dancing-in-quicksand

[dancing-in-quicksand]

I'd say You're keeping me here but in reality alcohol is my only tether. I have loved You for a long time but due to our inconsistencies and complications I cannot say You give me a reason to live, I simply will not say this to you because that action would be manipulative. Nor can I bring myself to feel or believe this. A semblance of love is not enough

[dancing-in-quicksand]

Complete and utter desensitization is clearest state of mind to live in. Though an entire entity, a perceived memory, a compilation of misconceptions remains. Here I am again wishing I had never met you. I could move forward without looking back.

[dancing-in-quicksand]

[dancing-in-quicksand]

[dancing-in-quicksand]

My external liquid friends are too strong for my throat so they can't get deep enough to take care of the pain.

[dancing-in-quicksand]

I endlessly ache for you. As in wishing I could take your pain and despair away. But also in longing for you. A date was selected a while ago and nothing can change it. I will make an attempt on my life, I pray I am successful. I'm just glad I had contact with you before it. I love you. I deeply apologize. I love and loved you, but I never felt the same from you in return. I am eternally sorry your adoration was squandered on me. I will continue to love you even in my death. I love you. Forgive me.

[dancing-in-quicksand]

Out of the blue and into the black, then further to the depths of the red. The only place I have, and will find peace.

[dancing-in-quicksand]

I thought we were truly finished. You made me feel like I was nothing to you. And today you apologized for treating me poorly, after I exclaimed its what I thought I deserved, you told me otherwise.

How detrimental yet grand. My heart ached for you. I managed to silence its cries. Now all the work I've done to move on is undone because if you call i will come running.

[dancing-in-quicksand]

I'm never alone in my mind. There is always someone else there and when I want them to leave they don't.

[dancing-in-quicksand]

I'm a dumb bitch. I'm surprised though of course any who happens to read will not be.

I want to talk but have nothing discuss because what's really weighing heavy on my mind will make my stupidity and desperation all the more obvious. I'm just tired of it all. Further agitated by clients at work. Taunted by social media. Endlessly irritated and forced into self isolation by my parental housemates who insist I talk to a therapist. Fuck you.

Therapy time has passed. Fuck talking and help and healing and "moving the lid". My spirit is already broken. Whether I live or die by my own hands is my business dammit. It should make no difference. I don't care who or what I leave behind. Or what I don't leave behind.

Time I've wasted time. If everyone who claimed to give a shit did in fact gave a shit they would take the time. I'm not asking or expecting anyone to drop everything to come see about me. But if you care you make time. Oh but since I'm sooo codependent I simply cannot comprehend people have their own lives and goals to be concerned about. Little ol' me doesn't have shit. Just a pathetic and blubbering attention seeking whore wants someone to "care"

Inexperienced, naive and oh so easy to fool and manipulate.

No, no don't let me point the finger at others when the entire time it's me. I'm a dumb bitch remember? Inexplicably irrational. I carry on fantasies in my mind and wanna kill myself when reality hits. Because that's the only solution to my long list of problems. Tired this sorry fuck is tired of the back and forth of life.

[dancing-in-quicksand]

I'm incredibly unhappy. I can't tell anyone how lonely I am. If I do I'll be asked why and be told I live with 2 people(parents). I'll be told I have "friends". Friends I have little to no interaction with. Friends that don't bother or no reason to call.

The one person I talk to most often gets busier and busier in addition to less and less interested. Maybe because I've got nothing but emotional problems. I've got nothing to offer.

I could pay for a friend(a therapist) but would not the time to see them on a consistent basis.

I've got no goals other than getting away from my parents. Once I do that. Then what?

I have to figure out what I want, I've been told.

I want the loneliness to end. I want to stop feeling so alone. I want someone to desire me. I want love but I'll never have it because that's all I want. I have no discipline, determination, or goals. There is nothing admirable or desirable about me. If there was, where is this person who will supposedly want to marry me???? They simply don't exist.

I'm always the one in need of support. Always needing attention. Everyone else is happy with themselves and I'm just a pathetic mess.

*Codependent*

This word has been relentlessly fucking my brain.

[dancing-in-quicksand]

Forget me. Bury your pain if you happen to feel any.

[dancing-in-quicksand]

I'm going to write a note for this year. Not sure how long I can fight off the ever reoccurring thoughts to take my own life.

Maybe even multiple versions and scatter them around. Ya know... make it fun

[dancing-in-quicksand]

I've managed to fight the urge to cut for 2 years, within the past 60 days I've relapsed 3 times. I did not want to come back to this place.

[dancing-in-quicksand]

I'm tired of crying

[dancing-in-quicksand]

I think I know my place when in actuality I'm carried off in a convoluted daydream of fluffy bullshit that will NEVER exist in reality. I hate being alone. I have felt alone for as long as I can remember, I'd say since grade school but I might as well say since daycare. Always lonely. A pitiful fool, desperate, codependent sorry fuck. Always cast aside. One would think I'd learn to make my own space and be satisfied with myself. Haven't I tried? WANT TO BE ALONE?? That's bullshit to me. I wanted genuine friends. I don't want to be "different". I want to be around people. I need to interact with people. I need to feel useful and needed. Instead I'm humored and tolerated.

Pat on the head and shooed along. And I'm supposed to be happy with this?

I'm supposed to want to be alone? Not a single person can say they haven't felt loneliness. A liar would claim to embrace it and find solitude in it. Everyone wants company. Platonic or romantic or whatever.

I'm getting to the point where I align with a sentiment I once condemned.

If I'm going to feel this lonely, even residing with 2 other humans and a cat, even with "friends". I'm going to be alone. I'm going to make sure of it. That's the point right?

I'm frustrated.

I'm depressed.

I'm physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted.

Nothing's right in my mind. It seems from every angle I'm wrong in one way or another.