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[d3n4sh1aaaa]

July 5th, 2024. 9:58pm

I don’t know which hurts more. Knowing the truth up front, or having reality come to light after being in a state of delusion. The made of version of what felt so real and comfortable that I’ve created in my head being shattered by the reality of what it truly is. I’ve gotten to a point where I can’t wait to go to sleep, because my dreams are more comforting than being awake having the face what MY reality is. Dreaming has almost felt like an escape, though the heartbreak and ache I feel waking up after having a dream that felt so realistic and majestic.

I had a dream the other night that I had my person. The love I received felt so genuine and sweet. Comforting, correct. I didn’t have a clear vision of what he looked like or who he was but I felt safe.

I’ve came into a realization after waking up, I obviously don’t have my person, nor will I think I ever will. I think there’s people who are meant to give love but never receive. I fully believe that person is me. I'm trying to come into conclusion that this, this is my reality. And it breaks my heart to pieces.

[d3n4sh1aaaa]

Tuesday May 14, 2024. 10:03pm

i don't remember the last time i had a connection, a true genuine connection with another human being. The feeling you get in your stomach when you hear their name, or how your heart drops down to your feet when you seem them approaching from the distance. The excitement and impatient feeling when you know that they're on their way.

i don't remember the last time i had a connection. To look at someone and feel so safe and secure, like nothing or no one can hurt you. Being able to be in your presence, even in complete silence but feel so comfortable, it feels like I'm at peace. To feel like you're home to me. To be able to calm down instantly from having a panic attack just by hearing your voice.. "baby, I'm right here my love."

I don't remember the last time I had a connection. Someone being the first thing i think about when i wake up, and last before i go to sleep. To be able to wake up to corny but sweet "Goodmorning beautiful". texts. Being so excited to facetime someone to talk about everything and absolutely nothing. To listen to our favorite songs and jam out without a care in the world or worried about who's listening.

i remember..

though i remember, how i have felt. The feelings have never been reciprocated. I love and love to the fullest and best of my ability. I put my all and i love so heavy. I love.. but i am not loved. Yes, i remember. Being able to say this person is mine, my person. The love is indescribable. It felt warm and cozy, beautiful and correct. Because i loved.. but was never loved back.

I remember..

finding out what was real, which was nothing. I remember the terrible heartbreak I endured. The constant aches and pains just saying your name. My appetite leaving when you crossed my mind. The feeling of loneliness and hopelessness consistently making it's way around.

i say i healed..

Because i don't love you, anymore. But am i truly healed? I have constant thoughts of how i'm never loved, only lusted. Am i truly healed? i don't have the self confidence, who's going to love me when i can't love and appreciate myself?

I say i'm healed..

i constantly self destruct and degrade myself by surrounding myself around men that only like my body.. but don't desire me on the inside. Am i truly healed? i've shot down people that were the sweetest, and so genuine to me. But i no longer trust a soul to have the ability to have so much control over my feelings and emotions. I refuse. Am i truly healed? i have a constant fear of being left and dropped as if i never mattered.

I say I'm healed..

i crave a certain love i never truly experienced. I haven't had a singular soul that i've held so dearly in my heart, want me the way i wanted them. To be able to have someone just as scared to lose you, to be able to have someone just as in love, excited, emotional, determined, Ect. To be able to go to my person when the world isn't being so kind, but nothing matters because they're your world. Everything else doesn't exist when you're with them.

Maybe.. I'm hurting.. I'm not healed. But, that's okay. Those are capable of giving more love than they've ever received, are given what they deserve back to them 10x more. I know I'm deserving of love, and it's amazing i haven't turned cold hearted just yet. All i want to do is love, with the same given back.

[d3n4sh1aaaa]

April 5th, 2024. 1:10 AM.

Hey me, please listen. I know you're struggling right now, and that's okay. Present me is here to remind you that it's okay. Present me is also here to remind herself as well.

You feel guilty for putting your mental health and priorities first. You've always been the type of person who prioritizes everyone else's needs, physical and mental. Ask yourself, what do I need right now? What is going to help me when I'm struggling? What's going to make me happy? You don't need to answer that right away. But if you're not okay, nothing and no one else matters but you. Whom ever you're too worried about, it doesn't matter. Denashia, you matter.

You feel sorry for things that aren't in your control. No, nothing is your fault. Stop trying to make excuses for other beings' shitty behavior. You can't control someone's words or actions, only the way you respond to them. No, you don't need to explain YOURSELF for THEIR actions. Or for that fact, you don't need to explain yourself at all. Stop trying to protect feelings while yours are hurt and invalidated.

TW: SI

I know these strong feelings, negative thoughts and emotions are horrible right now. You are so loved, all around. It may feel as if you're alone and not a soul in the world cares about your existence, but you're wrong my love. Oh, so wrong. It makes a week since your suicide attempt on March 28th, 2024. Your father broke down as he saw his baby girl in the psych emergency laying in a dark secluded room with nothing on the walls but a pale earie blue paint color and a curtain for privacy. He felt so guilty about not being able to identify and recognize warning signs that you were struggling. You informed him that it's okay. You've done nothing but hide the way you've truly been feeling for a long time. Your mom wished she could've been by your side every step of the way during your admission process, but she wasn't allowed too. She's had so many loses within the last two years. She doesn't need to lose one of her two blessings. You've never doubted her love for you. Your siblings all reached out. Each and every one of them. Your closes friends, your girls. They were there every step of the way. Even almost 200 miles way. Surprised visits once you were in, because you're just so loved. even your coworkers reminded you how much they need you here. Remind yourself you're worth it.

Friends are supposed to be fun and full of love, not painful and draining. You've gone through so many failed friendships at this point, but you know your boundaries and what you can tolerate. If they cause you any mental or emotional harm, it's okay to let them go. I promise. You're not alone nor you ever will be.

Where are we right now? currently you're at work doing an overnight. You registered for classes to start your nursing school journey as soon as you got out of the hospital. You have goals and ambitions that get clouded by your judgement and fear of failure. You've held back for so long from taking big steps to better yourself. Don't hesitate anymore.

Also by the way, Happy birthday.

I love you

[d3n4sh1aaaa]

Here are some things I'm ashamed of.

TW: ABUSE, SI, SIB, SA

i am so insecure about myself. I get so sad seeing beautiful flawless woman. Publicly I post as if I'm confident, but in reality I sometimes wish I was born as someone else.

I have attachment issues. Once I love and care for someone romantically or platonically it's so hard for me to let them go if they're toxic. My fear of abandonment keeps me from maintaining healthy relationships.

I'm ashamed of my mental health. I've been struggling for as long as i can remember. I've been in psych facilities from ages 11-19. I've had multiple suicide attempts to end my life that landed me right in to ICU. As a teenager they diagnosed me with MDD, ADHD, GAD, social anxiety, and a depressive disorder with psychotic features. I went to therapy from ages 11-23. I'm tired.

i don't have a passion. I don't know if i'm just going through a early 20's crisis, or if i'm truly lost. i went from realtor to lawyer, from lawyer to social worker, from social worker to nursing, but none of it feels genuine. I don't know if i found my purpose, or if i ever will.

having "mommy and daddy issues" Are real. From the lack of genuine love from my father i seek male attention in the most toxic degrading ways. I've never been properly loved by someone because i don't know what that feels like, i don't know what my expectations are supposed to be. i've let men walk all over me, manipulate me, gaslight me, mentally, emotionally and spiritually abuse me. I crave a love i have no understanding of. With my mother, she's not as passionate as a mother should be due to her up bringing. Don't get me wrong, i love my mother, But i feel as if i love so hard because i crave the love, affection and validation that i lacked receiving growing up.

I was SA'd at 6 years old. This caused me to be hypersexual growing up. As an adult now, I'm just now learning to understand that i'm more than what my body can do/offer. It's been a hard journey though. I always thought i was only good for sex, and that's why men only approach me.

[d3n4sh1aaaa]

March 24th, 2024. 3:25AM

So, what went wrong? You started to become.. distant. We started hanging out a lot less, you stopped asking me to see you before and after work. I seen the happiness and spark leave you whenever we were together. Is there someone else you're interested in? probably, i mean, we were just friends anyway. But it's not fair i have all of this confusion and anger about not knowing how you truly felt about me, if you ever did feel a way about me that is. Where did it all go wrong? Your energy changed starting from the way you text, to your body language and the way you used to talk to me wasn't the same anymore. Where did it all go wrong? We argued over everything and absolutely nothing at the same time. I mention how i feel like you HATE me, i get called crazy and delusional of course which leads to another pointless argument. The resentment i felt from you already tore me into a million pieces before we even reached the end. Where did it all go wrong? I bring up how i miss being able to be in your presents everyday, spending hours of the night driving around and doing absolutely nothing, i was just happy i got to spend my time with someone that i eventually grew feelings for. It's been a while since I've had genuine feelings for someone. I could've sworn you were it. But realistically, none of it was real. I've fooled myself once again falling for a made up version of you that I've created in my head. Despite the time we've spent and the memories we've made i over stepped the boundaries I've made for myself in my head and went for it. Where did it all go wrong? You were tired of me. Realistically, we were tired of each other. Even as friends, it became toxic, draining, pointless, ect. You didn't like me nor ever did. That's fine, but what the fuck was that? What was the months on months of time and energy given for? Why did you treat me as if i was one of the most important person in your life. Why did you treat me like you value me? Why did you tell me you loved me.. that one cut deeper than anything you've ever said to me. Where did it all go wrong? You started texting one of my "friends".. i'll comment on betrayal in another post, but for now i'll keep it about you. She tells you probably everything and how i truly have felt about you this whole time. This pulls out a certain hatred i never thought existed. I was no longer part of your world anymore.. You walked passed me as if i was a ghost. Nothing mattered anymore when it came to me. In many ways i'm grateful and i thank god for this lesson. You were no good for me, romantically or platonically. Truly i wish you well. I still care about you believe it or not, and i'll be praying for you love. Thank you for this experience.

[d3n4sh1aaaa]

December 18, 2023. 2:05am

It's been a few week since i've wrote about you, and oh boy it's been a time. A lot has happened but also, not enough. Carrying on from my last post, the next day i spend your birthday with you. I had gotten you edibles and a mini tray for your car. You were soso happy. We drove around like we usually do and you seemed so content. You played all of my favorite songs that night. I can write about all of the times we spent together and the moments i'd look at you and feel my heart sink to down to my feet. as time goes by and more days have been spent. There's moments where i spent with you that stick out more then others. We spent everyday together, but this day felt like it was only me and you in the world. I we argued about how we haven't seen each other, and were both victim blaming. You mentioned how you wait for me every night with the small patience that you have, and mentioned if you were to hangout with your work friends, i'd be mad. Following, you called me crazy which i laughed and agreed. We ended up seeing each other after debating. We went to the casino with a bottle of patron. The whole night i was your cheerleader, cheering you on while you killed it in blackjack. You looked at me with the brightest smile every time you won a bet. We were a great team that night. We left and went for a long L ride as you played the playlist you recommended me. As paramore came on, you looked at me and smiled. we jammed, we laughed, we yelled and sang out heart out while driving around for hours. It got late so i brought you home. Another memory, and this was the begining, We drove 35 minutes out to the beach because we talked about watching sunrise together. We jammed and smoked 4 blunts while watching the waves, it was absolutely amazing. It's been a constant battle between me, myself and i, wondering what the fuck went wrong. I find myself dwelling on all the moments we shared where you were just so genuine and so happy to be with me. The thought of your smile and the plenty of laughs we shared devastates me knowing that i'll never have that same version, or better yet person ever again. God, in such little time you meant the world to me. Eventually, i'll write about what went wrong, for now, i'm still trying to figure that out.

[d3n4sh1aaaa]

Monday march 10'th, 2024. 5:23AM

I'm currently at work pulling another overnight, how ironic. Every time i do these shifts i sit and overanalyze my life, but it's always for the better i guess. Tonight I've had a realization about myself. Sometimes i feel so small and suffocated and only limited to certain people/places or things. I hold on to attachments and toxic situations that no longer serve me purpose, just harm to my mental. My fear or loneliness and abandonment had lead me to believe I must not let go or i'll forever be stuck. I met a sweet elderly man today while getting food at my favorite Asian spot. He smelt like apple wood and cherry and looked like he was in a biker gang. He looked over at me and told me i was so beautiful and to not feel weird because he wasn't flirting. I said "thank you so much, i appreciate it!" He then goes on and tells me about the amazing life he's lived, and even at his age now he doesn't find any reason to stop. He goes on to tell me how beautiful life is and to cherish each moment. It honestly felt like and angel had came to me to give me that reminder. Tonight I came into conclusion there's no need to limit myself anymore. There's no need to tolerate inconsistency and judgement. I don't have to be the person that puts all efforts into friendships/relationships anymore. I should be valued enough and appreciated by those around me. I'm tired of tolerating shit because i feel stuck. I want to feel free.

[d3n4sh1aaaa]

December 20th, 2023. 2:56am

Sometimes I get so fixated on the quality’s I value and love in other people, the little details and characteristics that draw me in. But I’ve never took the time to write about myself, introduce myself, the amazing qualities that make me, well.. me. I don’t give myself enough credit and take the time to recongnize how truly an interesting person I could be. Tonight I’d like to introduce me. Write about all the little facts that probably no one has paid attention too. I’ve gotten so used to people lusting over me and seeing only a specific potential where they’ve never invested into who I am. I’d love to write about the positive things along with negative.

Hello, my names denashia

I love writing. I’ve had a deep passion for writing ever since I was 9 years old. I love the beauty in being able to express yourself with using meaningful words.

I love lemon scented and clean linen candles. I get this from my mother of course

I love to sing. I purposely sound horrible infront of people due to my anxiety and fear of judgement. Along with singing, I’m deeply consumed by the art of music. Music has always been my muse. It’s a form of therapy that’s unexplainable. I’m truly big on forming deep connections and bonds with people in my life when it comes to comparing, introducing and sharing favorite artist. Music will always be a huge part of me that I’m deeply passionate about. I may sound dramatic, but there’s moments I feel blessed to be able to listen to a certain song or artist that I feel a connection too. Down to the rhythm and beat, to of course the lyrics. I inspire to write music one day and be as inspirational to others as they’ve inspired me.

I got my first guitar when I was 11 years old. I’ve been playing on and off for years but due to my mental illness I was never able to teach myself more and invest as much as I wanted too.

I love horror films, serial killer documentary’s and anything to do with thriller. I can sit and watch anything to do with those topics for a full day and forget about the world. I’m also a sucker for romance movies.

I love white cheddar snacks. It could be literally anything, if it’s white cheddar I’ve probably had it already

I love reading books about love and healing.

I’m so infatuated on the idea of love. I love the idea of being in love. I find myself craving a type of love I think I’ve honestly never experienced, sometimes it hurts. I know how hard and deeply consumed I’ve been in love but it was never reciprocated. The way I love is harmless, passionate, and beautiful. Romantically or platonically, I’ve given out more love than I’ve ever received. I know once day I’ll eventually be given the love I give out and so much more. I know I deserve that at the least.

My favorite animals are dogs, very basic but I’ll happily interact with a dog before a human.

I’m deeply terrified of any type of insects.

My love languages are touch and giving. I always want to be held or hold onto someone. When I find interest or recognize that I’m starting to have feelings for someone I show it by giving anything and all that I can. I study your favorite things, I’d want to cook your favorite food, bring you to your favorite places, ect. Even as a friend. I love seeing people happy and satisfied.

I love going on long drives with the music on full blast. I find myself driving all along my state alone on days where I’m not working and need to feel something.

I’ll travel for a beautiful scenery. The warmth I feel in my body being able to witness sunrise on an early summer morning is a feeling I long for during the off seasons.

I love the color pink.

One of my long term goals is to become a social worker and help families out of shitty situations.

I love learning about anything that has to do with psychology.

I’ve got my heart broken a total of three times.

I started getting into my spirituality when I was 21.

That’s only a few qualities I’d like to share for now. My next post will be about more of the negative things that come along with me.

[d3n4sh1aaaa]

November 28th, 2023. 5:42am

so to continue, the times at work i come in after you work first shift, you look so tired but bright when you see me. We don't have much time together. But we make plans to see each other later. We still haven't flirted, but that's okay of course. 7 days in a row we've seen each other every night. All we do is drive around and smoke but it feels very nice when i'm with you. We share our favorite songs and sing our heart out without a care in the world. We go to my friends birthday party together, we get drunk and i observed you being in your own world, you just wanted to vibe and listen to music, it was cute. We were so close that whole entire night, i felt safe. On the drive home you mentioned how you appreciate me so much. I asked if you had an genuine people in your life and you said no. i responded; well get used to it. you smiled as we talked about your birthday and i wanted to do something special. You told me you felt like a burden and i said never with me. We pull up to your house, you told me you love me but you need to sleep. I gave you a hug and that was our night. The next day you comment on my friend being cute, which is fine! we're friends, right? i was fuming. i tried my very best to make sure you didn't see how upset i was, but it isn't my place. Now i'm in my head, Maybe he doesn't like me? maybe he see's me as an amazing friend? and hes not used to that. But it doesn't make sense. You don't hangout with just a friend every single day. I'm confused, and im also writing this half awake but its cool. Fuck man.

[d3n4sh1aaaa]

November 27th, 2023. 5:04am

i'm working my last overnight shift of the year, well? maybe. I'm not the typical overnight person but it's been relaxing while it lasted. I don't even know where to start off, i guess the best way to describe how i feel is overwhelmed? scared? nervous.. anxious confused? all of them at once. I've met someone, And it is honestly the most pure of interactions i've ever had with someone in my life. Here's the background; we went to high school together but never actually acknowledged each other. During the peak of covid's arrival i selfishly had a Halloween party and he randomly showed up, i was drunk out of my MIND! you seemed cool, but we still haven't interacted with me. Years go by i see you at the bar. Friendly interaction but i put no thought into it. One random day you messaged me asking if you can work with me because you have experience. At this time i was currently going through multiple loses so i didn't put any thought into hanging with you to celebrate getting hired. I'm distant, but i haven't forgotten our planned smoke session and our first time hanging out, to new co-workers! i'm so excited for the both of us. I was working an overnight and seen you as i walked in the team room and you smiled so hard at me despite how sleepy you actually were. This is the first time i'm seeing you sober, not running into you, fully taking in your presence. I can't even explain already the intense spark i felt instantly when i looked into your eyes. i brush this off. A week later goes by and i finally agree to hanging out with you. I picked you up and we smoked in front of my house. I shared all the crazy tea and stories and expectations to have while working at our job. It was nice. After you had asked to hangout with me a few times but i brushed them under the rug, i didn't want too simply. I folded at this point. Here we are, hanging out with our HS friend talking and vibing. It was a great time. I see you again and we go for an L ride. We drove to a pretty view and talked for a little while and smoked. I observed you being very shy, but thats okay. You're quiet, but its not uncomfortable. I can sit next to you without any issue. We drive back home and get stuck in 2 hour traffic on the high way due to a care being on fire, fuck. I look over at you and you're leaned back, both of our phones die at this point. i leaned back and we both fell asleep. As we wake up we laugh at how long it took, i apologized because i know thats not how he wanted to spend his Saturday night, he said it's not my fault and not for nothing, had a great time. We see each other again, and again, and again. Just smoking and talking, getting to know one another. This night was so special for me. You waited for me to get out of work because you needed a friend, and i was there. we met up at a parking lot and you felt so comfortable telling me your problems. We talked, and you drove me to a pretty view. We shared some deep trauma to each other. We both smiled and agreed is stays between us. i did it, i broke your shell. As we're driving you played a lil peep song and it brought me back to my teenage years. I found my peep match. We both get super excited as we exchange songs. We're driving to my friends house to hangout because the night is still young. As we're sitting next to each other we're even more conversive than we ever were. it felt like it was only me and you in the room. We left and drove back to your car and you looked at me like you didn't want the night to end. I gave you a hug and told you to be safe. The next day, i checked up on you and you called me an angel. I'm gathering you don't have genuine people in your life. You've been hurt before. As days go by i see you after work, maybe even before. We talk about nothing and everything at the same time. We've been hanging out every day at this point, and it feels very nice. i enjoy your company. You say little sweet things that aren't flirtatious but out of kindness, and its sweet to me. I notice the little things that make you happy and also put a huge smile on my face. pt 2-

[d3n4sh1aaaa]

October 8th, 2023. 2:26am

i'm currently at work right now, dwelling of the thought of you. Here i am two years later, writing about you once again. As i sat and thought that i have moved on, i'm am here sitting in a hurt place once again. You reached out to me two weeks ago after a whole year. You said you missed me, and would like to see me. You say you're a changed man though, and your person that you're with treats so you well. You're trying to be good and do well by her, but you can't stop thinking about me. I asked you, "why did you keep my number all this time?" you answered; "I knew i was going to need it eventually, i'll never get rid of it. i'll never be able to let you go." I told you that i moved on and i forgive you.. i told you i didn't think it was fair you had to break me, an innocent soul to do better by the next person. Granted, i told you that i knew you'd be better, do better, even if it wasn't with me, as much as i wished it was. You said in a perfect life it would be me and you even till this day, which is very hard to understand. You became apologetic and continued to try to see me. This is getting inappropriate, even for me. You hit me up again, asking to see me. I caved in, expecting plans to form. You went ghost again like you used to when we were together, initially i thought i was going to have a trauma response, But i didn't. I brushed it under the rug. Today i found out that you're expecting and engaged. Wow, everything happened to fast. I thought since i've moved on from you i thought i wouldn't care, good for you yanno? hope you're happy. False. I'm fighting back tears right now. I'm asking myself why? i'm better now, aren't i? i don't care anymore, right? I'm brought back to you and i. How we talked about me being the love of you life, and that you couldn't wait to have children with me because you always said i'd be such an amazing mother, and we'd do so good together. I'm brought back to when i loved you so unconditionally, where i seen nothing but you in my future. How we swore it would be us in the end, now i'm watching you live the life you promised me. I feel so broken all over again. I know i should've took your words in lightly, but when you are so in love with someone everything they say has meaning, no matter what it is. I find myself broken right now because every soul i encounter, i look for you in them. I look for that comfortability you provided and connection we had. All i've found is disappointment or negative characteristics that they share along with you. I sit here in disparity wondering why once again, why couldn't it have been me? why couldn't i be the one you decided you want to do better for? why am i not good enough? did you ever love me as much as you claimed? was i ever yours? i know the answers, and they've left a permanent scar on me that tends to cut open and bleed when i think of you. I find myself having to stich myself up more often than i used too. I just sent you one last text congratulating you, good luck in life, and i hope you're happy. I don't ever want to hear from you ever again in my life. this is the last time i will ever be writing about you. i'm going to let myself hurt and feel, because my next steps will be grow and heal.

I will be happy.

i will be loved

i will be appreciated.

i am wanted, and i'll be wanted by someone forever when the time comes.

i won't miss you anymore, i won't think about you, you will just be a long lost memory of mine.

I promise you that. Goodbye, David.

[d3n4sh1aaaa]

December 27th, 2021 PT2

despite the bullshit, you came with a shit ton of cons then pro’s but at the moment, it didn't matter. I can admit and say I really love(d) you. there's little moments where I find myself thinking about and missing and holding onto instead of trying to get over all of the hurt and trauma you caused. hearing your name and seeing you pop up on my phone gave me this intense feeling as if I had just met you, it gave me butterflies every time. I started to miss your presence as soon as you would walk out of the room or hop out of my car. your kisses goodbye felt as if they were going to be the last of them every time we would end the night with each other knowing that we were going to see one another the very next day. the rhythm of your breathing as I lay my head on your chest calmed me down every time you would hold me. I still remember the pattern. the way you would look at me in my eyes and smile and pull my face close to yours as if you were looking at the most beautiful thing to exist. we wouldn't have to do anything or say anything and I would feel the most happiest just being next to you. or how about we would put on our favorite billie eilish song and would sing to each other knowing how awful we would sound, but didn't have a care in the world. I would hold you now and play with your hair and admire you as we would lay there watching crazy serial killer documentaries. the moments where we would cuddle on the couch laughing and enjoying each others company with my friends that I consider family watching movies together and smoking staying up till 4am knowing you had work the next morning at 9am but it didn't matter, because you would tell me as long as I'm with you and spending time with you, time wasn't real and every minute we had together was worth it. I cherished the moments where you would come visit me at my job though it wasn't often, as long as I got to see your face and feel the warmth of your presence it made me so happy. Besides making me feel good sexually you made me feel beautiful and appreciated. you made me feel as if i’m worth being your person. You would tell me you love the person I am now compared to the person I used to be. At the moment, you were protective of me and wanted nothing but the best for me, and you told me how happy you were that I had genuine people in my life that love and care about me, and would tell me that you were one of them. All of our parked conversations we’ve had where we would get so deep run though me as if it just happened yesterday. we shared so much together and talked about demons we were fighting but instead of it pushing me away, it made me love you even more. you called me beautiful and gorgeous every single say despite how insecure I was about myself, I started to believe you and you made me grow an ounce of confidence that I never had before. but as I sit here falling for you and everything you do, it was all a lie. when it comes down to it, you showed me someone who really never existed. you built a bond between us that ended up being crushed because you weren’t genuine with me. you dragged me along and made me love someone who was practically a ghost. you lied to me about how you felt, what you wanted and about caring about me. all of our amazing moments together, our little conversations and the times I thought you also cherished didn’t mean a thing to you. I let you lie and manipulate me for almost two years. the last thing you said to me was “its okay if you hate me” but you know what, honestly? I don’t hate you. you've chewed me up and spit me up more than anyone has my whole life and put me at the lowest I could be. you would think I hate you, but the harsh reality is I could never hate you, and I never will hate you. because again as I sit here reminiscing about us and our memories, they still mean the absolute world to me and you're someone I've shared a huge piece of me. I can’t take any of that back. so no, its not okay if I hate you. me hating you would only make me want you even more. here it is three months since all communication has been cut off and I'm slowly healing but its so hard getting by without hearing the sound of your voice or seeing your “good morning beautiful” text. after everything's been said and done, I can’t say anything but thank you. I want to thank you for showing me that I know that I'm solid and a hard lover, that I'm nothing but genuine and deserve nothing but the world. that there's men like you that I'll run into but recognize red signs early to where I don’t get stuck in such a shitty prolonged situation like I was with you. I'm still healing but I know my worth which I'm so grateful for. so thank you. and I'm not mad at you, I'm not disappointed or shocked anymore. I wish you best of luck in life and really hope you grow as a person. you have such good potential to be a good person and a amazing soul mate to someone and can truly make a girl as happy as can be. but you need work, you need self love and you need to fight these internal battles with yourself that makes you flawed. one day you'll recognize all your wrongs and feel sorry for yourself, and when that day comes I hope you grow and flourish into the amazing person you're destined to be. and to end this, I still love you and there isn't one passing day where I don’t think about you and how this worlds treating you. if you started any recognition with yourself or if you still need time. If you think about me and us or anything we’ve shared together just as much as I do. if not, that's okay. you’ll always have a place in my heart and I'll always care for you as if you were still in my life. I wish you well and nothing but the best my love. x

[d3n4sh1aaaa]

December 27th, 2021.

I can’t even get into or cover everything that has happened. but all I can explain is currently how im feeling, how im healing, how im growing. well, at least trying. some days I feel like its me against the world and im absolutely winning, other days im losing and feel like im losing myself. I have my days where I wanna do everything and be involved in anything and everything. I feel as if nothing can stop me. then the next day I find myself waking up and first thing I do is say to myself; “I'm depressed.” I don’t want to get out of bed, I don’t want to eat or engage in any human contact. I sit there, stuck in my head not really having valid reasons as to why I feel the way I do. I sit there thinking about the past and the trauma that I endured this year as a whole and it makes me feel numb. I went through tough losses and heartbreak this year that I'm trying to heal from. but the question is, when will I know im progressing? will I wake up one day and everything that has happened to me, will it stop hurting? will I think about it as a distant memory instead of something that I feel so heavily on my chest everyday? I romanticize about myself and being in such a better and clear state of mind. at peace and healed from all the hurt I had to suffer from. it keeps me going and makes me believe there's hope for me to be a better me. I started to really focus on my spirituality as a whole and realized I'm on my spiritual journey and have been this whole time, and had a whole totally different prospective on how this shit works. its not all peace and positivity. it comes with a lot of self reflection and self hate, learning how to slowly love yourself and respect yourself(which I'm still learning how to do.) it comes with losing people who you would have never thought you needed to lose. it comes with feeling at your lowest and coming up from there. compared to the old me, I defiantly have this whole new appreciation towards life that I can’t explain. I used to hate being alive and not caring for a thing in the world. but ever since I've been on this journey its the little things in life that I fell in love with and that I appreciate more than anything. its the moments with the people I love that keep me going and growing and keeps me wondering what else in life is next for me. as im on this journey I'm ready to really find out the person I'm meant to be.

[d3n4sh1aaaa]

November 16th, 2020. 6:10pm

7 long months of my life wasted on you. I know for a fact that you're finally gone, and as I should feel relieved from the pain you put me through and that its no longer going to continue; I feel hurt. I feel heartbroken, I feel lonely, and I fucking miss you. I would have never thought that, that was the last time I was going to see you, that was the last time I was going to kiss you, that was the last time I was going to be held by you.. the last time we were going to be in your car parked listening to the playlist we made together on repeat while holding hands. the last time were going to smile and talk about how we couldn't listen to certain songs on our own without thinking of each other.. the last time we would sit there and watch our favorite shows that we recommended to each other. you’ve truly taught me a lot these past few months. and that's something I truly am grateful for though lessons have been learned and damage has been done, none of the pain you've caused will make me forgive and forget about you. it makes me miss you/want you more. i just don’t don't understand. why did you spend all night trying to convince me that you cared if you were just going to leave anyway? what was the fucking point? you would look at me like I meant something to you.. I thought I did. I just wonder what I could've done to be enough for you. im starting to think maybe I can’t let go of the feelings and love that I have for you because that's all that I have left of, us. I guess I was just something while you were my everything. the worst part of all of this, I still think you are a good person. and I wish you well..

[d3n4sh1aaaa]

August 2nd, 2020 12:37am

The first night we ever met up keeps running through my head constantly. You picked me up and we drove to the local McDonald’s near both of our houses, we sat and parked for hours and catched up on everything that’s been going on in our lives. The moment I knew that I was going to fall for you is when you looked at me in my eyes for a solid second and smiled. I got overwhelmed with the way you gently placed your hand on my leg as we smoked and shared a lot of laughs. I remembered something I always admired about you while just knowing you is that you were so funny. You kissed me slowly and I had to stop because my heart was beating so fast.. I started shaking because I was so nervous. You grabbed my face and calmed me down right away. For some reason you affected me in a way that I’d never imagine. You hurt me more than anyone else has ever hurt me. You used me, manipulated me, embarrassed me, confused me, lied to me, etc. but for some reason I can’t bring myself to forget you or hate you like I should. I reminisce the times where you would pick me up and we would drive around holding hands listening to our favorite songs, the one time where we drive for hours jamming out and you looked at me and just smiled. You didn’t want to let go no matter how sweaty my hand got, you didn’t care. It wasn’t always just sex with us, no matter how amazing and beautiful it was, it was so much more than that. I wish I can fucking hate you but I miss you so much. I miss the way you would look at me, I miss waking up next to you also every morning. I miss the way you’d come over and build relationships with the people I love the most. Though you didn’t mean anything you did or say, it made a big impact on me. You were very important to me. You became my person, and I haven’t had one in over three years. You’ve made me cry more times than I can imagine, you’ve torn me down and made me become someone that I am not. I should have not let you have that much power over me. Even till this day, my heart aches because of you. It aches trying to forget how you said you wouldn’t leave me again. Or how you’re afraid that I might let you go.. I feel so stuck and out of place because of you. We weren’t together for long but we shared so much during our time, and it fucking hurts me and makes me sick to my stomach how much I still feel for you. Part of me is still waiting for that one text, I’m waiting for you to tell me you miss me and you want to try this all over again. I want you to come back and never let me go. But I know for a fact I am better without you. I will be okay eventually, I just wish things were different, you were different. I just want you out of my head, my heart. I can’t let you go and I’m unsure why.

[d3n4sh1aaaa]

[d3n4sh1aaaa]

May 20, 2020  1:30am

as I sit here and think what my life consist of and has came to, it saddens me. I've came to the realization that I don’t think I've ever had a stable friendship/relationship. Everyone that's in my life/were in my life has hurt me in so many different ways I cannot think of. As much love as I give out to those around me I don’t think I've ever received the same exact energy. I know the kind of love I give out and the kind of friend I am, I love way too hard and care more than I should and that's where I fuck up. As much as I do love the people who remain in my life till this day, each and every one of them has hurt me in their own little ways. My biggest problem is letting go of the past pain I've been through, forgive and forget has always been a struggle of mine. Its so hard for me. I’d love to move on and forget all of the shitty moments I've had with the people I've loved so much.. My mind, body and soul would be so at ease. Theres so much hate and pain just this year alone and we’re only 5 months in. I’m still trying to heal from all of the heartbreak from losing some of my people, its fucking hard. and no one understands that. I’m either too dramatic or being overly sensitive about the situation, but I'm really not. You put so many years and energy into people just to get shit on in the end. it hurts.. so much. I’ve never been a strong person to begin with, all the bullshit I've had to deal with over the years just keeps piling and piling. I wake up and my chest feels like its caved in. My depression has been at the worst its been in Years. I'm so physically, emotionally and mentally drained from everything that's happened over the past few years, and what continues to happen now. I’m 20 years old and I feel so lost and alone. I have these goals to be happy and stable. I’m just not sure the exact steps I need to take to get there you know? I know I need to start with self love, self care, less hate, and more forgiving towards myself. it’s just so fucking hard man. doing this alone doesn't help my case either. I know u have some people who will support me and love me but at the same time, I don’t know why I feel so alone in this.