these while was for us to get together . he’d tell me see how it goes , but i know its definitely not going anywhere . i know its not going to progress further but i just refuse to accept the reality . 

I sent him a long text after i went back and told him that if he finds me irritating he can tell me and i’ll leave him alone . I’ll try to text him lesser and all if that is what he wants . He replied me the next morning with one of the sweetest thing i’ve ever heard “Please dont do this , i really cherish you” It so nice of him and sweet but then again i think he is just flirting with me because he like the feeling of someone in love with him . 

After this i knew that everything was going downhill .

Even before this he always reject my offers to go out for dinner and library and even more easily after this . It came to the extend of me being really scared of asking anymore because everytime i do , he rejects . And i think i already know he’s going to say no . but something i me still says “try one more time” and get myself hurt .

It sucks to be me i guess . Start of feb , papa landed in hospital due to heart complications . on the second day i felt really crappy but i just didnt know how to say it . I simply told him , can we meet ? It was a thursday , he ends at 6pm on thursday . He told me he’ll stay for me since i can only leave after 7 . Trust me , he’s one of the few impatient people i’ve met , being late for a while will get me nagged at .

When he said he would wait for me , it felt really nice and warm inside . That was the only think that made me really happy . Bus home was normal but we didnt talk as much . This not talking as much thing actually really bothers me like how we have so much lesser to talk about after he came from OIP . I know in the past we’d talk about anything and everything , i dont know what changed but i’m pretty sure it’s OIP , our convo topics became lesser .

I’m comfortable with the silence between us , sometimes i’m not but its still okay . what i fear ? is he not being okay with the silence .

I told him about papa , and i really felt like crying because i felt so helpless and i cant go anything when he says he is in pain or he’s unable to rest or move anywhere . And eventually i cried in his arms again . It feels really nice to be protected by him when i cry in his arms . but i think for him , i’m probably more of a burden than a blessing .

Who am i kidding since when am i a blessing right . But anyway , he said he wasn’t free to accompany me eat but he asked me i needed him to send me home . Sometimes i really wish he would offer than ask , because if he ask i’d say no , simply because i know he has other stuff to do even though i really really want him to send me home more than anything . 

It cute and funny at the same time that every time we part at the interchange , we’d turn back and see where the other party went . Its like a tv scene but its so awkward sometimes i just turn back .  After parted that day , i never saw for the next 1 week plus until monday where he asked me if i wanted to eat dinner on his own accord .

I swear things like this makes me way happier than it actually seem like . But before that during the cny period , i think he i really annoyed him too much and pearlyn say to leave him alone . I feel extremely terrible that i’m bothering him all the time . But how do i tell him that i’ve been trying really hard to cope with my emotional baggage of being emotionally abused all these while .

 I’ve been trying really hard to get over it but its so hard . I feel scared to tell anyone to let them help me , and i’ve been trying to do this on my own . All the things i do seem unreasonable but the background reason is this .

I wish i had more courage to tell to Jiaen about this so that maybe he could help me and because i sincerely feels that he has the rights to understand since he has been putting up with my temperamental behaviour all these while . When i briefly told him , i actually doubt he cares . And the sometimes-i-care sometime-i-dont attitude of his really bothers me alot .

As humans , when we share things , we grow to expect sense of empathy from people . When people portray the sometimes i dont care attitude , it really affects the relationship because instead of sharing problems , you’d feel like you’re burdening them instead and that leads to more withdrawal in the things said .

Sometimes i really don’t know what he’s thinking or what he wants . He just seems like he hates me alot but at the same time not . I want to know does he really dislike me , if he does i would jolly well leave him alone. But everytime i asked , he always say no . and its so ironic because his actions and words are 2 different entity .

Truth to be told , i really miss how we were in the past . When asking him out poses no obstructions , when i’m not scared to see him say no , when texting him was a norm that i did not realise . When texts from him makes me happy and frequent as compared to now when text from him are extremely rare and they always end so abruptly . So sad how things came to the way they were , its not even a year . 

I admit , its been 2 months since chirstmas and most of the messed up issues actually arises when he asked me if i liked him . Idk if that was the turning factor , if it is idk if he actually regrets asking me . But if it was me , i’d regret . Things may not have turned this way if he never asked but it also means i’ll never get to feel the warmth from him all these time when i’m having emotional breakdowns but at the same time what only gets more frequent is the stress of having to overcome my emotional baggage . 

There’s really so much that i want to tell him and i wish i had guts so say . Sometimes i wish he’s be able to read this spot to understand what i’m really feeling and see all the things that i’m too afraid to say . But at the same time because they are my deepest thoughts , i actually fear that if he sees all these i’m essentially embarrassing myself . 

“Let’s see how it goes” will probably never work out as i know of . For the same reason , i don’t want him to force himself to like me because of guilt because its just not genuine anymore . But at the same time i really wish and hope and pray we actually progress further . 

It takes 2 hands to clap . I know we wont get awkward if we dont progress but the thought of not is actually really depressing because we’ve came so far and did so much nonsense , its really saddening to let it all just go . But if it really just liquidate itself , i guess i can still say that i’m extremely thankful for him for teaching my so much and giving me the warmth that i’ve been looking for since the longest time . 

Thank you for treating me like a princess and making me feel really loved even if you never intentionally wanted to . I really dont know when would be the time when i would actually be able to tell him everything without restraining myself but here’s to the things i’ll never have chance to say . 

20 February  2016 . 3:11 am

[csxnyx]

“You deserve better”

i figured if i didn't write this today  next week after submission would be an pretty hectic week too and i wont have time again and this would be delayed . So i shall just update quickly starting from the bali trip .

Bali trip was all well to be honest . Except this . Vina said that they know and feel that there’s a gap between me and Jiaen but its just pretty unexplainable. And i feel it too tho i don’t know how is it for him . But moving on , there was an incident in the airport before we flew that kind of just shattered me . 

Being deaf also blessed me with other better senses , like sight tho i’m myopic . But i can pretty much see . Surprise surprise 3:40 am , guess what i saw . He was texting Delia . Not just texting i’m talking about instantaneous replies that maybe i’ll never get .

It’s not about the speed of replies that made me upset . It more of the fact that this girl stayed up till 3 plus am to talk to you or even wish you bon voyage . I honestly don’t think she’s just a normal friend anymore tbh . Because normal friends don’t do that . Not that i know of . And it really bothered me quite a bit . 

Days after days i just let it slide off. But now , it does confirm my claims that they are on texting terms ? Maybe even constantly updating her with his life . and no that is not okay . Not with me at least but i just gotta try to stay with it cant i ? Despite all these , the flight back from bali was a pretty sweet one . 

With our missing luggage story and all that i shall not elaborate , we ended up sitting nearing the back to the plane . Okay no , we were indeed at the back to of the plane . Sometimes when i’m tired and on the way back like on bus and all , i’d lie down on his shoulders that are surprisingly really comfortable and i’ll hold on to his arm because i can’t apparently do without a support , i’d feel damn insecure .

Usually he’d let my hand slide , but that day for some reason , he interlocked with my hand and held it throughout . Which to me it was rather sweet . Been a long long time since i actually had someone holding my hand like that . Years in fact . When there was a turbulence which i jumped up and he asked me “You’re scared ah”

Truth to be told , i wasn’t scared just surprised . But it’s easier to say yes than explain no . So i said yes and he opened up his arms and let me lie on his chest . Which was kind of sweet imo . He continued to hold my hand which inside me i was like awww . But all nice things don’t last . If there’s anything i don’t like is how after he does so much , he just acts like nothing happened at all .

That’s on the plane ride , in recent date , like 14 Jan which is technically yesterday , i got to lie on his shoulders after we went for dinner and otw home . And again he did the same thing and all but this time he kept asking me questions .

He asked me if he’s shoulders are the only i lied on . So i told him if you exclude Jingwei then yeah . So he asked me is it that i only lie on the shoulders of guys whom i like . I just told him its cos we’re close enough then you’ll lie otherwise it’d be weird isnt it ?

Him being half convinced continued to ask me things like if i still like him and why . and honestly idk how to reply to his why so i told him to stop asking me why . Then he told me how he’s not worth me putting in so much effort on , and i said i treat everyone nice too but well we all know it’s not that true . And he knows . He said he don’t treat me that well either and he is not worth it . 

Being unable to answer him , i just smiled because to me , i think he is , worth every single bit of effort . Beauty is in the eye of the beholder right ? And i told him how he feels that he don’t treat me that well but it was honestly the best i’ve ever been treated . My past relationship was a series of mess ups that i don’t want to be reminded of , but honestly if Jiaen feels that he treated me like crap , i think i must have been treated worse than dirt then . 

When we got back to woodlands we told me he was sorry . Which i pulled him back and ask him why he tells me so . He said sorry for asking all those question . Long story cut short , after that we kind of just went separate ways and since we’re supposed to go shoe shopping the next day , the only logic thing to say is see you tomorrow right . 

That where the issue comes . After CM tutorial which ended early , he texted me telling me he would be going with his friend instead . And at that moment , i seriously just crashed and it left me being moodless for anything the entire day . The trip to town was my only get away this entire week after all the submissions and report and it’s my only break before the next week of hell starts and there and then, cancelled .

Obviously i wasn’t happy and i really wanted to cry badly . I swear i was so distracted by this the entire day , i really screwed every single thing i was doing today . I didn’t even have feel to go for lecture and for the first time , i just skipped lecture without thinking . At around 2 i called him if he is still in town and yes he was . 

At this point , i knew something wasn’t right 3 hours in town and you’re telling me you are not done . If it was 2 boys shopping i’d be so weird . There’s definitely a girl and it just hits me that Delia is probably there . Knowing this , i crashed even further .

I was really wanted to head to town . But we all know , town is really big . From somerset to orchard and back i walked twice at least and being without food the entire day , i was dying . Until he called and said he was coming over to find me . 

Being hungry and upset about this thing still obviously i wasn’t in the right mood . And i just didn’t want to talk . Because i was so afriad i would just break down . He being smart as well , knew something was wrong so he kept asking me why  and all i told him was , “i’m hungry” . 

I got scolded by him saying how i always refuse to eat and if i like to starve so much be it . But then dont eat always complain and blame people for it . And that’s it that was the last straw . I’m already hungry and not in the mood i really don’t have the mood to listen to him lecturing . And i snapped at him saying since when did i even blame people for it . It’s my problem and so be it and if i die then okay cool who cares .

And after that i just refused to look at him or talk to him because i was just so close to crying . I cry in 3 situations . 1, when i’m really angry . 2, when i am really conflicted and troubled and don’t have a solution . 3, when im stressed . At this point in time, i’m obviously in cat 1 . There was just so much running through my head i don’t even know what to say . 

He realised i was angry too , so he apologised . He said sorry twice and kept asking me what’s wrong . What happen and me being me , i told him no there’s nothing . “When ever you say nothing means confirm there’s something one” , walao like our times the movie right but yes its true , i just didn't want to talk about the whole him pangsehing part and all i said was i’m just hungry . 

My mood did get better after food though and having nowhere to go since it was raining we decided to go to ion sky to chill abit while waiting for the rain to stop . The entire time was really quiet and he passed me a stick of cookie his friend brought from japan .But  I swear if i find out its from Delia i’d flip.

I told him about the different landmarks we can see from there and that i know of . But overall the situation was just rather awkward probably because i snapped at him earlier. Then we walked to somerset so that i can find my stuff and realising that we cant find , again we had nowhere to go . 

I told him i didnt want to go back to early cos it will mean doing work and i really needed a break from all the work . So we wanted to watch a movie but cine didnt have the right timing so we walked to shaw . And half way through walking , my leg suddenly cramped and it never happened before . I would have died i swear . 

But because of the cramp , he held my hands and walk . Which was weird cos i don’t know if he wanted or didn’t wanted to hold . He’s hold awhile and withdraw and tighten and the cycle repeats until we reached shaw . Fast forward the movie was rather bad though .

Fast forward even more we bussed back and ate at the new bukit panjang food centre . Then made our way back . Walking to bus stop i was really thinking about how the day went passed today . and the more i thought of , the more apologetic i felt . I just felt like i was being really irritating throughout , first was about food then was about movie and then my leg and all .

I just felt like im this burden he needs to look out for and i feel bad . He knew i was thinking about stuff and he asked me what’s wrong . I apologised to him and told him im sorry for being the irritating me that i was . and he told me i’m not which im pretty sure he was just making me feel better about myself . 

I lied on his shoulder and he offered me his hand to grab while he held my hand . And he told me , “If you want me to like you, you have to stop being like that all the time you know” and my heart dropped . I don’t want him to like me . If he likes me naturally , its nice but if he doesn’t that means he’s forcing himself to like me and no i don’t want that .

Firstly , forcing himself isnt going to reap any outcome . Secondly , it just isnt genuine anymore . So he just said let’s see how it goes . I told him that don’t ever like me no matter what you do , you’ll regret and i’m really not worth it . Plus he deserves someone else better than me and he told me the same thing “You deserve better”

Basically the entire journey home was just me being sad cos of all the over thinking and he keeps telling me that i don’t have to care about what he thinks so long as i’m happy . But the thing is , i’ll never be happy if i never took people’s feelings into considerations . Because to me , other before self is really important . He keeps telling me how night always end of with me being sad because of him and he doesn’t want that .

But how am i supposed to tell him that you’re only part of the reason for so and the reason behind it was about how messed up my entire life is that i have been trying to figure but without avail ? 

He sent me home afterwards and the entire time we walked , the journey was just really silent and awkward . He didn’t talk i didn’t talk . Which really hit me like , did we really ran out of topic to talk about so badly we are reduced to this ? If it’s so we can never be in a relationship can we ?

When we reached my void deck , he gave me a hug before i left . and when i was about to leave , he hugged me again and told me that everything would be fine . I’ve no idea how fine will it be , because to me it just seem like it will never be , seeing how messed up my life has been . I pray everyday for a better tomorrow but how are the chances of it coming true right . 

So yes . It was a bad start and maybe not a great ending but at least the nice warm hug really improved alot of things , for me at least . Sometimes you just need nice hug to end a bad day you see . I really don’t know how things would go on from here . Every time i leave i really am scared that that’s the last time things will be for us, the fear gets so strong that i don’t want the time we spend together to end .

The fact that he doesnt like me really doesn’t help in this situation and i don’t expect him to like me , and just because he doesn’t like me and might never will doesnt mean that its the end of my world right . Yes i’ll be hanging there for god knows how long but its better than pressuring you to like me . 

I’ve been through so much before and i’ve never realised how things has impacted me so much till today . Those habits of saying sorry , fear of being alone , fear of even expressing how i feel because it may turn into something worse , feeling of not being enough. I never realised that these things never go away they are they just in the abyss of my mind .

 I’ve honestly no idea how things would go on from here . Would we progress into being a couple or would we just break things off and become awkward for a long long time . Because i’m pretty sure if it was the latter , we wont even be friends anymore . I told him that even though he feels that he didnt really treat me very nice at all , but it was the nicest i’ve been treated with , so why not he stop being so nice to me , maybe i’ll stop liking him too .

and he told me that if i stop becoming his friend , maybe he’ll do that . So i told him , if he would want that , i’d get away immediately . I don’t know if i’ll ever stop feeling this way i mean , i too hope things’d get better but at the same time i know its hard . 

With so much insecurities of mine and so many obstacles, its scary l But till then , i can only stay this confused and wait for time to tell me what to do .

16 January 2016 . 4:21am

[csxnyx]

Messed up,

Hey . I’ve an 8am class tomorrow morning but i figured if i didn’t do this post today i’ll probably not have time any time soon to post anything . Let’s see how much i’m able to type today before 3:30 which is roughly an hour from now. If i don’t finish maybe i’ll come back and type next week after treasury submission. Here it goes . 

So i was really feeling the definition of messed up lately. And when i mean messed up, this time i really meant messed up big time. Christmas eve . Initially i was really happy and all that i’m not going to be alone this year . Not that i wasn’t happy but things just happen and i don’t know what to feel anymore . Let me briefly recap the day .

So we met up and all at town and went down to town for a movie. Point break was okay but its like at the end of the movie you just dont very much get the plot . idk whats the point but ya . He lend me his outerwear to cover myself which was pretty sweet of him .

 And the surprise thing, the day before i told him to wear something nicer so that we take photos. But he told me he was lazy . so i told him what to wear so he doesn’t have to think tomorrow . i honestly didn’t thought he would follow what i told him to wear though because usually he’d jokingly tell me, “don’t tell me how to lead my life” but then when he really appeared in exactly what i told him to wear i was like oh woah . 

So yes luckily i dressed for that day too . After that we went for dinner at supply and demand which was average . Then we proceeded to GBTB . The crowd was packed af and we had to squeeze thru the suspension bridge . So while making our way thru , he’d lie on me then i’ll ask him if he’s tired and all but he’d tell me no . 

GBTB lights was immensely beautiful tho he said “those are just lights” but ya know , i really like the light because 1, they are colourful and i got a thing for colourful lights/night lights. 2, because of my fear of the dark, lights are a significant thing to me. when we tried to get our way into the snow dome , i pulled his hand along . 

HAHA it think i quite zu dong which i shouldn’t be , i think it was already a really big hint to say, hold my hand , because throughout the day i’d hold on to him . Idk i think in made it pretty obvious, but he didn’t so i figured out okay that’s it the clear answer is no. but its okay i mean its not an issue . So we went around because i wanted to take photos (i brought my DSLR whoop) 

Throughout he just kept saying he wanted to nua which i understood why because he had a busy week before that and he havent really got his rest day and christmas eve was finally like his rest day yet i asked him out to see the lights with me . So yeah all is cool though . So after walking for an hour or two we decided to sit down by the lake .

So we were just causally chilling talking about stuff and telling him about the different kind of skirts . random topic and awkward pauses here and there until he finally ask me something that made my heart sink instantly. 

“Do you like me”

At that moment, i wear my heart seriously dropped and my mind was in a mess like suddenly and level 5 hurricane sweep through . I dont know what to say . 2 things were going on in my head . 

1 . Say yes . Because i thought of what happened between vina and jingwei , i thought of how vina told me there were times she wanted to tell him she liked him , but never got the guts to . and things happen and they were what could have been but never happened . i don’t want to end up like her . 

2 . Say no . What if because i admitted , we became awkward ? What if he would avoid me because i liked him . What if he secretly hated me annoying him all these while . there was a lot of what if going in my head and telling me that not admitting was probably better .

But despite all these stuff in my head the only stuff i can bring to say is .

“I dont know” 

Vina said he was the confused one , and he’s making me confused . But i know i’m equally confused without him in the picture . I told him , sometimes he treats me really well , and i really like it , it feels nice to be protected around him . But at the same time sometimes his don’t care attitude irritates me more than it should had . 

He went on to ask me why did i not consider Darren , which i told him no cos i can’t really communicate that well , maybe he feels he can tell me stuff but i dont think i can do the same to him . He ask my why not bingz , bingz is like his senpai (in the field of rs) and again i told him i cant cos bingz has this dont bother too much about stuff attitude which sometimes i cant accept either . 

He smiled . I told him , “i told you i dont know because i know im confused because your actions are confusing and i dont know if i really like you or do i like being protected by you.” Actually i adapted that off a lyric but it turns out being quite fitting to this context which is hmm . 

“Wah damn deep” and he smiled again .

In my mind , i was really like cb you keep smiling is cos you like me saying all these cos its like praising you or is it cos you are hearing an answer that you wanted to . He said that what bingchen said was true , you can really feel it when some one likes you because bingchen did say that he felt debbie liking him that time . 

Then we just kinda kept silent for a while before we decided to move off . I wished i had more courage to ask him if he liked me too , but i kinda figured out that i’ll be pretty broken , like as if im already not am in a messed up situation when he asked me . And if he tell me no , not i’ll be broken , i’ll probably ruin every other situation from now . 

After which we just walked to MBS to get some water . tbh what made me upset after that wasn’t the fact that he didn’t say he like me . Its cool if the feelings weren’t mutual seriously . But it was the fact that the gap of awkwardness , maybe not awkwardness just this gap existed almost immediately which i never hoped would have happened and it was also what i feared the most from the start . 

Subsequently we trained back home and as usual i got to lie on his shoulders while he lie back on . His shoulders are pretty comfortable enough to make me fall asleep tho . When we got back , he ask me if i needed him to send me home . But looking at the time then , i thought i would probably have been better if he went home because i know he was tired plus if he sent me home he probably wont have bus back .

But deep inside , i really wanted him to send me home , i really wanted to spend more time with him . And sometimes you just want people to tell you they appreciate what you did for them . But that sometimes never come , its it gets sad la to be honest .

I got him a christmas present to which until today i dont dare to ask him if he likes it because i’m kinda afraid he’ll say no and i’ve no idea if i brought the right book . But maybe i brought the wrong book just he doesnt want to say . After a while i just kinda figured out that its better i didnt ask .

The next few days , the fact that he asked me if i liked him actually bothered me very much . Because i really fear he’ll hate me or we became awkward . I already felt the awkward presence that was unexplainable then , and it worries me how our friendship would go on from there . 

Thinking back now , i kind of wished i got more guts to ask , but i also know the current me will hate me for asking if things were to go wrong . But honestly it sucks to not know anything either . Because you keep guessing and guessing and you just dont know what he thinks what he feels and all . It sucks yes it does . 

I think i’ll leave the bali trip for the next entry . Its going to be rather long so i think i shall schedule it for next week . Really wish this dilemma would go away , wouldn’t it have been simpler if he told me how he felt right ? But i guess so long as i never have enough guts to ask , i’ll never find out . Till then ,

12 January 2016 . 3:15 am . 

[csxnyx]

I wish i knew,

Hey yo . HAHA with all honestly i am supposed to be studying now looking at how exams are just next week but i too know that if i don’t type things that i want to say out, i’d forget them and that’s equally bad . Seeing how today was project submission , i’m going to cut myself some slack and type so yay ! 

Quick update , illumi run was about 2 weeks ago and i thought i’d do a short update . Tho i try my best to remember all that i can but i’m pretty sure my memory will fail me . So that day we meet then lunched and all and proceed to promenade MRT . This first part isn’t really that interesting so i shall just skim through .

Since we are way earlier than reporting time , we walked around the area but its honestly boring as hell . Then we pass by this “pond” . I won’t even consider it as a pond given the shallowness  of the water . But ya its a quite a big pond and who thought it’d be a good idea to walk in the water HAHAHAHA

I would have joined in if not for the phone call from Vina telling me she don’t want to volunteer anymore cos the place is just not for them and they feel so out . But well . So yes , Jiaen and i just proceeded to the venue since there’s nothing much to do but even at then we are like 2 hours earlier than the reporting time ??

So when we got there we are more or less the earliest people given that there are others who are actually even earlier . To be honest , we didn’t really talk because i just couldn’t think of what to talk to him about . Sigh . Sometimes i feel like i bore the hell out of him with me not talking .But sometimes i don’t really know what to say . 

I don’t know is it because we see each other so often last time we don’t have things to say now . Or is it because , we just ran out of topics ? Running out of topics is really such a horrible thing , because it just means that’s the end . But for the entire time , he just keeps walking around and its so weird because i don’t know if i’m supposed to follow him or am i supposed to stand there .

The walking around thing is really common nowadays when we go out together . Which leaves me pretty confused but hopefully it gets better lah . So ya we walked around deposit bags etc etc .Then we decided to get ourselves sprayed with paint so that we can take photo. When we took photo, he placed his hands over my waist which i really really really like it.

I think i never mentioned this before. But i really like it when people actually hold me at my waist . So yes the photos turned out really nice cos my legs look nice but that’s the only thing about it . Probably because of the placing on my hand , i kind of looked like i am taller and its only that photo sigh. 

If that didn’t happen i swear i would have posted that photo cos that the only photo i feel that  look the nicest in . After which the pre-party started . I couldn’t get myself hyped up because i just don’t feel the energy you see . But even so , they crowd was pretty high and it was quite a lot of people .

If there is anything that i am really grateful for is that Jiaen has always looked out for me and made sure i got to go in front to get a really good view . After the pre-party they were about to start the race . So while trying to get out oh wow surprise surprise we saw Timothy and Bryce from his clique .

Half of me was kind of excited because yay it now looks like a triple date . But then another part of me just kind of sian . I’ve always saw how he just suddenly becomes much shyer to do anything whenever his friends appear . Even if we were walking out or anything , he would want to try his best to avoid them . That , was also how i realised that he probably doesn’t like me because if guys really do , they won’t be afraid to show it . Like , what’s holding you back right ?

The entire situation was rather messy then because the crowd control was really bad and no one had any idea how to get into the start zone and all . But thanks to Timothy’s height we were able to find out where the entrance to the start zone was . So yes that’s the official start to the race !

After that it got kind of awkward because both boys came with their girlfriends you see . So they were all lovely dovey holding hands and hugging and all and we’re like the only 2 who aren’t a thing so we can’t do anything of the above . And to make things worse i don’t really have things to say other than “This is cool”  or “omg the UV light !!” 

So yes its kind of pathetic . But while all the walks , i managed to take photos and we took a few together . The thing about Jiaen is , i don’t understand why he just gives people mixed signals all the time . When we took selfies in the pits , he can just stand next to me but instead of just doing so , he always places his hand on my waist . Which made me really happy but then again confused . 

If you don’t like me you don’t have to do all that right ? But the thing is not just photos , he would place his hand on my back and try too guide me everywhere . Which really make me screaming inside like omg so cute lah you !! But at the same time make me feel like , if you don’t really like me please don’t do this cos you’re just making me fall harder with you having no intention to catch me .

So half way through , either he sensed my awkwardness or he really just wanted to take photos with me at the lepak corner , he suggested to his friends we split from them and maybe see them later . A part of me was really happy cos like oh dear finally we can have some alone time . The lepak corner was really pretty and breezy though . And you can see an amazing view of Singapore’s skyline .

So we stood there for while and took photos but the photos ain’t all the great given that both our phone suck at taking photos in the dark and the place is not as brightly lit . But it was great to take photos and all and enjoy the view before we continued the trail . We walked all the way until when we were nearing the end he suggested we sit at the stone areas of kallang river to chill awhile before going back. 

Honestly , i really like chilling somewhere with people i feel comfortable with to enjoy the view and all . So we sat there for sometime while the clubbing thing was going on behind us . I don’t remember what we talked about anymore but i know i really wanted to lie on his shoulder if it wasn’t for the paint there . Nothing is better than lying on someone you like and enjoying the view together not kidding .  

So we continued walking to the end and join in the after party which was not to bad . But before that , because he only ate lunch and we haven’t eat dinner we decided to buy an freaking overpriced kebab to fill ourselves and get some beer since we wanted to club . But well what can 1 cup of beer do right seriously . After the drunk incident , i’m really afraid of seeing him drink beer though . 

Back to my story . So we joined the crowd for after party afterwards . By then i was much higher and i could feel like clubbing atmosphere which allowed me to blend in . But i don’t really like how when its at the climax of the song is like all hyped then the song just goes back to normal like just like oh ya HAHA . i feel like the songs could be like an ongoing kind of thing . But that’s just my view lah . 

When we were going to get out because we wanted to walk elsewhere to chill a while since it was rather stuffy among the crowd . Turned around and realised Timothy and Fiona was behind us and we didn’t realise . They suggested photo taking with Bryce and his girlfriend , Natalie if i’m not wrong . So we did . Managed to take photos but due to the phone (again) the quality is really crappy .

Sigh . How i wish i have an iphone 6 or my DSLR at that moment . Cos those are the only few times we can hangout like that but we don’t have photos for keepsake . It’s really sad to think about it . After that the situation repeated itself once again where everyone is in their pair and i’m just there like oh dear me . 

Jiaen wanted to try to see if the forklift would work but HAHA no matter how great a engineer you are the thing just wouldn’t work without the usage of a key HAHA . After that when the entire thing ended we went to collect our bags . Oh yes i need to say this , Rave Republic was bomb . They were so good i kept humming to all the songs afterwards . 10/10 would head to zouk or any clubbing event for another experience . 

But anyway , after the end of illumi , we headed to sweechoon for supper with Vina and Jiahui . Sweechoon food was just normal but the company made it all great . Who the hell orders 8 cups of soya milk for the entire table right . Despite the long lines outside we hogged the seats for 2 hours laughing at a lot of weird things . 

After food we went to shop at mustafa . until around 4am . I heard its Singaporean’s bucket list to actually go shopping at mustafa at midnight and i’m so glad that i am able to do it with the people i love most . But the downside was that i was really tired and was pretty cranky most of the time . I guess this crankiness thing needs to change or its just going to come off as annoying . 

So after that we cabbed home to me realising that my mum is not back yet !! No wonder she didn’t call me up the entire day . So yes that’s basically about ti for the entire day . I honestly preferred the USS date . Maybe not because of the more touchy things but i feel in general , it was less awkward between us then then today . 

Looking though i feel like even thou my entire May to August period was filled with problems in school , those were really happier times i got to spend with you . I miss how topics just come to us naturally when i see you for dinner and all and we would always have stuff to talk about . For example our recent dinner at btp for bak kut teh . 

For the entire time i just felt like he was really bored with me because i didn’t really talk much . But its because i didn’t want to bore him with my life and all since its been largely uninteresting and i wouldn’t want to risk getting “scolded” by him though . Sigh . This feels so right but so wrong at the same time . 

Sometimes i really wonder if he likes me and i secretly pray that he does . That i’m not falling into this alone . But what are the chances . i realised lately m that Jiajie’s name wasn’t on the top of the chat list anymore . Which leads me to wonder , for how long did y’all stop talking for . Does not speaking means you still like her ? Sometimes how i wish you’d tell me you gotten over her . I would feel so much relieved .

But then again , even know i know Delia is just a friend , i can’t help but to think about the possibilities of him liking her especially after he said how much of a wife material Delia is on the day of danzation . I may never be as good as she is , may never be half a pretty or popular amongst the guys but i doubt me telling you that i can do at least half of more of the things she is able to won’t make me “wife material”

Which is kind of depressing , because it then proves my point time and time again how doing my best isn’t good enough . And to make things worse , doing my best for the people i love , but will never be close to getting their attention on me . Some nights i wish that this thing is not a one sided thing , that maybe you’ll like me too . At much as i’m hoping for everything to turn out well , i too know my chances are slim . Why am i even keeping the faith for sigh . 

I think its weird but then every time you smile i have this tendency to just look at you and tell myself how cute you are . Especially when you smile . I know one day when i finally get over you i’ll laugh and say oh dear i was so dumb but then again , why even think about the future when i can’t get my life together right now right ?

Sometimes i tell myself i should be a little more courageous and tell you i like you . I don’t want to be like Vina missing her chance of being with Jingwei because of fear . I don’t know what is holding me back , maybe the fear of awkwardness , but i don’t think i’ll ever have enough guts . Which is sad because till not anytime near now , we’ll never amount to anything . 

Maybe someday i’ll have enough courage to tell you . Maybe i’ll keep waiting for the day when either you are drunk again and take the opportunity to tell you everything . Maybe then , drunk words are actually sober thought . Maybe then you’ll tell me your drunk words were true as well . How i wish they were sometimes . Like how you asked me to be your girlfriend and tell me you love me , embrace all my insecurities . 

Maybe just maybe , we’ll work out . All these hopeless wishes and posts may never get me anywhere but i’m glad at least i wrote them down and maybe one day he’ll understand .

 “不要对我太好，我会把你当真” 

09 December 2015 . 3:11am 

[csxnyx]

Rule 1 : Never fall first

Hello ! Initially i had already typed out the entire post once but the laptop was fucked up , my entire post was deleted entirely . So this means i have to retype and trust me , its not fun to do so . 1 hour plus worth of effort . Sigh . What fears me isnt about me taking off time to type this out again but more like that i am unable to type out what i wanted to convey .

So USS trip on the 16th of October . Arranged to meet Jiaen at 10 am but he woke up at 10 am instead which was very much expected for him . But its okay , so we met up at causeway and took a bus ! Happy thing number one he said i smelt really nice and its prolly because of my shampoo . Moving on , I’m not kidding when i say that i miss him , 35 days of not seeing him i really had so much to update him about . But the first thing i had to let him know about was the pearlyn issue .

The issue was rather complex but its all fine . But i could always sense that pearlyn has something for Jiaen , even if it was a tiny bit , i just somehow knew it was there . So after telling him about it , i asked him “What if pearlyn really liked you?” He went on to deny saying that it will never happen because they are just very different in terms of characters . But i continued pestering him anyway , asking him to tell me about what happens if it really happens .

He told me if its true , he would just leave it as it is , but he highly doubt so because he feels that they were never that close , plus they are incompatible . Which leads me to wonder , what if the question was “What if i like you” Would he have reacted the same way , saying we are impossible ? Or would the reaction be telling me that he actually liked me too . But that’s pretty much not realistic given that i feel and think he still likes Jiajie . 

But all i actually hoped for is that if one day someone or myself raised that question , i wouldn’t be rejected flat and everything goes on as per normal even if he didn’t like me . The last thing i ever wanted was us to be awkward isnt it ? After which he continued talking about his China trip . I really love it when he talks about things that interests him like planes and all because he speaks with so much enthusiasm and i really like it even though i have no explanation for it . 

So the bus journey continued and we arrived at Harbourfront , we were really hungry . That 10 mins of dilemma of whether we should eat first before going always happens . Eventually we didn’t and walked ourselves into Sentosa and finally USS ! initially we planned to take cylon so we placed all our bags into the lockers but subsequently we realised that there was too much people . 70 freaking minutes we should do something else and come back later . 

So we wanted to walk over to Jurassic park to take the canopy flyer first but since we passed by the mummy ride and the waiting time was only 15 mins , i pulled him along to to mummy ride first . That was also the first time i disclosed that i’m actually really fearful of the dark and really fearful of bugs . When walking in , the path is extremely dark and i had to constantly feel the wall to move in . 

A part of me fear being seen as clingy and i really didn’t want to be the one taking initiative all the time . Although i have always been the one doing so . So i rather hold the wall then him but he was really attentive he kept his watch on me all the time to make sure i didn’t trip and kept close behind him . 

When it’s finally our turn we requested for the first row and the staff was nice enough . Been a long time since i actually sat on roller coasters plus its the first time with Jiaen . I didn’t know if i should shout so the dumb me covered my mouth . But when i saw Jiaen shouting for fun , i realised i should do it too . After mummy ride , i wanted to take the new puss in boots ride . But when we got there the waiting time was 40 mins . For a kiddy ride , 40 mins was not worth the wait , thus we went to canopy flyer . 

So while queuing , he randomly asked me “Did i really kissed you when i was drunk ?” So i told him “Yeah you did , but on the cheeks only though . What’s with the random question? You did a lot of drunk things that you have no idea too” So being the typical Jiaen , he kept pestering me to tell him about the thing he did when he was drunk . Being the typical me , i refused to tell him but our conversation went like :

“Tell me what else did i do when i was drunk ?”

“No . I’m not going to say . I’m trying to save you”

“Tell me . I’ve the rights to know”

“Nope i’m not going to say . I’m trying to save you . If you knew you would commit suicide”

So this went on for sometime and every time i refused to tell him , he would point middle finger at me or playfully punch me . Eventually i gave up playing the guessing game with him . i asked him if he remembered what i told him about what Xianren told me . If he did then he would have gotten his answer . He thought for sometime and he finally recalled and he said he know it .

“So what did Xianren say ? Tell me”

“He said .. No this is very awkward how am i supposed to say it”

“Eh you very funny leh . If its awkward for you to say it , then what about me plus it happened to me hello ?”

“Okay fine . It is .. about your body right . Because i remember asking you if you felt assaulted”

“Yes it is . But you don’t know the details don’t you ?”

After a few more rounds of guessing i gave in and told him what happened that night and i told him , Xianren asked if he could touch me and he asked me the same question in the drunk night too . He asked me , what did i respond when he asked . In all honesty , i told him i didn’t even have time to respond to his question he already laid his hands . 

Upon hearing this , he immediately told me sorry and he said sorry so many times i felt really bad myself . Because from the start i didn’t want to say it because i knew he would blame himself . But i never blamed him . Why would i blame someone who is drunk and has no idea what he is doing , expecting him to take responsibility for his actions ? But to be honest , i find the way he says sorry to be really cute tho !! He chases to meet my gaze while trying to say sorry and at the same time acting coy . After that we went to puss in boots ride again .

And this time as expected , we abandoned it again because we haven’t sat on our main rides which is the 2 roller coasters . So we went over to queue for cylon . This time we didn’t talk much while queuing but he was really sweet . He’s put his hand on my back and gently guide me along while walking . Which is something that i really like , but never said . 

There came this part where i was sitting down on the steps because i was kinda tired and my legs hurts . He kept looking at me , but even though  knew i tried to look away cos can you imagine how awkward it will be if i look at him and he stares back at me . But i knew he was looking at me with this particular gaze that i can’t put it into words . Suddenly , he touched my nose .

Honestly when he did that i was fangirling inside like awww omg !!! So i looked up and give him a sheepish smile cos i don’t know how else i am supposed to react without showing that fangirling inside .There was also this instance i was leaning on the railing and i didn’t know he was standing behind me . and i was talking to him facing the exit . But when i turned i realised he was beside me and he told me my perfume very nice (AGAIN) fml omg double the fangirl .

This time when it was out turn the staff didn’t allowed us to choose our rows so we ended up being in the 3rd row but its okay we had fun anyway . After cylon , we wanted to walk to get some food but then realised that human was on 25 mins wait ! So i pulled his hands and went to take human . Throughout as walking around the entire day , our hands brushed many times and i kept silently hoping he would grab and hand and hold it but he didnt .

When we finished the human roller coaster , he said he wanted to eat ice cream . When we came into the park in the morning i told him about dipping dots ice cream and how it was my favourite . So for the entire day when we were traveling around he kept saying he wanted to eat ice cream but as far as i remember , because of his sensitive nose he couldn’t eat a lot so ice cream wasn’t his favourite . 

But when he kept saying , i genuinely thought he wanted to eat ice cream so i didn’t ask much . Much to my surprise he brought dipping dots and fed me . Fangirl moment number 2 !! Firstly cos it was my favourite ice cream and my favourite person (as of now lah) is feeding me . DO YOU FEEL MY JOY . So yes but after which we decided to go for the rapids ride . 

Since i have my poncho and he refused to wear cos he wanted to yolo , he was drenched but i’m just dry . Quite disappointed in the ride because it was no longer as exciting as it used to be . But its okay . When we finished , it was around 5 pm plus and since the park closes at 6 we need to consider what we really want to ride . So this time we went to puss in boots again for the 3rd time . 

Yes you guessed it right . We queued for a while and he asked me “do you want to queue for something more worth our time” then i was like “i don't mind” . He shot me a is-it look and “Shall we?” So yes we abandoned it the third time . Thinking of it the ride quite poor thing lah that we abandoned it 3 times . But truth is i really would want to take that ride if i have a chance to . But maybe that day wasn’t the day . 

So abandoning the ride , we went to queue for cylon again . And this time the queue was significantly shorter . Nothing much happened this time except for the constant guiding which i really liked and whenever i used my fingers to rub my eyes he’d ask me “Are you tired ?” And i would tell him its because of my contact lenses and he would smile at me and tell me its okay which is really sweet of him lah .

Lucky us ! Because the park is already closing , they did not allow people to choose rows but we were assigned tot he first row which was damn fortunate cos we have been dying to sit at the first row . And woah , first row at cylon is really the best i can’t even explain . If there’s a chance , take the first row any day . Scary as it is , but its really fun .

Forgot to mention this but there was one moment in the way when we were walking from one place to another and he pointed out that one of the girl in front of us has very nice legs , long and slim . Then he look back at me and he said “I thought you say your own legs very long also?” Fml i almost i wanted to laugh but i couldn’t it was so funny but awkward at the same time because we both looked down at our legs and look back at each other .

Back to the day , after cylon we got out of USS and thought about where to go and have dinner . So we decided to walk back to vivo and see what is there to eat but walking around and around we couldn’t find any . The last time Shane said Jamie Oliver’s was really nice so we went to look at the menu and woah its really pricey but there’s this thing about Jiaen during the entire day is that , he really likes to keep very close to me .

We went to see the directory to see what food there is and we realised there was Jack’s place there . So i casually commented that the last time i ate that was last year during my birthday and he asked me if i would like to have it this year again . I think that was really nice of him asking if he could bring me to eat again this year but i forgot what i told him tho . But back to story , finally we settled for Japanese . 

Him being sweet as always placed his hand on my waist as i turned around . When we got to the restaurant , we went to look at the menu again and because the menu was rather low we had to lean lower and the funny thing is when i leaned and rested on my elbow he did the same too !! So weird but cute at the same time . 

Dinner was great we literally ordered everything that seems good and yes every single dish was amazing . But so is the price . It was okay though since we didn’t eat lunch and have already agreed on having something good for dinner , $88.20 was decent . After meal i wanted to go around and look at wallet since i really needed a replacement . After Charles and Keith , we walked pass Pedro and i pulled him into the shop .

After which , we walked around and there was this shop called bebe . He keep saying bi , lets go bebe . and repeated it over and over again , i just kept laughing because i have no idea is he calling me bi or its just playing with the name of the shop . So i kept saying that he’s damn lame . Smart him replied “Lame but you still laughed what” Fml i died . yes its lame and i still laughed not because its funny but cos you are and cos i like you lah fuck . 

Cos he has always wanted a flannel shirt so we went around shopping for it . But can’t find any until we walked into H&M Kids section . We literally went to try on everything . I swear i feel like his wife in there because i’m always helping him to button his shirt , folding his sleeve and finding all the sizes he needs . He ended up getting his flannel shirt and we both got a matching jacket.

“Should i buy this jacket !!”

“If you can wear and you like it then buy lah”

“But its the same as yours leh you don’t mind meh?”

“No lah ! We just don’t wear on the same day can already what”

“HAHA eh you very funny right . I’m going to wear this to library and you are always going library with me how to not wear on the same day?”

“Ya horh aiya never mind lah just get !”

So we got a matching jacket in the end . He paid for it but when i wanted to pay him back at the end of the day he refuse to accept it . But anyway , we went towards bus stop after all that shopping . Being the tired me , i lie down on this shoulders to catch some rest . Maybe its just me lah but i really liked lying on his shoulders . He’s caress my face lightly and hold my head when he knew the bus was going to break . 

Though i was half awake the entire time , but i know he rested back and slept because i can feel him nodding off from time to time . Note to self : bad decision to wake up suddenly cos you woke him up too . But when i woke up i grabbed his arm cos my hand are rather cold and he seems okay with it too . Walao he’s damn sweet lah go where find right !! 

When we got off the bus i was feeling kind of dizzy because contacts and sleep is just not a very good combination to start with . So i walk walking tipsy and he held me at my waist (melts 500 times) and he told me don’t wear contact lenses , its better . But i ignored him anyway . Because deep inside i was thinking about how insecure i am about my body and contacts are like the only thing makes me feel slightly confident . 

After which he sent me home despite not being able to walk properly i insisted on walking . I told him its because bus take very long and a lot of people but truth is , i wanted to walk because i wanted to spent more time with him . But it was a bad time anyway because my foot is hurting so bad cos of the blister . But all is well because we got to talk and he was really sweet and took care of me the entire day .

When i got home i was so exhausted that i took of contacts and lie on my sofa and started snapchatting . I sent him a selfie which is fucking shameless and told him thank you and that he was really sweet . Surprisingly he replied and again he told me sorry and we whatsapped instead . So i asked him if he regrets finding out about what he did ? He didn’t he felt that its better that he knew so that he won’t do it again . 

I’ve no idea where’s the logic in that since you pretty much can’t control yourself when you are drunk but whatever it is , there are plus and negatives to letting him know . So yes , i think i have pretty much documented what happened the entire day . In general i really enjoyed myself and felt really loved and taken cared of . So thank you . 

But it really felt me wondering . Do you like me thus doing all that you did ? Or did you do all that because you felt bad and wanted to make up for it , thus being so nice to me . Or was it because you were never serious , you did all you did because you were just trying to flirt with me ? I really want to ask you that but i never got a chance to because i didn’t get a chance to see you .

I told Vina what happened and she said you were probably just flirting with me . As long as you never admitted to liking me a single bit , i should never get my hopes up . I’ve learnt to shelter my heart for as long as i could but really , i also learnt that , even though guys and girls can never maintain a platonic relationship , the best way to save yourself is to never fall first .

First to fall breaks the hardest . I’m honestly fearful of what if you don’t like me , like to you i’m only just a friend but for me i have already fell in love with you . It scares me to think like that and at the same time it scares me to think about the future that may never have a chance to be together . Like what if we break , what if people don’t like us being together , what if everything . 

But what Vina told me is true , Law of Attraction . You attract whatever you radiate . If you radiate negativity for example now , when things have not even started , its going to only get worst . So back to my all time principle , “If you don’t want it to happen , don’t think about it” . I don’t know if “us” will ever happen but i hope it does . 

Oh dear me , you have no idea how a text from you changes things . Whenever a text from you comes in , a smile would flash on my face . Maybe it’s just me but i can still never get used to the text in the day reply in the night , only twice a day way of texting . It is so unpredictable when i should reply . Immediately and i’m afraid you’ll feel that i’m very anxious to talk to you . Slow but i’m afraid it will delay longer in the time you take to reply . 

Whatever it is , hope for the best but prepare for the worst . I know i shouldn’t expect anything but sighpie 

19 October 2015 . 12:40AM

[csxnyx]

Mind over matter

To be honest , i was never more happier than today knowing you’re back . I’ve been counting down every single day ever since the day you left to today . Putting ticks next to dates at the end of the day never brought me more joy than this

This sounds damn ironic but when you are finally back and talking to me , i feel the fear . We haven’t seen each other for 35 days . Will we still be as close as we are ? 35 days can really change alot of things .

Its so dumb because i  know that we would never have a chance together , no matter how much i wished or people say how compatible . I can sense things through what you type and i know I’m not the one you’ll ever like .

I can only dream and no matter how realistic it was in my dream i have to wake up eventually . And in the realistic world we are not together not even close . I’ve seen how angel speaks to you I’ve seen how everyone else does it . And i can never do the same .

Maybe thats why everyone loves people with A in their name . And i fear that since i can’t do the same , I’ll no longer be of any significance . I wish things would go back to the days where you would say “i give you my card you go draw money” or “lets go out for lunch together” .

Sadly it was always been me the one who is asking now . I feel pathetic doing it sometimes even . The amount of effort i have to put in to think of how to ask to see you . Infact every night i made it a point to stay up till 1 so that I’d be able to talk to you . Ridiculous isnt it .

Sighh . I wish i could tell you , “if you like me tell me i you dont tell me to so i can let go” but i know I’ll never have the guts to ever say that .

11 October 2015 . 1:30am 

[csxnyx]

For love imma give it all ,

HEY . I still remember how i was feeling sad and all about JiaEn being gone for 35 days . Look how fast it has been , 12 more days till he’s back . If there’s anything i regret is not being able to free up 13th to accompany him . Whatever it is , i still look forward to seeing the USS date on the 14th to come true . 

So Taiwan trip as been cancelled . I could have been in Taiwan right now sigh . Initially i thought these 6 days in Taiwan would be the easiest 6 days of the 35 days he’s gone . But it never happened . No doubt i feel really sad about it but i figured that there’s nothing that could have been done either . On the bright side Thailand might just be the escape I've been looking for .

These 24 days hasn’t been easy for me really . To get over it i even listed out every single day and strike out at the end of the day . Sometimes it gets so bad , striking out dates are the only thing i look forward to . (and maybe your texts) I’m so glad that throughout these 24 days we talk occasionally and they became the things that made me smile everyday .

Though at some point in time i got rather jealous at pearlyn but tried to hide it anyway . But overall i’m so glad . I sound like a hopeless bitch and bimbotic , but i honestly have so much to update him about . I think i’m ridiculous but , i really enjoy talking to him . 

I guess i’m back feeling how falling in love feels like . Problem ? He is not supposed to be the only i should be falling for . , i’m not the one he’ll like . Falling for you will only hurt myself and strain relationship in particular friendship . Like i already said , its a phobia developed from the last relationship of falling for someone in the same clique .

This feels so right but so wrong at the same time . Sometimes it really hits me about why he only reply me sometimes . Could it be that because JiaJie isn’t replying him thus that's why he texts me . And when she does , i am instantly cast aside ? I don’t want to be his back up choice but i know subtly i am becoming one .

I’ve came to the point i don’t think i can get myself out of this hole anymore . so instead try to conceal it . But knowing the fact that i suck at concealing feelings , i really think even if we do not drift off after he comes back from China , we will start being awkward . Sometimes it really sucks when you can predict what will happen .

Like there you are hoping he doesn’t see it , but knowing that he is so smart , he will . In the past 2 months or so , when i do not come to this space to talk about how i feel , i have always turned to dayre . Yes you don’t have the option to privatize your posts but because of the low population of users , its a nice platform to put out what you think . 

When he told me at the airport that morning he downloaded dayre , honestly i am half elated and half crushed . Elated because finally someone gets to see how i feel . Crushed because i need to watch what i say to not give the wrong messages . Sometimes when he texts me to ask me about certain things i know he got them off dayre .

Half of me goes like “aww you read my dayre” but half of me goes “WTF did i type anything too obviously lately” Such conflicting feelings shouldn’t be happening but i wonder why it is . I wished the things Vina told me are true and would come true . Every 11:11 i wish and pray for you , i know it might all be in vain , but at this moment you’re all i ever want .

This may just come of as being silly but whenever his name flashes on my screen , a smile flashes on my face simultaneously . I think i’ll never have the chance to talk to you or tell you about how much i enjoyed your company and missed you so . Let’s not even go into having chances , i wouldn’t even have the guts to do so . 

I hate myself for being that one person who only dared to miss silently but always tell people to be brave and face your fears . Being the one who give relationship advice but could barely save her own skin . Sometimes i feel so pathetic and vulnerable when it comes to you . I wish i wasn’t .

I wish for so much and hope for so much , have so much expectations and fears to the extend i have no idea what i really want . I hope things would change , we’d get closer but fear over runs everything . Seems like i can only continue being so helpless until you come back and till then , 11 more days as i type .

02 October 2015 . 12:51 AM

[csxnyx]

[csxnyx]

I know you'll probably never know or wouldn't care because i was never your first choice . But just so you know all your words , bits of concern it means so so much to me