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[curbside-freakshow]

TUESDAY, OCT 11, 2022, 9:43 PM

Things I want

So my birthday was recent. It sucked. Probably the worst one to date. I chose a Saturday to celebrate thinking surly everyone I care about would find a way to be there on a damn Saturday with like 2 weeks notice. But no. It was just my sister and mom. And I love them, like, of course, but they aren’t exactly the lives of the party. They are the kind of people who are only really fun if they have another fun person to work off of. My little brother ash and big sis Kay do this perfectly. If ash can’t be there to start an argument or go on a wired rant, Kay is there to get Sis and mom worked up over something that’s really no big deal. Their presences alone often lead to games being played or movies being watched. But with just Sis and mom it’s just ... awkward. Everything was just missing it’s special ingredient that used to make it so special in the first place. My favorite diner my mom made didn’t have the homemade tortillas that I love with it. They got me my favorite flavor of cake but didn’t make it themselves. I remember being directly involved in making both of those things but this year she brought it all already made.

The only thing I really asked for was baking supplies so I can start baking stuff in our new apartment. All I got was an apron and oven mitts, no ingredients or utensils. Even the books I got from my sister were books I didn’t ask for and ones she would have gotten for herself anyway. It was all so disappointing. Are all birthdays as an adult like this?

One highlight is a few days later Alaina got the paint I wanted

but not. The damn. Modeling paste. That was the ONLY thing I need to start on a project I’m working on.

I’m broke and I know everyone else is too but this was all so important to me and yet all so small. This made me think that it was doable and I could totally get what I wanted for my birthday. Nah.

Maybe I’m being a little selfish. But I’m upset so let’s be selfish for a minute.

As an adult it is up to ME to make myself happy. It is up to ME to give me the things that are important to me. It is up to ME to give me the things that I want.

So what do I want?

Well, here’s a developing list:

I want to learn the piano.

I want to learn more about art history so maybe get a book on it or take an online course.

I want to learn more about different kinds of birds, more specifically how to draw them

I want to read more about Greek mythology

I want to learn more about bible theory

I want the learn how to paint with modeling paste

I want to learn how to write.

.

.

.

... is that it? Is that really it? Is that all I want to do to make me happy? if it is it’s really not that fucking hard is it?

Maybe I just suck at making me happy. I wonder if I actually make the people around me happy or if they...

ugh

No. Those thoughts are too... adolescent for me. It’s all emotional brain bullshit.

I’m just gonna go on Amazon and buy a book on birds.

[curbside-freakshow]

So this is my most recent problem. I’ve been scared of the dark. No, really. See, I like scary stuff so I wonder on to the analog horror side of YouTube a lot. Just a few days ago I watched the Mandela Catalog volume 2. Really popular and i think its high quality story telling. I had always enjoyed watching the series and never had trouble sleeping after watching an episode before. But for some reason after watching all the way to the end i was so freaked out I didn’t sleep a minute that night. Every time i closed my eyes i would be in the story being attacked by monsters in the shadows. My heart would race, my hands would sake and I would hyperventilate. The only solution I had was to distract myself by anxiously scrolling through my phone. When ever I would try to put my phone away and close my eyes I would freak out again. So i stayed awake, all night un till the sun came up and i was finally so exhausted i had to sleep.

No one here knows me but this is not like me at all. So there had to be a reasonable explanation right? My first thought is that it was because i was alone. I mentioned some where that I don’t have any friends but i do have a large family. Me and my older sister are best buds and do everything together. Normally i would have watched the videos with her in our shared room where she would be within arms reach of me. But we live with different parents right now and I can’t visit as much as i used to. So that morning i call her and i feel a little better. I move on and it doesn’t effect me too much for the next few days.

But yesterday me, my sister, and my brother have a night to our selves and we go to watch the move Nope. Thanks to that move I have to completely reevaluate my mental state. I don’t say that lightly. Now I don’t think I’ve seen a movie anything like that before. Like i said I like scary stuff but that usually falls under the more mainstreamed stuff. You know, ghost movies, slashers, gimmicky science fiction movies. I love that stuff. But this was different.

Right away, as soon as the movie started i was on edge and uncomfortable. To the point where i checked my ticket to make sure i was in the right theater. We were. And i was enjoying the build up until it just… kept going. The resolution wasn’t where i thought it would be and the stress was building up. The scenes got more and more disturbing and hard to watch. My heart was pounding, my hands were shaking and I couldn’t catch my breath. I was starting to freak my sister out. The climax was coming and the movie just got louder and more uncomfortable. It was only getting worse and i had to either leave the movie or burst into tears.

I think I had a panic attack but I’m not sure. I didn’t sleep too well last night, didn’t fall asleep until after 5 a.m. despite being in my old room with my sister. Just… every time I closed my eyes to try to get some sleep I would relive some of the freakiest scenes. So, i was back on my phone waiting for the sun to rise and my room wouldn’t be so dark anymore. This is how i came to the conclusion that I, a 23 year old adult, my be afraid of the dark.

Or I’m just crazy I dunno. I hope I can try to watch that movie again some day. Heard the finally was really good. But I think I did the right thing for myself at the time. I now know some details about what happened and its just more nightmare fuel honestly. At least they have cute decorative nightlights these days.

[curbside-freakshow]

So I’ve never done this before. I’ve always wanted to keep a personal journal but could never stay consistent with it. The motivation just wasn’t there. But I’m thinking maybe a blog will be better. I don’t know why but the idea that one day someone might read this kinda makes me want to try keeping up with it more. Now I don’t really expect any one to read this or interact with what I’m saying but if that does happen it would admittedly be kinda cool. I don’t really have any friends so getting an outsiders opinion on some of my problems my be insightful. So I’m gonna try cuz that’s all I can do and its gonna be great.