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“Beware of false prophets who come to you in sheep’s clothing but inwardly are savage wolves.” -Matthew 7:15

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The Power of Baal - Genshin Impact

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You never think the person you love the most and would do anything for would betray you. Use you up and manifest all the demons they said they would extinguish. I look back and think of all the times i should have said something, i should have pushed for more, wanted more, demanded more because i deserved more. Its like a bad joke, one that I knew the punchline to yet still stayed to be laughed at. I cant even begin to understand why i stayed as long as i did, put up with as much as i did and let you use me until i had nothing left to give.

I dont know why i have this obsessive need to fix broken people. Cut my hands up and bleed out trying to paste their damaged edges together. I cry within myself when i think about it, wonder why i am this way. Am i destined to be like my mother, she loved so hard and was consistently shut down by the men who swore to love and protect her.

 This was so different from the rest, because i allowed you to use me, degrade me and push me into a space i never dreamed of being in. I pasted flowers over gaping holes hoping, pretending I fixed them. Tried to see the beauty over the pain and misery you continued to push on me. Let you manipulate me into thinking I'm the bad person. I let you destroy me and handed you the matches to burn me alive to keep you warm.

It took only a day to have someone come back into my life and remind me that i AM loved, that i AM a good person and that I DESERVE LOVE. I let the pain that cut you to pieces cut me. Trust me i wanted to save you, i wanted to wrap my love like bandages over your scares, over your wounds that were caused by your post. And the thing is, once you sober up off the drugs, alcohol and toxicity your broken circle feeds you, you will remember all the love i gave you so freely. I cut myself, my limbs, my heart, my mind and threw them into the flames to keep you warm.  

But you took advantage, saw all of my weak points and exposed them, exploited them for your own personal gain. You were so crafty at moving them around to break me. You knew ever line to tell me, that would dig deep into the protected parts of my soul to let my demons flourish. Engulfing me in insecurities, hopelessness and depression, just - like - YOU. 

You never really wanted to me saved, you were already too far gone and instead pulled me under the tide. 

You see i always ALWAYS try and look within when things go wrong, trying to dig within myself to see why YOU couldn't commit. But it wasn't me anymore, it was you, and i let my loneliness blind me with the ideas that your behavior was a deserved love, and it wasn't. 

Im not a perfect person, i am flawed and i take ownership of my scars and the scars ive given out. I understand my karma, and i understand the universe has to teach me certain lessons. 

I think after all that is said and done i will no longer look at life the same, not because of all the pain i allowed myself to feel but the pain of losing time with those who were ready, and waiting to love me the way i deserved.

But through this storm and pain my light did come to me, it came when i needed it and reminded me of the love i deserved. Held me up when i was ready to fall into ash and breathed in a love that i had forgotten. It fixed me up, pushing life into my space giving me the glow of hope.

 I really do believe God and the universe wrapped their arms around me and said its ok to finally let go of that toxic space and wrap myself in love. 

I cant save everyone, I can do my best to help support the growth of others but i cannot set myself on fire to keep others warm. I cant take away others trauma by letting them pull me down into it.

Even after all of this i still have love you, but i don't love you like i did before because ive taken that love back and given it to myself.

I forgive you and I forgive myself for letting the storm go on for as long as it did. 

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Its hard. Idk why after all of this i cant shake you. Maybe because our love was so incredibly intense - full bodied and robust - an exposition of energy that i could never 100% completely control. I lost myself in the mist of you, let it spray my face and soak into my soul. Thick billowing clouds of you i breathed in so effortlessly, blowing you out and watching you float into the sky like clouds. 

letting go is so hard. Its not like the movies, its much more painful. No junk food fest or weekend benders with the girls can erase the parts of you within me that i cannot reach. No inspirational quote can overlap the pages of love letters you've written within the walls of my soul. i love you so madly and so deeply i cant shake you and idk why.

Our love story was one in the making, simple threads  though tinder, woven into text messages and quilted into a beautiful chaotic unforgiving love that ive never yet experienced. 

The worst part is trying to find you in others, closing my eyes and kissing them but imagining you, closing my eyes pretending its you, wrapping my soul around ghosts of you. im tired of always thinking of you, always wondering what youre doing - sick to my stomach - in tears when i see you. Idk how to move on at the moment. how to stop caring. idk what to do. but just contintue to try and work on getting over you. 

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When all is said and done, whether I die in two years or sixty-eight years, I want people to look back and say, “Yo, that dude Shane was hella sexy and funny and tried his best to make a change in the world.”

My incredible experience here on Tumblr over the last four years has taught me this: love amongst strangers is a powerful phenomenon.

I’m asking for your help. All it takes is a simple reblog.

I was born with a fucked up disease called spinal muscular atrophy that makes my muscles waste away as I get older. On my blog here, I’ve shown you how my disease complicates every aspect of life, from going poop to having sex to playing sports.

The older I’ve gotten, the more important it has become for me to help others going through similar situations.  

So I started a nonprofit organization, with very little idea what that even meant, but now, I’m finally in a position to start making real changes.

With our newest program, No More Nightmares, we provide people with my disease the adaptive technology they need to keep living awesome lives.

In order to fulfill all the grant applications we are getting, (for things like ramps, and vans, and medical equipment) we need consistent revenue.

I believe that enormous change begins with small change, and so I’m asking for your help tonight. To continue building funds for this vital program, I’ve created a little support page.

If you can, I’m asking that you toss us a buck or two. Together, I believe we can achieve incredible things, which translates to thousands of people with muscular dystrophy getting the things they need to thrive.

Here is the link to donate: http://igg.me/at/lamn/x/9161855

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If you can’t give online, you can mail a donation to:

Laughing At My Nightmare, Inc.

PO BOX 3398

Bethlehem, PA 18017

Even if you can’t give, a share can do more good than you’ll ever realize. Will you help me change the world?

Love,

Shane

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There is no part of this diatribe that is not amazing or 100% true.

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someone once said that peoples true colors come over time...

this i definitely believe, the message is both positive and negative and has worked itself out many different times in my life...

but ive come to see the shades in people far earlier than waiting around to see their colors..

i guess you could say that's why i hold my friend count so small, because once upon a time i was so invested in the good of people, that i let it blind me from the harsh reality that those rose colored glasses were stunting my growth and hurting my heart...

my parents say my mentality is a bit on the pessimistic side, but i feel if im going to be labeled, it should be of something of more substance rather than being easily dismissed into arrogance..so some what of a realist is what I've figured myself to be

maybe there is some air of arrogance in labeling myself a realist..but i cant seem to find any fuck to give...other than my parents

~

its just coming to terms with the reality that there are more people out there who are in it for themselves than the good of others.

people who invest more time into other peoples personal lives than really investing in theyre own...

"friends" who rather save a buck than show their support...

some of this is in relation to me, and some of this is in realation to my own freidns and familys stories...

its just better solidifies my own ideas of the world i live in, and how i plan on altering my own existance.

i cant always change the things i go to, but i do have the option of chosing who i want to come in to my life, and who is easily disposable.

people worry to much on the mistakes and issues of others, easily letting themseves be effected by things that should be just as easily dismissed.

this rant isnt my push on to anyone or idea of how others should live their lives, its just my own coming to story...

im still growing im still learning~

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one family is on bored... the other is not...

im not happy

its hard when your can't really be yourself around your significant other's family

i don't feel connected to his immidate family, partly because i feel like they don't want to be connected to me

sure the cousins and other family member make it easy, they are sweet kind and over all genuine when it comes to getting to know me and making me feel at ease... but his parents not so much

its hard because i feel my family has gone above and beyond to make it known that they care and appreciate, like and respect my boyfriend, and his family isn't.

its one thing to be 'ok' with us, its another to be disconnected and not there when i am.

i think its wrong to make others feel less, especially those who care and deeply love, respect cherish and provided for other members of their family aka their son.

i do understand sometimes its hard for parents to grasp the fact that their son or daughter is gay. But at the end of the day if they are happy why should it matter. This is again why i don't understand how people can be so offended by things that DO NOT effect them... 

I'm getting tired if this play by play bs. Its 2012 its time to get on bored. 

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im kinda super obssed with this chick

reheaded beauty

my heart dances across the curves of her lips

i kind of want to kiss them

wish i could revisit the past days of school

the bounty of experience you carry on your shoulders is romantic

to be an outlaw, a rebel one who defies the cravity of a judgmetal society

built on the insance ideals fabric sewn together by hypocrits that dont live by there own looms

how have i been so foolish as to wrap myself in this syntetic manmade dream

a coat of lies

soaked in the dyes of corruption and greed

sexually explicit ideals only done so because wev been protected byt the ideas of what someone says is needed to protect

are all thee feelings in the world judgeded souly on the basis of nothing

free love

free thinking

a world where life is made by owes know definitions of 

saftey sane

love pleasure pain and the freedoms of knowhing the boundrires

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