damnineedabreak

[damnineedabreak]

Why are you staring at me like that?

What is it?

What do you need? What is happening?

What's wrong?

Why are you staring at me like that?

I can't figure it out. Even after smoking a morning joint and getting all reptilian, I don't get why she's staring at me like that.

Did I do something? Did I not do something?

Why are you staring at me like that?

Take it easy, little one. It's 9 am there's no reason to be feeling like you are. What's going on?

I think she doesn't want to talk.

It's fine. Here, take a hit and let's play some music.

But she's still staring at me with this blue look on her face.

Why are you staring at me like that?

Fuck. I shouldn't look at the mirror for this long.

[damnineedabreak]

Why is it that I always believe the best from people, or expect Thay horrible people will change with me?

It's like I'm constantly begging to be treated like shit.

He's made me cry twice already. Both times out of humiliation.

[damnineedabreak]

I'm sick

I'm sick of pretending I'm not hurt.

I'm sick of always getting hurt by the same kind of guy with the same kind of situation.

I'm sick of always believing things could be different.

I'm sick of changing myself for guys that hurt me over and over again.

I'm sick of settling for (not even) the bare minimum.

I'm sick of my fake friends. I'm sick of people.

I'm sick of crying and then feeling ridiculous for having cried for an imbecile.

I'm sick of crying for things that make me feel so stupid.

I'm sick of holding back the tears, because I'm chill.

I'm sick of holding back my anger because I can't complain because I knew the kind of guy I was getting obsessed with and the kind of friends I hang out with.

I'm sick of guys choosing 10 cheap drinks with random people instead of a night with me.

I'm sick of dudes.

I'm sick of dudes.

[damnineedabreak]

Junior

When Junior was walking down the street he saw a little dog crying. I think that's what made him go into the deep blues that followed that day.

It was always a trigger, it was always a thing that seemed insignificant what made him go in to a downward spiral.

"What the fuck." He said to himself. And I understand what he means, and I think you do too. Sudden wave of sadness in the middle of breakfast with mom.

He spent the rest of the day going numb until he finally got to be home by himself, played Mac Miller's top sad existencial songs and laid down in bed crying nonstop for about an hour.

We think that he has a new problem now. Weed is making him apathetic and isolated. He says he's just chilling, but we can totally tell he is trapped.

"Why is living so complicated for me?" I heard Junior saying.

Bitch is he for real? The thing that bothers me the most about Junior is his fucking self-pity. For Christ sake.

Maybe I should be nicer, after all, we've read enough self help books to know that I should treat Junior with compassion. Because, after all, the guy's still a scared little boy trying his best to fit in adulthood. But sometimes I see him and I wonder, is he fucked? I've seen him trying so many things to improve, "get better", evolve, transcend, be in peace. Nothing seems to work for him, so I wonder, is he really so fucked up in the head that nothing brings a little sooth for his soul.

I asked him once "What's hurting dude?" but I don't think he trusts me enough to tell me. He sends me songs though. He can't speak about his feelings through words but I've known him for so long that I can read him by listening to what he's listening too.

I wonder why he's so fucked up. I know he had a not so good childhood and teenage years but he seems so different. It's like everything he is, he is halfway. Or better said, I think he is so many things that he can't be one alone, so I can't figure him out. I guess that's why he's such a lonely person.

I told him his heavy weed use was making him a weirdo. He replied with a smile. Fucking weirdo.

I don't think. he cares enough to change it. After all, he has a point: a) he thinks that if he leaves weed he can go on a bender on heavy drugs and ruin his life (which is totally possible for a guy like him), or b) It does manage his hyperactivity, hyper vigilance, chronic fucking stress over everything and don't allow yourself to rest vibe.

He knows weed made him a bitter loner but he seems so comfortable there. He found some sort of new dopamine releaser in introspection. For some time it made him feel great until he realized he couldn't live in his head, once again. Going back to people, going back to society, meeting new people, trying new things were now a burden. All he wanted to do was to go home and smoke by himself, with some really good music. I love his music taste it's so deep and emotional and rare.

"Fuck everyone", he say's about 40 times each day. He really hates people, I even heard him say once that he thought Hitler did what any rational person would do, get rid of the garbage, except that hitler chose the wrong target. He said target should've been stupid people.

"The fuck is wrong with you man? What you mean Hitler was right?" I told him while hitting the joint at his place. "I don't get why you're so angry at the world, you are rich." He just laughed and lit another joint. Fucking guy is evasive as fuck. He is one of the smartest people I know but he can't get past the first wall of feeling. I don't think he even knows what it feels to just feel, like naturally, not thinking about a feeling but actually feeling. No wonder he's so angry at the world.

I think he's stuck somewhere inside his mind, I just don't know where. Why did he get bad again?

[damnineedabreak]

I can do anything, except manage my feelings.

Last night I had a dream about this guy. In my dream we were so close to getting laid, but it just could never happen. I woke up so frustrated and wanted to have sex with him. The thing is, whenever I can't have something, that's when I want it the most. And I feel so cliché and daddy issues girly whenever I feel like this but I'm serious, it's like an obsession.

It turns in to a game for me, my mind goes into analyzing and figuring out how to get what I want.

Simple things have always been so hard for me. Of course, if you ask a therapist, or if you ask myself (im obsessed with self improvement and introspection), it would be clear. As simple as math: You grow up in a chaotic place, chaos is what you know. Not too complicated, until it becomes personal. When the psychologic theory moves from a theory and goes in to a single person individual experience, then it's complicated as fuck.

But this is not the time to speak about how chaos creates chaos. Sad part is im not even chaotic. I'm a perfect A+ adult. I have a job, I own a place, I own a car, I cuddle with my dogs, I (sometimes) cook, I exercise, I meditate, I read, I study, I visit my family, and on and on and on...

I'm also convinced I'm so fucked up in the head I'm gonna end up killing myself one day.

This is a thought that scared me before, I felt I was getting darker and darker that I got scared I might actually want to die.

Some days I want it, some days I don't. But it only takes one day to do it so doesn't make much of a difference.

The fucked up in the head thing is all about the human simplicities of life. That's what makes me want to die.

What the fuck do you mean THIS is where people find joy.

I remember the first thing I thought was what made life worth living was... LOVE. And don't get me wrong I actually believe in love, just not the way everyone pretends it is.

Nowadays I think nothing actually matters. No matter what you chase, it doesn't matter. And im pretty convinced about this, I think this thought and the embracing of it in my head made me severely depressed.

The way I see life manageable is to see it as a game. Not in a "life is a game don't stress" kind of game but in a "life is a fucking game how do I play my cards and how do I get what I want" kind of game.

That's where manifestation comes along, and the law of assumption and all this new age things that want to convince me that thinking creates.

How do I manifest the life I want? How do I live an effortless life?

Junior says that I'm doomed because it seems that, if you weren't born a nepo baby, you have to do things and put an effort and believe in goals and dreams and sacrifice.

I say fuck that bullshit. I say put in on your mind, believe it, trust it and smoke a joint while you wait for what you want to come.

Please don't take this as an advice since I'm doing an experiment. Subject is myself, object is my own life.

[damnineedabreak]

Recuerdo la seguridad con la que compartí una historia sobre una chica que se había roto en la nariz en el baño de la escuela. Tenía 6 años y cuando escuche de alguien más esta historia me pareció imposible no compartirlo con todo el mundo.

Esta historia de una chica misteriosa que se había estrellado la nariz en el espejo del baño me pareció so fucked up y llena de drama que no pensé ni por un segundo que había una explicación simple: alguna chica estaba menstruando.

La realidad es que siempre me ha gustado encontrarle un significado a todo lo que me rodea, me parece tan aburrido creer que las cosas son tan simples y aburridas como realmente lo son.

Hoy a mis 25 años me cuesta creer que la única razón por la que me levanto todos los días a trabajar es porque así siempre ha sido y así siempre deberá ser, que todos nos levantamos temprano y gastamos el día frente a una computadora por miedo a crecer pobres y sin propósito.