daniellarinapouter

[daniellarinapouter]

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XOXO 🧡❣️

[daniellarinapouter]

[daniellarinapouter]

I just signed that as well. 📜🖋😁👍

[daniellarinapouter]

Watch "Lemon Demon - Soft Fuzzy Man (FAN ANIMATION)" on YouTube

[daniellarinapouter]

Caitlin Moran

Yeah, you know, we both have (inevitably) changed. And if I find myself trying to define this 'relationship' from the outside in, I experience the same antsyness that often overcomes me in church, when I hear a priest babbling about God, and all I want to do is jump up and shout : " It's bigger than that!!!! 📣 (I don't though. I shall not embarass my kids. Or at least not more than I do already😂)

From the inside out it's a different view (specially if I can get my ego to shut up occasionally) It is what it is, okay. You can be as ambivalent as you like. But what I'm done with - absolutely done with - is absorbing all the ambient shame that comes with it, like the good female that I am supposed to be. THAT'S finished for me. 🧙‍♀️

And now I'll try and get some kip before the fun starts. 😁

Love from Your Librarian XO🧡👍

[daniellarinapouter]

[daniellarinapouter]

It's not as if I hadn't imagined it. Sounds morbid, but I had always fancied that he'd go like his Da: just not waking up one fine morning in spring. How I would not call anyone for a couple of hours. Take the time. Lay him out myself, of course. Who I would phone first. (Knowing that like birth, these things never go as you plan them. But you can have dreams, can you not) I even thought about what I'd do when I'm old and widowed: get one of those teeny tiny egg shaped caravans and travel the breadth and width of Ireland with my corgy. (I always imagined myself with queen vibes in old age 👸😂)

They were MY plans. Funny, he would never commit as to what HE prefered. As if he expected to be immortal! Whereas I had no compunctions about what I want for myself: cardbord coffin, cremation, someone singing "The Parting Glass" and no priest anywhere near me! And a Horse chestnut tree planted on my ashes. (Yup! That specific)

Hating his guts on sight had not featured anywhere in those fantasies. (It's not that he DOES anything, but even that infuriates me. Interesting: the animals don't interact with him at all anymore. They look at him now like a piece of furniture that surprisingly just moves around sometimes)

I don't even feel anything in common with that "girl" anymore. Can't find her! And that is a bit disturbing. Like she was killed and burried in a shallow grave.

So I'm taking a bit of time now to sit by myself. Not making art, not numbing or distracting myself. (You're right, it's no salve)

I don't know how long that might take but I feel strongly that that's what I have to do. (And you'll be grand! There's no need for me to track your every breath anymore. Yay for us both! 🎉)

I'm back with art by September latest, I promise. (And I will listen in the meantime ☕ 🔄)

Love from Your Librarian XO 🧡

[daniellarinapouter]

Naaaaa...

You're not listening. And mansplaining I can get enough in 3d, thanks.

Love from Your Librarian XO🧡

[daniellarinapouter]

You can't grab a sword without getting hurt.

Sorry, wasn't thinking. I did the deduction.✅

Don't worry, I'm feeling better. And next week I can get accupuncture for the pain again. 🙏 (Working tomorrow)

Love from Your Librarian XO🧡

[daniellarinapouter]

Runner's breakfast. 😊

I think what I'm trying to say is: I'm afraid to rely on your time and energy. I'm not in a super great place right now and my safety nets are in place and hold me stable. I don't want you to stick around out of pity or be distracted from your life. And seriously. I never learned to meditate properly. (Monkey's mind😁) The short morning meditations are no harm at all. I'm trying hard to calm it down. (sic)

I can do rapid fire communications, no problem. I love distractions! But you have to ask. (Or tell me stories)

I've alloted myself a lot of quiet time this week. After chatting to my counsellor and we established that every time I say: I'm tired - what I'm really saying is: I'm sad.

Love from Your Librarian XO

[daniellarinapouter]

Fun fact: when BFF and I were 15, we absconded from our class on a school tour in Munich and took part in a proper Ashram meditation. (Dance meditation with all the hollering and breathing. Only when the group eventually went to undress in the showers did we politely excuse ourselves, prim little misses that we were... 😇😂) we only escaped severe punishment because our teacher was 1 relieved to have us back unruffled and 2 embarrassed that we had vamoosed unoticed for several hours. 😁

But it reminds me of a book (surprise! 🙄): Roughly translated as "God's Awkward Friends", it's a selection of short biographies of some Western saints. The author had gone to India and met a Guru named Sri Dada Ji, who gave him the advice to avoid following Indian gurus. Because of the familiarity of home culture it's easier to spot the conmen and imposters. Go forth and seek your own gurus. There's plenty of them in the West.

And indeed the saints are fascinating and strange! 😃 E.g. Filippo Neri: his heart swelled so much in his love for God that it busted his ribs and left him with a permanent bulge on his thorax. THAT'S some saint! (It was said that to be heartily hugged by St Filippo could cure one of rheumatism. 🤷‍♀️)

Btw: Hildegard's visions were interpreted by Oliver Sacks as severe migraine scintillating scotomas. Who knows.

As they say: God is the only sober intoxication.

Hach! A day of sun and inspiration and I feel like a million dollars again. 🌟🌈 😄 (I had a chat with the meditation group leader, and they're allowing me to continue without having to recruit. Yay! 🎊)

Not leaving you. 🤝 But I'm aware that I can't put the burden of my mental health entirely into your hands. (and it's a looong time till autumn yet🥺) Spread it on several helpers. Sure, you know yourself! 👍

Love you lots!!! 🤗 ...-...😎

Love from Your Librarian XO 🧡

[daniellarinapouter]

🧘‍♀️ > 🧘‍♀️🧘‍♀️🧘‍♀️🧘‍♀️🧘‍♀️ It's a pyramid scheme 🥳🤦‍♀️

Should've spotted that from a mile away, but must've been my age. 😂

And I really liked the spiritual exercises! 😭

Never mind. No lives lost.

See youse tomorrow?

Love from Your Librarian XO 🧡

[daniellarinapouter]

Och, you know my personal idea of a dangerous life is reading a library book in the bath... 😁

But yes, thanks for the suggestions. 😉

Comes over as a bit of a whine, but seriously. I'm so absolutely snookered come each night and think: from what!?! But single parenting with a zombie in tow honestly SUCKS. Energy I mean.

There's so much maintanance to keep up with or the house falls to shit. (I'm saving for a ride-on lawnmower now. There's no earthly way I'm able to maintain the yard and 2 km of walkways and lane by hand. And the mower, strimmer and tractor are all out of commission due to the ill-advised tinkering by himself. 🚜😭)

On the other hand: I'm still dealing in black figures. I'm managing. 💪😶

Tackling some mouldy walls next and the decking needs weather treatment. (Now that the hardware shops are open again) And I'm still desinfecting the shopping and defiantly wear a mask to the shops even though nobody else does. (FOOLS!!!!!!😵) So you ķnow where I'm at for the rest of the week. (+working next 2 weekends. 🤑)

Stay safe!

Love from Your Librarian XO 🧡

[daniellarinapouter]

Douglas Adams - Hitchhiker

I have often wondered, why nobody ever asked me that question: that I never ever post about one of my greatest interests. 🤷‍♀️ Truth is: nobody is really that interested in the interests of a middle-aged (ok, older🙄) woman. Believe me. Nobody is looking, never mind thinking. Therefore I'm just approaching normality today. 😊👍

I think it's nearly good enough for sale to the reddzers? (Joking! 😂)

Hope you like.

Love from Your Librarian XO 🧡

[daniellarinapouter]

Ok

If I hear no outraged protest 🤷‍♀️😁 - meet me in a couple hours in the studio.

Love from Your Librarian XO 🧡

[daniellarinapouter]

😁 how did you know?

I did design a quick lil tarot card yesterday, but UNFORTUNATELY it is totally recognizable (I'm getting too good) and I held it back because of that. Didn't want to make you uncomfortable. But maybe you don't mind, having looked at your own mug already in BIG format after all? 😋 I can keep if to myself. Honestly, I don't mind. I'm working on something else entirely right now. Unless you don't mind me stan-ing openly?

Your visual work is exquisite!!! 👀 I know you studied that shit, didn't you. Hilma wouldn't be in it. That actually convinced me to order the larger format as well. I'm gonna frame that and hang it in my livingroom right next to my own crimes on paper. 😃

It looks like at least partly digital? 🤔 Or how the fuck did you get it THAT symetric? 🔍

I tell you what I like best about it. (Apart from the colours and everything) That it ends unfinished at the top. Lovely touch that.

Now I have to heave my derriere out of bed and venture out into the rain (again) for a run. 🙄 I really don't feel like it, but without the exercise I turn into a living antichrist in this house.

Love from Your Librarian XO 🧡

[daniellarinapouter]

Oh, I can associate quicker than a pig can wink. But what struck me most was, what should go without saying, but I tend to forget cause I don't have the lived experience with you: (Or maybe that wouldn't make any difference) I thought I'm the ONLY ONE talking tacheles with God. To see you thinking back at what you believe is quite something.

I'm off now until the next weekend. So I'm going to be around for the next installment. 🙏

Love from Your Librarian XO 🧡