dailypigeonpost-blog

[dailypigeonpost-blog]

I have not posted here in nearly two years, its funny how much of the same person i am even despite that. I want to start using this again. Im very excited to be a camp lifegaurd this year. Whenever i work out i try and think about what it will be like to be a cute lifegaurd. I got a callic on my hand today out of no where but that is good. I hope to build callics on my hands and weight lift more so by summer i can complete the ropes course at camp and impress everyone at orientation. I think about camp almost too much but its my coping mechanism. Im trying to loose weight again and i think it will work this time, not to jinx it or anything though. Its currently 11 : 52 and honest i cant sleep. I never sleep much anymore and i know its bad for me but i cant help it. Funnily enough i spend every night reading a new fanfiction. I usually give myself 2 hours for that. Its always Reddie, as it makes me very happy to read. Tonight i read a stripper richie AU fanfic and it made my heart soar as the ending was fantastic. I started writing fanfictions myself and that makes me very happy. I think im pretty good at writing and hope to take up orginal writing one day. My stomach cuts are starting to heal but i fear they will scar. Im not sad and i know i shouldnt self harm right now but at the same time its addicting. Blood feels good and the small noise the blade makes against my skin. I want to say “mmmm” when i think about it. It feels,,, yummy. Ive never had a kiss i want to melt into like they say in fanfiction. Ive kisses girls i liked alot but it was never magic or passionate. I hope to meet someone who im passionate with. Want someone to hold the small of my back and kiss me hard against a wall. Sounds nice. Cant stop thinking about cutting though. Who knew one week clean would be so fucking hard. I wanted to say god damn hard but i didnt but i swore i wouldnt delete any part of this so here i go, continueing on. I often ponder when i will loose my virginity and if i will like it. I try to mastrubate but feel absolutely nothing. But when someone else touched me its different. Sometimes at night i pretend to cuddle tara, i have no feelings for her in a romantic or sexual way but she is warm and nice and makes me feel safe in her arms. When im at taras house she wont let me snuggle her unless her parents are asleep but even then shes cautious. This makes me wonder things. Like why does she hide it? We are just friends after all shouldnt her parents understand? My nose is often dry and i sneeze blood. My least favorite parts of my body are my upper arms and lower stomach. I found a grub yesterday and he was cute and squishy. I resisted the urge to eat him and that scares me. Why do i want to eat bugs and why do i still want that even as im typing this. I often feel like an extremely broken human. Furry drama broke out and i got accused of being a pedophile because i ship aged up maxvid. I think i only ship that because i have had a crush on my counselor since i was 13 and now im 16. Its embarressing. It also got leaked that i used to send nudes to strange men online. I dont know what was wrong with me. As i said, im a broken person. I think its because i hate myself and i am so lonely. But i am a lesbian and it scares me that i did that. I think for me with women it must be emotional. With men i just like to feel wanted sexually only. But i never want to have sex with a man. But now that i think about it being sexually desired by a man feels scary and wrong aswell. I dont know who i am. I am a lesbian i know that. Thats the only thing i know anymore. Im a lesbian and i like art. Other than that my identity is pretty up in the air for now. Right now i like bones and dolls and carebears but one day i might like something new. Im at 1% gtg

[dailypigeonpost-blog]

I fear going to sleep

For I never know if I will wake up in the morning.

[dailypigeonpost-blog]

Late night thoughts #1

It is currently 2:09 am as I am writing this. Milkshake (my smaller white dog) is laying in bed beside me asleep. My other dog was here for a while until he jumped off after hearing a noise. I’ve been staying up awfully late these past weeks. It started out as something as innocent as 1am and now I am usually up until 3 or 4. I often sleep in until 2 in the afternoon or later (once even 5). It is nice however it is making me grow depressed (most likely because it is throwing off my depression medicine pill cycle). I oddly miss waking up at 5:30 to catch the bus and go to school. But school will start again soon enough. This is my first year of high school, how fun. I am excited and don’t think it will be too bad (after all what can top the misery that was last year). My stomach and elbow itch all of a sudden, hm. On a more depressing note I cut myself of the first time, two days ago. On my upper right thigh there are now random marks etched into my skin. I want to do it more but I restrain myself due to the fact I know my mother will find my scars. It is nice to have parents who care so much but sometimes I wish they didn’t. I wish that they were like most of the aloof parents of the kids at school. That way I could cut, smoke week, sneak out, and do all sorts of dumb shit without them noticing. It would be fun… I want to smoke weed but I know it would make my anxiety off the charts and that would be scary. I watched the movie “The color purple” for the first time today. Just like every movie I did not cry however I did tear up a lot of the time. I wish I could cry at movies but I know my mind just does not work that way. I always have to hold sadness in until it it all comes out in one big burst. I don’t hold it in consciously, I do it without trying, it’s just the way I work I guess. It is now 2:19, I have been writing for 10 minutes, how funny. My right hand has gone numb from holding up this phone screen and my nose has started to itch. Let me rest my hand for a moment. The blood has rushed back into now. At night I often think of my worth as a human. My worth to myself. Life always ends, it’s the one truth in this world, that’s why I want to spend all my days with a purpose before it’s too late. However I often forget this and I waste them away, laying on the couch doing nothing but waiting for sleep and a new day to pass. I hate that about myself. I tried to start painting again yesterday. It was nice and I plan to continue it. I want to get better at painting. The other day I was running blackberries stomach and I felt his rib cage. It’s odd to think about anatomy, like , REALLY think about it. We look at skeletons and organs and never really think about them as being Inside us at that exact moment. You know they are there but you don’t ACTUALLY realize that they are. Rib cages remind me of those blue plastic tubes that you can climb in on playscapes . The thought that I could kill myself or anything else at any moment is more than slightly terrifying. I could alter my whole life in just a manor of seconds. The world is odd. I pray to live through another night. Goodnight.