dansdraw

[dansdraw]

hi i dont think anyone from my tumblr era even logs in anymore but in case any of my followers does, hi there how r u, been a while

so i created an instagram where i post my makeup stuff bc life is pointless anyway so i might aswell stop being anxious about other people's judgement and just go for it?

bare in mind, i do have a "personal" ig where all my followers are people from my real life and i only ever post photos of sunsets and shit bc ive always been too self aware to post my face, i hate my face

what i do not hate is makeup and the cool ways it can transform my appearance and the artsy side of it so yeah i created this thing and nobody from my real life knows about it except for a few friends so i have like 30 followers lol

ok it's @valinthedark and the name is obviously a nod to lorde's "writer in the dark", come say hi if u want, or dont, idk bye

[dansdraw]

Million pieces.

I am DECEASED.

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Bastille - Doom Days (Official Video)

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DID BAS JUST RELEASE A SONG OUT OF NOWHERE OMG DAN U CANT DO THIS TO US IM SCREAMING 

IM LEGIT HEAVY BREATHING OMG DID THEY JUST TURN RNB ALL OF A SUDDEN

THIS IS TOO MUCH

[dansdraw]

listening to the same live version of 4AM by Bastille on repeat is my new personality trait

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you think you want me to shut up? i have to listen to myself even when im not talking

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[dansdraw]

So, I followed this story about this fuckboi now and let me tell you one thing: you deserve people being nice to you <3 It's hard to ignore and erase feelings and I'm sure you'll grow over time and maybe even find the right person to be with at some point. Don't stress yourself out too much, take your time to heal and don't blame yourself. There's way too many fuckbois out there ._.

Omg thank you so much for your kind words! <3 and for taking the time to read my messy thoughts and life story!

I know it literally makes no sense that after all the stuff that happened I still feel this way about him. That’s the only thing I kinda blame myself for, not listening to the people in my life that throughout the whole mess kept telling me to leave him behind and move on. Like, every time he’d text me my heart would start racing and I’d immediately forget all the reasons why keeping him in my life wasn’t the healthiest thing for me. I can’t wait for the day when I’ll finally realize he’s just a Fuckboi who didn’t deserve all the energy I wasted on him.

I guess realizing this is a first step towards haling, yet I still care for him as a human??  I’ll do a read more to explain what I mean. 

The other day when he audio’d me on Friday night we started talking and at one point he said like “sorry love i’m at dinner now, i’ll listen to it later” and I knew that he was having this dinner with his friends from football and afterwards they were going to pull a heavy night, which means getting high/wasted and going clubbing. So I expected he’d answer when he’d wake up the next day, around 2pm or something. On Saturday as the hours passed, I checked every now and then if he was online on WhatsApp, bc he’s literally all the time on there but that day he was never online. 

So I started worrying?? Also bc, I knew that with him, things can get turn bad real quick. 

**** Sidestory: if I hadn’t painted an ugly enough picture of him, you should know that when he was younger he’d do this heavy night thing much more often, and he will tell you proudly that when he’s drunk he gets “evil” which often lead him to do crazy shit, get into fights and be thrown out of clubs. Like in one of these occasions years ago he ended up in the hospital with idk how much physical damage but he’s now half-deaf from one ear from a well-directed punch. 

Btw he’s not that big, so i’m pretty sure he was for the most part on the receiving end during these fights, and now if you look closely enough he still has a number of little scars on his face. Also, I know of a bunch of reasons why he was doing that - if you give him the chance he’ll vomit on you much of his troubled backstory - he has been through some shit (but then again, who hasn’t? I know!) but that’s definitely one of the things that made me care for him this deeply. **** 

At around 8pm I even checked the local news websites bc i was getting very worried??  there was this one article about a car crush around his area which left one guy dead and that title gave me minor heart attack, only to find out that the description didn’t match him, but i kinda died for a second there. 

He finally answered to my audio from Friday at about 11pm that Saturday saying that he was just recovering from the night before, that he had puked his soul, so it was all good. After a short while the conversation died and i stopped answering. 

[dansdraw]

Happy Birthday Kyle!

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You are my familiar, you are my familiar.

[dansdraw]

Take some time to get over Fuckboi. You use a lot of self-deprecating language when you talk about yourself. If you don't believe you're worth more, you're only going to attract relationships that perpetuate that belief. It sounds like you're moving and starting a new chapter. Try taking this opportunity to ask yourself two things 1) do you want OR do you need to be in a relationship, 2) what kind of relationship do you deserve? Be gentle with yourself, and NO MORE COMPROMISING YOUR WORTH! <3

Yep on Friday I left the city (I lived there for 2 years bc of uni and he’s born and raised there) and I moved home, about two hundred kilometers away. Which in itself is kinda sad, yay. I get what you’re saying about stop compromising, I *KNOW* it’s a very toxic relationship and I want SO bad to stop thinking about him and move on with my life, but it’s so damn hard? Also because, *new developments*..

So basically we said goodbye after that lunch on Friday and I thought that was it, that i wouldn’t hear from him at least for a while.. But then that very night he sends me an audio message in which he tells me that he had gone out for drinks with P and they discussed this thing that happened involving me. 

**FLASHBACK TO THE THING**

So in late August i started talking through Tinder with this guy but we ended up never going out and stopped talking for no particular reason, which wasn’t an odd thing with people met through a dating app. But then one day in October i was going through Fuckboi’s pictures on Facebook and who do I see in most of his group pics? Tinder guy!! Turns out, he’s one of F’s very good friends!!!! So I connect the dots and realize that I had mentioned to Tinder guy where i was working so I thought FOR SURE he told Fuckboi, which was no good bc he’d always make fun of dating apps saying that people that use them are desperate or whores and so on. So i start thinking that maybe Fuckboi only started showing interest in me in September bc he found out that I was on tinder, thereby making me a slut who’d be down for whatever, yk? 

By that point it was all supposition. Then the Halloween incident happened. That night Fuckboi was wasted/high at a party and he sent me a bunch of drunken audio messages to tell me to go over (which for once i didn’t yay good decision making) where you could hear in the background someone yelling though laughter “ask her if she likes Lost”, which is the one thing that me and Tinder guy bonded over in the beginning. So, not good. 

And in order to let you know how dramatic this realization was for me, picture me, driving my car on November 2nd, narrating all the shit happened with F to my girlfriend. Then her asking me if we could hear one of these drunken audio messages bc they were actually kinda funny if you dont think about the context. Me agreeing to it, and since my phone was connected with the car, picture us hearing his stupid voice at a very high volume all around us and all of a sudden a random voice mentioning Lost. The one thing I had talked about with Tinder guy. I had to pull over bc I was having an anxiety attack :))))  

Uh btw on Halloween night I went out with a bunch of friends and there was this one girl that was an intern in the office where F works and she casually told me how F used with her the same techniques he used to get to me, like opening up about his tragic life, showing he was more than a Fuckboi etc. She said she didn’t fall for it and told me that at the end of the day she thought he wasn’t all that bad, bc the reality was that he had always been clear about what he was interested in. So that left me a bit…shaken? The next day I cried all day :))))

**END OF FLASHBACK, BACK TO LAST FRIDAY*

So in the audio he’s like “P came after me telling me she doesn’t believe that i didn’t know anything about my friend and youu, but i sWEAR i didn’t! why would i caRE!” - to which, i mean, he does in fact not care about me so I believed him straight away, but i texted my friend P to understand her point of view on the thing.

[[  Oh yeah he knew that i knew about him knowing about me and Tinder guy bc a couple of weeks ago, on a “date” which should have been the last time we’d see each other (spoiler, it was not), I finally managed to confront him on THE WHOLE THING, including me crushing on him for mONTHS to which he said he had no idea and was flattered, to which i answered that i *was* into him up until i had the chance to know him a little better and realize he was a just a douchebag and that my crush on him vanished (first half of the sentence true, second half not so much. okay not at all)  ]]

So my friend P sends me an audio where she tells me that they had indeed talked about me and Tinder Guy, but in the context of her being iffy to join the app bc she might come across some of Fuckboi’s friends, and she’d rather not. Then they talked about relationships and F was probably being a total pain about him not being able to find the right one and whatnot and P told him that he’s just a egomaniac piece of trash bc he’s had a good girl right in front of him for moNTHS and he’d never done anything about it (she knows everything but he doesn’t know that she knows, or at least not with certainty). To which he had the most Fuckboi reaction. He was like “who?” (did I mention that P ships us? and that he’s an asshole bc jfc i was the only one who fit description). 

After she revealed me as the mysterious perfect match for him, he said that he’d never tried anything with me because -get this- he knew that i was going to leave the city soon so he didn’t want to risk building something that was destined not to go anywhere. LIKE, ????? STOP. AS IF. I obviously don’t believe any of this, but the nerve to say all this bullshit to my friend only not to appear as the piece of trash that he is? he’s trash. 

Okay i’ll stop here, but he’s clearly still in my brain. I’m still working on erasing him, it’s gonna take a while. Thank you for your message, i don’t deserve people being so nice to me when all i do is keep making the same mistakes :(

[dansdraw]

[dansdraw]

When a man wants to be with you, he will BE with you. He will go without sleep, he'll forget to eat, he will ditch his mates all to be with you. Fuckboi is an asshole. Baby you've got to stop wasting your energy on fuckbois when there are Dan Smiths in the world. Dan Smiths will move heaven and earth to be with you. Forget fuckboi and find you a Dan Smith.

My dear anon, thank you for your kind words, you’re so right. ;__; 

I’ve been looking for dan smiths in guys for as long as i’ve been interested in boys, but this has always left me feeling like no one was ever good enough to be worth a try. So i just lived without taking risks in this sense and idk, i feel like I’ve missed on so much. 

This I’ve realized in the past year or so, and I feel like i’ve come to terms with the fact that i’ve over idealized in my head what a guy should be like, and i guess i got tired of being the only one in my friend group that has never had relationshipy stuff, you know? I got disillusioned and realized that real life is much different from the real-life version of bastilledan I dreamt of for so long.

And all of this self-reflection came about at the same time as Fuckboi entered my life. He was the first guy irl in a LONG time that i crushed on, I was SO into him for like 3 months, but I was *certain* he could never be interested in me (and I’m right), simply bc he’s like this super good looking cool confident cocky dude (a Chuck Bass kinda guy, literally, including the family drama which lead him to act that way as a shield for his fragile inner self which he showed me only when we were alone) who’s into super hot girls (which im not, lol). And when he manifested that he could be interested in me and stuff started happening I was head over heels, despite how toxic the whole thing was.

Okay i’ll refrain from blabbering about the full story but thank you, anon, this message has made me smile :)  Like, all my friends have been telling me to just forget him, and I’ve tried to, I really did. Yet each time he texts me my heart skips a beat. Maybe now that we don’t live in the same city I’ll finally be able to leave him behind and leave room in my heart for a real life bastilledan..

[dansdraw]

Okay this is becoming a weird habit but new shit’s happened with Fuckboi and apparently it’s therapeutic for me to write about it so let’s go

[if you’ve got no idea what I’m on about, pls go read the previous post ]

After the random meeting on Wednesday night, against the recommendations of my friends that all agree i should erase him from my life and stop seeing/talking/texting him, I.... texted him like “haha had i known that we’d meet tonight, I could’ve asked you for a lift home” (which references to the fact that each time we’d go out with our friends who don’t know about our “special friendship” -bc he didnt want anyone to know- he’d offer to take me home to get some time alone) 

So we started texting and he ends the convo with “i’ll let ya know about tomorrow”, meaning that he *still* could’ve come to mine to “say bye one last time” the following night. 

The next day I don’t hear from him all day until 11pm when he texts me that he’s super tired after training so he wouldn’t make it - making this the third time he stood me up this week - and asks if I’d come to have lunch with him and our colleagues the next day, which was yesterday, and I’m like “idk we’ll see” and he sends me all these emoji hearts and begs me to go and im like ....okay. 

I would’ve gone anyway to say bye to my other colleagues (last night i officially left the city and moved back home), but once again it felt like I had agreed with what he wanted whICH SUCKS. I hate that he thinks he’s always in control jfc.

So yesterday I went to this lunch. It was weird for me. He was his usual cocky self, talking a lot, making fun of everything, very vulgar and arrogant. That’s him in a social environment in a nutshell. He’s a leo. I’m usually quite talkative too in this sort of situations, especially bc I’m good friends with the other 4 colleagues, but I ended up barely saying a word throughout the lunch. I had so much shit in my head, between moving houses, my graduating, him being a piece of shit to me for all this time and me still being so blindly into him. I’m a gemini.

I had a plan to put him on the spot and try to expose his being a piece of shit: i knew someone would’ve asked me about my transfer back home (not him bc he never asks personal questions, he's just not interested) So I would’ve referenced to something specific about my bedroom that only those who’ve been there would know, and he’s dumb so I knew he would say something about it and THAT would’ve proven that he’s been in my bedroom, therefore exposing him as the Fuckboi that he is. But before i could get to my plan he accidentally exposed himself. 

He asked me if knew who would take my room after I left and I said that it’s a good girl, i wouldn’t want for her to meet him bc he’s trash and she’s nice (the one thing that im happy about is that after many months i’m now able to tell him to his face that he’s trash, an asshole, not a good person but im pretty sure he’s used to be called much worse so it doesn’t bother him). and he went “you dont need to tell me anything, love, I can just go to your place to meet her” !!thereby exposing in front of everyone that he had been to my place!! and when he realized the mistake he immediately added “bc we ALL know where you live”.. yeah right. 

[[ Btw of the 4 colleagues we were with: M and P know all about me and Fuckboi (they’re my girlfriends, M hates him guts and P thinks he’s an asshole but he can still be saved); A knows only about our very first makeout -i was still working in the office back then and it was weeeeird af spending 9 hours a day with Fuckboi pretending nothing happened -; and the other one, G, knows nothing bc she’s the one that replaced me in the office but im pretty sure she suspects a bit, also bc P and A are kinda hardcore me+Fuckboi shippers? yep they both think I can fix him kinda.. it’s a long story ]]

So yeah the lunch’s been okayish, he was friendly to me as usual, said bye with the two kisses on the cheeks (the italian way) and drifted off into the sunset, meaning he went back to work and I went home with the itchy feeling that I won’t see him again in quite some time.

----And tHEN last night I get an audio message from hIM and I’m like WTF. In it, he references to a convo he’s just had with P about mE??? 

Okay I’ll write about this later bc this post’s already too long but If anyone’s read this far, lemme ask: why??? also: I love u!!!!!  pls “heart” this to make me feel less alone in this mess slash to let me know at least I’ve entertained some souls with my shitty existence? thank u bye.

[dansdraw]

update on my messy life which literally sounds like a romcom but it’s not bc no happy ending, only a Fuckboi and me being a mess over him

so i’ve last seen Fuckboi last wednesday (which was a mess in itself, i literally should do a podcast haha) and he told me that he’d come by my flat this week to “say goodbye one last time” (bc since i’m done with uni i’m temporarily moving back in my hometown which is kinda far so we won’t get to see each other and it breaks me but it’s for the best probably). me being a mess with no dignity, on monday i text him like “so when do we meet?” and he replies that he wasn’t feeling well so he’d come by on tuesday after training and i was like ok (he’s a football player, the worst kinda ppl). the next day he sends me this long ass text with all these excuses to basically say that he wouldn’t make it and i’m like “no problem” but im actually v heartbroken bc i realize how he doesnt give a shit and i’m waay too invested? (and it’s the second time that it happens with him but i never learn yay).

 on wednesday (yesterday) i was like “im done with this fuckboiii why do i care SO muchh i dont ever wanna see him agAIN” so i go out with friends and it’s a nice evening, we have drinks and gossip and i confess to my friend that i’ve been seeing him again (she works with him and despises him for being such an awful human to me and in general). then it’s time to go, we exit this fucking random ass bar and mind you, it’s a fucking big city with hundreds of bars all spread out and yep you guessed it HE WAS RIGHT THERE OUTSIDE WITH HIS FRIENDS chatting and being the handsome gorgeous piece of shit that he is. 

So my friend’s like “okay let’s walk fast, he might not see us” bc he IS an egomaniac so it could’ve worked but im like “but i wanna say hi but maybe it’s best if i dont - but i may never see him again” freaking out bc i have feelings for him and when i see his face all my sense of judgement goes to shizz :))) so our other friend (who knows him and thinks that he’s bad but has like a 1% of good in him) takes me under her arm and we start walking past him and i can’t resist but looking at him bc in my eyes he IS so fucking gorgeous like FUCK ME. and we make eye contact.

He immediately leaves his friends, runs towards us and hugs for a good 20 secs my friend first (bc they havent seen eachother in ages) and then comes to hug me and i’m like “no i won’t hug you” and with his beautiful innocent smile he’s like “why” BC YOU CONTINUOUSLY BREAK MY HEART YOU FUCKER and yep i hug him back bc i do everything he wants me to :))). we chat for a few mins but i have no idea what about bc i was still in shock over this casual meeting and then we say bye and he turns to me smiling “I’ll see you at lunch right?” bc tomorrow im supposed to go to lunch with him and other colleagues (we used to work together that’s how we met).

during those five minutes im pretty sure my face was between horror and heart eyes? like i tried to look at all the details of his face bc that might’ve been the last time we’d ever see each other. I’m broken :)))) 

if anyone’s read this far, THANK YOU I LOVE YOU. I’m a mess over this boi who doesn’t give a shit about me. well, that’s not true actually. We *are* friendly, and he’s been clear from the start that he wasn’t interested in anything serious. but i was already desperate for him since waay before this all even started. that’s my fault. i still want him so bad but he’s such a Fuckboi. 

[dansdraw]

How would you describe the vibe of the upcoming album?

Dan: The upcoming album is kind of like a sad party album. It’s about going out for a night and trying to ignore the world that feels like something that’s imploding and it’s about distracting yourself with alcohol and friends and bad stuff. It’s about escapism and hedonism, and it’s kind of euphoric and sad. I think it’s some of the best music we’ve ever made.