damnsam

[damnsam]

I really don't know why I'm trying to survive anymore.

[damnsam]

I really think my depression is back. I'm not clinically diagnosed but I know it. I don't feel anything anymore. Every emotion people can see is fake. I think I feel sad but even that I don't truly feel.

Maybe the lack of things to look forward to in life is really hitting me. Not to mention that when my brother-in-law said "solo travel" when I suggested going to Japan, it dawned on me how truly alone I am.

It's not that I didn't know it, it's that it's might actually be my whole life. I'm might really become alone... forever. And I don't know if I can accept that.

The thing is, I do want a boyfriend. I truly do. But I don't want to have a boyfriend just for the sake of having one. I want someone who I want be with forever and him with me.

I don't want to settle for less. No. Not when I've suffered all my life just to suffer longer with someone else.

I think that when I was depressed in college, I was looking forward to graduating, working, living alone, and having my own money. When I was doing that, I was still depressed because I hated my job. When I resigned, I was still depressed because I had no money and social life. When I got my dream job, I was still depressed because I wasn't earning enough. When I was finally earning enough, I was still depressed because I had to pay for my parents' debts. When I paid my parents' debts, I was still depressed because I was paying for a condo to live with my brother who wasn't helping me with the chores. I felt like a maid. I'm tired all the time and nobody fucking appreciates me. No one understands how fucking lonely I am. No one knows how I want to give up on life because I don't even know what the point is anymore.

I try to be excited about things like concerts, events, travels, but in reality, I don't even feel anything anymore.

Maybe I can just feel... hateful. Not with anyone else, but with me. My life, my body. I hate my body. I used to be skinny but I gained so much weight that I'm literally considered overweight. I hate it. I hate me. So maybe to feel something, I need to focus all my energy to being skinny. I know what and how to do it. I know it all. I've been there before and I can make it happen again.

If there's nothing for me to look forward to, then I'll look forward to when I'm skinny again and it starts tonight!

I'll plan all my meals, snacks, drinks. I'll count all the calories. I'll burn the calories. I'll walk. I'll exercise. I'll starve. I'll purge. Nothing else matters to me than being skinny. I'm dumb? I don't care as long as I'm skinny. I'm alone? I don't care as long as I'm skinny.

Being skinny is my goal and I'll do everything in my power to get there... again.

[damnsam]

I feel like I'm gonna crash out like Wanda

[damnsam]

You know what, maybe permanently moving out is the right idea.

I can't believe that after 3+5hours of commute today my mom decides to pmo when I'm trying to rest and not think about my life.

She really wants to make everything about her.

Maybe should just go back to the city and never come back.

[damnsam]

My Hero Academia Season is by far the best season!!

The fights got me clinging to my seat and Uraraka's speech made ball out in tears.

[damnsam]

World Heroes Mission: Departure OVA Full

I had to clip the credits but otherwise it fit almost perfectly. I know a lot of people have been struggling to find subtitled links so I'm posting it here for ease of access.

[damnsam]

i cant believe i got fat shamed at the last day of the year 😤 i swear this the reason why i dont go out to see relatives

[damnsam]

seeing pictures of myself at my lw and realising I no longer look like that:

[damnsam]

I can feel it in me. She's back.

[damnsam]

[damnsam]

"I'm anorexic," I say as I stuff my face

[damnsam]

[damnsam]

saw this on twt its so real

[damnsam]

[damnsam]

You did this

You ate yourself to this weight, now you can starve your way out

[damnsam]

cant speak it into existence i fear

Don't f33d me please 😔😶‍🌫️

[damnsam]

she just creeps up fr