dantessssdiary - Tumblr blog

[dantessssdiary]

Kid, what do you think I strapped it on with? The demon-armor bike didn’t exactly come with a cargo rack.

quarantine day 100: suddenly my sneakers have converted into crocs and socks, and I see Halloween decorations being put up,,, Didn’t september just start????

[dantessssdiary]

As much as I’d like that, people don’t seem to tip flying demons nearly as well as grungy 40-somethings. I’ve tried.

I think it’s pity, but honestly, I’ll take what I can get.

quarantine day 100: suddenly my sneakers have converted into crocs and socks, and I see Halloween decorations being put up,,, Didn’t september just start????

[dantessssdiary]

Are you the one racking up my credit bill on food delivery?

V, they’re making me Pay them back by doing more runs for them. Cavaliere is NOT set up for takeout delivery. The insulated box REALLY cramps it’s style.

quarantine day 100: suddenly my sneakers have converted into crocs and socks, and I see Halloween decorations being put up,,, Didn’t september just start????

[dantessssdiary]

Hey for demon slaying does Devil May Cry accept credit cards?

Not since October of 2003.

O’Neil, if you’re out there you son of a bitch, you still owe me six grand and a rental car. Your line of credit SUCKED.

[dantessssdiary]

Fist bump?

I’ll do my best, but it’s mostly just me punching my book lightly here. I hope you’re cosmically getting these.

[dantessssdiary]

How much whiskey does it take to actually get you drunk? I mean it's clear you aren't a lightweight like Vergil

Too much.

Listen, kids, find healthy coping mechanisms and occasionally get some help, your friendly neighborhood devil for hire is a terrible example for the masses on dealing with, well, Anything Traumatic.

Also, I think the demon genes made the human body mutate. My guess is that my liver just assumes ethanol is part of my blood and let’s it through now.

Is that why I’m on fire more now? Hm.

[dantessssdiary]

*starts blasting the Pizza Time music Base Boosted version just as stacks of pizza boxes appear full and paid for*

Yknow. This could be worse. But I think my eardrums are rupturing. Vergil May or may not be screaming or yawning I can’t tell.

I’m gonna close the magic book so my eardrums can heal. Thanks for the pizza I guess?

I should get a firewall on this thing...

[dantessssdiary]

Petition to let you say fuck

People like to joke around that I don’t pay attention. The fact of the matter, my small sunglassed friend, is I pay a helluva lotta attention, especially to what I’m doing, and how it makes people react. It’s not empathy, it’s performance art.

So, I promise this is going somewhere, consider how often I curse. Sure I’ve gotten more lax with age, but honestly. It’s not often right?

So imagine Nero’s shock and awe when old Dante drops a complicated f-bomb based insult on him, in the field, not another ear for miles. That I, a man who hasn’t audibly said that since my 20’s, suddenly dropped a five minute F-apolooza?

Who would ever believe him?

[dantessssdiary]

What's you favorite flavor chap stick?? Mines cherry. 🍒

You know you’re not supposed to just eat it right?

Jokes aside, I don’t wear any, so I can’t say I’ve developed a preference.

As I’m writing this I’m remembering I’ve had complaints about my lips being as chapped as my ass, so I think I’m going to the corner store and developing a preference soon.

[dantessssdiary]

Hey Dante,just out of curiosity,how can your body survive getting impaled so many times?

The short answer: Magic

The long answer: Deeeeeemon Blood Magic

Look, I’m not a scientist, I just get injured a lot, and seem to come out right as rain. I’m not gonna complain too much. Or investigate, for fear it’ll somehow leave me like a scared bird to the wind.

[dantessssdiary]

Hey Dante, what are your favorite and least favorite demons to fight if you have any?

Look. Genocide is never the answer. But if whatever demons the Blitz is based on could vanish without me meeting them forever, that’d be a-ok in my book.

On the other side of the coin, I kinda miss the whole family of Sins from Vergil’s List Goofs, Gaffs, and Disasters, Volume 3. Spooky reaper skeletons they were, but the variety of them always felt fun to take on with Rebellion. They vanished with Temen, as far as I know, but I got me a Bloody Palace, so I guess they’re never really gone.

If you want me to name names, Nightmare’s original incarnation is cordially invited to never ever happen ever again.

And lastly, my favorite demon to duel is of course my one and only brother. He knows how I think, and I know how he does too, so the only way we get a win over the other is to surprise ourselves. And ever since it stopped being about sincerely killing eachother, well, the fun factor went up a lot.

[dantessssdiary]

Oh thank God, Money.

I haven’t been on a proper job in months. Back now though, that was fun. Wrapped up relatively quick too, and best part?

Only got impaled once!

I’m getting really distrustful of religious institutions though. Too many Evil Priests for my taste. I’m getting tired of it, feels repetitive after awhile y’know?

All the anarchists and atheists I meet hunt demons, none of them summon them. I’m living an allegory, and it makes my head hurt.

[dantessssdiary]

Listen, at the time, I had things to do, and children to save from evil super-popes. Also, I thought he was dying faster than he was. That’s not much better, but the point stands.

I’ll be honest, my faith is low. I won’t meddle this time, because I think him sinking or swimming by himself at least once will help everyone, but if he acts like me much longer, I’m slapping his ass for copyright infringement. There’s only room for so many super powered dumbasses in the world, maybe percussive maintainence will set him straight.

I like the way you phrase that. Won’t hold me to it implies not exactly against it. Noted. Not like I needed that reminder, considering where we are.

If you need some reminding however, I think I’m more than happy to satisfy.

You know @dantessssdiary , when you offered me a back massage I was expecting it to be more relaxing and less you unsuccessfully using tact to try and pry into my non existent love life.

I’ll give you an option. Either you can keep on rubbing my back and we can just enjoy each other’s company, or we can honestly have the conversation you keep biting your tongue about. I’ll honor either one you chose, just remember one is more dangerous than the other.

[dantessssdiary]

Frankly It sounds like you need me to go back a few hours earlier than the backrub, sweet sugary hell.

Do I need to take him out first? Does he need an example? I’m distinctly afraid he needs an example, separate from you. Because you’re right, you should maybe let the ball roll in his court for a little while.

Plus, I think I owe him one. It took me walking through hell again to put it together, but I think I let him bleed out on the concrete while I was saving my nephew’s ass, and I just realized that may have been a dick move, and this seems like as good a way as any to pay him back.

Technically I owe you a date too I think. Or does this backrub count, in light of the myriad complexities introduced into our friendship in the last week-or-two-weekish?

You know @dantessssdiary , when you offered me a back massage I was expecting it to be more relaxing and less you unsuccessfully using tact to try and pry into my non existent love life.

I’ll give you an option. Either you can keep on rubbing my back and we can just enjoy each other’s company, or we can honestly have the conversation you keep biting your tongue about. I’ll honor either one you chose, just remember one is more dangerous than the other.

[dantessssdiary]

I believe the threat, trust me I don’t want you outta here. And, this whole time apart thing seems to be playing into my hand at least, so I can’t really complain. Or find fault.

Especially if I don’t want you out of said bed.

But! All that said, it sounds like you two need a date, a proper one on one, get to know you, share some wine and a pasta dish before picking at a dessert together, Classic D-A-T-E Date.

Y’know, like how generations of suiting pairs have done before you.

Or I can do like that Roxanne flick starring Steve Martin. I’ll hide in a bush and feed him lines, you’ll fall in love with him, then someone will insult my nose at a charity auction and I’ll do a way better job of insulting my own nose.

You know @dantessssdiary , when you offered me a back massage I was expecting it to be more relaxing and less you unsuccessfully using tact to try and pry into my non existent love life.

I’ll give you an option. Either you can keep on rubbing my back and we can just enjoy each other’s company, or we can honestly have the conversation you keep biting your tongue about. I’ll honor either one you chose, just remember one is more dangerous than the other.

[dantessssdiary]

I noticed, you haven’t gotten out of my bed for a full day almost.

I’m kidding, I’m kidding, but I see your point. “Do you have feelings, or do you have meddling friends?” The great debate of anyone relatively fresh (or fresh again) to the dating scene. For what it’s worth, you absolutely have meddling friends.

As for your feelings, I don’t need an answer, I know you at least are into the guy, but what are you gonna do about that, and how much effort are you willing to put in about it? Because it seems like you might need to be both the carrot, and the stick here, because someone, or ones, are being a bit thickskulled about how to go about this whole “I want to be dating, and I want you” thing.

Or maybe I’m completely misreading this and you’re about to kick off the loaned shirt, whadda I know?

You know @dantessssdiary , when you offered me a back massage I was expecting it to be more relaxing and less you unsuccessfully using tact to try and pry into my non existent love life.

I’ll give you an option. Either you can keep on rubbing my back and we can just enjoy each other’s company, or we can honestly have the conversation you keep biting your tongue about. I’ll honor either one you chose, just remember one is more dangerous than the other.

[dantessssdiary]

Nah hun, he’s dense as a box of rocks, I don’t think this one’s on you. I do think someone needs to take him out as an example, but I mean on a date.

Strictly speaking I think he’s already been on the end of the other meaning, and I was there for it. He got better.

But, seems to me the boy’s never had a lot of good romance examples in front of him, from a first, second, or third person perspective. That, mixed with a generally relaxed and, —crap what’s the word lesbian science fair? Something like that—attitude towards most things these days, leads Credo to make the fatal mistake of Giving Up Too Fast.

But it’s not because he’s disinterested, and I don’t think you are either. Unless I’m distinctly misreading you here Lu.

You know @dantessssdiary , when you offered me a back massage I was expecting it to be more relaxing and less you unsuccessfully using tact to try and pry into my non existent love life.

I’ll give you an option. Either you can keep on rubbing my back and we can just enjoy each other’s company, or we can honestly have the conversation you keep biting your tongue about. I’ll honor either one you chose, just remember one is more dangerous than the other.