damnsam
Damn, Sam.
Just sharing my thoughts, experiences, and perspectives in life.
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I need to fit into those fucking jeans again
They used to be LOOSE
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Bad things are happening to me because I'm fat.
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I'm so tired.
I honestly feel like I'm fucking dying but I'm ignoring it so every night I'm having a fucking mental breakdown.
I feel like I'm not living anymore. It's like I'm just trying my best to get by when in fact I should be at my best right now. I'm so fucking tired I feel like I should puke because then at least I feel like I did something for myself.
I'm trying my hardest not to purge but it's like I can't do it anymore. It's either I anorexia or bulimia.
Just because I work from home doesn't mean I don't get tired you know. I so fucking exhausted. Everyday I think about my life and I'm not seeing myself. I just see a vessel who's just taking steps without directions.
Even explaining my situation is so tiring. I'm done. I feel like I've done enough. I think the reason why I feel attached to Nanami from JJK is because he gets it. We felt the same. Tired.
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Summary of today
Im allergic the to the diet pills im taking.
I got lonely cuz im poor and single.
I ate too much cuz i felt lonely.
I purged cuz i ate too much and stopped taking the diet pills.
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me currently as i scroll back to my old posts when it was 10kgs lighter. its really sad tbh i cried
I miss me at my lowest weight ~~
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Single
Not me waking up from a dream about my ex-crush who turned out to be gay and is now in a relationship and then him suddenly turning into a Kpop Idol Actor and me getting mad he came to my house party not noticing me but talks to my high school friends as if he really knows them and me shouting to the whole party "An actor who can't act." and then walking out of the room realizing what the fuck I just did and tried to hide in a different room but to lock was broken so him and his boyfriend caught up to me and asked my why I did that and said it was insensitive and this Kpop Idol Actor showing me the notes I wrote earlier saying "I should just people because I don't know them and what they're going through" and me apologizing asking him if we can talk about it and him saying no so I got mad again and asked if I can talk to his boyfriend instead and him ignoring me again but left me with his boyfriend who doesn't want to talk to me either but I kinda forced him to and I opened up about how I was a little jealous because I never had what they have and me getting interrupted and them leaving without fully closing the whole situation and me asking his boyfriend to keep it a secret between us and him asking me to put it in paper and me saying it's fine because I trust him and them continued leaving and me just standing there looking at them walking away feeling guilty and sad and regretful and hoping I can be a better person.
Reminds me of this song where she said, "every guy I like is gay" which is to be honest, true for me, it's insane.
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Hip Bones
I just had a dream and tbh I really can't remember what it was about. But, for some reason my shirt was up or I was a croptop and my shorts were like low waist and I had to turn around and when I looked down I saw hip bones. Like I saw literally my hip bones and they were not touching my shorts completely meaning there was space, meaning I was skinny, meaning that was achievable. So I don't know what it was about and why I had that dream and why it showed my hip bones but in some reality out there, that's me and I'm gonna make it in this reality too. 
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Fuck.
I think I just realized when my life started to go down and weight started to go up.
It was when I got regularized at my job and hot hit with a news that I have this huge responsibility that totally ruined the life I envisioned for myself.
Not only was my dream already crush, but now also my hopes too.
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