d-i-d-moi

[d-i-d-moi]

This is Jazz, a gift from MT to us girls. Thanks MT Jazz is lovely and soft and comforting 🌹

[d-i-d-moi]

Thank you girls for giving me some of your love ❤️

[d-i-d-moi]

Ade, I'm still here with you

I'm here.

i know we have no say over certain things. I'm sorry, i did not realise this has triggered helplessness aspect of our trauma.

yes, Ade, it is our trauma. I am always here for you.

Thank you for bringing this to me today, you know I'm aware how difficult it is to do this.

i totally understand why you couldn't reach out it would have crushed us to have seen people didn't care even when knowing of our pain. at least we could make excuses for people not saying or doing anything then as we hadn't directly expressed what was happening for us..

even though it was obvious to anyone paying attention yes,

that's what our mind does to keep us safe.

today's life we are safe, i am safe, you are safe. i am here for you always as i have been throughout.

it is brave to believe and trust someone not stupid or gullible.

esp when you have been abused.

so, this helplessness, reflect on what things and people mean to you. no matter what other people do no one can take your meaning away, nor do others need to reciprocate it either. it is our meaning based on our feelings perspective etc.

remember please you are loved, you matter.

pamper body time me thinks. ❤️ 💕

[d-i-d-moi]

Breathe in with me,

out with me,

in with me,

yes, that's right.

You can trust this body.

We are breathing.

That feels better doesn't it?

Good. I'm sorry I didn't recognise this before.

I am breathing. Therefore, you are breathing.

All is peaceful and calm here. You are safe.

Just keep breathing with me, feel the body we have now. Stay with me.

Well done, young one. 👏

[d-i-d-moi]

MT, it's LT and newbie here, we want you to know we love you very much.

Awh, thank you, girls. I love you very much.

So, it helped doing the thought exercise :

25 minutes set time

listen to each thought,

no repetitions,

acknowledge the thought,

respond to the thought, [is this true? Where is evidence? What is my perspective on this?]

Then move on, [what else?]

this helped calm the mind.

I will do this exercise again as many times needed. I have done similar before, this felt different, perhaps containing it in time, I don't know, see what happens over time.

It has also helped listening to the "masterclass" where two doctors talked of healing trauma via the body and parts of the self, which is what i have been doing to heal, there is science to back it up now:

Listen to the body,

listen to the part of me in that part of my body

enable that part to experience a felt sense of safety in the body.

From here we can heal. We can endeavour to see what is currently being protected and if this pattern needs to be changed. If so, ask what that part of me needs in order to make the change.

Thank you girls. I love you all, I am grateful for each of you. I love loving all of you.

I am grateful for the love and caring of TASM. I love loving you.

Thank you.

[d-i-d-moi]

Self care

Compassion for self creates trust in self.

Remember to observe first.

If our thoughts come from our body, what does our body need?

E.g. to be held by someone we feel safe with.

If no one available at the time how else could we meet this need.. without going to food.

Curl up on sofa and huggle myself.

Shower and stroke skin attentively

Lay naked in bed and cuddle up with self.

Massage self.

Book in a massage.

Place one hand on stomach, the other over the heart area, breathe 4-2-6-2-4

If emotional holding required or the above not helping fully then, breath mindfully 4-2-6-2-4

Do 15 min mindfulness writing challenge

Write a poem

Read a poem aloud

Reach out to the girls of course, remind them we can connect and how.

Remember :

I create the felt sense of safety in my body for myself.

I continue to learn a felt sense of support for our body and ourselves.

I continue to expand my trust in myself in my decisions, that i am safe for myself and younger selves, and my trust in others. I continue to expand my being present with myself in the moment and with others, in the latter I do not lose myself with or in others.

In this expansive space, we can and do process trauma.

This is what we and I have been doing. I need to and will continue this.

I trust myself to look after me as well as my younger selves,

I trust myself to help myself.

I trust myself to continue to learn to manage my trauma responses.

I trust myself to challenge myself healthily and with compassion.

I trust myself.

All of you can trust yourselves, each other and me.

I am here, awake and willing to continue healing.

[d-i-d-moi]

LT when you said 'what if they don't accept it' you mean like the men don't you, the way they disempowered you and took over you and disregarded everything you said to them.

Yeah, gentle hugs, I'm here. Please hear me, those men are gone. You and I are very much empowered and become more empowered with every healing, every breakthrough, every time we persevere, try to do what we want to in life, every time we let ourselves be vulnerable and trust someone.

Everytime we are compassionate to ourselves for making a mistake as then we learn and grow, every time we are brave to reveal the truth of us that cannot be seen by looking at us be that how we feel, what we think, our experiences etc.

I appreciate being vulnerable for you and your experience is a sign of imminent danger, that time in our life has gone. Being vulnerable whilst scarey can also be beautiful, the two can exist at same time and we are not in danger.

Well done, seriously well done for staying with me whilst i needed to do something urgent. You are important, your healing is a priority, thank you for working with me on this. I need to keep present life stable so i need to do urgent things swiftly, this does not mean i am no longer available for you, as i am. I hope I've demonstrated that this morning by remaining with you emotionally and sitting with you in that sheer fright, of imminent harm about to take place whilst i did what i needed to do.

Feel the safety in me, it's real, you can believe this feeling. It is real right now.

We are safe. You are safe.

I am safe. I am here with you.

I am staying.

[d-i-d-moi]

Ok little one, i know you are getting a familiar feeling, although this doesn’t mean necessarily the same thing is going to happen. If it does then we say what the truth and reality are for us.

What if they don't accept it?

Depends, if I'm called a liar when I'm telling the truth, that's likely to cross a line.

If they can't see what im saying, then that's them, not me, i can only tell people what i know.

It's ok, cry if you need to young one. Just remember you have done nothing wrong. You can also rely on your perception of your experience.

Remember i did what i was asked to do.

Now, this attacking mind is going inwards, keep it current and in the present.

It's not fair to hurt you or me.

[d-i-d-moi]

New LT, thank you for your courage to come and be with me and staying.

You are safe here, safe in your body, safe in your mind.

Safe with me.

You are safe to be alone.

You are safe with other people.

Feel the truth of what i am saying.

Feel the love I have for you.

Feel the love from all our girls.

Thank you to little Ugi B who stayed with LT to help her. That was brave. I am glad you are here too.

I love you very much.

All of you, I love you all so very much.

[d-i-d-moi]

It's ok to feel this, body memories flushing throbbing in my vagina, and legs, arms, just tried shaking it out, moved it, increased a bit although good to feel it move. Keep breathing deep into the belly, kindly to self young one please, that's it, gently breathe deep into the belly, for a 4 count, breathe in via nose, breathe out via mouth for 6 count. Adjust back when you notice breathing reverted back to shallow.

This penetration memory is strong today isn't it, it's ok to feel it, i am right here with you, i am here, i am staying. We can handle this together.

Remember, the body memories and emotional flashbacks are presenting themselves for healing to take place, they are not punishment.

There is nothing for you to be punished for.

It's ok, when I was you at your age we weren't to know, we were a kid, we needed help and guidance. We did our best at the time with what we knew then, which is all anyone can do. Your heart has always been with good intent, wanting to help, yourself and others, wanting to understand, to learn, to do what's 'right' as in fair, this fairness is for ourselves to remember please.

I know it's difficult, we are here together and we are doing this, together ❤️ We can handle this together.

Note, TASM if you read this do not worry please.

[d-i-d-moi]

Thank you little Ugi Beau for coming to me this morning and staying with me whilst feeling those emotions, was that the dying feeling, I think i am just realising it is. Thank you for letting me hold you. Thank you for saying that I am enough. More than enough in fact. That was lovely to hear and good for me to know.

I hope I didn't stay too long in the trauma space this morning it is difficult to know sometimes if it is too soon, or I've stayed too long. We appear to be ok now we're up. Moving about and engaging our mind helps.

Like the grief lady said last night MT, go to the pain, feel it, be with it then put yourself into something, give yourself a repreieve.

Exactly Ugi B.

Which is what you have been doing MT.

Thank you Ugi B.

I think it is hard for you to see clearly sometimes isn’t it, what is the best thing to do. Remember what we discussed with Riccardi yesterday.

Yes indeed. Ground self in the reality of life today and of our life experiences in recent times as this is our life. The trauma is unprocessed past which I hope is healing the way it needs to.

I think it must be MT, I'm here, and the other Ugi B that came through recently. We are all here with you.

You're my collective eh?

Ooh yes, we are, and we love being with you, and in your home, you are our home MT. We love home. We love you. ❤️

[d-i-d-moi]

LT you are very brave, i can feel how scared you are and how vulnerable you feel. Try to remember you are safe with me always. Thank you for telling me your concerns and staying with me when the trauma flushing came up just now. Know that you are safe with me, know that you are loved by me.

My love for you and your safety remains no matter what is happening internally or externally.

Change is scary. It highlights things we don't know, and during transition, our senses are heightened. You are a brave and strong young soul. It is safe to feel these sensations in our body. I am here with you. LT, you are never alone.

[d-i-d-moi]

Self care.

Well girls, we've written some messages of what we appreciate about each other recently so now I think to put them here in one place.

You want to start with your message to me? Yes, ooh, lovely.

We, LT, Ade Ugi Beau et al, see in MT a deeply caring human, with a deep heart, a soul with empathy and compassion, a heart filled with such love, acceptance and understanding to all of us and externals one in particular in current life TASM for which we are very happy for MT.

We know MT has endured much pain with and for us. MT doesn't stop trying to heal, she may pause, as she needs a reprieve but she never really stops, she is always aiming to do what is right by us.

MT is also a lot of fun, she is kind, she asks after us, makes time for us. MT is calm, usually, unless trauma pattern is triggered and then she still tries to help us.

MT acknowledges us, our feelings and thoughts, she let's us know when she understands our view and she is real with us and tells us when she doesn't.

MT also sees our point of view and at times sees something different to us and she lets us know what she sees, as she is older and has healed more than we have, she helps us to understand there may be another way to look at things. We learn a lot from MT.

We all want MT to be happy, cared for and loved and appreciate very much her continued love and caring for us, even when some of us were riddled in trauma making it very difficult to be with us; MT was with us and still is.

We hope MT can feel our love for her, we feel her love for us.

We are pleased MT has TASM who loves her in the external world, and your cousins MT.

We also love MTs imagination, we love going for walks in countryside with MT, exploring, spending time in the garden, writing poetry, doing creative things, visiting our planet and characters.

Thank you MT for taking on board our concerns and adjusting what you do in a bid to meet our needs. We appreciate your consideration.

[d-i-d-moi]

Breathe in, connect with me

Breathe out, let go.. whatever you need, to.

OR

Breathe out into this moment

I love you girls.

We are stronger together remember. Safer together.

[d-i-d-moi]

Self care

LT you are asking to say something hello.

Hi MT, thanks for spending so much of your time with us today and for listening to me and not getting upset with me. I hope you know I do trust you and i love you. We all do.

Young Ade.

Yes what LT said is right and thanks from me too. You stayed with us both in our shared space, me n LT. Thank you.

You are very welcome. Now, self care...

we spent time working through thoughts,

we've journalled loads,

i think a talk with young ade and LT in your shared space could help tomorrow with Richard.

I shall shower soon. [I put heating on, so should be ok.]

I've fed myself albeit takeaway. i was tired, so better than air pie.

We have done the 'breathe in to connect with me' which has helped each time i think. And i made some notes you would like me to take action on as you are worried for my welfare. Thank you for caring girls, although try not to worry please. So, de list:

Physical exercise 💪 cardio of some description required. I will look into options during the course of this week.

Cholesterol research. This so i know what it is i am meant to be doing. Sometime this week.

Sugar. Remind myself of what learnt at course. May need to look on diabetes UK website for a recap. Again, this week.

Emotional support. This one remember is best to go too and from otherwise it can be counterproductive thinking I've found somewhere to realise I haven't. I will review the list i made, see if there is anything else to try, since our last review.

Review info from therapy charity, as well as note their helpline numbers. Not that I am anticipating using them.

Financial. Sort out C.C. statement, review money situation. Breathe.

I think that's enough to be getting on with.

Self care now, I don't want to overwhelm you now with too much in one go.

[d-i-d-moi]

Breathe in connection to me, breathe out confusion and anxiety.

I'm sorry this has come up. I thought we were ok with this. I cannot control people, what they do or say, and i don't want to. I want people to be with ne because they want to be with me.

So what is it about not knowing, although apparently we will hear about it after tonight. That could mean as i took it at the time , not necessarily anything more.

So people who say we are important to them and various nice things sbout us, all true but then spend time with other people and not you/me. I understand your confusion. I don't get it either. Is this what the discounting of self is about? How can what they say be true when they don't spend time with me themselves? Did you think they're just saying things, keeping you sweet and in place?

I hope you know I'm not doing that. I do not believe TASM is either.

We know MT sorry.

We are not in the past where you come from. I am in the present.

I am here.

I observe life so it can unfold naturally.

What happens, happens.

I am still here.

Breathe in connection to me.

People tell us things when they are ready to. This doesn't necessarily mean they've been lying to us. Remember i need time to process things, I'm not lying, or being insincere etc.

Stay in the now with me.

Remember our connections with others.

Stay connected to me first and foremost.

I'm sorry you're hurting with this, this morning. I hope what i have said helps

It's ok young ones, you haven't done anything wrong, it is safe to express yourself and to talk to me here.

[d-i-d-moi]

It's ok girls, remember, breathe in connection with me, breathe out the feeling of coming away from yourself, separating.

Well that has been staring me in the face hasn't it, separation anxiety, you are feeling this from me which, what is primed rather than triggered by my leaving physical connection with someone else? Actually it is probably all types of connection isn't it?

What is the difference between primed and triggered?

Ah, i would say primed is where something is aroused, so comes to life in us to some degree, triggered is when it is full blown trauma response so i would think the thoughts, physical, physiological sensations are all present, I'm not sure that's right. But let's leave that here for now.

I can feel there is more crying that wants to come out. We have a lot still to grieve, the things that have come up over last few weeks.

In answer to your question earlier, yes you are enough to be loved for real and for that person or persons to stay. I have it now with TASM. That is for you too. You also have me. I love you. I show up. I am here for you.

Keep breathing in to connect with me.

LT you are not losing your self. I am here. You are a part of me. We are together. We are real, and whole together.

We are safe at home.

Those people who hurt you, the BPs, your sister, uncle jim, they ripped your heart out and didn't even notice. I did notice. I do notice now, all of you, obviously subject to times when i can't see you etc. Just remember please that I know. I witness your truth. It is valid. Your experiences were all real.

We know MT. Thank you.

Please thank TASM for a lovely weekend. We all needed that.

I will do.

Keep breathing in to connect with me. We are here together. We are solid and fluid at the same time.

We are not leaving our body, we are all here together in our body.

Keep breathing in to connect with me.

Well done.

Hot chocolate time, maybe some Bakewell tart as we've not eaten anything yet.

It's ok. No harm done. It is all ok.