daorginalcw

[daorginalcw]

Today at the age of 39, I will be closing a chapter of this journey. I have been battling if I could/should want to be extremely transparent about my previous journey or not. I’ve realized my story might help someone & myself move forward. This will not be a happy, happy, Joy, Joy post. So if you stop reading now I understand.

After thousand of dollars & hundreds of shots, The IVF process didn’t work. My husband & I found out that My egg Reserves has Diminished. The act of seeing a little me running around isn’t going to happen.

At first I was in denial. Now I’m just angry. I use to try bargaining with God. Like if I say this or do that, Will you please God bless me with a baby. Everyday I feel more depressed than the day before. I’m now arriving at acceptance. Not that I’m happy about it, I just know I can’t control the things I can’t change. All of this is apart of my grieving process. It’s been devastating & Exhausting.

In The Black community we shy away from discussing Women & Men Infertility issues. Instead, It’s a bunch of people whispering behind your back. Judging you about something you can’t control. People creating false narrative about your life, Or even people with good intentions saying insensitive things.

We as a Black Society should discuss real issues that can plague our community.

Did you know that 12% of All women have infertility issues? Black women are twice as likely to have fertility issues.

Out of all those women, only 8% of Black women seek help. I couldn’t find any reliable stats on Black Men because A lot of Black men don’t get themselves checked out, or inquire about their semen count until it too late.

Just something to think about.

Here a few things about my previous journey that will not come with me into my new season.

I wasn’t then or now miserable (Wrenchly Unhappy) that I haven’t or won’t be able to have my own child. I’m just hurting.

I only wish people who do have children truly appreciate the gift God has given them.

I don’t want to talk about Adoption. We’re not ready at this time to make that decision. I’m not sure if I even want a child at all Now.

Although, I know everything happens for a reason. I constantly question God.

Why US?

Why can’t two people who loves each other produce an offspring?

Why God decided that some people who can’t care emotionally or physically for children have them & others can’t?

Why do people assume that having children define you as a person?

When people say things like: If I didn’t have kids I would be shopping & traveling. Etc. All I think about is we both wish we had the other persons problems.

I wish I could see my baby first walk. Hear their first word. Go to a dance recitals, Soccer, basketball, baseball, Football games. PTA meetings. You name it.

I’m searching for my purpose in life. I know a lot of people aren’t going to understand because neither do I. But here we are! I haven’t lost faith in God. I’m just opening my heart to him more for my new purpose.

If you take anything away from this post it should be

1. Go to a doctor & check your egg reserve or sperm count.

2. Freeze your eggs or sperm. So you can have your blessing later.

3. Talk to your daughters about storing & freezing their eggs in their 20’s or early 30’s

4. Not having children doesn’t make you least then a woman or Man

5. I have new trigger words & statements Now, that can set me off. So don’t say no smart ass shit because I’m not in a forgiving space.

6. You can’t control everything.

7. DO NOT ASK ME HAVE WE TRIED EVERYTHING BECAUSE IF WE DIDN’T I WOULDN’T HAVE MADE THIS POST.

God has truly blessed me with an amazing husband and no matter what goes on, He has always wanted the best for me. He has always provided me with understanding, kindness, respect, unconditional love & a listening ear. He’s not a man to show his emotions often but I know he’s trying to be strong for the both of us. I know he’s hurting & I hurt for him too. 😢 He would be upset if he knew that I’m worried about him. We be over here trying to out love each other. It’s corny I know but it’s our thing. 🤷🏾‍♀️😭😭

I can’t end this post without talking about Jhyair. I know a lot of people who don’t know me personally may think he’s our biological son. Jhyair’s biological parents are Wana & Jeff. We’re his God Parents. Wana & Jeff was sent by God to help us through this process, this void & this grief. Without them We wouldn’t have this amazing little boy that turns a lot of our bad days into good ones. Jhyair is one of the reasons I get out of bed everyday. Some people don’t understand our relationship & that’s ok I’ve learned. Just know that he has 4 parents that loves him more than anything on this planet. He is showered with an abundance of love & care. We are so grateful to have him.

To the rest of our support system whether it was emotionally or financially Thank You All. It’s too many to list, but Please Know, WE LOVE & APPRECIATE Y’ALL SO MUCH.

Oh Thank you to the people that read the whole thing. Ninja You made it! 😂😂

And Happy Birthday to Me!

May My New Journey Begin!!!

[daorginalcw]

Day 5

I reached out to my insurance company to see if I could get my money back since my treatment was cancelled. They informed me that I would have to get an itemized bill to see how much I could get back. Straight bull crap! Oh & they are going to call me today to give information about my coverage on donor eggs. I’m going to Here them out but apart of me feels like using someone else’s egg. Is just like adopting. I don’t know if I want to do it. My husband & I talked about it. He said he wants to do whatever I decide but I think he wants to do it but he’s afraid of telling me. I’ll keep up posted on what the insurance company say. Yesterday was a hopeful day.

[daorginalcw]

Day 4

I woke up in a daze. This shit has really happened.No children for us. Every time I think about it, it makes me hurt more. My heart aches. Like a pain you want to rub but can’t reach the spot. Sad isn’t it.

Well I have nothing to do today but clean the other half of my room & fold clothes. I’m just trying to stay busy.

[daorginalcw]

Day 3

It’s a little better today. I saw my counselor. She feels that I’m grieving at this time & writing this blog is good for my recovery. I feel like I have no purpose in life. Not like suicidal or anything, but Like what do I do now. I’ll never be the parent I’ve always seen myself being. I just wished I knew why I’m here. 

[daorginalcw]

Everyday I wake up so blessed & I still I ask God Way US Lord. Why Us?

[daorginalcw]

Day 2

I woke up even more angry.

Why would God not let me be able to have a child of my own?

If God’s know exactly what is in store for you? And he is always right on time, then is he saying that I don’t need any kids?

I don’t know who to be angry with at time point. I’m just angry!

[daorginalcw]

Today was a rough day. My husband & I found out that we will not be able to have a child naturally or through IVF. I’m not able to produce enough eggs that the Dr feels comfortable that they will go through a complete cycle.

I’m devastated.

My husband is very worried about me having a nervous break down. Everyone is telling me to adopt. I never envisioned my life going without a child of my own. I’m so upset. I don’t think I want any children at all at this point. I could just be anger because the news is still fresh.

My husband still wants kids. He wants me to go through another IVF cycle & the DR already stated that he thinks a donor egg is a better option or Adoption. So this is my new chapter of confusing.

[daorginalcw]

Today was a rough day. My husband & I found out that we will not be able to have a child naturally or through IVF. I’m not able to produce enough eggs that the Dr feels comfortable that they will go through a complete cycle.

I’m devastated.

My husband is very worried about me having a nervous break down. Everyone is telling me to adopt. I never envisioned my life going without a child of my own. I’m so upset. I don’t think I want any children at all at this point. I could just be anger because the news is still fresh.

My husband still wants kids. He wants me to go through another IVF cycle & the DR already stated that he thinks a donor egg is a better option or Adoption. So this is my new chapter of confusing.