cwoe

[cwoe]

in a healthy, close relationship of any kind, when something upsets you, you need to bring it up. as soon as possible, even. cultivate an environment in which you both can talk about things that upset you, with the utmost attention to everyone’s feelings. it’s a really simple thing to do but it’s a thing i’ve been working on for a while and i’m getting actual nice things happening as a result

[cwoe]

Missed Girlhood

When most people say that “i didn’t really have a childhood”, they mean something like, growing up too fast, or that when they were young, life was too dark for anything as light as a childhood. But when I cast my memories back to when I was young, I was never really seriously hurt. I was never seriously bullied. There were a lot of things I didn’t find fun, but nothing stuck out to me as being bad. There were - and are - a lot of things i’m overwhelmingly lucky to have had in those years. And I think a lot about things like, random events that set off life changing chain reactions, that take years to finally give you the fruit they’ve been growing all that time.

But I don’t know if I had a childhood.

My life is cut into two by an indescribable kind of… spiritual wall. There’s before I realized I was a girl, and after. That leaves about 20 years of my life on the other side, and only 3 years of my life in what feels like my real life. I know I did everything I did 20 years ago, but it doesn’t feel like it was me. I didn’t know my name then. I didn’t know what I was like. If you’d asked me to describe myself, or even how I was feeling at any point, I don’t know if I could have answered you. It’s not that the things I did were unimportant or unmemorable. They shaped who I am today. 

But when I realized I was a girl, it was like I felt my emotions for the first time - like before I’d just been getting a cheap imitation, and I’d had a suspicion about that for a long time. I remember really distinctly, on the tram, as I was coming to the climax of realizing it all - I was thinking ‘well, I guess that must mean I’m a lesbian too’ and I felt happy for the first time. Not just ‘this is alright’. Some kind of veil of self disinterest had left me. I felt happy. Genuinely, filling my body and feeling warmth in my chest.

Everything before then feels like I was in some kind of… I don’t know. A haze? A fugue? But it never felt like anything so dramatic, it was just normal to me. I didn’t realize what I was missing. I know I had a life, and I know that it was important, and I never dismiss it - but in my head, my memories from after I realized I was a girl are so much clearer, and my memories from before feel like they’re… for something else. Maybe like memories of a past life, only I never died to get here. That wall exists in my mind, sorting everything into ‘valid girl memories’ and ‘who cares lol’.

When I was a child, I bought totally in to boyness, although I was never really that masculine, or into sports or wrestling or whatever as other boys. And when I was much younger, I never thought anything of playing with my sisters dolls. I fully believed in “Girl Germs”. And fuck, when I was like, 14 to about 16, I even had an internet nerd phase where I was one of those online boys who don’t get shit now today. I know I did it - but it doesn’t feel like I was there for it.

It’s hard for me to say I had a childhood, because it’s hard for me to say I was around back then. I don’t feel any pain thinking about it. But those memories don’t fit me. It’s like old clothes you’ve outgrown, and they just won’t fit anymore, and you’re not really… sure how to feel about it. There’s a sense that your past is missing. That you know you have one, but everything from before you realized you were a girl and first felt yourself for the first time doesn’t matter. When I say it feels like you weren’t there… it’s because I don’t feel like I’m me without remembering I’m a girl. Everything else I’ve learned about myself stems forward from that.

So I remember an 8 year old, and I always begrudgingly say “boy” because as far as I was concerned at the time, that’s what I was, and I remember an 8 year old eager for the next star wars prequel completely unaware that “his” dad thought they were total shit, going around to friends places to play wwe games and wrestle even though I didn’t really want to (except to make weirdos in the wwe games), and because at each point I get the feeling of “boy”, it feels like it doesn’t fit me. 

A cis girl can recall her past, look at old photos and not feel a weird sense of annoyance and ‘ugh, i don’t wanna see that thanks’. She can post her 8 year old self and go ��lol, cute!”. Whenever I remember high school, I remember I wore the boys school uniform and how that just never… fit me, and how I dismissed that as something weird but unimportant - but it means every memory is touched by that invisible dysphoria. At no point was I myself, in a sense.

There’s a sense in which you’re robbed of your past, like this. You know you were a little girl, but you can’t feel it, because in your memories you can’t feel that - you just feel that invisible veil around your self that you thought was nothing, but was really your gender dysphoria. You didn’t act like yourself, or t think like yourself. You didn’t learn to do your hair or makeup, and so now you have to catchup on youtube and practice at home making sure you don’t look like a bloody idiot who can’t tell the difference between bb cream and foundation. You’ll hear other girls, especially gay ones like yourself, talk about ‘universal girl experiences’ and reminisce fondly about their own girlhood. Your girlhood was being utterly convinced you were a boy and thinking that when rod flanders said ‘I’m jealous of girls because they get to wear dresses’, you went ‘you know, he does have a point.’

Not only are you denied your past, your denied a social experience every other girl shares freely, girls who might acknowledge you as a girl now, but think nothing of just saying “but EVERY girl felt this.” Every gay girl remembers feeling a kind of way about Kim Possible. Every girl remembers making your boobs do a little dance in the mirror. Every girl has had this minor, everyday experience - oh, but isn’t it funny how boys don’t get this stuff, and they’re just so unaware of basic stuff? They don’t even know the difference between foundation and concealer.

There is a way out, though.

The reality is, I did have a girlhood - not because I got to share in sort of, universal girl experiences. But because I was a child, and I was a girl, whether I damn well knew it or not. It just wasn’t a normal one, or one that most other girls on the planet can understand.

Instead of seeing an 8 year old boy when I look back at my memories, or at photos, I’m gonna choose, and go out of my way, to see things differently. I’m going to see myself as the girl I know I deserved to be seen as, that I was entitled to be seen as, and that I never realized I wanted to be seen as. I’m going to have respect for my child self and not let her - and yes, her, because I’m not going to refer to her as a boy anymore - be cut off from my memories. I’m going to treat her with the same care and love I might treat any young girl who needed it, and didn’t realize it. I might draw the way she should have looked, or just, remember something and remember how my hair should have been. Reclaim those memories a bit. See what was really inside that 8 year old girl that she couldn’t see herself.

It doesn’t make up for everything. It doesn’t change the reality of how I felt then. But it… honours my memory, and that five year old girl who thought jar jar binks was really good, actually, and how can palpatine be a sith lord, he’s so nice, or the 8 year old girl who got her beyblades confiscated at school because the russian kid on the bus wanted me to prove I had them, and who couldn’t really explain why she wanted to play as the girl when pokemon crystal came out. 

I see her as she deserved to be seen now. I see my real self from when I was a child - it was always there, whether I never saw it or not. And it feels healing. It reconnects me to my past, to realize who I really was then, and to honur that, rather than throw unfitting memories to the second hand shop. 

They don’t quite fit, but they were important to me at the time. I’ll hang on to them.

[cwoe]

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[cwoe]

Voice Training for Trans Girls | Stef Sanjati

(Just thought I’d share this in case someone finds it useful!)

[cwoe]

i had a dream that i passed n i'm still upset that it was just a dream n it'll never actually happen :')

[cwoe]

imagine me ever being read as a c¡s woman, Nevert Gonnah Happnen

[cwoe]

i Love having dysphoria and Love being so ugly

[cwoe]

imagine if i was a ręål gįrl

[cwoe]

anyone else feel horrible abt their body i'm ready to kms

[cwoe]

me, freshly shaved w my hair in a [imagine a ponytail made w the full circumference of a headband], the best i've been in a while: maybe i won't look so ugly at a future point in my life

[cwoe]

11 65 83 85

11. What job do you think you'd be really good at?a housewife or groundskeeper65. What fad or trend do you think should come back?idek83. What's special about the place you grew up?imma go on bc i personally think b*lle ch*sse is like the best place to live bc:it's a p skinny peninsula such that u only gotta know two directions (up the road n down the road), it super calm wrt like traffic n crime n everything like that,n*w *rleans is 30min away if u ever want anything from one of the greatest cities, n also i rly like the fact that wooded areas seem so contained here as opposed to other areas in l*uisiana where it feels like everything is carved out of the woods idk if i described that well but it's phlat land w not too many unsightly trees85. What are you most likely to become famous for?hopefully nothing? idk

[cwoe]

i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf i hаtе mуsеlf

[cwoe]

i put that on google translate russian which gives u: Кто бы ни был, не будет, все равно не будет, Если вы не 'поймете', что 'не' 'Быть', 'делал', 'делал', 'делал', 'делал', 'делал', 'делал', ' 'Вы' будете ',' не ',' делайте ',' делайте ',' делайте ',' делайте ' 'Нельзя' 'Не' быть '' Невозможно ' Если бы кто-нибудь, у кого он был, был бы, 'Нет', 'кто' бы 'все' вел ',' имел ',' думал ',' не ' Не нужно быть "неважно", "кто", "знает", "знает", "знает", "знает", " 'N't'd've'll'''''''''''''''ll've'nt''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''' 'Нельзя' 'Нельзя' 'Неправильно' 'Невозможно Нет, нет, нет, есть, нет, нет, нет, нет, нет, нет, нет, нет, нет. 'Вы' будете ',' не ',' делайте ',' делайте ',' делайте ',' делайте ' Не так ли? which translates back into english as: Whoever is, will not be, still will not be, If you do not 'understand' what 'did not' 'Be', 'did', 'did', 'did', 'did', 'did', 'did 'Do not' 'Do not be' 'Impossible' If anyone who had it, would not, Would be, 'No', 'who' would 'have everything', 'had', 'thought', 'do not' Do not need to be "unimportant", "who", "knows", "knows", "knows" , "Knows", "'N't'd've'll' '' '' '' '' '' '' 'll've'nt' '' '' '' '' '' '' ' '' '' '' '' '' '' '' '' '' '' '' '' '' '' '' '' '' '' '' '' '' '' '' '' '' '' '' '' '' '' '' '' '' '' 'You can not' 'You can not' 'Wrong' 'Impossible No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, No. 'You' will ',' no ',' do ' , 'Do', 'do', 'do' Do not you?

[cwoe]

whom'st’d’ve'dist’d'n’t'st’d’ve’ll’s’d’ve’re'n’t'y'all’ll'ven’t’t'whom'st’d'y'all’ve'nt’ll’ve'y'all'oughtn'tt'shan’t’ve'there'dn’t'vet'be'st'dn'mightn’t'ven’t'st’ve'ten'y'all'st’d'n’t’ve’ll'on’t'vehe’d'whom'st’d’ve'dist’d'n’t'st’d’ve’ll’s’d’ve’re'n’t'y'all’ll'ven’t’t'whom'st’d'y'all’ve'nt’ll’ve'y'all'oughtn'tt'shan’t’ve'there'dn’t'vet'be'st'dn'mightn’t'ven’t'st’ve'ten'y'all'st’d'n’t’ve’ll'on’t'vehe’d'whom'st’d’ve'dist’d'n’t'st’d’ve’ll’s’d’ve’re'n’t'y'all’ll'ven’t’t'whom'st’d'y'all’ve'nt’ll’ve'y'all'oughtn'tt'shan’t’ve'there'dn’t'vet'be'st'dn'mightn’t'ven’t'st’ve'ten'y'all'st’d'n’t’ve’ll'on’t'vehe’d'whom'st’d’ve'dist’d'n’t'st’d’ve’ll’s’d’ve’re'n’t'y'all’ll'ven’t’t'whom'st’d'y'all’ve'nt’ll’ve'y'all'oughtn'tt'shan’t’ve'there'dn’t'vet'be'st'dn'mightn’t'ven’t'st’ve'ten'y'all'st’d'n’t’ve’ll'on’t'vehe’d'whom'st’d’ve'dist’d'n’t'st’d’ve’ll’s’d’ve’re'n’t'y'all’ll'ven’t’t'whom'st’d'y'all’ve'nt’ll’ve'y'all'oughtn'tt'shan’t’ve'there'dn’t'vet'be'st'dn'mightn’t'ven’t

[cwoe]

noffense but i wanna sûque dîque

[cwoe]

Í: Wíśh Í Wáś Ćíś Í: Háté Myśélf