dailywithaly

[dailywithaly]

Feb 8, 2020

I’m fucking tired of Ryan’s family. I fucking hate how eric always tries to “one up” ryan and always talks shit about him. I hate how his mom doesn’t appreciate him enough. I honestly wish that he was given the same love and credit as his older brother and younger brother. It’s fucking ridiculous.

[dailywithaly]

January 26, 2020

All I wanted to do was mourn about Kobe Bryant by eating my sorrows away with some ice cream... until I find out that someone tossed my gifted cookies and cream ice cream from the freezer.

It’s really tough living in ryans home because I know that I try to hold my part up and help around the house (noticeably or secretly), but I can’t seem to understand why it’s okay for other people to toss something that’s not theirs without informing anyone.

I want to awknowledge that it’s just the courtesy of informing another person about something especially because it’s not yours... it’s so disappointing to just find out after being sad the whole day. I don’t even know if I’m allowed to be mad or to even be upset of the fact that my ice cream was tossed when I’m not living in my own home or using my own freezer... but i am trying to understand it and I am trying to process it in a way where I am trying not to make a big deal out of it.. I’m just trying.

[dailywithaly]

January 19, 2020

I’m still so frustrated at how my life has been unfolding. Personally, I haven’t been the best version of myself. I feel myself filling with more anger, hatred and jealousy as the days pass by. Romantically, I find myself wanting more than what ryan can offer to me and I am avoiding the fact that I am becoming toxic to him. Friendship wise, I find myself comparing, feeling unaccomplished and falling behind. Family wise, I find myself losing hope that I’ll ever forgive my family and constantly wishing the worst for them due to what they’ve put me through. Is it me or is this a sign of self-destruction?

It’s so painful to reflect back on how exactly I feel and to be frank, I haven’t been fully honest with myself these past few years. I truly am unhappy. Life has just thrown me so many curve balls that I can’t seem to persist past the hardships and rather fall into a deep hole. It’s unfortunate that I have no control over my life, it’s just truly sad. I come home everyday after work even angrier than the day before. I’m not happy with ryan. Not because of the person he is, but the circumstance that we’re in. We live under his mom’s roof, we are both not financially stable, we are unhealthy, we are complacent and comfortable with where we’re at..... I know I’ve been saying “we” but the matter of fact, I am not satisfied with this life situation.

I want to move out of ryans moms place, I want to share a bedroom with my future life long partner rather than sleeping in separate rooms and seperate beds, I want to move away from his annoying younger brother (who in my eyes is one of the most cockiest people I have ever met, who flaunts alllll his stuff and ensures that he is on a high horse compared to ryan, who happens to have a bad taste in girls because the girl he’s with knows no boundaries and is an idiot, enough about him, back to my list), I want to be able to start cooking for myself without the judgement and pressure of having to feed someone else, I want to have my own car (it’s so frustrating that I still drive my moms van.... I was never gifted a car when I graduated high school or undergrad or gradschool and quite frankly that’s just kinda sad.... I wished my parents and my family in general loved me enough to invest in me. Lately I haven’t been feeling like myself because no one, not even me, is willing to invest in my abilities and capabilities), I want to consistently go to the gym, I want to relax and read and invite friends over at my own place without the need to ask for permission, I want to travel, I want to make plans with everyone, I want to go out without the thought of a unsaid curfew, I want to be away from all the family stress that I’m starting to feel growing in me, I want to go to Disneyland and make my mom’s money worth the monthly payments she’s been doing for me and ryan, I want to grow and become a plant mom, I want a dog, I want a bigger bed (although I’m grateful for the bed and home I am lucky to live in and under, I still feel like I deserve better. Is it the entitled and spoiled personality talking? Probably. It’s quite challenging), I want a room that is just full of my stuff and not shared with others, I want real furniture not plastic or cheap ones, I want to hang photos up of ryan and I, I want to go on roadtrips, I want to see my friends every weekend, I want to be less stressed at work, I want to eat healthy, I want to lose weight (I’ve gained so much weight and it’s not even the fact that I’ve been inactive, I truly believe it’s stress and all the stress eating I’ve been doing), I want my stuff out of the storage because I feel like they are all getting rotten and eaten by mice as the day goes by, I want to follow through with travel plans and just general plans with friends, I want to pass my law and ethics exam, I want to stay consistent, I want to be a good friend, I want to cap my brothers more, I want newer and nicer clothes (I want to look good and feel good in the clothes I wear), I want to beat and egg ryans neighbors and their cars for never leaving room space for me on the curb to park on, I want to scream to the world that I’m so unsatisfied, I want to have plans every weekend, I want to travel somewhere new once a month, I want to go to the Philippines in July to see my family, I want to live everyone’s lives and not mine. I just want to be happy......

[dailywithaly]

January 18,2020

Haven’t blogged in a long time and I’ve decided that I’ll attempt to try to express my emotions more on here like I used to. Reflecting back on a lot of the things I didn’t even blog about:

Self: I received my masters in social work and I am currently a mental health therapist for a non profit mental health agency called Mending Matters and I’m located at El Cajon Valley High School everyday of the week. I’m still learning, I’m still growing and I am still attempting to get rid of this imposter syndrome that I feel every day. It’s crazy that I know I love working with youth and with students, but lately (especially coming back from winter break, It’s been more apparent) I’ve been feeling it more often. I feel so incompetent, inadequate and simply in the wrong field. And I don’t know if that’s because I’m constantly doubting myself and I have gained back this low self- esteem feelings about my capabilities. Regardless, I am hopeful. Hoping that I continue to learn and grow into this profession. I hope that I don’t give up and to keep going especially when things are tough, similar to this past week. I am undoubtedly so nervous and anxious everyday I come to work and I guess that comes with the work and the field that I entered, but I enjoy helping empower students and destigmatizing the idea of asking for help and getting therapy. Speaking of therapy, I have been wanting to seek out a therapist but my work medical insurance is too expensive to just try and schedule and per session. I am in so much debt, credit cards and student loans and I honestly don’t know how to get myself out of that whole. Granted, I am part of the reason why I am in so much debt but I know i am not the sole person to blame for that. Which I’m struggling understanding and accepting everytime I only have $30 in my bank account the same week I just got paid.... ive been struggling so much with my own well-being. It’s so odd that as I assist students with their well-being, but I can’t seem to be in equilibrium with my own life. I am what you call, a mess.... I have been in debt (deep debt) since 2016 or 2017.... and it’s 2020.... how did I get myself into almost 100,000 in debt (okay that’s an exaggeration, but I am 50,000+ in debt with loans and 38,000ish in debt with my credit cards) and I can’t seem to maintain a savings account. What happened to me? I really don’t know. I outwardly like to blame ryan, but i find myself feeling bad doing that. I outwardly put the blame on whoever is giving me shxt or is making me struggle, but I know I shouldn’t be. I have no right and i am in no position to be doing that. I need a lot of work and I don’t know how to start working on myself when I ended 2019 and started 2020 soooo effing sick.... I honestly think it’s the stress and how unhealthy I’ve been. So physically, I’ve gained probably 40 pounds more than how much I weighed prior to starting GradSchool. In the span of just 2 years, I am in the worst shape of my life. My stomach is always hanging, I have love handles, I don’t feel good about myself (ever), I can’t fit in any of my clothes, I don’t look good in bathing suites, I can’t workout consistently.... I don’t know what to do, I always say I want a personal trainer, but I can’t afford that and how committed will I really be at this point when I can’t even commit to taking care of myself in other ways.... aaaah, I think I’ll wrap my self update with.... I feel shitty about how and who I’m becoming, personally and professionally....

Romantic Relationship: I have been with ryan for 5 years now. We celebrated 5 years in October 1,2019. It’s crazy to think that it’s been 5 years of life experiences with my man. Honestly, it’s been good and bad, equally. We’ve traveled to many places (various states and internationally, and even a cruise), we’ve done crazy things (like skydive), we’ve both survived school post-Berkeley (yay MSW and nursing school). We’ve also been living with each other for 3 years under his mom’s house (whom I will always be thankful for). Side note: ryans family provided me with a different light since I got kicked out of my grandmas house. They gave me a family that I wish I was born into, they gave me a mom that cares about me just the same amount as my own mom, they gave me similar aged cousins that I wished I closely grew up with, they gave me a home. Anywaaaays, although I like to publicly claim and state that ryan and I ate at a good and healthy place, I sometimes think that we’re not. I find myself easily getting irritated lately, we’ve been getting into arguments that are useless and unnecessary. I’ve been less lovey, and just more angry. I guess you can say the amount of money that he owes me and the patience I’ve endured in this relationship is growing thin. Ever since ryan gave up the idea of going to MedSchool and changing his career path to being a Nurse has been such a plot twist. Ryan settled, and I just wished he saw the potential I saw in him. Honestly, living together for 3 years has challenged us in so many ways. I’ve learned that we live differently: I’m organized and clean, while ryan is messy, I’m lazy and ryan is inconsistent, I don’t know how to cook and ryan cooks all the time, I like to clean and wash the dishes, ryan likes to do the laundry and dislikes leftovers, I like to read and be out, ryan likes to stay at home and watch sports. Granted some of these things we both share, but i don’t know. There’s something about living with each other (under his moms roof) that has put such a strain in our relationship. Fast forward, lately ryan finished nursing school (woohoo!) and he has been studying for his NCLEX exam, which forces me to not make plans and to stay home and be patient... with that, Ryan’s career and job is still unknown. I’m not a big fan of not having control over my life and it’s crazy that I wish I can control ryans..... I want to do so much this 2020 and to go to so many places..... but I’m crippled.... financially and partnership wise. I find myself feeling more frustrated as I thing forward or even reflect on what I really spend with my time... I haven’t been feeling motivated to passion planner, I haven’t been feeling motivated to stay on top of work documentation, I haven’t been feeling motivated to eat healthy or work out and I’m not sure if it’s because ryan is in no way able to help keep me motivated.... I feel like I’ve become intoxicating in this relationship. Controlling, mantipulative, and rude.... three words that I can’t admit verbally, but I am aware of and I have been pondering about.... I’m neither happy or sad.... I’m just going with the flow.

Friends: as my relationship with ryan has gotten longer, my friend circle has gotten smaller. I honestly don’t have a person to call best friend at this moment in life because ryan has become that person. However, I’ve come to realize that I can’t keep up with everyone that I want to, I can’t checkin with everyone that I would love to chat and catch up with. Not much updates... maybe in my next blog I’ll be able to reflect more about my friendships.

Family: similar to my friends section, I feel that I’m so drained discussing about my struggles personally and with ryan that I have no energy to discuss friends and family. So I will do that next time.

Additionally, I’m not making excuses about not being able to reflect, I’ve just been sick with a runny nose, body aches and rough cough that is making me not discus it.

[dailywithaly]

25 things to do before I turn 26

25 things to do before I turn 26

- dye my hair

- go zip lining

- Go kayaking

- Go parasailing

- Go paragliding

- Go snorkeling

- Go scuba diving

- Go on a road trip

- Go snow boarding

- Visit Zion

- Visit Grand Canyon

- Visit seven mountains

- Go to a shooting range (gun range San Diego)

- Jump off a cliff

- Run a marathon or a 5k

- Go on/ride a hot air balloon

- Go horseback riding

- go whale watching

- Go surfing

- Swim with dolphins

- Go paintballing

- Swim with seaturtles

- Travel to a new city

- Travel internationally

- Travel to a new state

[dailywithaly]

Financial Reflection

It’s funny how people never tell others that you financially help them but when I personally need assistance they’re not even there.

I honestly feel like I’m taking care of two kids, my mom and Ryan. Why am I trying to support two people who don’t know how to obviously handle their own money and that have received so much financial help from me.

It frustrates me because I’m pretty damn sure that if I just lived on my own and didn’t help Ryan or my mom with anything, I would be financially okay. It’s craaaaazy how neither one of them have mentioned how much I’ve helped them.....it hurts.

[dailywithaly]

12/26

Omg Auntie is so hilarious, she literally made fun of Lei’s gift for her this Christmas (in addition to her basic gifts for auntie’s birthday just a month ago). Anyways, it’s funny that Eric has to defend and reason for her gifts rather than just being validated by auntie.

Aaaah, I’m honestly bitter bc I spend so much for Eric during birthdays and Christmas... and I’m so mad that this year, combined with Lei, they only got me a damn mask (which Lei was just replacing bc she lost mine during coachella) and a damn jacket....

I don’t fucking understand and I know how to tell Ryan I’m so upset. I think I’m going to tell her through text than in person bc last night he didn’t have enough time to really listen to me bc he would have rather play league with fucking Eric. Ugh I’m still so upset about this holiday season.. but what’s different, I’ve always hated the holiday season since things fell apart with my family. Eh, the end of my rant.

[dailywithaly]

Christmas 2017

Sometimes i feel like the holidays are only reminders of my lonesome and dysfunctional life.

I honestly don’t belong anywhere and have no one to completely make me feel welcomed and cared for.

It’s crazy how

[dailywithaly]

Dec.24.2017

I honestly just want to start a new life.... like I have never felt so damn low in my life.

I have never been in such a financial burden... granted, I’ve been spending a lot of money lately traveling and purchasing things for others... but honestly, I’m not going to solely blame myself. My mom and Ryan have put me into such debt and they don’t know how much they both stress me out. I feel like I’m taking care of two kids when they’re not even my kids...

It makes me sad that my credit has gone from high 700s to mid 600s in a span of a year. It baffles me, really. I used to be so damn good with my money until Ryan and I moved to SD. It honestly sucked having to pay for so much of OUR shit for almost 2 years. Yeah, he pays for things now... but it doesn’t accumulate to how much I had and still am suffering because of the almost one yr he didn’t have a job and then when he decided to become a CNA and when I co-signed for his car, it fucking just skyrocketed my damn credit card bills...

How am I supposed to buy my own car now, how am I going to get my credit high enough to buy my own house or to even rent my own place, this fucking sucks so much.

Ugh honestly, I live such a shitty life with sucky people in it. I’m such a debbie downer on this supposedly “jolly” season and I just wanna get away, want to toss everything I own away, want to start a new.

[dailywithaly]

‪I feel so discouraged when my ideas are never taken into consideration. Don’t expect me to repeat myself or to say other ideas for you to just reject.‬

[dailywithaly]

I hate the fucking holidays, it’s nothing but stress and bullshit. I’m so over my fucking mom being so damn selfish and so damn stupid. She doesn’t know how to read cues or help for shit.

I hate how reckless or unthoughtful ryan is. Honestly, lately, everything he’s been doing has been annoying the shit out of me

[dailywithaly]

Some things never change ☺️❤️

[dailywithaly]

Auntie Luz

Seriously, I cannot process how close I've gotten with Auntie Luz. She calls me anak ko, buys me clothes, cooks for me, everything. It's amazing and scary at the same time. I don't even want to lose her trust and don't ever want to get on her bad side. I've been so blessed to have a second mom like her. Even though ryan and I aren't married yet, I've found a second mom in her and would not mind calling her mom one day.

[dailywithaly]

Places I want to visit with Babe

In San Diego - Suspensory Bridge - 25th street bridge - Adobe falls - La Jolla Shores - Sea World - San Diego Zoo - San Diego Zoo Safari - Cabrillo National Monument - Old Town - Point Loma - Liberty Public Market in Point Loma ✔️ - Birch Aquarium - Torrey Pines National Reserve✔️ - La Jolla Cove - Old Point Loma light house - Mission Trails - Aquatica - USS Midway Museum - Gaslamp Quarter - Japanese Friendship Garden✔️ - Petco Park  - Coronado ✔️ - Mt. Soledad ✔️ - Potato Chip Rock ✔️ - Cowles Mt ✔️ - Balboa Park ✔️ - Sunset Cliffs ✔️

Places to eat at in SD - Tender Greens✔️ - Hammond’s Gourmet Ice Cream

Outside San Diego - Salvation Mountain

[dailywithaly]

2017 Reflections

I realized that life is full of twists and turns but the only way to improve and move forward is through reflections. I will attempt to do monthly reflections for the year of 2017 in hope that I will record the memories, the challenges and the lessons I will be learning throughout the year. Indeed, I use my passion monthly reflections questions, however, the space given is not enough. I find it important to write down as much as I can as I want to continue to grow and learn from the experience that are yet to come. Here's to a new habit for a better year and a better me. Wish me luck.

[dailywithaly]

2017

I have a strong feeling 2017 is gonna be such a fun year

Jan - Universal Trip with family - Ali Wong Show - Disneyland Trips - UB College Trip to UCR and CSU SB - Start my statistics class

Feb - Carnival Cruise with Alido family - Monterey Bay with PCI family

March - babe’s birthday - (hear back from schools)

April - lantern festival - Mama’s birthday - Coachella 2017!!!

May - Vegas for Eric’s birthday - go to Berkeley for graduations

June - EDC (?) - Renew Disney Annual Pass (?)

July - Philippines (?)

Aug - Philippines (?)

Sept - (hopefully start school?)

Oct - 3 year anni (visit new city)

Nov - Thanksgiving - Pay off Chase CC!!

Dec - 25th birthday!!! - Annual Dates: 12/26 and Ice Skating - Christmas

[dailywithaly]