dandelionsonjupiter

[dandelionsonjupiter]

Today was a better day, thankfully! I'm trying to put my energy and focus on things that I know bring me joy in hopes they'll keep my mind from wanting to revert back to all of the negative thoughts.

Yesterday the girlfriend dragged me out of the house for a really nice nature walk in Richmond Virginia's Forest Hill Park. I grabbed my camera on the way out the door and decided to try and rekindle my passion for nature photography.

What a beautiful park! The sun, the sound of the water, the beauty of the little waterfall and moss covered rocks definitely helped to ground me!

Laying in bed last night I started doing some research on ways to make some extra money and something popped up about selling your photography online and it was like lightning struck and before I knew it I had built a whole page on Fine Art America's site. Of course it's still and will continue to be a work in progress.

Today my girlfriend sat me down and wanted to talk, she was scared that it would upset me. She expressed concern over my tendency to jump from one "hobby" to the next and wondered if it had to do with an underlying issue. I have my first doctors appointment tomorrow and thought it would be worth bringing up to see if perhaps it's correlated to my other issues I'm struggling with.

She couldn't be more right! A few months ago I was making jewelry. Got all the materials...tools, wire, beads, ect...ect... A couple weeks later I decided to try my hand at wood burning. In my head I could combine the two hobbies. Then that got set to the side. This week after my breakdown now it's photography.

I go full into something only to lose interest until I jump to the next thing. But I always seem to find my way back to them eventually. I want to find a way to incorporate all of these passions into a cohesive and a well rounded hobby. With this extra time I'll have going part time. I'd love to use my talents and passion to start making even just a little money. Eventually one day my dream is to be able to make fair supplemental income off of it.

Realistically I know it will never be a full career but I want to be able to do something I love so work doesn't feel so much like work but that I'm creating something that I can share with others.

If interested in viewing my beginnings of my photography venture feel free to visit my page!!

[dandelionsonjupiter]

Wow, starting something new...

Either this will be something amazing or another one of my many failed attempts to do something new.

Where to start...

I won't lie and say I'm a great writer, hell I won't say I'm really good at anything really. I'm just kind of there, mediocre at best. I'm 34 and haven't accomplished much in life, nothing really to show for the years I've put in on this planet.

I grew up poor in the 90's with mostly absent parents, spent a lot of time alone never really developing great social skills. I skated by through high school and opted out of college. Landed a dead end retail job at a craft store for a long 16 years, but I guess it paid my bills. As well as I was able to be surrounded by one of the few things that bring me joy. Ok maybe I can at least say I'm creative. A jack of all trades and master of none when it comes to arts and crafts. I guess I'm a fair painter and I've made some jewelry I'm rather proud of!

Well, I decided if I didn't quit I was going to go to prison for arson for starting a fire in the yarn department. I was over worked and underpaid for the years I gave to that place. I was doing the job of what felt like 10 people and I was losing it.

I decided to start job searching because my inner voice was screaming at the top of it's lungs not to leave on job before finding a new one. "Luckily" I came across another fairly quickly with the recommendation of an old co-worker. This time a department store...still retail, why would I think it would be any better?

Did I mention I suffer from severe anxiety and depression? Well needless to say even though I hated my job at the craft store I was comfortably numb there. Throwing myself into a whole new routine with new people, new lingo, new rules, new expectations took a huge hit to my mental health. I spiraled into a pit of despair and what did my mind immediately go to? The comforting thoughts suicide to escape my situation. If you're familiar with this fun mental illness then you know how easy it is to let those thoughts just run rampant. Now, I feel 99% positive I won't harm myself, but it still scares you when you cannot escape the desire to do so. With that came the skin burning crawling sensation, the feeling of not being able to catch your breath, sleepless nights, obsessive scalp scratching, chewing holes through the sides of my cheeks anxiety attacks.

So the big turning point happened the night before last. Thought I was beginning to feel tired enough to go to bed. My girlfriend and our two dogs made our way to the bedroom and did our nightly routine. 1. Turning on the fan for the white noise and air flow. 2. Turning the ac down low due to the fact I am a human furnace. 3. Get in bed lift up the blankets on my side so my dog can get under them and sleep until she can no longer stand my body heat. 4. Turn on the TV and pick some true crime documentary to try and fall asleep to. 5. Girlfriend falls asleep in about 10 minutes and I'm sucked in and have to see it through to the end! 6. Turning off the TV and seeing if I'm finally tired enough to sleep. 7. Mind starts catastrophizing every detail of my day and then starts to get anxious about tomorrow. 8. Try to drown it out by putting my ear buds in my phone and picking some random crap on YouTube to just listen to.

Ok so by number 8 I'm usually asleep but not this night...the time is just going by and no matter what I'm listening to my thoughts are just too loud to drown out. So...

9. Get my pillow and extra blanket and go to the sofa as to not disturb the sleeping girlfriend next to me with my now agitated tossing and turning.

Well normally 9 is the final step and by about an hour out there I'm finally able to get back and bed and be done with a bad sleeping night....nope...instead I sit out there crying and crying...and well crying some more. Thinking about how to just end it all. By the time the sun came up I forced myself back into bed and just laid there with my eyes closed. I think I dozed off for maybe 15 minutes when her alarm went off. She got up and got ready for work. Luckily she works from home so it's a pretty easy morning routine. She came and laid back down with me and I cannot remember the exact words she said but whatever it was just made me lose it and start crying all over again.

I mustered up the strength to say something I've never said before to anyone and that was I think I need to get some help. Being the amazing person she is let me struggle to get those words out and continue to cry for the next few hours. She didn't pry for more information she just went and got tissues and let me lay there until I was able to calm myself enough to talk.

I've never had that before! It's always someone wanting to ask a million questions and wants you to be able to explain why you're feeling some way when you cannot always explain it. Or wanting to know what you're going to do or saying all of the generic BS that people say when they're trying to cheer you up.

She let me just be and just was there instead of immediately jumping into trying to talk about it. She suggested I pick a Disney movie to watch to take my mind off of it for a bit. It somehow helped and then I was ready to talk. She helped me come up with a loose plan which first and foremost was finding a doctor to see to maybe start me on some sort of treatment plan. Next was the hard decision because of the financial burden that it would put on us. I talked to my new boss and was honest about what was going on. I let her know that I was sorry for them training me for this new management role but at the moment I'm just unable to give it my all, but expressed I'd be willing to stay on part time so that I'd have some more time to focus on getting myself back to where I want to be mentally.

Surprisingly she was very supportive and offered me a part time position and checked in on me the next day.

This morning came and now the anxiety and self depreciation is back in full swing...why couldn't I just hold out and keep my iob...what of I can't be financially helpful enough to my family, what if I just made a bunch of huge mistakes and screwed everything up?

All I know as of right now is that I'm just going to keep going and see where this road leads. Maybe just maybe I'm suppose to be going through this right now because something better is on the other side of this.

Besides isn't that what life is? Just a series of mountain and valley's and being able to appreciate the view from both?

I don't know it sounds motivational and all I guess.