ctchmyskull

[ctchmyskull]

Always clean my plate before I kill my

Always wash my face before I end it

Always soak my hands before

I burn my fingertips

[ctchmyskull]

God bless me

I could have it all

Got no money

Got plenty

I keep counting up

Make it count

Count it count it

She said Ramza

You could have it all

If you'd run a little farther

Holding onto nothing

Baby boy that's just trauma

[ctchmyskull]

I remember being a kid and washing my kitchen floor. We didnt have a mop and so I would sit on my hands and knees with a sponge and a butter knife, and clean every tile. My dad used to quote Annie and say "keep going til this place shines like the top of the Chrysler building!" I guess this never bothered me. Until I realized this was a product of some kind of overwhelming force in my fathers brain that made him go crazy once every few weeks. The other kids would be out playing in the streets and I was scratching away at the floor with a butter knife.

I am self conscious of my hair

As a kid I was gross and made fun of

I was poor. Maybe I still am

Sometimes I believe things go away

Until they come back and all you want is for a kid with a baseball bat to knock your fuckind head off

Home run!

A cartoon end for a character that was never serious

I never went on any vacations

Maybe as a small child where I can't remember it

But nothing that I could come home from school happy about.

What is that disconnect called?

I guess a lot of people feel like they're on the outside looking in. But what does it mean if I feel like im on the outside looking out.

When I was 13 I woke up with two bloody lips and a headache.

I had gotten into an argument with my brother the night before and he pushed me so hard I hit my head and forgot about it.

And so I woke up with two bloody lips and a headache. I told the school nurse that I must've gotten into a fight with my brother and I was evaluated. Didn't they know I was already being constantly evaluated?

Sometimes it feels like that concussion never went away. I just wake up most days with bloody lips and headaches.

When I was 14 a girl had lied and told me she was a lesbian, just to ask out a close friend of mine. I got up and left in the middle of 1st period like a little bitch.

I sat in my room and listened to Fall of Troy, and Cursive. Cried my eyes out for a full 24 hours.

Bloody lips and a headache.

No one in my house knew how to deal with something like that, and so I was on the outside.

The crying stopped when I got up in the dark of my room, put on a pair of sunglasses, and played my guitar. Trying so hard to picture being on a stage, or having music that meant anything.

I cried some more.

For whatever reason, I always take the poison drink. I don't have the heart to hurt that giant. Or maybe the balls.

The idea that someone could feel the way I have and do scares the shit out of me. I'd rather drink a gallon of poison with a drop of honey in it than just get a glass of water.

It honestly feels like I shouldn't be here sometimes.

I tried to get a gun when I was 15 but it wasn't for me

I woke up in the hospital when I was 16. I had tried to kill myself after doing hallucinogenic drugs. I was dying of hypothermia when the police found me and I had to be airlifted to a hospital that could care for me. I woke up in the hospital and my dad put a pillow over my face and asked me if I wanted to die.

Funny thing is that for the first time in a while. I didnt.

When im alone I feel like im gonna cave in.

Like everything I worked for and every mental Jenga piece was actually made of straw. Like if I don't hold my head and pray, the holy father is gonna bless me with a disease.

Bless me

Things that work DO work. But maybe I just don't have the mental resilience to keep doing them for so long. What the fuck is emotional intelligence anyway?

When im alone I desperately search for something to give me value. Value as a provider, as an entertainer, as an artist. Anything that can make me feel like maybe I WILL get us to colorado.

I don't know why things hurt as hard as they do. I don't know when I'll feel like im not alone. I don't know when I'll stop drinking poison. I don't know when I won't be afraid to say the things I need to. I don't know when anyone will take me seriously. I don't take me seriously.

I'm still just waking up with bloody lips and a headache.

[ctchmyskull]

The cost of keeping habits

Weighs too heavy on my heart

Don't you wish that it was easy

Cutting traffick from the start

[ctchmyskull]

Fuck a super bowl

I'm super banging my hot wife

[ctchmyskull]

Pricing creation

Taxing my endeavors

Words can't escape me

I only get better

I refuse to fail

I love my hand

[ctchmyskull]

Getting drunk and playing morrowind next to my hot irl azura gf.

I am the luckiest man in the world.

[ctchmyskull]

Kinky role-play idea

I roleplay as a car battery and you can roleplay as the ocean.

[ctchmyskull]

Make her convulse

Roll waifus

Pass out

[ctchmyskull]

Grocery list:

Cheese

Pack of Marlboro Reds

Handcuffs

[ctchmyskull]

Good things are happening and arriving constantly.

There is love.

[ctchmyskull]

Bruh you literally make me spiral - 3/8/2023

[ctchmyskull]

Eating out while they explain genshin lore >>>>>>>>>>

[ctchmyskull]

I decided that you are mine.

So you are mine.

[ctchmyskull]

Update:

Making out furiously.

[ctchmyskull]

I think.

About pinning u to the wall

And making out furiously.

[ctchmyskull]

Too much to write about

No poem or thought piece could do these thoughts justice.

So I will simply say

I am grateful for all of it

It is all I've wanted.

-Ramza

- --- / .-.. --- ...- .

10/10/2024