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[d-parasiempre]

On top, standing next to each other.

May 21, 2024

Dear Journal,

All I ever wanted was for you to hold onto me. I know you might not like hearing this, but it's not about leaving everyone behind. It's not normal to walk away from everything, especially when some things took so much time, energy, and love. Some people are meant to be in your future.

Leaving might seem like the answer right now because it might sustain your happiness for a moment. But remember, you’re meant to be with someone. Sometimes your partner is flawed. Understand that your person is human and might fall short. But leaving isn’t always the answer. It might stop the pain for a while, but no matter how much you run, some things are destined for you.

People always bring baggage into a relationship. It’s like we either trip over each other’s stuff, or we unpack together. You know that everything I want to do is with you. So why can’t we work things out, start from somewhere, learn about each other, be there for each other, and most importantly, love each other unconditionally? Let’s talk things out, fix things, analyze things, and try to do better the next time.

I’ll never surrender. It's all about the faith that will never stop. One day, we will both be on top, standing next to each other. Until then, you’re in my prayers. Until then, I’ll reflect. Until then, I’ll miss and love you.

Love

[d-parasiempre]

we will reconnect

May 20, 2024

Dear Journal,

It’s been another sleepless night, and all I can think about is you. I keep seeing 222 every day, multiple times. You know what? If this love is real, I’ll see you again. Maybe not in weeks, months, or even years, but at some point, we will reconnect. And next time, we’ll get it right. I know I can’t expect you to be here with me after the things I’ve said. I’m so sorry for it all, to the point that I can’t sleep. But I also know you would want me to keep pushing through life, and that’s what I’ll do. Even for my dreams, and for the chance to have you back someday.

I really hope we can connect again and love each other the right way. Your birthday is in exactly one week, and I’m hoping to find a way to reach out to you. I’m going to buy a new SIM card and hope you’ll pick up the phone.

I have so many things in mind that I want to gift you. One of them is a trip to Europe. I hope you won’t think it’s insane or feel disrespected by the offer. Of course, I want to see you and be around you. But even if you don’t want that, I’d still like to gift you a trip somewhere else. It doesn’t have to be with me. I know traveling is one of your dreams, so I’d rather give you that instead of something materialistic. We’ve talked about it before.

Don’t forget about me. I love you so much, and I hope you’re doing good, or at least better.

Love 4L

[d-parasiempre]

Gunna - "let it breathe."

Dear Journal,

Today’s been a Sunday, and I’ve felt a constant undercurrent of stress about the days to come. How am I going to feel? Will it be worse than last time? Will it be the same? I have no idea. Right now, I just feel empty, with nothing to look forward to.

I noticed D completed her Duolingo lesson. It’s one of the last signs I have of her. I wish I could talk to her, check on her, see how she feels, know what’s on her mind, and hear how her days are going. I hope she’s back in her routine and that life is starting to feel normal again for her.

My heart constantly urges me to reach out, but my mind reminds me that she blocked me for a reason. There’s a reason she doesn’t answer, and maybe that’s the answer itself.

I don’t have much to say today.

Gunna - "let it breathe."

Love

[d-parasiempre]

Chicken with you and O

May 19, 2024

Dear Journal,

Today is a sunny day, a stark contrast to my restless night. I hope I can finally get some sleep tonight, but my mind is as busy as ever. Of course, you are at the forefront of my thoughts—the love of my life. Can I still call you that, even after I’ve hurt you? My rebellious spirit will always call you this. Because you're the one & only for me.

I saw there’s a Lowrider Exhibit at the Petersen Automotive Museum. I wish I were still in town and that we were still talking. I would love to go with you. You could find inspiration for your tattoo, and I could indulge my love for lowriders.

This morning, I started working out. Despite not sleeping, I had so much energy. But now, I’m feeling the exhaustion. I keep checking your Duolingo to see if you’re doing your lessons, but it's been three days since you last logged in. Maybe you need a break, a reminder of me that’s understandable.

I wish I could talk to you, but I know I need to keep my distance. I miss you so much that my soul aches. I miss the sunshine you bring into my life and the smile that fills me with joy. You’re the sun to my moon, lighting up my world.

Later, we’re having a barbecue at my sister’s house, and I bought some chicken. I need to grow these muscles. Hopefully, one day I can eat chicken with you and O. I love you, and I hope you have an amazing weekend. Please enjoy life—you deserve it.

Love,

-C

[d-parasiempre]

May 18, 2024

Today, I’ve decided to confide in you. Maybe one day you'll be read, maybe not. Right now, I am unbelievably jet-lagged, lost in a maze of thoughts, wishing the ending of my time in Los Angeles was just a bad dream. My mind is consumed with thoughts of you. Since the day we met, not a single day has passed without you occupying my thoughts.

I remember the first time I saw you so clearly. The moment you walked into that hotel room, I felt a spark of our future together. And when I stepped out of your car and gazed into your eyes, I knew our future was certain. Our bond is built on deep love, and I pray that, with time, we can always communicate. I don’t just hope, I pray fervently. It’s what I’ve been doing for the past two years. I pray for us to have unconditional trust and to truly understand each other's love.

I know I love intensely, maybe too intensely. We are different in many ways, especially when it comes to conflicts. Early on, I confessed my biggest fear to you: that you would leave me again. It has happened too often in the past.

Now, I understand your urge to leave during fights. You explained that you prefer to escape rather than do something regrettable. I get it now. If I could just trust that you would come back, I wouldn’t act out and do crazy things. But I also don’t want you to feel like I don’t care when you do leave. In those moments, I am at a loss for how to act. This is something I need to work on. I need to let things breathe. I never want to give the impression that I don’t care. Maybe that’s the actual problem. Letting things breathe is probably the best way to show I care about our relationship.

It's my first day back in Germany, and karma has already hit me hard. My SD card, containing all the content I made in LA, is broken. It happened during the flight. I have no idea how or why. Now, I need to send the card to specialists who might be able to save some data. It's so ironic because everything on that card was the reason I hopped on the plane to Los Angeles. Now, life has taken another unexpected turn, and karma has struck deep. Just as you said it would. I think I knew this was coming.

That’s enough for today. I pray you’re okay and that your friend is there for you. I hope you never feel like a burden when you need to talk to someone.

Today, I saw a post that said, “Love me but leave me wild. If your love comes with a cage, that’s not love, that’s possession. Love me into freedom, not a cage.”

Maybe this is how I need to start loving.