cursesandcries

[cursesandcries]

jusko po ang bigat

[cursesandcries]

i need a job. i need money to take even better care of our pets. i need a job, i need a source of income please please please universe, the heavens, god, everyone.

[cursesandcries]

tired of fighting for my life.

[cursesandcries]

at the end of the day mas gugustuhin ko pa rin talagang mamatay

[cursesandcries]

the thing that's holding me back from meeting up and making plans is honestly just the money 🙃 not because i don't want to, not because i don't want to meet up, not because i don't enjoy your company, but because i just don't have the fucking money lol 😭

[cursesandcries]

should i be the one to reach out again? i'm always the one reaching out, always the one na mangumusta kahit na i barely receive any reply. kailan ba sila huling nag initiate ng pangungumusta? i don't even want to backread sa mga gc kasi nakikita ko lang yung chats ko na parang desperate ex. at this point i don't even think they miss me as much as i miss them. so idk if ipagsisiksikan ko pa ba sarili ko. i understand naman na they are busy. i am busy too. we are all busy. pero idk, i still make time na mangumusta kahit na busy ako... siguro baka mali ko lang din 'to kasi nageexpect ako, pero mali bang gustuhin na kumustahin ng mga kaibigan? pangungumusta lang naman. di naman kailangan full blown conversation eh. yun lang naman.

or maybe they also got tired of me and my clingy ass, found better friends and circles, and don't want to deal with me anymore. well, can't blame them if that's the case, tbh. kasi i'm tired of myself na rin naman. maybe this is them sending that message hoping i'll get it. if so, then... that hurts.

[cursesandcries]

O manong pawikan, ako sana'y turuan niyo kung ano ang paraan na ang mabigat ay gumagaan.

[cursesandcries]

oh, my blog turned 12 na pala last April 26. Happy 12th Anniv, cursesandcries, danabels, atbpng usernames na nakalimutan ko na hahaha

[cursesandcries]

Far from all the smoke and dust, far from toxic rain and rust, underneath the soil I trust, you will find me. Where the worms are filled with lust, feel no sorrow or disgust, you will see I'm finally free when you find me. - Lagoon, The Ridleys

[cursesandcries]

We don’t need saving. We’re not waiting for some clean-handed saint to pull us from the wreckage. What we need is someone who’ll sit in the ash with us, light a cigarette, maybe pour a drink, and say, “Let it burn.” Someone who doesn’t look away when it gets ugly, who doesn’t run when the walls start to fall. We don’t need escape—we need presence. The kind that stays when there's nothing left but smoke and honesty.

[cursesandcries]

the mental pressure really got to me because my whole body is aching. like my whole body was so tight the whole time and ig it really felt that crushing feeling 🫠

[cursesandcries]

the heaven is crying for me right now cause i have no more tears to cry haha

[cursesandcries]

that was the most intense pressure i've ever felt in my life. and it wasn't the good kind of pressure. it was pressure combined with self-doubt and non-existent confidence. all i needed after that is to release it all. and it hurts that i have no one to go home to after this super long day. i even have to beg for a hug earlier hahaahahaha i am /that/ desperate for comfort and touch and warmth. i just need a soul-crushing hug to dissipate the pressure away. i just need verbal and physical support.

[cursesandcries]

i feel like i'm always the one reaching out. wala bang magrreach out jan? mangungumusta? i think about them even on my busy days. i think about them whenever i go home and check my phone. whenever i need support, their faces pops up in my head and my heart wishes na sana makareceive man lang ako ng kahit isang message of good luck. pero kahit seen nga wala.

i get energy and motivation from you guys because you all are very important to me and you've been in my life for so long. sa inyo ako lagi humuhugot ng lakas to go through the tough times. but idk if that's the right thing to do. i know i shouldn't expect anything din but... idk.

not every day naman eh. just this time lang naman sana need ko lang ng loud support. kasi if kayo yung may ganito i would do everything i could to show my support from afar. i'd probably message before and after. i'd watch like my life depended on it and i will express just how proud i am of you. pero idk. but okay i do think i'm wrong though for expecting something when i shouldn't.

am i the only one who really cares this deeply. should i not care this deeply? (even if the answer is yes, i cannot do that because i'm just not that way). why do i feel so alone here.

[cursesandcries]

how do you actually believe in yourself? how can I stop doubting myself and my potential and my capabilities? how? genuinely asking cause idk...

[cursesandcries]

there's a chance that i might become alcoholic but we'll never know lol

if that happens tho, then ngayon pa lang, i'm sorry

[cursesandcries]

alcohol will be my downfall i fear lol