danbithings-blog - Tumblr blog

danbithings-blog · 5 years

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How I Spent My First Week At University

1. Hiding from people I don’t like. 2. Making accidental eye contact with people I don’t like and knowing that they saw me but hiding from them anyway. 3. Speaking to people I actually do like (rare but does happen). 4. Thinking, “Am I the only one in this room eating a snack right now? Yep. I’m the only one eating. There must be, like, fifty-plus people in this room and I’m the only one eating.” 5. “Definitely still finishing this Choco Pie, though.” 6. “Should grab a bag of nuts from the vending machine, too.” 7. “You know. For protein.” 8. Reapplying lipstick. 9. Removing lipstick because a bold lip and a bold eye makes me look like a trampy clown. 10. Re-listening to Serial episodes. #JayDidIt 11. Actually programming.

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danbithings-blog · 5 years

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So I live in Busan now and it has been a pretty wild adjustment. A Busan fact of life that many people find daunting is that no one gives a shit about you. No one gives a shit! You can literally walk down the street performing SNSD’s Lion Heart as a one-woman show and no one will give a shit. And they’ll probably be like, “pretty nice, you’re flat on the high G, though.”

For further example: today, for reasons known absolutely freaking nobody, UPS just dumped a massive truckful of old Nikon cameras, camera equipment, film, and stuff like that into a big dumpster next to my university. And literally everyone within a 5 mile radius RAN to the dumpster, 10 or 15 brave souls climbed into it, and just started throwing fucking cameras and camera cases and film and shit to people on the street. It was literally raining old boxes of cameras from 1993 and everyone was running around screaming like, “OVER HERE!!!!! GIVE ME A CAMERA!!!! OVER HERE!!!!!” One guy that was driving a passing delivery truck literally stopped traffic on a one-way street to get out of his truck, jump into this random ass dumpster, and take like 15 cameras. Naturally, I ran over too but I was too passive to actually try to grab one of my own so I just stood there by myself and was like what the fuck is happening.

I wish there was a punch line to this story but there isn’t. I think the image of me standing by myself in the thick of a Game of Thrones-esque battle for 1993 Nikon cameras is punch line enough.

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danbithings-blog · 7 years

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As most of you know, I am single. [thunderous applause from the crowd] Please... please, thank you so much, please let me finish. After a solid consecutive six-ish years with the one same boy-man (while my friends would desperately make out with whatever pasty and emotionally stunted upperclassman that would squeeze a boob), online dating became a thing. I’d never really had the chance to dip my toes into the dating app binary hub until recently to try and flirt with men until they voted for my friend to win at her university science fair. It’s a whole thing with VPNs.

Anyways.

I have to say: I am… well? I’m disgusted. It’s no secret that women on the apps match with exponentially more men than the other way around and given what I’ve seen of men’s profiles, it’s not hard to see why. Men are out here in the virtual streets acting like god damn buffoons and still expecting sex to be bestowed upon them. It’s a travesty, and nevertheless, it persists. It’s often said you need to be the change you wish to see in the world. So I’ve decided to take matter into my own hands. I present to you: my definitive list of dating app pet peeves.

- “Kid not mine!!!!!!” Yes, my instinct was that a 23-year-old named Brett on a dating app created for the primary purpose of fucking strangers was going to upload a picture of his infant child as his main photo for which to attract female mates. I’m glad you clarified. - “Not looking for anything serious.” Trent, you have the Macklemore haircut and are wearing American flag swim trunks. I promise you, no one assumed you were looking for something serious. - Mentioning tacos/pizza/[insert delicious and popular food item here]. Look, I am a feminist, and in the spirit of equality I must point out that women pioneered this trend and still perpetuate it heavily - a pattern sociologists have termed the “touch my butt and feed me tacos phenomenon.” However, men have latched onto it in what I can only assume is an eleventh-hour attempt to draw in this demo. Please cease and desist. Everyone likes tacos, Caleb. - The other day I saw a guy say his ideal dinner guest was Andrew Scheer and I’ve never seen anyone else say that but honestly, fuck you dude. Fuck you. - When guys are trying to stay anonymous and post a low-quality shirtless torso pic without showing their face...? Has anyone ever actually swiped right on that? I kind of respect the optimism but still. - “In town for the weekend... show me around?” Firstly, that sounds absolutely harrowing. Secondly, I’d respect you more if you just said “in Toronto for 24 hours and trying to get it in” than pretend like you’re searching for Sacajawea to show you the new world. It’s Toronto. Just google it. - Couples looking for threesomes. This is a delicate process and making a joint profile with “she’s bicurious. He’s straight. We both like kissing girls. Looking for someone to explore with :)” is not only cringeworthy as all motherfuck, but completely ineffective. Listen, I get it. I get that after four years, Tommy and Kayleigh are trying to spice things up. Order a pair of fuzzy handcuffs on Amazon and leave me the hell out of it. Also - every single one of these couples has a very... wide male/female attractiveness margin. Kayleigh can hit me up on her own, though.

I’m going to stop here because I’m just making myself depressed at this point. It’s really a jungle out there. May your eggplant emojis be infrequent and your threesome requests be infrequent-er! If worse comes to worse, there’s always arranged marriage.

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