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damnitdyna-blog · 5 years ago

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My Break Up Pt. II

I’ve stayed quiet and never addressed the issues that came directly after my initial Tumblr post back in November. I didn’t have the mental capacity for it, and needed time to let everything sink in. I slowly started writing this post at the beginning of the year. Unexpectedly, the world hits us with a pandemic and I became hesitant on sharing. Though I do acknowledge there are larger issues going on in the world and we’re in a place of uncertainty. The quest to continue the truth, my truth, is still the goal.

I live in a world where women are taught to use their voice and speak even if their voice cracks. When I finally found courage in doing so, I’m told some things I shared were lies by my ex-boyfriend. The same man who went radio silent on social media for a whole month soon after I shared my story but managed to send me a “cease and desist” letter via email demanding I take my post down or there will be legal consequences. To force a woman to remove her survival story is a scared tactic and a form of bullying.

I don’t need to prove anyone wrong for accusing me of lying. However, I’d like to clear the air on some claims he's made about me.

1.) It was brought to my attention that there are claims I knew about the nude photograph he took of me and that I immediately shared the image to the internet and Snapchat.

I’d like to elaborate on details I failed to mention in my initial post from November because I only highlighted the main points. I understand small details are just as important. But here's the full truth....

• I did NOT know nor asked him to take a photograph of me while I was showering.

• He did surprise me with the image after I finished showering. I laughed and called him a pervert for being sneaky.

• I shared a CENSORED version of the photograph to my friends via Snapchat to poke fun at him for being a “perverted boyfriend.” Censored as in, it was edited with a censored mark covering my body.

• Sharing a censored version on Snapchat does NOT give him permission to share the full raw image to a woman soon after it was taken.

• I do NOT know this woman and didn’t realize she’s been following and interacting with me through social media this entire time.

2.) I have legal documents signed by a judge of the Superior Court highlighting some of his response to my petition for a restraining order. "He was trying to set up a sexual tryst and seriously misread Petitioner's willingness to participate.” Claiming he “seriously misread” would indicate that a conversation such as was brought up at one point in time or place between the both of us. To my understanding, we were in a monogamous relationship. I was unaware he was having sexual relations with other people let alone exchanging nude images of me with strangers to initiate sex.

Half way into our relationship, I noticed a sudden change in behavior where he would decline sexual intimacy any time I would initiate it. There was always an excuse to avoid it that it began to worry me. I asked him questions, but he’d reassure me how happy he is to be with me and is excited about building a future together. I would then sweep it under the rug to prevent an argument. To say he “seriously misread my willingness to participate” in a sexual activity perhaps with a third party knowing his constant refusal to have sex with me is a bit of a stretch and a slap in the face.

3.) There's claims that I broke into his apartment after I gave up my apartment key to him.

It's OUR apartment in case there's any confusion. My name is included on the lease. He agreed to cover my half of rent + utilities February - April 2019. I ended up paying for our utilities each month including additional late fees while he kept our security deposit that we did not agree on.

April 30th, 2019 was the move out date.

April 7, 2019, I signed the document as stated below:

The apartment key “I gave up” was not a result of me no longer living there. On March 23, 2019, I was heading home to be with family. I specifically left the key with him to give to our guest visiting from Portland, Oregon for access to the apartment building without complications. I would have kept the apartment key if we didn't have a guest. Some of my belongings were still at the apartment so I knew I would return to pick them up. Here’s my DM with our guest dated Mar 23, 2019 soon as I left.

On Saturday, April 6, 2019, I “broke into” OUR apartment to pick up the rest of my belongings out of hurt and frustration when I found out his current girlfriend was continuously at our apartment while I was away with family for emotional support. I no longer had the key to our place, so I went into the property manager’s office to request a spare one. I first contacted his current girlfriend on March 28, 2019, through Instagram, when I learned she came over to our apartment. I was alarmed that my ex-boyfriend invited another woman into our home approximately 5 days after I stepped away to be with family. I believe every woman’s natural reaction would be emotionally distraught upon learning there is another woman in your home. In the message, I respectfully notified her explaining the situation she’s in which she claims she was unaware of. I did not create animosity and didn’t demand she leave my apartment; though I had every right to. I wanted her to make an educated decision on her own whether or not she feels comfortable to be in my home knowing she’s caught in the thick of our breakup.

4.) He claims I sent my Tumblr post to his associates and family members insinuating I was harassing them.

I shared it with 3 women whom I’ve already had prior interactions with. The first woman is a close girl friend who marveled over his excitement and happiness since he's been with me. The second woman is his best friend’s wife who gave me motivational advices to help me cope with the break up. The third woman is his ex-girlfriend of several years.

However, there's legal document that shows a screenshot text conversation between my ex-boyfriend and a gentleman whom I share mutual associates with. I read the gentleman telling my ex-boyfriend that he received my Tumblr post directly from me which is NOT true. It didn't take me long enough to figure out the conversation between the two of them were rehearsed or photoshopped. It's one thing for my ex-boyfriend to lie. But to create or photoshop a fake conversation because he needed an ally is wrong.

Through my healing journey, I’m learning that the way we respond to specific behaviors is a measurement of our character and the type of individual beings we are. I can only imagine when you’re caught in the heat that you’re bound to create falsified stories to protect your image rather than taking accountability. The fact that we’re even having a dialogue about a man I was in love with whom I trusted violating my privacy is beyond disturbing. Those were personal photos and moments between myself, him, and the four walls we were in. It’s disheartening that someone like him feels entitled enough to share something like that to the world. I have no clue what this woman has done with my photograph and who she might have shared it to. If my ex-boyfriend did something like this, I cannot imagine what else he’s done that I haven't yet discovered.

I don’t think people understand the magnitude of how traumatizing this is for me and how it’ll affect me in future relationships moving forward. It’s caused me emotional damage where I had to seek therapy. I never received an apology from him till this day other than a cease and desist letter demanding my post to be taken down to keep me quiet. Between finding not only the right lawyer but one I was comfortable with in handling a non-consensual pornography case and juggling both school + work full time, it became extremely complicated and overwhelming. It took a toll on me emotionally, mentally, and physically. I didn’t fully go through with pressing charges. Nothing can make up for the damage that’s been done. I just wanted everything to go away; the pain and heartache. Please understand that just because a case didn’t go in full effect, that doesn’t mean it never happened.

One may seek a new partner directly after a relationships ends to fill a void if it means to ignore accountability for the suffering of others. But their biggest punishment is that they are who they are. I think back to the conversation we had in our bedroom apartment when he opened up about his estranged older sister who went on his social media leaving a specific comment about him. Going through what I went through and knowing what I know now, I question if her claims are in fact true. If they are, may God be with his new born daughter when she arrives.

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