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Ep. 5 Transcript

Ep. 5 Alpine Escape - Chapter Five

Sophie: Previously on “Dungeons & Queers”...

[RECAP WITH MUSIC IN THE BACKGROUND]

Sophie: The villagers had been rescued and had gone down that path; basically, there’s a local village that some of them have heard of called Northpass Haven… It’s famed as being attacked by orcs and stuff like that and surviving.

With little protective outerwear, these former prisoners move slowly and begin to falter in the face of the relentless mountains.

Mara: We are sending the stronger people ahead and we are staying back with the people who are not doing quite as well.

Sophie: As the alpine forests fade into lush woodlands, a heavily fortified town’s outer wall made of very solid, vertically stacked logs appears in the distance. As you approach, a huge Orog emerges from the forest and fells 4 of the villagers before you can get to them. It’s 3 orcs and an orog - Yeah, you actually, you see Kenwick go down as the Orog sinks its axe into his chest.

[END RECAP]

Announcer: This show is part of the trans podcaster visibility initiative.

[THEME MUSIC]

Sophie: Okay

Credence: Let’s fucking do this cuz Lazza’s not

Mara: Ellywick’s fucking pissed

Credence: Alright. Initiative time?

Sophie: Initiative time

[DICE ROLLS]

Mara: Euch. It’s a garb roll

Sophie: What’d you get?

Credence: I got 17. [PAUSE] Okay???

Sophie: Yeah. It’s just, I’ve got 7 people in initiative right now.

Credence: So it’s an orog and 3 other orcs? Or just 2?

Sophie: Yup. 3 orcs.

Credence: Okay

Mara: 4 Enemies total

Joe: Dang. how’d they catch up with us?

Sophie: They’re very good at what they do.

Mara: Says Sophie. Says the DM whose upset with them trivializing her fights.

Sophie: This is in the plan! I can show you. I can show you - look!

Mara: [DISBELIEVING] Uh-huh. Uh-huh. [LAUGHING] Okay.

Sophie: I actually - I eliminated one orc because basically I took two encounters and mashed them up.

Mara: It’s a mash-terpiece.

Sophie: It’s a mash-terpiece. Yes. Okay! So, first in the order is the orc whose mother named it Orc 3

[SNICKERING]

Joe: Auch. That motherly love.

Sophie: Yeah. [DICE ROLLS] Awwww it’s a critical miss against Lazza.

Mara: Yayyyy!!! Ayyyyyy!

Sophie: [EXASPERATED] Oh boy.

Credence: Lazza just laughs at him.

Sophie: Yeah. I think actually in game he’s so surprised to see it’s you, that he just misses.

Mara: Heh! ~WhooOOooooh~

Sophie: “Wait. What’re you doing here” Okay! Lazza. You’re up next.

Credence: Okay. Lazza is going to rage. She’s . . . she’s . . . yeah. She’s fucking pissed about this situation. So that means that “she has advantages on strength checks and strength saving throws, + 2 damage with melee attacks, resistance to bludgeoning, slashing, and piercing damage.”

Sophie: Okay

Credence: ‘And it lasts for one minute or end when knocked out or if she hasn’t dealt any damage or taken any damage in a turn. She enters that as a bonus action. “ She’s gonna have her shield out and she’s gonna do a one handed swing with her battle axe at the dumbass who just tried to attack her.

Sophie: Okay

Credence: Well, actually, how close are the others?

Sophie: Close enough that you could attack them

Credence: Nahhh, nah. She’s gonna get rid of him. She’s not gonna Reckless Attack this time. [DICE ROLLS] Alright, so we’ve got an 11 . . . + 6 . . ..

Sophie: Yup. That does it

Credence: Okay. So 17. So she does 1d8 + 6 cuz she’s in rage.

Sophie: Okay

Credence: [DICE ROLLS] So 4 + 6 is 10.

Sophie: Okay. The orc is badly bloodied, but still on its feet. Kind of about to give up the ghost.

Next in the order is Defiance.

Joe: Alright. So. Curious to know if I’d be able to cast Spare the Dying which is a cantrip on one of the people that got felled. I guess I’m not sure

Credence: I’m guessing that E would want you to do that to Kenway

Mara: Yeah. Buuut.

Sophie: Hmmmm. Can you read me how that works?

Joe: Sure! “You touch a living creature that has 0 hit points. The creature becomes stable. The spell has no effect on undead or constructs.”

Sophie:Okay. So that’s if they’re still alive and not already dead. Like dead. Like not dead, dying. Okay. Is there a particular person you wanna target with this or just whichever one is closest?

Joe: I wanna do a medicine check to see if I can’t discern if at least one of the four people or maybe all four, who knows are indeed just dying and not dead dead.

Sophie: I’d say that’s a perception check cuz medicine is like your ability to heal them. Or maybe and investigation?

Credence: I thought medicine was also for checking the state of somebody’s wounds.

Sophie: Yeah, but given that you’re trying to do multiples -

Joe: S’kind of accessing each quickly

Sophie: And you’re not really trying to learn anything about their wounds, you’re just trying to figure out if they’re dead or not

[DICE ROLLS]

Joe: You said perception? That’s just a 10.

Sophie: I’ll say one of the villagers is fading fast. Kenway and the other four are dead.

Joe: Kay. Alright. Then, I’ll touch that person that is fading, stabilize them, and can I also cast Bless?

Sophie: Is Spare the Dying a cantrip?

Joe: Yes.

Sophie: Okay, then you can do that.

Joe: Then I cast Bless on Ellywick annnnd on Lazza

Sophie: Can you cast it on multiple people?

Joe: “Up to three creatures of my choice”

Sophie: Okay

Joe: “Within range” I’m guessing they’re both within about 30 feet?

Sophie: Yeah and you can cast it on yourself too.

Joe: ‘Kay. I was just gonna ask. Then I’m gonna cast it on myself too then.

Sophie: Unless you wanna cast it on the orog . . .?

[SNICKERS]

Joe: Uhhhhh . . . Pass. So. “Whenever a Blessed creature makes an attack roll or a saving throw before the spell ends, the target can roll a d4 and add the number rolled to the attack or saving throw”

Sophie: And that’s not like a one time use. You can just do that, no?

Joe: Yup

Credence: Okay. And how long does the spell last?

Joe: One minute.

Sophie: Ten rounds of combat. Okay! So you consider yourselves Blessed. Ellywick! You are up next.

Mara: Who put the axe through Kenway’s chest again?

Sophie: We will say the orog did.

Mara: Ellywick is gonna run up to the orog. Cuz I’m assuming that Defiance and Lazza are out of the way of this? At least not within a fifteen foot cube?

Sophie: Yes

Mara: Annnnd Ja boi the orog must make a constitution saving throw cuz Ellywick is going to cast Thunderwave.

Joe: [PAINED] Ooooh.

[DICE ROLL}

Sophie: Ooohhh. 18 plus-

Mara: Yeah that saves. Don’t even worry about it.

Sophie: 18 plus 4 is 22 [LAUGHING]

Mara: Can I use my point of inspiration?

Credence: [INTRIGUED] Ooooooh.

Sophie: Let’s ask Google? Can Inspiration give disadvantage?

Mara: Cuz they’re full of this unholy rage and . . . .I mean it doesn’t matter cuz they’ll still take damage.

Sophie: Yeah. I think I’m gonna allow it because in this stance, you’re not even allowed to make a roll. You in this case - If you were making a ranged attack, you would be able to use that, so it seems acceptable to me that you would be able to use that here.

Mara: Okay

Credence: Mmhmm

Sophie: I think that that’s fine. And if I’m wrong, don’t tweet at me. Consider it a house rule.

[DICE ROLLS] Oof-a-doof-a 4 +

Credence: 4?

Sophie: 4 + 4 is 8

Mara: Yeah. That doesn’t save. So . . . 2d8 fire damage - Er- Thunder damage is 7? Would I just add my spell attack bonus?

Sophie: Your spell modifier.

Mara: Oh! In which case is 12.

Sophie: Okay. 12 damage . . .

Joe: Niiiice

Mara: And push ten feet away

Sophie: We’ll say . . . I’ll give you given that it’s a 15 foot cube, I’ll give you one other orc was in there.

Mara: Okay!

Sophie: 12 damage you said? Pick Orc 1 or Orc 2?

Mara: [DEEP SIGH] Orc 1

Sophie: Okay then he’s killed. He has very low health to begin with. I knew that it would do - He had 12 health so it literally -

Joe: Oh wow! Sophie: I couldn’t make that choice.

Mara: Nice!

[SOMEONE BLOWS A RASPBERRY]

Joe: Murderation!

Sophie: It felt like cheating for me to make that choice having seen it.

Mara: How’s the orog looking?

Sophie: The orog’s fine . . .Pissed off, but fine.

Mara: Sonofa bitch.

Sophie: It’s got a nosebleed.

Credence: It’s the big guy, guys. This is final boss territory.

Sophie: Yup. This fight has a challenge rating well above two, I will tell you.

Credence: Alright.

Joe: [SARCASTICALLY] Yayyyyy

Sophie: So! Next in the order iiiiiis . . . Orc 1 who was just killed, so the orog! Actually. Who is going to run up to Ellywick. [DICE ROLLS] 12 + 6 is 18 vs. AC?

Mara: Yeah. That does it.

Sophie: One d12 plus 4 . . .

Mara: [PAINED] Ohhh God!

[DICE ROLLS]

Sophie: 12 + 4 is 16 damage! -

Mara: Ouch!

Sophie: -with his great axe.

Mara: Oof-a-doof-a. I am currently sitting at . . . 3 health points

Joe: Whhoooooo Boy

Mara: That hurts.

Sophie: You got his attention.

Mara: I guess so!

Credence: Oh boy.

Sophie: Next is Orc 2 who is gonna make an attack on Defiance [DICE ROLLS] What is that? I can’t see

Mara & Joe: 16

Sophie: 16 well that’s enough. It’s 16 plus something.

Joe: Yeah I was gonna say that definitely hits.

Sophie: 16 plus 5 is 21. For all of you that have a hard-on for stats.

[CHUCKLING]

Sophie: Okay. And it’s going to make 1d12 + 3 [DICE ROLLS]

Mara: Shit!

Sophie: Another 12! 12 + 3. 15 damage

Joe: Oof!

Mara: Huh! None of us are looking to hot. Well. Lazza’s fine.

Credence: I’ve got . . . I mean. We never rested, so I still only have 20 hit points?

Joe: Mmmmm?

Mara: Yeah, but compared to Joe’s 2 and my 3 . . .

Credence: Yeah, if we could do a mass heal, that would be raaaaaad.

Sophie: So next in the order is Orc 3! Top of the order. Who is going to make an attack on Lazza

Credence: Alright

[DICE ROLLS]

Sophie: 14 . . . + 5 . . . 19?

Credence: How the fuck does he have a +5!? That just barely hits.

Sophie: Okay. 1 d12 + 3. 6

Credence: Total of 6?

Sophie: Yeah. Total of 6 slashing damage, which you have resistance to.

Credence: So that means I get 3? Damage, right?

Sophie: Yup.

Credence: Cool! Is it my turn yet?

Sophie: It is your turn. The Orc 3 that just attacked you looks very, very bad off. Very easy to kill. Orc 2 is completely undamaged and looks very robust. And the orog is obviously still doing fine.

Credence: Okay. I’m gonna go ahead and do a Reckless Attack on . .. Orc 2.

Sophie: Okay

Credence: I’m still also Enraged.

Sophie: Yup

[DICE ROLLS]

Credence: AHahah! Second one was a crit!

So I’m doing 1d8 er- like. I’m doing one handed battle axe. I’ve still got my shield out. So that means I roll .. . 3? D8s?

Sophie: Yeah. 3. Cuz you’re a barbarian.

Credence: Yeah because I’ve got the plus one damage dice for on a crit cuz of Savage Attack. And then it’s already a crit. So 3d8 . . . plus 6.

Sophie: Yup

[DICE ROLLS]

Credence: We gotta 6 . . . got an 8! . . . and another 8! So that’s 22 plus . . . 6. So that’s gonna be 28.

Sophie: You take this thing’s head right off.

Joe: Nice

Credence: Excellent! I think When Lazza’s enraged, she’s just like . . .

Joe: UNSTOPPABLE

Credence: Well. I think she’s like laughing like she’s having a ton of fun, but she’s also like screaming in rage. Like it’s back and forth and she’s just . . . a little deranged? But y’know she’s focusing really nicely on what she’s doing, so there’s that.

Sophie: Okay! Next in the order is Defiance

Joe: Okay! So. What is left?

Sophie: Orc 3 is looks really bad off and the orog is looking fine.

Mara: Wait. I thought Lazza just killed Orc 3?

Credence: No. I went after Orc 2 which hadn’t been hit at all.

[CHORUS OF OH’S]

Sophie: Fuckin’ destroyed it in one hit. And that was the toughest of all the orcs. Just so you know.

Joe: Nice! Credence: Excellent. So the - honestly. [STAGE WHISPERED] I think you should heal.

Joe: Yup. So what I’m gonna do is I’m gonna . . . spend my last spell slot to cast Cure Wounds, but I’m also going to use the War Priest ability? I guess you’d call it? Just “Your god delivers bolts of inspiration to you while you are engaged in battle. When you use the attack action, you can make one attack as a bonus action.”

Sophie: But you’re not using the attack action

Joe: Aw fuck. You’re right. Hmmmm.

Sophie: So you gotta pick.

Joe: Shit. Well, I’ll have to use that next round I guess.

Sophie: You can cast a spell and a cantrip this round if there’s a cantrip you wanna cast.

Joe: Mmm. Yeah Maybe. Can I make one more perception check to see if among the people that got cut down, if I missed anybody?

Sophie: If you wanna re-roll your perception check, yeah.

Joe: ‘Kay. If maybe on a second look around [DICE ROLLS] [MUTTERING] That will beee . . . 17?

Sophie: Yeah. You saw everything that there was to see.

Joe: Aw fuck it. As a cantrip, I’ll do Thaumaturgy. I’ll make some of them tremors again. Maybe it’ll at least

Mara: Scurr it.

Joe: Yeah. Maybe it’ll give the orog or the other orc some sort of pause, like. [IN A SILLY VOICE] “Hmmm maybe there are others that we missed”

Sophie: Okay

Joe: You never know. Sophie:But you wanted to cast Cure Wounds?

Joe: But I cast Cure Wounds on myself.

Sophie: On yourself?

Credence: How - How’re you doing? Cuz Ellywick has 3 hit points.

Mara: They’re at 2.

Joe: I have 2 hit points.

Credence: Ooooh. Yeah go ahead and do that.

Mara: Yeah neither of us are well off right now. So.

Joe: Yeah. And if I’m not mistaken, doesn’t Ellywick have Cure Wounds as well?

Mara: I have Cure Wounds.

Sophie: Okay! Roll that dice.

Joe: [DEEP SIGH] Alright.

[SIMULTANEOUSLY]

Sophie: 1d8 plus your spell casting

Joe: [MUTTERED] 1d8 plus my spell casting

Joe: So. [LONG BREATH] [DICE ROLLS]. Aw. That’s disappointing. Just 6. So I’m up to 8.

Sophie: Okay.

Credence: It’s better than nothin’

Sophie: Next in the order is Ellywick.

Mara: Okay. Well. Ellywick is gonna cast Cure Wounds on themself. [DICE ROLLS] Euch! Uh! Christ! Okay. So I get 5 points back, so I am also now at 8 health points.

Joe: Heyyyyy!

Mara: And then as a free action, I’m gonna cast Vicious Mockery. One sec . . . Let me find an insult here.

Credence: Who’re you casting it on?

Mara: It would probably kill Orc . . . which number is it?

[CHORUS OF 3’s]

Mara: Orc 3

Joe: Yeah, whichever one’s left.

Sophie: They were brothers.

Joe: Whomp-whomp

Sophie: Orc 1, Orc 2, Orc 3

Credence: [SINGING] “Heyyyy, brother . . .”

Sophie: [FORCEFULLY] NO. DON’T.

Credence: Just fucking with ya

Sophie: It’s such a good song and it’s gonna make me cry. Especially with that Adventure Zone animation of it.

Credence: I know

Joe: Mmmmmm?

Mara: I think Ellywick is gonna turn to good ol’ Orc 3 and say

Ellywick: Hey! Fuck face! You’re the reason baby gnomes cry.

[DICE ROLLS TWICE]

Mara: For fuck’s sake. That’s a one.

Sophie: Okay. HE is damaged but not down.

Mara: Cuz I don’t add my spell attack bonus to that do I?

Sophie: Hold on. Let me look it up.

Mara: I wouldn’t think so . . . Yeah. I don’t think it does. - Oh! Also! Something I’ve been for- well I’ve just killed everything with it so far. It has disadvantage on its next attack.

Joe: Oh! Nice.

Credence: That’s good.

Joe: Yeah! That’s helpful. It’s the sort of thing that it would normally take pride in, but there’s some part of it that’s -

Sophie: Oh wait! Shouldn’t he have to take a Wisdom saving throw before he takes that damage.

Joe: Oh! Yeah.

Mara: Yeah!

[DICE ROLLS]

Sophie: 19

Joe: Shit!

Mara: Oh. He saves.

Sophie: Yeah

Mara: He’s proud then.

Sophie: He’s like

Orc 3: Yeah! I am! I am the reason baby gnomes cry

Joe: [AS ORC 3]: Glad you could recognize that.

Credence: [AS ORC 3]: I’ve worked really hard to build up this aesthetic.

[CROSSTALK AND CHUCKLING]

Sophie: Okay! What did you wanna-? Oh you cast Cure Wounds as your action.

Mara: Yyup

Sophie: Okay! Next up is the orog

Mara: [WHISPERED]: Fuck!

Sophie: Who is going to make another attack on Ellywick.

Mara: [WHISPERED]: Fuck!

Credence: [PAINED] Ohhh!

[DICE ROLLS]

Sophie: Hold on . . . . That was 13 vs. AC?

Mara: Urhg. Tie goes to the runner. FUCK!

Sophie: That is 1d12

Mara: [LAUGH/CRYING]

Sophie: 1d12 plus 4

[DICE ROLLS] 7 plus 4 11

Mara: Kay. I’m at 8-11. -3. So we’re gonna need to make some death saving throws

Sophie: Which is always exciting. Okay! Next in the order is Orc 3!

Joe: [SOFTLY] Yayyy!

Sophie: Who is going to make an attack on . . . I think he’s not the most strategic in the world, he’s just gonna keep making the attack on Lazza. [DICE ROLLS] Oof. Oof-a-doof-a! That is . .. 20 . . . something.

Credence: Yyyup.

Sophie: 20- something. 23.

Credence: Yyyyyuup. [DICE ROLLS] Was that a - it wasn’t a crit though, right?

Sophie: No. That is 13 slashing damage, which you are resistant to. So do we round up or down?

Mara: Up.

Sophie: Up. So 7 slashing damage.

Credence: Alright. I’m down to 10 hit points.

Joe: Shit.

Sophie: It’s gonna be very interesting if you all die here.

Mara: [SINGSONG] 13 more than I have~

Sophie: And that was the podcast!

Joe: Neat!

Credence: Is it my turn now?

Sophie: It is!

Credence: Does it count as an action to give someone a healing potion?

Sophie: Not to give one, but to use one.

Credence: Okay. So here’s the thing folks. I have a healing potion. But I feel like we’re better off trying to take these guys down. As quickly as possible.

Joe: Mmmmm

Mara: Yeah, I’d say that’s fair.

Credence: So like, I think I’m gonna attack to Orog this turn and then yeah .. . god dammit. Yeah. I think seeing Ellywick get taken down Lazza is going to do a Reckless Attack against the Orog and at this point she’s got her axe out. She’s put her shield away, she’s doin’ her axe two handed against this fucker.

Sophie: Okay.

[DICE ROLLS TWICE]

Credence: Oookay. So I’ve got . . . 25! Does that it?

Sophie: That hits

Credence: Alright, so I get 1d10 plus 6. That’s a 9! So 15 damage.

Sophie: Oof-a-doof-a

Joe: Nice!!!

Credence: Again, to the orog

Mara: Well and can you add Bless to attack rolls? Or is it only saving?

Credence: Oh! Can I add Bless to damage?

Sophie: Not to damage, but to attack rolls.

Mara: Aw okay.

Sophie: Yeah, which that already hit. Okay! He looks pretty bad off. The Orog does. Next in the order is Defiance.

Lazza: Take him down!

Joe: In that case . . .hmm. Curious about this. Since I’m technically gonna do an attack, can I do Spare the Dying on Ellywick and then the two attacks using that War Priest ability?

Sophie: Is that War Priest ability - does it say it’s a bonus action?

Joe: Yes

Sophie: Then, no. you can only have one bonus action.

Credence: I mean, I think Ellywick . . . You can cast Spare the Dying before Ellywick’s next death saving throw.

Sophie: IF! You’re up and alive.

Credence: Sorry, what?

Sophie: If Defiance is still up and alive.

Joe: Well then perhaps keeping more with the character, I’ll do Spare the Dying and then one attack.

Sophie: I mean, this is a pretty desperate situation, so I’m not gonna be like “That’s not a logical character choice”

Joe: No, I know. But . . .

Sophie: Cuz like, Ellywick hasn’t even made one death saving throw.

Credence: I think we should - I think you should try to do -

Joe: [RESIGNED]: I’ll do two attacks.

Sophie: Yeah. Cuz like. I’m the DM. Y’all can do whatever you want.

[DICE ROLLS]

Credence: Who are you attacking?

Joe: Can I split my attack between once with the orc and once with the oroc? Or do I have to attack the same thing twice.

Credence: I honestly - What kind of damage are you rolling? What does your warhammer do?

Sophie: Bludegeoning

Credence: Right. But like 1 d8

[CROSSTALK]

Joe: 1d8+3

Credence: Honestly, I think Lazza’s gonna shout

Lazza: TAKE OUT THE BIG GUY!

Credence: Cuz like, honestly. He still has his turn left and he does a lot of hits.

Joe: Yeah. That’s true.

Credence: 3 has already gone.

Sophie: I will say because you would have noticed by now, the orog is wearing plate armour which is very thick.

Joe: ‘Kay. And just so you know, I’m gonna do the extra Bless for both my attacks too.

[DICE ROLLS] So. Then . . .21 is the first attack. Second attack . . . 22.

Sophie: Those are both against the orog?

Joe: Yeah Sophie: Alright Yeah. Those are both gonna hit. Good job with that Bless spell.

Joe: Aw thanks. [DICE ROLLS] Auch. Bless.

[LAUGHTER]

Joe: Literally. Okay, So. First attack, 9 damage. Second attack is . . .11

Sophie: Okay!

Credence: TWENTY DAMAAAGE

Sophie: You just smash him in the chest twice and his platemail armour just collapses in and he goes down.

Mara: Whooo!

Joe: Auch! Thank god.

Mara: Alright time for me make a saving throw?

Sophie: Yup! Make a death saving throw, Ellywick.

Credence: Wait! So, the orog is dead?

Sophie: Yup! The orog is dead.

Lazza: YESS! GOOD JOB!

Sophie: Ellywick just rolled a critical 20 on a death saving throw so you are stable.

Mara: Oh! [CLAPS HANDS] That’s good!

Joe: Good!

Mara: I didn’t know that’s how that worked.

Joe: Yayyyyyy

Sophie: Yeah, It doesn’t work that way on a critical miss, but on a critical save, you are stable.

Mara: Bless!

Joe: Cool!

Sophie: Next is Orc 3 who is gonna run and make an attack on Defiance who just killed his boss.

[DICE ROLLS]

Joe: Alright

Sophie: What is that?

Joe: Yeah, that definitely hits.

Mara: 14

Joe: Yeah, I gotta 12.

Sophie: Okay. 1d12 + 3 [DICE ROLLS] [LAUGHS] That’s 4 damage.

Joe: Nice. Down to four.

Sophie: Kinda- Kinda clips ya

Joe: Argh.

Mara: ‘Sokay cuz clips pretty bad right now

Joe: Right. Auch. [SUCKS IN AIR]

Sophie: And actually, both of you that are still conscious go ahead and make a perception check.

Joe: Perception? Okay.

[DICE ROLLS]

Credence: I’m gonna add-

Joe: 13

Credence: I’m gonna add the Bless thing, cuz it’s on any check right?

Sophie: It’s not a saving throw or an attack, so no.

[DICE ROLLS]

Credence: Eh-heh. Lazza got a 6.

Sophie: Okay. I think Lazza doesn’t notice, but Defiance notices the gates of the town opening and people rushing out with like - armed people rushing out. So next in the order iiiis . .. . Lazza

Credence: Alright. Llazza’s fucking done with this shit. She’s going to Recklless Attack Orc number 3. Gonna add that d4 as well. Cuz we’re not - We’re not fucking around her. And she’s doing two handed battle axe. [DICE ROLLS] [MUTTERING] Okay . . . so there’s that one. I’m gonna roll both cuz I wanna see if I can crit [DICE ROLLS] Noooooo. Okay. First one was 19?

Sophie: Yup! That hits.

Credence: Alright, so we get 1d10 + 6 [DROPS DICE] Oops! Sloppy dice. Sloppy, sloppy dice. Alright she only hits for 8.

Sophie: Yup! That is more than enough. You kill this last orc as the village militia runs up to you.

Credence: Phbth. Oh boy

Lazza: I’m not one of them! I just - I just stopped ‘em!

Sophie: Okay. So. Yeah. You all are the remaining villager that you spared - and kind of all the bodies are brought in.

Joe: I thought there was like 2? And then one that I spared that got cut down.

Credence: No there was two - well two died earlier. And then we got four . .. .

Sophie: Oh yeah! There were four remaining villagers and they ran off and they were actually probably pounding on the doors and they’re what allerted the local militia that something was even up.

Joe: Okay! Gotcha, gotcha.

Credence: And then the four who went down, you stabilized one of them?

YEah

Joe: I’ll carry that one in.

Sophie: Death shrouds are put over the lost, and

Mara: Ellywick unconsciouses unconsciously

Credence: Lazza’s carrying . . .I think Lazza picked up Ellywick. I think Lazza picked up Ellywick and is kind of barking orders at the people making sure that they’re really carefluy with Kenway. And like, also kind of trying to make sure that they don’t do anything with Kenway until Ellywick is awake.

Mara: Awwwe

Sophie: Okay. Yeah.

Joe: Say some last rights for them.

Sophie: I think that’s the episode. The next one we will deal with the conclusion of this and some table talk

Mara: Cool!

Credence: Lookit! Lazza cares about Ellywick.

Mara: [LAUGHING] I know, I know.

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Ep. 4 Transcript

Ep. 4 Transcript: Alpine Escape — Chapter 4

Begin:

Sophie: Previously on “Dungeons & Queers”...

[RECAP WITH MUSIC IN THE BACKGROUND]

With little protective outerwear, these former prisoners move slowly and begin to falter in the face of the relentless mountains. Allow the group to stop and find shelter for the night and risk losing the head start you achieved, or you can continue on and risk the deaths of some of the older and younger villagers due to exposure and cold.

Mara: We are sending the stronger people ahead and we are staying back with the people who are not doing quite as well.

Sophie: He pulls out this large gold coin.

Kenway: This was my dad’s. He gave it to me before he died, and he told me that as long as I had it, it would keep me safe.

Sophie: In your restless dreams that night, Lazza, you hear voices whispering. You hear one voice in particular that’s like [HARSHLY] “Trust the harper!” And you wake up with a start.

Lazza: What the hell is a harper?!

[END RECAP]

Announcer: This show is part of the trans podcaster visibility initiative.

[THEME MUSIC]

Sophie: Okay! Alright, so, you wake up the next day, very early in the morning, and you get moving with the sound of orc horns in the distance.

Joe: [SOFTLY] Shiiiiiet…

Sophie: You run down the side of the mountain as midday breaks, eventually abandoning the bare rocky cliffs for the cover of an alpine forest. Soon, two orcs appear, running quickly and gaining on you. The party— er, the villagers continue on as you fall back to take out the pursuers. Let’s roll some initiative!

Credence: [IN A SILLY VOICE] HELL YEAH!~

[DICE ARE ROLLED THREE TIMES]

Mara: That is . . . 18.

Credence: Ja boi got 21!

Sophie: Jeez.

Joe: [SINGSONG] Nice!

Sophie: Okay, hold on. So...that’s not how you spell “orc.”

Credence: [laughing] It’s three letters!

Sophie: It is, and I mixed two of ‘em up.

Credence: “Ocr!”

Joe: Language is fluid and always creative. Do it how you like.

Sophie: And what did you get?

Joe: I got 13.

Sophie: Okay… Couldn’t remember what your character’s name was, even though I helped you pick it … Okay! First in the order is Lazza.

Joe: Hell yes.

Credence: Okay, and so, we’ve got two attackers?

Sophie: Yep, they’re scouts. So they’re much faster than the rest.

Credence: Okay, so we’re probably gonna have more coming up?

Sophie: If ya hang around…~

Credence: I’m going to… Or, Lazza is going to… We’ll have her have her shield out, so she’s got her shield and then her battle axe. I’m going to use Reckless Attack, so “on the first attack of my turn, I can use this to gain an advantage on all my melee attacks for the rest of my turn; attack rolls against me have advantage until my next turn.”

Sophie: Okay.

Credence: So what do these boys look like? Is one of them carrying a battle axe? Is… What are the weapons that they’re holding? I wanna know who’s gonna be dealing the most damage.

Sophie: Okay! Make a perception check.

Credence: [MUTTERING TO SELF] Of course. [NORMAL VOICE] Let’s see . . . that would be a 12.

Sophie: They are both carrying great axes.

Credence: Like, big axes?

Sophie: Yeah, great axes, like two-handed axes.

Credence: Okay

Joe: [QUIETLY] Fun.

Credence: [RESIGNED] Alright, I’ll go for the one on the left, I guess. And I get advantage on attack rolls, so that’s good… One-handed battle axe here, so… [ROLLS DICE] Ooh! I gotcha a 20!

Sophie: Natural 20?

Credence: Natch 20!

Joe: Oh, heck yes!

[GROUP TRIUMPHANTLY HUMS/SINGS IN THE BACKGROUND]

Joe: Airhorn! Airhorn!~

Credence: So I roll 1d8 plus 4? And then…

Sophie: And then another d8. You roll 2d8 plus 4.

Credence: Okay, excellent. [MUMBLING TO SELF] That is not a d8, that is a d10. [ROLLS DICE] First one was a 5, second one was a 2, so I got...7 + 4… 11 damage.

Sophie: Okay, you just totally leap in and just kind of sink the axe into this thing’s chest, and it is not down, but it is bloodied. How much damage did you say you did?

Credence: 11.

Sophie: 11? Okay, yeah, it is about to give up the ghost already. That was a good attack. Next in the order is the orc that you didn’t attack.

[CHORUS OF “OOH” AND “UH-OH”]

Sophie: He is going to run over and make an attack against you.

[DICE ROLL]

Credence: Lazza?

Sophie: Yeah, Lazza. 13 versus AC? Oh, with advantage, pardon me.

Credence: Yeah, you do get advantage.

Sophie: Oh. No, it’s still 13 versus AC.

Credence: Not gonna do it. Ya girl here, Lazza, has an armor class 18.

Sophie: Wow

Mara: Dayum!

Joe: Woaaah! Nice!

Sophie: It’s ‘cause she’s not wearing any armor, so she gets to wear her — ‘cause she’s a barbarian, she gets to use her constitution.

[MORE AWED CROSSTALK]

Joe: Oooh sheeit . . . That’s bad as hell.

Credence: I get dex and my constitution, plus I’ve got my shield out, so… Got 18.

Sophie: I think you catch this thing’s attack on your shield, probably. Okay, next in the order is Ellywick.

Mara: Um, okay. I’m going to attack the one that is worse off with a longsword. [ROLLS DICE] I don’t suppose 11 does it, huh?

Sophie: Nope.

Mara: Okay, as a bonus action, though… They are going to cast Vicious Mockery.

Sophie: Is that a cantrip?

Mara: Yes.

Sophie: Okay.

Ellywick: So ah, what’re you gonna do for a face when the monkey wants his ass back?

[GROUP CACKLING AND CROSSTALK]

Credence: Jesus

Mara: And our friend over here needs to make a wisdom-saving throw.

Sophie: Oookay [ROLLS DICE]

Credence: Definitely the strong suite of all of this

Sophie: [DISAPPOINTED] Ooh! Ooooooh! That is gonna be a 4.

Mara: And that doesn’t cut it. So 1d4 psychic damage, or…?

Sophie: Uh . . . you were doing that against the wounded orc?

Mara: Yes.

Sophie: Your mockery actually kills it!

[CHEERING AND LAUGHING]

Mara: YEEES!!!

Joe: Oh my gooood!

Sophie: Much to Lazza’s horror!

Credence: Lazza’s just like… Lazza’s at first laughing, ‘cause it’s great, right, but just like —

Lazza: Heheheh— WHAT THE FUCK?!

Sophie: Like, you literally say, “What’re you gonna do for a face when the monkey wants its ass back?” and its eyes roll in the back of its head and it keels over, dead.

[LAUGHTER]

Credence: Yeah, Lazza takes a sidestep away from Ellywick…

[SNORTING]

Sophie: Ah, well, that orc is out of initiative now.

Joe: Jesus.

Sophie: Oh boy. Next in the order is Defiance.

Joe: Alright. I’ll step on over to the other orc, then, and make an attack. I’m gonna use my warhammer one-handed. [ROLLS DICE]

Sophie: Can you use a warhammer one-handed?

Joe: Yup. It’s versatile, so you can use it one- or two-handed. Uh… Does 12 hit?

Sophie: Nope.

Joe: Dicks. Alright.

Sophie: Okay, next in the order is Lazza.

Credence: Okay! Um… So Reckless Attack has ended now. I don’t know how many times I can use that, actually… hold on

Sophie: I should not have made you guys level 2. I was just so worried that this was gonna be so tough and that y’all weren’t gonna be able to handle it, and like, I don’t think y’all have even taken damage yet in this fucking campaign.

Joe: Just wait though, I’m sure we’re gonna find some orc raiding party and be like, “Oh shit!”

Sophie: “When you make your first attack on your turn, you can attack recklessly…” Yup, yup, that’s fine. You can do that! You can just do that every time if you want.

Credence: Yeah, I… I mean, I don’t get bonus attacks yet. So… Yup, alright, so we’ll do Reckless Attack again and I’ll be doing one-handed battle axe again. [ROLLS DICE] Ja boi just got another crit!

Joe: Oh heck yeah!

Credence: Hell yeah!

Mara: [LAUGHING]

Credence: ‘Nother 20! Fuck yeah! Oh, what a day! Oh!

Sophie: [DEEP SIGH] Y’all are really trivializing this fight…

Mara: We’re just rollin’ well!

Joe: I dunno, but I haven’t hit anything yet

Credence: Yeah! ‘Cause we’re damn good! ‘Cause Lazza knows how to kill shit!

Sophie: No, I think it’s because Quinn has a dice with twenty 20s on it.

Credence: No, Quinn just got lucky! Do you remember how bad I was rolling last week? Er, last record?

Mara: That’s true.

Credence: It was shit! It was terri-bad! [ROLLS DICE] Ooh, 7! And… [ROLLS DICE] 8! Oh! So 15 + 4 is 19!

[CHORUS OF “OOHS”]

Mara: Kill ‘em

Credence: Do I get it? Did I kill it?!

Sophie: It is still up…

[DISBELIEVING CROSSTALK]

Sophie: It is still very much on its, uh . .. on its last leg.

Credence: Okay, wait, did you just up the challenge of this dude mid-fight?!

Sophie: No! I would never do that!

Credence: [IN DISBELIEF] “Never”?

Mara: “Never”!

Credence: But you are going to have to describe to me how cool it looks doing 19 damage on this fucker.

Sophie: I think that, actually, y’all have never played Fire Emblem: Path of Radiance, but there’s this class in there actually called “berserker,” which is their barbarian, and when they get a crit, they actually like hold their axe out at their side and just spin around a ton, and then leap up into the air and come crashing down on a foe, and I think that’s definitely what happened here.

Joe: Nice bit of acrobatics.

Sophie: Yeah

Credence: I am proficient!

Sophie: Yeah

Joe: Oh wow, really?

Sophie: Well, that orc that you maimed severely is going to make an attack on you with advantage. [ROLLS DICE] Oof-a-doof-a. Uh…[ROLLS DICE] Yup! That’ll, that’ll do it.19 + 3, 22?

Credence: Alright, that hits.

Sophie: Okay. [ROLLS DICE] 12 damage.

Mara: Owie.

Credence: Eh, I got 27 hit points.

Sophie: I should’ve made you guys level 1. This is ridiculous.

Mara: Alright, so my turn? Um… We’re just gonna go right out of it with the Vicious Mockery.

Joe: Christ on a cracker.

Mara: Yup, Yeah And… So, our dear Ellywick says…

Ellywick: Hey, wait, wait! Before ya die here, I was just wondering, what did you want us to put on your headstone?

Sophie: Mm, that one wasn’t as good.

Mara: No. [ROLLS DICE, LAUGHS] That doesn’t do it.

Sophie: Does a 6 save?

Mara: Nooope. Not against 13! [ROLLS DICE] And another 4.

Sophie: Another 4, god damn it! Okay, yeah, its eyes roll in the back of its head and it fucking dies.

[CACKLING FROM PLAYERS]

Joe: I think even Defiance looks at Ellywick like, “What the fuck?”

Mara: And Ellywick has a big grin on their face, just like, “Did I do a good job?”

Sophie: [SIGHING] Yeah, you did fine.

[LAUGHING AND CROSSTALK]

Mara: And god siiighs.

Lazza: Okay...did you just kill that guy with a bad… That wasn’t even… How did you… MAGIC IS FUCKED UP. Why can’t you just stab a guy?!

Ellywick: I mean… I mean I CAN. I can do both. But like, one of those is a physical injury, but one of those is a mental injury, and I find those are much harder to get over, don’t you?

Lazza: Don’t...talk to me.

[LAUGHING]

Credence: So are we seeing more orcs approaching slash do we see if our party of weak folks is getting away nicely?

Mara: Sophie is so upset right now. Oh, honeeeey… She’s just real sad that we killed her playthings.

Sophie: No, I’m fine! Y’all didn’t even bust out any spell slots or anything. It’s fine.

[LAUGHING]

Joe: I mean arguably, I’m gonna have to to uh . . .

Credence: You definitely - I definitely wanna be healed, like, 12 damage was kind of a big hit.

Joe: Right

Sophie: Okay, if you wanna resolve that now you can do that.

Credence: Right but like, what’s the immediacy of our situation?

Sophie: The immediate situation . . . You hear orc horns pretty far off in the distance. These scouts have gone way far ahead . . . Uh Probably farther than was wise. Because they were really sure that they could just kill a bunch of unarmed villagers. Ya know

Mara: They got dead though. Sophie: Yeah. Um they got viciously mocked -

Mara: [LAUGHING] To death

Sophie:- and attacked to the max.

Sophie: [INFOMERCIAL TONE] Hi. We’re having fun here, but we’re gonna talk about something serious quick. Millions of orcs every year are viciously mocked to death by bards. For just pennies a day, your contribution can go to therapy to help them recover the psychic damage that typically kills them when they’re not prepared to deal with the consequences.

Credence: Are you kidding?! Like . . . Lazza’s definitely gonna need therapy

Sophie: For just pennies a day folks.

[SINGING] In the arms of an angel

Credence: Oh boy. Oh boy. Okay. Sooo . . . They’re pretty far off. How are our villagers doing? Are they gettin’ along okay?

Sophie: Yeah, they’re like cheering for you.They didn’t get very far because y’all handled this fight very quickly. So I think they wait for you to catch up. Ya know they were - Joe: Do they get like a morale boost?

Sophie: I’ll actually say that because I don’t wanna . . . I’m not gonna make a habit of rewarding you when you break my game. But because that was such good podcasting, I’m gonna give Ellywick a point of inspiration.

Mara: HELL YEAH!

Credence: [DEJECTED] Oh. Okay

Sophie: Just for ending /both/ of them just with the same cantrip, and rolling 2 4s, and . . .

Mara: So how does that work again?

Credence: What about Lazza’s two crits? Oh! And I forgot . .. Okay, it didn’t matter, but on crits hit with melee weapons, I can roll an extra +1 damage dice. Like, l roll it 3 times instead of twice.

Joe: Oh heck!

Sophie: Oh. Okay well you shoulda done that cuz that would’ve been cool, but remember that for the future.

Credence:Oh come on! She was still doing really cool shit. But I’ll remember that

Sophie: I’m just saying she would’ve like cleaved that orc in half then.

Credence: I knoooow just like come oooooon. Come on.

Mara: So how does inspiration work again?

Sophie: Inspiration is basically currency in the game that you can spend on any check you want for getting advantage on it. So let’s say you are in battle and you roll a critical miss you’d be like “well, I wanna spend my point of inspiration”. Or if you’re trying to climb up something to get away for something, or it’s an important persuasion check with a king, you can use that one inspiration point.

Mara: Okay! Cool!

Sophie: Just because that was such good podcasting.

Mara: [LAUGHS]

Sophie: [SIGHING] Oooookay.

Joe: Alright. So. Defiance will go up to Lazza then and say

Defiance: Looks like you got a bit injured there. Do you uh . . . Would you be opposed to me healing you?

Lazza: You promise . . . promise it’s just . . . it’s just a healing spell, right? You’re not gonna make me . . . die because you . . . made a bad joke at me, right? Like, I’m not interested in what they’re dishing out, but like . . .

Credence: She like thumbs over to Ellywick who’s probably still smiling

Mara: And Ellywick was totally getting ready to cast cure wounds on you too. They kinda hear that and they just put their hands in their pockets and wander off, like

Credence: And that makes Lazza even more suspicious

[LAUGHING]

Credence: Cuz like you just like almost cast something and then walked away when she pointed out that you were like, that you were what . . . that she was kinda scared of you. So she kinda gulps and she’s like

Lazza: Uhhh . .. Yeah Y-y-y-you promise . . . you promise?

Defiance: Aye. You have my word Lazza: Okay. One orc to the other!

Defiance: . . . Aye.

Joe: I put my hand on Lazza’s shoulder and uh . .. Lazza gets uhhhhh 1 d8 + 4 hit points back. So should I roll for that? Or should -

Sophie: You can roll for that, yeah.

Joe: Me? Okay

Sophie: Partly just cuz if - if Credence rolls for it, I know that he’ll get an 8.

[DICE ROLL]

Joe: Aw! Alright, so you only get 5 back.

Credence: Hey! That’s not nothing.

Mara: *laughs* I uh . .. Ellywick was gonna offer to cast cure wounds, but I uh . .. I don’t think that’s gonna happen now. [LAUGHS]

Lazza: I mean, don’t get me wrong, that was . . .that was kinda cool in a really perverse way, but. I don’t know. I’m . . . I'm just . . . I’m good. I’m good. Thanks . . .Thanks . . .thanks.

Sophie: So you all continue to move forward during the day.

Mara: Alright

Sophie: Again, I’m not gonna force you, but if there’s any conversations or anything you wanna have with each other or with the villagers that are still with you or anything, this would be a good time to do that, but. You know if it’s if it’s all just innocuous conversation and none of it is worth mentioning for the podcast then you know I’ll assume that probably it wasn’t just silent all day. But at the same time, y’all are just trying to run as fast as you can away from certain death, so -

Joe: Right

Mara: So the villagers saw that. It's not like . . .okay. Okay. So there's no point in Ellywick trying to like regale them with stories of the battle [CRACKING UP WHILE SPEAKING]

Sophie: I think they saw it but you regale them anyways

[ALL LAUGHING]

Mara: Yeah

Joe: Right

Mara: That sounds right

Credence: Definitely

Sophie: And they were all like “yeah. We were there” and you were like “Yeah, but you didn't like -

Ellywick: You weren’t there

[Crosstalk]

Credence: I think Lazza’s kinda . . . Well, I’m imagining that she’s carrying at least one person to make them, like, walk faster. She’s got either one or two kids or like one older person like on her back.

Sophie: I’m picturing you like Kronk style like in the Emperor's New Groove just with like a quickly constructed little thing for Yzma

Joe: Right?

Credence: Definitely, definitely. But she’s not paying like any attention to the person on her back andI think also maybe that person is just like holding on for dear life and also a little afraid to be holding onto an orc. I think that Lazza kinda like ends up running alongside Defiance and is like

Lazza: So uhhh thanks. Thanks for the heal back there. I’m not really one to usually, you know, mess around with that kind of magic stuff, but uhh definitely feeling better for it.

Defiance: Aye. I understand.

Lazza: How did uh . . . how did an orc end up becoming a cleric? I just .. . never met one before. Also where are you from? Because like, I’ve never met an orc with a tail before!

Defiance: Well [SIGHS] S’pose this would probably be a better time for erm - honesty in that case. I’m not an orc.

Lazza: What?!

Defiance: I’m a . . . I’m a tiefling actually.

Credence: There’s just like no . . . no recognition on Lazza’s face. She’s just like staring just like

Lazza: Did you sneeze? Heh- What’s a tiefling?

Joe: I think, Defiance kinda gives Lazza a bit of a pained smile and Defiance says

Defiance: Well, a tiefling is . . .[SIGHS] a- a- a sort of . . . a sort of creature that is the uh [SIGHS] the product of deals with demons. Well - devils to be more correct. I- I don’t know who. I don’t know when. But at some point in my ancestory, one of my ancestors uh [SIGHS] made some sort of a - a pact with one of the the archdukes of of of hell and erm - this is the result. [HALTINGLY] For - for - for the rest of - of - of their - their lineage. They will always be marked with the infernal. Sometimes it’s something like hooves, sometimes its horns, sometimes claws, tails . .. um but . .. aye. That - that is why I look the way that I do.

Lazza: [UNSURE] O-o-ooh o-oh. Um. Oh. O-o-okay.

Credence: I think Lazza’s like lost for words because on the one hand shes kind of terrified of that prospect . .. you know because . . . magic . . . deals with devils . . . Ehhhhhhh? . . . not great

Joe: Indeed [LAUGHING]

Credence: After- after a second, she’s like

Lazza: Well, uuuh y-you seem . .. you seem alright by me, Defiance. I mean, uhh. You’re the first person who ever cast a spell on me that didn’t hurt me. So, uh so you know ancestors may uh may create the path before us, but that doesn’t mean it can’t turn. You know?

Defiance: That’s very much appreciated. I shall er- I shall continue to strive to not violate that trust.

Lazza: I mean, yeah, I mean just uhhh d-d-d-don’t worry about it.

Credence: And she just kinda like runs ahead cuz she doesn’t know how to interact with this kind of intimacy right now.

[LAUGHING]

Joe: That’s fair

Sophie: I love it!

Joe: I feel like Defiance just kind of . . . shrugs it off as par for the course.

[INTERMISSION — INTERLUDING THEME MUSIC]

Sophie: Greetings, Earthlings. I am here with your intermission, I guess for lack of a better term. And I promise it’ll be quick! So first off, I wanted to remind everyone about our transcription program. You will get earliest access to episodes. Sometimes weeks in advance if you help us transcribe. We are trying to make this podcast deaf accessible and it’s been going well so far, but basically right now all the work is on one person, and that one person is an absolute saint who is listening to this right now and hopefully blushing. BUT the more the merrier with this sort of thing! So if your interested in helping us MAKING this podcast more accessible, get in contact with me via twitter or email, both of which are on your cover art and you can help us out!

The next thing I wanna talk to you about is NPC names. Don’t forget if you tweet about this show using the #DungeonsAndQueers - that’s dungeons, the word and, and then queers - you might get an NPC named after you on the show. And i am in desperate need of names for NPCS so um please help us out. That’s just a really cool thing that we wanna be able to do and it helps us raise awareness about the show because we don’t have money to advertise.

The last thing I wanna talk to you about is our patreon - speaking of money. We have several levels on our patreon right now. I should mention also the link for the patreon -or the web address is also on your cover art. But anyways, we have the $1 a month level which is access to some bonus content, some character bios that we’re constructions as well as some . . . you’ll have access to - We didn’t do it for this first arc, but we’ve got it up already for the 2nd arc . . . uh character sheets. Basically we take pictures of our character sheets and upload them that way you can kinda see where our stats are at and follow along if that’s your thing. We are also planning on doing player bios with some pictures of us and that way you can get to know us all a little bit better.

At $5 a month, you’ll get access to some bonus episodes that we are planning on recording. Basically it’s a podcast about our podcast! We are going to talk about our theories for where this is going - I mean not my theories . . . I know where it is going. But the players are gonna talk about their theories for where it's going. Maybe why their characters did certain things and we will be answering any questions that fans have that they tweet at us. So that’s just $5 a month and you still get the $1 a month awards. That’s not that much for good, relatable, queer content especially since we are considering starting to roll out episodes every week for a lil bit as a trial period.

Next is the $10 a month level. At that level you get all the previous rewards as well as early uploads of the episodes. I upload all the episodes at least a week early on to Pateron and you can be the first one to find out about it. So if you’re sitting there and your like I gotta know what happens next! I gotta know, I gotta know, I gotta know! You can know. That’s something that we are willing to let you do and get ahead of the game.

And the highest level we have currently is our inner sanctum members and that is $15 a month. And with that you get all the previous rewards and once or twice a month -er wow once or twice a month, that would be crazy- once or twice a year were gonna send you a secret custom - to a degree custom um bespoke - gift made just for you. The sort of thing that we’ll be supporting you know etsy shops for and and that sort of thing. Really cool bespoke rewards as our way of saying thank you. We are thinking of maybe having some mugs made up with the show logo on it . . . we’re thinking of getting some custom made polyhedral dice sets in different pride colours. We’re thinking of doing all kinds of stuff for it. I don't wanna say too many of our ideas because I want it to be a surprise, but something like that is something you can look forward to if your at the $15 a month level. And we are going take care of everything. We’re gonna take care of shipping . . . we’re gonna take care of you. You’re gonna get your thank you because you deserve it and you’re supporting us at this higher level which tells us that you really want us to keep making this content. Which is the biggest thank you that we can get, honestly.

So I hope you all are enjoying the episode. I will let you get back to it and don’t forget to tweet about the show and tell a friend! Thanks!

[END INTERMISSION — INTERLUDING THEME MUSIC]

Sophie: Okay! So! Night starts to begin to fall. It’s actually a beautiful mountain sunset as I said you’re kind of away from just the craigy rock outcroppings and in an alpine forest at this point. At this point the orc horns have fallen farther behind you, but actually from ahead, you see three quadruped shapes moving in fast from further down the mountain.You begin to hear vicious hissing and the clack of teeth as you begin to move closer. The villagers take refuge behind some boulders and our three heros rush forward to meet the assailants head on. The two forces meet and clash. We see that the attackers are in fact rats. But there’s something special about these rodents. They are -

Credence: Rodents of unusual size?

Sophie: - unusually sized.

All: [LAUGHING]

Mara: I don’t think they exist.

Sophie: Roll initiative!

Joe: They’re not in a cellar? [WHISPERED] Holy shit.

Mara: Okay

[DICE ROLLS]

Credence: Uhhh . . . 13 for Lazza

Sophie: Okay sooo Who got highest?

Mara: I got 21.

Credence: I got 13.

Sophie: Okay. And what did you get?

Joe: [DISAPPOINTED] I got 12.

Sophie: Okay. What did you get, Credence?

Credence: 13

Sophie: Okay. Annnnd Joe?

Joe: Uhh 12.

Credence: And how many of them are there?

Sophie: 3

Joe: Ah! One for each of us!

[LAUGHING]

Sophie: Okay! So! First in the order is Ellywick.

Mara: I think Ellywick’s gonna take a swing at whatever rat is closest to them.

Sophie: We’ll say Rat 1

Mara: Rat 1! Okay!

[DICE ROLLS]

Mara: Nat 20!

Sophie: Oh God! I just watched that happen. I swear to god it’s true.

Mara: Alright Sooo . . . [MUTTERING TO THEMSELF] 1d8 plus 2 . . . sooo . . . 6 plus . . . 4 is 10 plus 2 is 12.

Sophie: Yeah. You kill this rat and Ellywick just kinda runs forward screaming and just skewers it through the face . . .or slashes it right across the face and I think its head comes rolling off

Joe: Just like the top part though?

Sophie: Okay! Next in the order . . .Rat 2!

Credence: Oh wait - wait! First Lazza’s like NICE!

Sophie: Lazza’s like Alright! Like Finally!

Credence: Yeah She’s like chanting in orcish

Sophie: Okay, next in the order is Rat 2 who is going to make an attack on Ellywick with advantage because it has an ability called pack tactics. “The rat has advantage on an attack roll against a creature if at least one of the rat’s allies is within 5 feet of the creature and the ally isn’t incapacitated.”

[DICE ROLLS]

Sophie: So 12 vs. AC probably not gonna do it. AND a critical miss.

Mara: Neither of those do it.

Sophie: DM’s dice are being naughty tonight. Okay! So that’s not gonna do it. Lazza’s up next.

Credence: Alrighty! So we’ve got 2 left?

Sophie: Yep!

Credence: Okay. Lazza’s gonna do a two handed battle axe and I think she’ll do another Reckless Attack. Yeah she’s just gonna come in swinging two handed Reckless Attack on the rat that just attacked Ellywick.

Sophie: Okay

[DICE ROLLS]

Credence: [MUTTERING] Okay that one was not great . .. that one’s also not great. [NORMAL VOICE] 17?

Sophie: Yup

Credence: Yes! Alright, so that’s gonna be 1d10 + 4. [LAUGHING] TE-E-EN! Alright! So we’ve got 14!

Sophie: That kills it.

Mara: [LAUGHING] So far we’ve each killed a rat.

Credence: Alriiight

Sophie: Well, not Defiance.

Mara: Right. So far.

Joe: Pressure’s on! Ohh nooo.

Mara: Don’t miss

Credence: Can Lazza just like completely cleave it in two?

Sophie: I think definitely.

Mara: It’s cleft in twain

Credence: Cleft in twain!

Joe: Heck yes

Sophie: [SIGHING] Ooookayyy

Credence: And like she’s like covered in blood and right next to Ellywick, cuz that thing just attacked Ellywick and she’s like

Lazza: YEAAAAAAHHHHHH!

Mara: I think Ellywick kinda like just like . . . shuffles like . . . they’re not one for violence.

Sophie: Defiance you’re up next.

Joe: Awing the warhammer one handed . . Ah does 14 hit?

Sophie: Yup

Joe: Yayyyyyyy! [MUTTERING] So that’s 1d8 + 3 . . . [ANNOUNCING] FOUUUUR!

Sophie: That does not kill it . .. just bloodies

Joe: Bop it on the head

Credence: Wait, wait. So did you get a total of 4?

Mara: Yeah

Joe: Yeah. I - I rolled a 1

Credence: Lazza’s gonna be like

Lazza: You triiied!

Defiance: Heeeeyyyyy!

Sophie: Okay. It’s gonna make an attack on Defiance . . . Rat 3 is a 12? 12 hit?

Joe: 12? Yeah

Sophie:12 hits!? Really?

[CROSSTALK]

Joe: My AC’s 12

Sophie: You don’t have any armour. Yeah okay.

Credence: We need to get you some armour. Oh we should’ve - SHIT! Did we get anything off of those orcs before?

Joe: I’ve got my tattered clothes

Mara: Dammit!

Joe: No we didn’t think about it.

Sophie: You could’ve, but you didn’t.

Joe: Nope

Mara: [WHISPERED] God dammit! Oh well.

Joe: ???

Sophie: Which kind of makes sense in a way because y’all were tryna move really fast. Okay so it is going to do 1d4 + 2 piercing . . . 3 piercing damage.

Defiance: Oww!

Sophie: As it latches onto you. Next in the order is Ellywick!

Mara: Kay. Okay. So you said it’s bloodied.

Sophie: Yeah. Does vicious mockery work if it doesn’t speak your language?

Mara: That’s a good question actually.

Joe: Oh yeah, I’m not sure

Mara: “If the target can hear you, though it need not understand you”

Sophie: Greaaat

Joe: It just feels vaguely insulted like . . . I don’t know what you said but my feelings are still hurt!

Mara: I uh - in reference to the attack that it just unleashed at Defiance there, they are going to say

Ellywick: “You call that an attack!? I’ve seen dead kitten hit harder than that!”

[LAUGHTER AND SIGHING]

Sophie: Does 12 clear the check?

Mara: It does not!

Sophie: COME ON

Joe: Holy shit

Mara: It’s okay, it only did 1 damage.

Sophie: Okay. It is fazed but not much worse

Mara: Dang it

Joe: Its spirit drooped just a lil’ bit

Sophie: Technically, that was a bonus action so do you wanna take an action?

Mara: Oh! Yeah! Sure!

Sophie: Cuz technically cantrips are bonus actions

Mara: Yeah! So as one final action then, I think they’re gonna do a slash

[DICE ROLLS]

But that’s not gonna . .. 10’s not gonna do it, is it?

Sophie: No. So you were laughing at your own joke so hard that you missed

Mara: [IN UNISON] That I missed!

Joe: Self high five.

Sophie: Next in the order is Lazza.

Credence: Lazza’s like gettin’ a little disappointed in Ellywick.

Mara: Ellywick’s just kinda like, shaking their head no at you like “you know what I can do.”

Credence: Well Lazza’s gonna reckless attack again . . . still two handed battle axe . . . so . . .[DICE ROLLS]

[MURMURED] That’s pretty good . . . okay 16 . . .

22!!!!

Sophie: You know, actually that doesn’t hit. I can’t explain it.

[LAUGHTER]

Joe: That’s the ~maaagic~ number!

Sophie: Yeah, that hits.

Credence: Alright, so we’ll do . . .

Sophie: Magic shield comes up around it, the divine rat god comes down and just shakes his finger at you and says NO!

Credence: Not today!

Okay, so we got a 7 + 4 is 11

Sophie: Yup. You cut it in half.

Mara: Cleft in twain

Joe: Nice!

Credence: Daamn

[SINGING TRIUMPHANTLY]

Sophie: As Lazza dismembers the last giant rat, a villager runs up to you all and says “Woooow! Giant rats. I didn’t think they existed”

Joe: [QUIETLY] Christ

Sophie: As the sun sets on these alpine forests, you once again have a choice. You can make camp here and recover from your injuries or you can press on and have a greater chance of escaping the orcs who are still undoubtedly in pursuit.

Mara: How far are we from this village we’re trying to get to?

[PAUSE] Do I need to make a roll for that?

Sophie: Make a nature check, yeah.

[DICE ROLLS]

Mara: Oh hey, I’ll take that. It was an accidental roll, but whatever. 16 + 2 is 18

Joe: You said nature?

Credence: What about survival?

Sophie: I think nature just because it’s trying to know where you are in nature, y’know?

Credence: Okay.

Joe: I rolled a 22

Sophie: Yeah. You’re still about a day from Northpass Haven

Credence: So we’ve got like 30 villagers who went on ahead who have probably made it there or are close to making it there.

Sophie: Yeah. so basically, it’s the same choice as last night. If you push on, you’ll be safer, but some villagers might die. And if you choose to stay here then no villagers - well you’ll have to make a survival check and then MAYBE no villagers will die, but the orcs will probably find you - Or maybe at least.

Ellywick: I uh . . . Guys I think we’re so close. I dunno it doesn’t make sense to delay getting there. I think we should just push forward.

Credence: So how many people are looking really bad?

Sophie: It’s about the same as last time. Really the whole group is having trouble keeping up. Cuz they’ve just been marching a whole day. These are old people and young kids so they’re in pretty bad shape.

Credence: Mmkay

Mara: Would we be able to use a short rest at all?

Joe: I was gonna say

Sophie: That won’t help the villagers, but it could help you. Cuz a short rest is only an hour.

Mara:

Credence: So we have about a day’s travel left?

Sophie: Yep

Joe: Yeah

Mara: And if we camp but out we probably won’t lose anybody, but we’ll probably be in danger of a fight. Which, if these last fights have been any indication, isn’t that big of a problem,

Credence: [GRUMBLES]

Joe: Well but if there are enough orcs

Credence: You know she’s raising the challenge rating the next time we have an encounter . . . Not to get too meta here, but

Mara: I mean still,

Lazza: Okay look. I know there have just been some scouts, but when a big group of ‘em comes, it’s gonna be bad. And if any of ‘em get through and we have a hostage situation or they just start killing everybody . . . yeah I uhh I dunno. Defiance what do you think?

Defiance: As much as it pains me to say, I think you might be right. [SIGHS] I don’t want to lose anyone, but if a large war band catches up with us, we could end up losing everyone.

Ellywick: As much as I don’t like it, I think you’re right

Lazza: Look, I can carry - I can carry a couple kids or like you know, I don’t know about you Defiance?

Defiance: I could probably carry at least one child and one person on my back or something?

Lazza: You know, like, we could keep the pace up for the folks who are really struggling, you know? Like. At least . . . yeah. I think we should keep going

Ellywick: I uhhhh Yeah! Okay!

[AGREEMENT, OKAYS ALL AROUND]

Credence: Alright so I think more than one of us should be allowed to roll a survival check because there is more of us.

Sophie: With the mechanic I had in mind, you only have to roll a survival check if you stop and rest for the night.

Mara: So, we don’t have to worry about it basically.

Sophie: Yeah, Basically by making this decision, it’s now out of your hands.

Joe: I’m gonna talk to the people as well because I think that it’s at the very least the honourable thing to say that, you know . . . some people may die on the way and -

Credence: Yeah what do . . . I guess kind of also letting them kind of have input is probably good

Joe: Definitely

Sophie: Yeah, they’ll do what you say. Y’know. They understand the gravity of the situation.

Mara: Sooo Question.

Sophie: Mmhmm

Mara: How’re you like determining who lives, who dies. Are you like rolling for that or?

Credence: Who lives? Who dies? Who tells your story?

Mara: [IN UNISON] Who tells your story?

Sophie: Well I think Ellywick’s gonna be telling the stories.

Mara: Shit yeah dude!

Sophie: I’m gonna choose a dice that I already have in mind and I’m gonna roll it to see how many people die.

Mara: Oh. Okay. Nevermind then. Cuz I was gonna try to use my bardic inspiration to like -

Sophie: Yeah, like I said, if you go on, the fact that people die is a foregone conclusion. It precludes the question.

Joe: I’ll . . . well . . . for anybody who’s at all interested, I’ll offer to kind of pray to the Triad for courage and for comfort.

Sophie: Okay

Credence: Yeah and Lazza’s carrying some kids.

Sophie: Through your relentless urging, the peasants make it through the night with only [DICE ROLLS] 2 deaths due to exposure.

Credence: Ehhh Lazza can live with that

[LAUGHTER]

Credence: Sorry . . . emerges from where?

Sophie: From the forests around you

Credence: I . . .okay

Joe: [SOFTLY]: Whaaat?

Sophie: And fells 4 villagers before you can get to them. In addition, -

Credence: Wait! Hold on, hold on. Are we seeing the other villagers that we had separated with?

Sophie: No, no. these are just your villagers.

Credence: Okay. so this, this . . . what does this aura look like?

Sophie: An Orog. It’s O-R-O-G. It’s a type of orc.

Credence: Okay. Sorry it’s hard to hear, so an orog -

Sophie: It’s okay! And plus I don’t really know how to pronounce it.

Credence: Oo- oorog? Or something? So this fucker just . . . shows up?

Sophie: Yeah, it’s basically the rest of the raiding party has managed to catch up with you. It’s 3 orcs and an orog -

Joe: Dang

Sophie: - and they collectively kill 4 villagers before you can get to them. So basically,

Mara: So 4 people remain?

Sophie: Yup. And actually make a perception check, Ellywick?

Mara: [THREATENINGLY] If you killed my boy! [DICE ROLLS/ PAGES TURN] . . . 11

Sophie: Yeah, you actually, you see Kenwick go down as the Orog sinks its axe into his chest. And I mean he might survive, but he went down.

Mara: [SIGHS]

[OUTRO - THEME MUSIC]

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daqtranscripts · 7 years ago

Text

Ep. 3 Transcript

Ep. 3 Transcript: Alpine Escape — Chapter 3

Begin:

Sophie: Previously on “Dungeons & Queers”...

[RECAP WITH MUSIC IN THE BACKGROUND]

Kenway: Thanks for your stories. What’s your name?

Ellywick: My name is Ellywick Faelover Wandfidget the Ambiguous.

Kenway: My name is Kenway.

Lazza: Are you good at a fight?

Defiance: Is this to be some sort of a jailbreak, then?

Lazza: Hey, if we live through this… I’m Lazza.

Defiance: It is a pleasure to meet you, Lazza. I’m Defiance.

Sophie: Okay, you all quickly make your escape and head down the dark, wooded path, and before you catch up with the rest of the villagers, you see a familiar fresh face in Kenway as he smiles at you and says…

Kenway: I knew you all wouldn’t let us down!

[END RECAP]

Announcer: This show is part of the trans podcaster visibility initiative.

[THEME MUSIC]

Sophie: Hello everybody, and welcome to “Dungeons and Queers,” where the “Whose Line…?” references are made up and the rolls don’t matter! I’m not even trying anymore and it’s, like, the fourth episode.

Credence: [GROANS] Where the introductions should be re-recorded…

[LAUGHTER]

Credence: ...and… [BREAKS DOWN LAUGHING[]

Mara: ...Where Sophie should put some thought into a pun before it’s time to record the pun.

Sophie: Yeah. Well.

[COUGHS]

Mara: I hope this isn’t, like, indicative of the rest of this arc. [LAUGHING]

Sophie: Does anybody have a pencil? No, I have a pencil.

Credence: [IN A SOUTHERN ACCENT] I brought my supplies!~

Sophie: I was prepared!

Credence: [CONTINUING SOUTHERN ACCENT] I’m ready for school!~

Sophie: Okay, um, so! [SIGHS] Basically, I have a little bit of reading to do, which I thought was a good place to start this off, and then I’m going to introduce a new mechanic to you all! Which you are not going to appreciate!

Mara: [WEAK CRY]

Credence: [RETURNING TO NORMAL VOICE] I had a feeling… You didn’t have to… You didn’t have to do that.

[LAUGHING]

Mara: [SARCASTICALLY] For me? You shouldn’t have.

Sophie: Yeah, well.

[CROSSTALK OF CREDENCE AND MARA BEING SARCASTIC TO SOPHIE]

Sophie: I wish you would not have. Yes, yes. Anyways… Before we get started, I want to let the fans know that — I wanna remind everybody, I guess — that this is a d/Deaf-accessible podcast! We do have transcripts, and if you are looking to help make that happen, in return, I am willing to give you early access to these episodes! So if you’re craving, wondering what is gonna happen, get in contact with me via email or Twitter or something like that, and we will talk and, basically, there’s a Google Drive folder with some files in it that I can share with you, and basically you can listen to the episode early with the understanding that you are going to contribute to the transcription. Which basically just means you type what you hear! And the format of it is pretty clear if you’re on there, so if you’re interested in helping out with that… I know that our d/Deaf fans would really appreciate that, and, you know, there’s even some non-d/Deaf folks that would probably appreciate it too. I mean, whenever I watch a movie, I always have the subtitles on, you know.

Credence: Yeah!

Sophie: And there’ll be times when I’m listening to podcasts where they’re audio dramas and there was so much sound going on, and they had, like, people talking through a crackly speaker, and I was sitting there like, “I need to look up the fuckin’ transcript because I can’t tell what this garbled audio is supposed to sound like, is supposed to be saying, and it was plot-relevant.”

Credence: Yeah! I mean, I… I have sensory processing disorder, and that can… Podcasts are actually one of the few things that helps with that for me, because it’s mostly visual stimulus that makes it very difficult for me, but I know for other folks, like, being able to just focus on something without any kind of visual component is incredibly difficult. So there are so many reasons why it’s nice to have these, and I’m really glad that we are committed to making this accessible, and folks who are willing to help are fuckin’ radical! And...also you get to listen to the episode early, but if you leak ANYTHING… [LAZZA VOICE] Lazza will find you.

[LAUGHTER]

Mara: And honestly, sometimes we’re just garbage podcasters and the crosstalk is unbearable, so, you know.

[VARIOUS AGREEMENTS]

Credence: Oh, GOD, yeah. We’re doing pretty good…

Sophie: Yeah, we’re doing okay! It’s a little hard, because three of us are talking into one mic, so there’s not much I can do when some of us start crosstalking. I can…

Mara: Build a crosstalk spray bottle. “NO! BAD!”

Sophie: Yeah, if the problem is Credence, then I can just silence Credence’s audio. I think that only happened just once, where, like, Joe was making a really funny joke and Credence was laughing too loud, and it was like, “I’m just gonna ~tweak~ this out.” But typically, the problem isn’t just Credence. But we’re actually looking into…

Credence: Thank you! I appreciate it!

Mara: We’ll just get a little spray bottle and you can spritz Joe or I if we’re being naughty.

Sophie: But anyways, we’re actually looking at getting involved with a local artist co-op that has a podcasting studio in it, so if our sound quality suddenly improves at some point, you’ll know that we’re involved with them, ‘cause they have really, really incredible setups there. But anyways!

Joe: It’s a marvel what people can do when they actually pool resources and get together and help one another.

Mara: WHOOOOOAAAA…

Sophie: Yeah, well, I mean, I’m an anarcho-communist, so…

Joe: Same.

Sophie: I’m all about this artist co-op, like…

Mara: [SARCASTICALLY] Nah, co-ops aren’t good.

Credence: It’s fuckin’ radical. I’m super jelly of the setup that you guys are gonna be able to check out.

Sophie: Yeah, the only downside is that it’s mostly volunteer work, which means the wheels turn slowly, so they built this wonderful space because people are very motivated when it comes to building things and buying things with grants, but they haven’t put an online signup sheet to use it yet, to like, use the space, so like… I can’t use it yet even though it’s there and it’s just sitting, empty, and I keep emailing the guy but he hasn’t emailed me back, so we’re just waiting for the wheels of unmotivated artists to turn there.

Credence: Before we get started, should we talk about ways to get in contact with us?

Sophie: It’s all on the cover art of the podcast.

Credence: Like, I don’t know, do you folks wanna share your personal Twitters?

Sophie: Oh yeah! We should go around and say our name and pronouns and reintroduce our characters and stuff like that and, you know, who we’re playing, our characters’ pronouns, and then if you wanna be like, “And my personal Twitter is @this,” or whatever, we can do that. So, my name is Sophie Lastnameredacted, I am the DM, so I’m playing a whole bunch of characters, although only one that’s been introduced right now, his name is Kenway. And basically, you might know me from the “PolyAM Radio” podcast, where we talk about polyamory and unconventional, young, queer, trans relationship styles and stuff like that — it’s a blast, you should come check it out if you haven’t — and my pronouns are she/her/hers!

Mara: Uh…! I’m Mara Sunshine, I use they/them pronouns, I am @marasunshine2 on Twitter, and I am playing — and I have to break out this full name, it’s never gonna get used, ‘cause it’s unwieldy, but I’m a gnome — Ellywick Faelover Wandfidget the Ambiguous. More names to come, I’m sure. They are a bardic gnome or a gnomic...bard…? I don’t know. And they also use they/them pronouns.

Sophie: Joe.

Joe: I am Joe Alias, my pronouns are they/them/she/hers. And I play Defiance, who...same pronouns, they/them/she/hers. Defiance is a tiefling war cleric. I don’t have a Twitter as of yet, but if I eventually set one up, I will let y’all know.

Sophie: I will say that the Twitter app is actually excellent at managing multiple accounts. Like, it’s not like Tumblr, where it’s like, you have to completely sign out, and…

Joe: Boo!

Credence: Tumblr’s the worst, that blue hellscape.

Joe: Ain’t that the truth.

Sophie: Credence?

Credence: Yoooo! Okay! My name is Credence It-Has-Nothing-to-Do-With-Clearwater-Revival. My pronouns are he/him and I play the character of Lazza the half-orc barbarian. Lazza’s pronouns are she/hers and if you wanted to reach out to me on Twitter, my handle is @aliensatemybaby.

Joe: Nice!

Sophie: Of course it is.

Credence: Yup. [LAUGHS] Gotta stay on-brand.

Sophie: Yeah, yeah! Okay…

Mara: Real quick — is that supposed to be like “dingoes ate my baby?”

Credence: Oh, you bet.

Mara: BLESS.

Sophie: Okay! Um… So… Now that we’re ten minutes into this recording…

Credence: Ah!

Sophie: Let’s actually play some fucking D&D!

[ALL SAY “HELL YEAH” IN VARYING FUNNY VOICES]

Sophie: Okay, so, where we left off, the villagers had gone — had been rescued and had gone down that path and you were going down the same path to follow them. Kenway had waited back behind for you—

Mara: What a good boy.

Sophie: Yeah, what a good boy. He is the Resident Good Boy™, like three baby golden retrievers stacked on top of each other in a trench coat.

Joe: What!

Mara: Bless!

Credence: Lazza does not trust him.

[LAUGHTER]

Credence: Just so everyone knows.

Sophie: To be clear, is that because Lazza has a thing about dogs, or just because…?

Credence: He is a CHILD! You did talk about how he is a HUMANOID CHILD, so I don’t know why this has anything to do with DOGS—

Sophie: Just ‘cause I described him as a puppy-dog of a person.

Credence: No, just kids.

Sophie: Oh, okay.

Mara: See, and Ellywick is just, like, “YES.”

Sophie: “Yes. Good.”

Mara: “YES. GOOD. My people, but not.”

Credence: “I can look you in the eye.”

Mara: Yeah, right?

Sophie: Yeah!

Mara: “You have a lot more whimsy than the average human. Cool. We’re good here.”

Sophie: But anyways, the four of you kinda run ahead, and Kenway leads you to where this group of people is sitting, huddled and cold, in the forest, and you all make way for — basically, there’s a local village that some of them have heard of called Northpass Haven, and it’s famed as kind of a frontier-style town, but very...it has a long history of being attacked by orcs and stuff like that and surviving. So it’s the kind of place that if you were to bring an orc horde to their doorstep, they wouldn’t necessarily bawk, just in case you all are pursued. So these villagers follow their shepherds, you three, on this cold night, as beings do when they correctly identify their only hope for survival. With little protective outerwear, these prisoners move slowly and begin to falter in the face of the relentless mountains.

You now face a terrible choice — allow the group to stop and find shelter for the night and risk losing the head start you achieved by killing the orc guards and making the orcs think they were under seige and close up and bar their doors, or you can continue on and risk the deaths of some of the older and younger villagers due to exposure and cold. Make your choice and inform their fate — drive them on or find shelter?

So basically, this is a new mechanic that I told you about that you all will not appreciate. These villagers are relying on you, but at the same time, you are all trying to make your escape as well, and you have to decide, basically — if you stop for the night, you will take a long rest, you will gain all your health and your spell slots (not that you all have taken much damage) but I can also...if any villagers die will be based on the survival checks that you all make, and there will be a much better chance that no one will die, versus if you continue on, you will lose some of the villagers, but you will maintain the head start that you’ve gotten, which means that you’ll probably...orcs probably won’t find you.

[GROANING AND MUTTERING]

Credence: I’m really glad that I got a proficiency in survival now.

Mara: See I know how Mara the person wants to play this, but I think Ellywick could go, really, either way with this, which kinda sucks. Perks of being chaotic neutral, I guess. So I think… I guess, question one, how are the villagers looking?

Sophie: As I said, they’re not really dressed for this. This wasn’t really an expedition that they were prepared to make, and a lot of them had had their outerwear stripped of them. So they’re looking kind of bad off. Most of them look like they could keep going, although they’d be very miserable, there are some older and some younger folks who don’t look like they’re doing so well, but basically, they’re all looking to you for instruction.

Credence: Okay, should we be… I almost think that, like… Mara, what you said, like, you wanna do versus what Ellywick would do is kind of...there’s some discrepancy there, so I almost feel like it would be better to talk about this in-character…?

Sophie: Yeah, absolutely, I think this is a conversation that needs to happen between characters.

Mara: Ye.

Sophie: Especially because, like I said, your alignment should inform your decisions, but it shouldn’t ever — in my mind — totally restrict your decisions. Because I mentioned in the intro episode, I think, there was literally a Star Wars expanded universe novel where Darth Vader stopped Emperor Palpatine from killing a Twi’lek orphan, and he’s a classic lawful evil character, so like, going against authority and stopping the slaughter of an innocent isn’t really Vader’s MO. And he went on to do more really gruesome things after that, but his gut reaction was still “no.” And there are reasons for that — there are character reasons, because Vader is a very conflicted character. I’m not even gonna say he’s an overly-compelling character, but he is a conflicted character.

[SOFT CHORUS OF AGREEMENTS]

Sophie: So, you know, this decision could be informed… To use Lazza as an example, Lazza’s not a “good” character, Lazza’s a neutral character. Lawful neutral. But if part of Lazza’s code of honor is you’d never leave anyone behind or something like that, then that could inform this. So I want you all to think creatively outside of your alignments, like, “Oh, I don’t know, I’m neutral, ‘cause an evil character would just leave them behind and a good character would maybe stay with them.” You know, a good character in this case might also leave them behind just because, it’s like, “Well, we have to protect as many people as possible, and we have the orcs behind us, and if we stay, we might not survive.” ‘Cause I will say, in the morning, they are gonna notice you’re gone and they’re gonna send people after you. That’s not me as a DM giving you hints or anything, that’s a conclusion your characters have probably made. So I think this is absolutely an in-character discussion, and I am super excited to step back and listen to it!

[CHUCKLING]

Sophie: Sorry about the sniffling, by the way, everyone. We all have colds.

[LAUGHTER AND CONFIRMATIONS]

Ellywick: So… What do we do, guys?

Lazza: Ah… Shit. Well, Ellywick, how many of ‘em are getting too slow to keep up a decent pace?

Ellywick: I… I don’t know…

Lazza: You’re a cleric, right?

Defiance: Um, that would be me, actually.

Lazza: Sorry. Sorry! I just met you guys.

Mara: All magic users look the same to you! [LAUGHING]

Lazza: [EMBARRASSED SPLUTTERING]

Credence: [VERY QUICKLY] #NotAllMagicUsers!

Lazza: Okay, Defiance. How many of these folks can’t keep up a good pace?

Credence: [STAGE WHISPER] Can we do, like, a medicine check or something, DM?

Mara: God, are you there?!

Joe: Yeah, why not? Do you think medicine or perception?

Sophie: I think perception, ‘cause medicine is your ability to heal them.

Joe: True. [ROLLS DICE VIOLENTLY]

[SOMEONE BLOWS A RASPBERRY]

Mara: Ooh!

Credence: Did you throw a rock?!

Sophie and Mara: You might as well have!

Sophie: It’s a critical miss.

Joe: Wow.

Credence: It’s because you threw a rock.

Ellywick: Um…

Lazza: Okay, so, fuck! At least they’ve got heads!

Defiance: Yeah, I don’t know! They’ve got heads!

Sophie: They seem cold to you, that’s what you got.

Mara: [ROLLS DICE VIOLENTLY]

[PAINED LAUGHTER]

Credence: Did you also roll a critical miss just now?

Mara: I did!

Joe: Holy cow!

Credence: You cannot rely on Lazza here!

Sophie: It’s kind of dark and hard for you to tell.

Mara: Naughty corner!

Credence: Dice shame! Okay, Lazza’s gonna roll perception here. [ROLLS DICE GENTLY] Okay, sloppy dice.

[INDECIPHERABLE MUMBLED CROSSTALK]

Joe: You already said we’d kinda notice the fact that people are stumbling.

Sophie: Yeah, but you wanted to know how many are gonna fall behind and stuff like that.

Joe: Oh!

Credence: [ROLLS DICE GENTLY]

Sophie: What’d you get?

Credence: Agh! I’m sorry, I keep getting sloppy dice! [ROLLS DICE GENTLY] Well, I got an 8, which is better than fuckin’ everybody else!

Sophie: It seems to you like there are about maybe a fourth of the people who are so young or so old that they’re having trouble keeping up. That is not to say that you will lose a fourth of them tonight, or something like that, that is just saying that, you know… It is a considerable number of people that are going to be hurting bad if you do it, if you continue on. And I’ll tell you, I’m factoring in — I’ve got, basically, in my head, kind of, with this — factored in the fact that you have a cleric and stuff like that and the cleric, aside from burning actual spell slots, is going to be trying to use cantrips to heal and stuff like that to keep people going. If you want to use spell slots on them, that’s a choice that you have to verbalize to me, and that might change something or whatever, but you will also lose those spell slots. So… I’ve got some of those things that y’all are talking about factored in already.

Lazza: Okay. So it looks like a fourth of them are really struggling.

Ellywick: You know, I don’t think it makes much sense to free all of them from those cages just to let them die out here.

Lazza: Oh, I don’t—! Look… It’s… The path to Northpass Haven is treacherous on its own. We don’t have any supplies. We don’t… We’re gonna lose people. So if we make sure we, I don’t know, get as many people…

Credence: So Lazza’s kind of like, conflicted right now. But she keeps playing with this pouch around her neck where she keeps these stones…

Sophie: Yeah, sure, sure.

Credence: And she’s just kind of… She pauses for a second, and then…

Lazza: What about this — we send the people who are doing the best up ahead. Y’know, the path is hard, but it’s easily marked. They’ll be able to make it. They won’t have to worry too much about tracking it. But what if we send the folks who are doing the best up ahead and we stay back with the folks who are struggling and try to get them on their feet a little bit better, and then, if we get some ~visitors,~ maybe we can get some supplies out of them.

Defiance: [SURPRISED] I don’t think that’s a bad idea, actually! Especially if there’s some way…

Joe: I guess I’m a little bit curious. Since we did free that group of elves, too, do any of them have any knowledge or ability to either track or help us to better hide?

Credence: Or heal?

Sophie: So basically, what I had envisioned for this is that, kind of all of these — even the elves — are civilian elves, basically.

[CROSSTALK]

Joe: Not particularly woodsy?

Sophie: Yeah, yeah. They’re not like… One of them is a barrel maker, and one of them is a potter, and one of them is a carpenter, one is a candlestick maker, yeah, sure. You know, innocuous, everyday jobs that, even in the forest, groups need.

Credence: Okay, well, that aside…

Lazza: So what do you guys think? Ellywick, what do you think? We stay back with the folks, we try to work on getting them on their feet a little bit better, heck, we could even try to backtrack and ambush some of the orcs as they’re coming and trying to look for us. We could get some supplies out of ‘em. I mean...I dunno.

Ellywick: I, ah…

Defiance: Do you know if it’s typical for them to all come at once or to send, first, a scout or two?

Lazza: Well, I mean, each...everybody had their own smaller raiding party. So, you know, there’d be...four to six people.

Credence: Sophie, I’m trying to base this off of what I thought I remember you telling me last time?

Sophie: Yep! Yep!

Credence: But, um, okay…

Lazza: So it’s — and especially with terrain like this, it’s easier to travel quickly in small numbers… As we know here, this isn’t going exactly great. They’ll probably be sending out parties of… I wouldn’t say more than six or seven. Which, if we can get the drop on them, we might be able to get some stuff so we can at least clothe the folks who are struggling the most and give a head start to the folks up the path.

Ellywick: But what happens if the orcs go after some of these people?

Lazza: I mean…

Ellywick: Then they’re even worse off.

Lazza: Well, no shit, Sherlock! But like...being dead sucks!

[SOFT SNICKERING]

Defiance: The general idea, if I understand you correctly, Lazza — either way, if the orcs went toward the healthier people, they’ll find us first, and they’d have to get past us.

Lazza: Exactly. [STAMMERING] We give, we give ‘em a jump start and we can focus on hiding these folks who are struggling, try and get ‘em a bit better, and-and hopefully, by-by-by ambushing these guys, we can, you know, we can get some clothes, at least, for ‘em.

Ellywick: Alright. We can try it.

Defiance: If we can at least give the weaker amongst them a bit more rest, perhaps I can try to heal some of them, or at least give them some sort of medical attention… Mayhaps they’ll become just strong enough to eventually catch up with everyone else.

Ellywick: I can help a little with the healing too.

Defiance: [PLEASANTLY] Oh! That’d be much appreciated.

Lazza: [ENTHUSIASTICALLY] And I can carry at least, like, two kids! So, like…!

[LAUGHTER]

Ellywick: You do that!

[INTERMISSION — INTERLUDING THEME MUSIC]

Sophie: Hello everyone! Welcome to the middle of the show! My name is Sophie Lastnameredacted and I am here with...the ads! Sorry.

So we don’t have anyone who’s taken out an ad on the show yet, which is totally fine, but I just wanted to remind everyone that we are offering ad slots starting at just $5/episode. These are some great opportunities to get your book or online shop or podcast or whatever you want immortalized.

I also want to talk to you all about our Patreon. The link is on your cover art, and we have reward levels starting at just $1/month, and it would really help us out if you could donate, because, actually, we are considering going weekly with our episodes! And it would really help to have a little bit of financial assistance in doing that. That’s a really big undertaking, and it’s gonna take a lot of work from the people doing the transcripts and the person editing the audio — me — and that would be a huge help if you would consider supporting us! I’ve mentioned in previous episodes what the rewards are, and I’m sure I’ll talk about it again eventually, but right now, I just want to keep it brief as I can for this episode, ‘cause there’s some cool stuff coming up that I really want y’all to get to!

I wanted to take a moment to thank Acqua Toffana, our current only Patron, thank you so much! I also wanted to remind everyone that if you Tweet about the show using the hashtag #DungeonsAndQueers, you might get an NPC named after you. We’ve got some NPCs, not so much in this episode, but coming up in the upcoming episodes, that are named after some people who Tweeted about the show that are probably gonna become pretty big parts of the campaign! As long as the characters don’t go murder-hobo on them. We really appreciate your support, we would appreciate it if you could tell at least one friend about us this week, because we did not have the money to advertise, so if this is gonna take of, it’s gonna be by word of mouth.

I also wanted to mention real quick — I mentioned transcripts earlier, and if you’re interested in helping us continue to make this podcast d/Deaf-accessible, then join us and become part of our transcription program! You’ll get access to early episodes and a bunch of other cool stuff — well, I shouldn’t say “a bunch of other cool stuff” — you’ll get access to early episodes, and you’ll get my eternal gratitude and you’ll be part of our little group that’s working on it. It’ll be really cool and fun, and you’ll be part of, you know, making media for people who communicate a little bit differently, which is always an excellent thing.

I also want to give a shout-out to kenwaylights, who is transcribing this audio right now. I am eternally grateful for you, you are absolutely the best, and I just want everyone to know how amazing you are.

I think that’s everything that I wanted to get through! Next episode might be up next week, depending on how quick we can get through ‘em. We’re gonna do a little bit of experimenting and try going weekly with our episodes for a little bit and see if that works, see if it’s doable for us. If we do decide to do that, there may come weeks where we occasionally skip uploading an episode, and I’ll try to let y’all know on Twitter when that happens. It’ll generally be around things like exams and stuff like that. But right now, we have a pretty big back-catalogue. As I’m editing this audio and everything, we’re actually already into the second arc of the show, which is really exciting! But I want to get these episodes out there so people can listen to them, and hopefully support our show!

So, yeah! Just thanks a million, and I hope you’re enjoying this content… Ooh! And one more thing that I wanted to mention — so, generally speaking, in Dungeons & Dragons, when adventurers go adventuring, they’re not necessarily fleeing captors, they are going into dungeons and finding loot and things like that. And, you know, certainly we’ve had an unconventional start to this podcast, and I’m not gonna necessarily say that the rest of the podcast is gonna be totally conventional, but I will say that there are gonna be times where I want loot for them to be able to find! And I think that having them find 100 gold pieces or whatever is useful in utility, but I don’t think it’s as interesting from a storytelling standpoint. So that’ll certainly happen, but I also wanna lay down really cool magic items and artifacts for them to come across at various points in time.

So if you’ve got a favorite magical item in D&D, whether or not it’s a homebrewed item, send it to us by email or on Twitter or whatever! Just email or Tweet at us! And it might very well end up in the show! I’ve got an interesting mechanic that I think is gonna be, maybe, introduced at the end of the second arc, maybe? In between the second and third arc as far as a way for the players to pick some of their own magic items and stuff that they wanna buy, because I don’t wanna make it too accessible within the story where it doesn’t make sense, but I think that part of the fun of D&D is having really cool, useful, and sometimes a little bit broken, items that enrich the story. So if you could help us out with that, please please please, it would mean so much. We’ve already gotten a few suggestions on Twitter, but if you’ve got more, please send them to us.

So thanks a lot for listening, next episode will hopefully be up next week and...don’t date your best friend’s dad and don’t date your dad’s best friend? No, that’s the wrong podcast! I will talk to y’all later! Bye!

[END INTERMISSION — INTERLUDING THEME MUSIC]

Sophie: Okay, so explain to me, in a sentence, what you all are doing.

Mara: We are sending the stronger people ahead and we are staying back for a long rest with the people who are not doing quite as well.

Sophie: Oookay! Take a long rest. Cool.

Mara: Can you give me back my pencil that you absconded with?

Sophie: This was from my backpack…

Mara: Oh! Someone absconded with my pencil! Hmm. Oh! Never mind.

Credence: I feel like Lazza is looking kind of pleased with herself at this point. ‘Cause, like, last time her plan wasn’t great, and it seems like this plan was a little bit better?

Sophie: Yeah, she completely sidestepped my moral quandary, so.

[LAUGHTER]

Credence: That’s what you do when you’re Lawful Neutral!

Sophie: Yeah, well.

Credence: Um, uh… I was gonna ask something, and now it’s just gone. Never mind. Oh, actually, yeah! How are the villagers reacting to Lazza at this point?

Sophie: I think they’re… I think that a good deal of them are trying to keep a healthy distance, but a lot of them are probably looking at you with more confusion than with outright fear. I… You know, more confusion than outright fear, and they’re not like...it’s kinda like Defiance’s situation, where they’re not thrilled about you, but in this instance, they’re glad you’re here. Do you know what I’m saying? Does that make sense?

Credence: Mhmm.

Sophie: Like, you’ve kind of proven yourself to them.

Credence: So, do we need to roll, like, survival stuff to see if we can keep— Well, okay, first of all… Mara, Joe, do you think it’s better for us to have them...like, should we find a place just off the path a little bit where we can hide them?

Joe: Yeah, I think so.

Credence: And then we can rest and kind of patrol the path.

Mara: Yeah, I think that’s a good idea.

Credence: Okay, I’m gonna roll — hold on. Would investigation or survival…?

Sophie: I think, um… Survival, we’ll say.

Credence: To, like, find a good spot and see how many survived, or do we do separate rolls?

Sophie: Um...no, I think just one is fine.

Credence: Okay.

Sophie: ‘Cause your survival is going to be, in this case, dependent on your ability to find a place.

Credence: Right. [ROLLS DICE] Uh… Well, that’s gonna be a 16. It’s not terrible.

Sophie: Okay! Yeah, you are able to find a...it’s not super well-hidden or anything, so it’s not really a place you can stay, but you’re able to find a cave, and hole up in there for the night. And I think with a 16, you said?

Credence: Yes.

Sophie: I think with a 16, I’m gonna say none of the villagers die that night, but they’re not magically energized in the morning or whatever. Like, this did them well, and you didn’t lose anyone, but a good night’s rest wasn’t exactly had by all, and even if it had it wouldn’t have been...these people probably need days to recover.

Joe: Does it aid at all if I use a medicine check?

Sophie: I was kind of factoring in that you would make a medicine check, but if you want to make a medicine check, that’s fine.

Credence: Well, and like, I mean, they’ve got better rolling for that than just me doing one survival check.

Joe: [ROLLS DICE] I got a 24.

Credence: HOLY SHIT.

Joe: [FUNNY VOICE] I rolled good!

Sophie: I think with a 24, you… Again, with a roll that good, they’re better off in the morning than they were, but again, this is putting a Band-Aid on a pretty big cut in this metaphor.

Joe: Before the long rest, would it be possible that maybe I can make an assessment and see who’s the worst off and use cure wounds?

Sophie: Again, I think with these people, part of the problem is they’re young and old, and that’s not really a condition that you can alleviate.

Joe: Gotcha. Okay.

Credence: It’s exposure, like, there’s no wounds. It’s just…

Sophie: Yeah, exactly. Mmkay, actually, so… You’ve got about 30 of the villagers go on, and about 10 of them stay with you, including Kenway. And… [HUMS TO SELF IN THOUGHT] Yeah! So now you all are taking a long rest; you regain any spell slots you spent, everybody’s up to full health, and we are gonna take some time to have some conversations. Is there any conversation that y’all wanna have with each other, or…? If you say no, that’s fine, I’m not expecting you to say certain things or whatever, it’s just that this is an opportunity to get to know each other if that’s what you think your characters would attempt to do.

Mara: I think Ellywick probably wants to try and figure out Lazza, at least a little bit, ‘cause like...it doesn’t really make sense, you know?

Ellywick: So, not to be rude here, but um...you seemed like you were pretty good buddies with those orcs back at the keep, there… Why are you running away?

Credence: So I’m picturing them, they’re kinda sitting around the fire, and Lazza was maybe kinda sitting off by herself before Ellywick came to join her.

Mara: Probably, yeah.

Credence: And she’s got the stones that were in her little pouch, she’s got them out in her hand now and is rubbing them together.

Lazza: Look, the point is, I got you out of that mess. What more is there to it?

Ellywick: Well, I’m a sucker for a good story, and that seems like a pretty interesting story. If you don’t wanna talk about it, that’s fine, but...I dunno, we’re sitting here, so you might as well tell me.

Mara: Should I roll, like, a persuasion or something?

Sophie: Ah, if Credence thinks you need to.

Credence: Uh… You know what? Yeah, I think you do.

[LAUGHTER]

Mara: Oh no, you’re gonna let the bard roll persuasion.

Credence: Well, what am I— Would this be a contest, DM, against my…?

Sophie: Yeah… We’ll say it’s a persuasion versus a wisdom check. Not a saving throw, just a check.

Credence: Okay.

Mara: [ROLLS DICE, PAUSES, BURSTS INTO RAUCOUS LAUGHTER]

Joe: Ooohh…

Credence: Oh no. What?

Mara: Nat 20, so…

Credence: Yeah, that’s not going anywhere!

Mara: 25 when you add in my modifier, so…

Credence: Yeah, no, no. I get it.

Lazza: Well, I was born in a cabin, and…

[EVERYONE BURSTS INTO LAUGHTER]

Credence: No, no.

Joe: Entirety of my life story.

Mara: Right?

Lazza: Well, I’m glad you asked. So…

Mara: Breaks out into a big musical number. Ellywick’s, like, entranced.

Credence: [SINGING A TUNE] No. I think Lazza just is staring into her hand for a second.

Lazza: Look, I know it’s easy to think that all orcs just act like that, but I just… I couldn’t do it anymore.

Ellywick: Well, why’d you do it in the first place?

Lazza: I didn’t have anywhere else to go.

Ellywick: I can understand that. Well, uh… I’m glad you made the right choice, Lazza.

Lazza: Yeah. Well, we’ll see. We might get killed in a lot worse ways. I think… I think I’m glad I made the choice, too.

Mara: I think Ellywick kinda takes out their sword and leans on it, and is like, “Well, I’ve got this bad boy over here, so, ah…” [CLICKS TONGUE RHYTHMICALLY]

Lazza: Yeah, you also have the ability to make somebody fall over in hysterical laughter, which, by the way, that was fucking terrifying! And I think I should let you know, I don’t really trust you! So…!

Ellywick: [NONCHALANTLY] Eh, don’t worry about it! I won’t use it on you unless you piss me off!

Mara: And they kinda grin up at you.

Sophie: I don’t think Lazza’s comforted by that…

[LAUGHTER]

Mara: Probably not!

Credence: Lazza just kind of closes her fist around those stones and puts it back into the little po— the little satchel, and, like, very, very intentionally walks across to the other side of the fire…

Mara: I think…

Credence: ...and lies down very far away.

Mara: I think Ellywick knows about the “gnomes will steal your teeth in your sleep” or the “gnomes will steal your teeth” superstition, and they kinda call after Lazza—

Ellywick: Be sure to watch your teeth tonight!

Mara: And they don’t mean it at all, they’re just fuckin’ with Lazza at this point. Just a little mischievous shit.

Sophie: Just an awful person.

Joe: Christ…

Credence: Lazza, like, doesn’t say anything, but she...purposefully pulls her axe closer to her, like she’s holding it like a stuffed animal…

[ERUPTION OF LAUGHTER]

Mara: Great. Yes. Good.

Joe: I sorta think that, like, if this were a video game, a little thing would pop up in one of the upper corners saying, like, “Lazza will remember that.”

[LAUGHTER]

Credence: Lazza will not forget that. Um, thank you, that was a wonderful interaction.

Mara: Oh, yeah, yeah. [GIGGLING]

Credence: I don’t know, is there anything… I think… It’s not because I don’t want our characters to get to know each other, it’s just like, Lazza’s not...particularly, after having just done this escape thing, and like, now being responsible for her ex-captives’ safety, I think she’s just kind of… She’s not in a sharing mood.

Joe: Right. I think for their part, Defiance is...pretty busy with trying to tend to all of the people. It’s not so much that they’re ignoring anybody, they’re kind of making themselves busy.

Mara: I, um… I think Ellywick can kinda tell that — and after that conversation with Lazza — I think they can kinda tell that, like, Defiance is obviously busy and doesn’t wanna talk, and Lazza really doesn’t wanna talk, and Ellywick’s okay with that. But I think they kinda just take out their pan flute that they were able to conceal on them, and they sigh sadly, and they go…

Ellywick: Well, it’s not Tania’s lute, but I’ll go back for that someday.

Mara: And they kinda glance off into the distance and they have this little murderous glint in their eye because it’s their goddamn favorite lute. But they take out their pan flute and just start playing some songs.

Sophie: Yeah! Um, before you start playing, you hear a voice from behind you meekly say…

Kenway: What’s a lute?

Ellywick: You don’t know what a lute is?

Kenway: No. I’ve never seen one before.

Ellywick: It’s a, uh…

Credence: Who’s talking?! I’m sorry.

Sophie: Kenway.

Credence: Okay.

Mara: I think Ellywick… I have to stop saying “I think” before every goddamn sentence! Ellywick takes out a stick and kinda draws in the dirt the outline of a lute and then the strings and everything and goes…

Ellywick: It’s a musical instrument, and this one was pretty special. It was given to me by a fae queen who I spent some time with.

Sophie: Yeah, I think Kenway kinda sits down next to you, and says…

Kenway: Well, I know what it’s like to have things you don’t want to lose.

Ellywick: Oh yeah? Why’s that?

Kenway: Well, I… I’m not an adventurer, and I’m just a kid, but you’re a bard, and your lute helps you do magic and stuff like that and it protects you, and you protect it. And I’ve got something similar.

Ellywick: What is it?

Sophie: He kinda looks around and then, kinda satisfied that no one else is really paying attention or around, he pulls out this large gold coin that doesn’t really have the mark of any currency you’ve ever seen on it; it’s not just a gold piece, it’s...akin to how you might look at a silver dollar now, where...you could probably get something for that, but nobody really uses it as money.

Mara: Mm.

Sophie: You know what I mean? And he says…

Kenway: Well, this was my dad’s, and he gave it to me before he died. He told me that as long as I have it, it would keep me safe. And things haven’t been perfect, but...when I look at what’s happened here, I have to believe that this thing is keeping me safe and got me rescued and got y’all not to leave me behind.

Mara: Ellywick kinda smiles and puts their arm around Kenway’s shoulders and is like…

Ellywick: Well, I’m glad you have that coin there.

Sophie: So I think Lazza actually sleeps uneasy, just because she was hoping to have some sort of contact with her ancestors by having this big, important thing.

Credence: Right. Also I think we’re taking turns doing the watch and stuff.

Sophie: Yeah, yeah. And as Ellywick is by the fire, gently playing the pan flute, Lazza kind of drifts off to sleep, and…

Mara: Joke’s on her, Ellywick’s bewitching them! No. [GIGGLES]

Sophie: So as Ellywick is playing the lute—

Mara: [FAKE-ANGRILY] PAN FLUTE.

Sophie: Pan flute, pardon me…

Mara: They don’t HAVE their lute!

Sophie: No they don’t.

Mara: Wonder who did that.

Sophie: Yeah, well… Probably God. So, Ellywick is playing their pan flute and Lazza is drifting off to sleep, and actually, in your restless dreams that night, Lazza, you hear the pan flute in your dreams, which is probably unsettling. But actually, at one point, and I think probably Lazza doesn’t know her musical instruments very well, but at some point, it changes.

[GENTLE HARP MUSIC]

Sophie: Instead of the light, airy sound of a pan flute, it turns into this beautiful, melodic strumming noise, and it sounds like strings being plucked. And it’s harp music. And the dream suddenly becomes very vivid. You don’t really see much of anything, it’s mostly colors and shapes and feelings, and you hear this harp music, and in the midst of this vision, you hear voices whispering… This cacophony of different voices, which, normally, I think when you hear your ancestors, it’s maybe two or three voices intermixed, very few, but this is all your ancestors are all reaching out to you at once with one phrase, three words.

“Trust the harper.”

Credence: This is really cool…!

[LAUGHTER]

Credence: But wouldn’t it be “harpist”…?

Sophie: Nope.

Credence: Okay.

Sophie: “Trust the harper.” The voices swell a little bit, and maybe you hear one voice in particular that’s like, [VICIOUSLY] “Trust the harper!” And you wake up with a start.

Lazza: Ah!

Sophie: And Ellywick is still playing the pan flute, and I think…

Mara: I think they kind of look over, though, like…

Sophie: Yeah, like, Ellywick stopped playing the pan flute and is like, “You okay?”

[LAUGHTER]

Lazza: What the hell is a “harper”?!

Ellywick: You know, I’m not too familiar with harps. That’s not my bag. But I think a harper is someone who makes the harps.

Lazza: [GROGGILY] Okay… I’m gonna go scout for a little bit.

Credence: I think Lazza wants to get away from this music as quickly as she can, ‘cause she’s a little disconcerted that something that felt like it was involving her ancestors got mixed up in the music of a bard. ‘Cause now she’s not sure if she was bewitched or not, I guess.

Sophie: Okay! Sure.

Ellywick: Have a good patrol!

Lazza: [GRUNTS]

[LAUGHTER]

[OUTRO — THEME MUSIC]

#DnD #dnd 5e

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daqtranscripts · 7 years ago

Text

Ep.2 Transcript

Ep. 2 Transcript: Alpine Escape - Chapter Two.

Begin:

Opening theme:

[THEME MUSIC — WRITTEN FOR THE SHOW BY SOPHIE]

[RECAP]

Sophie: It’s a frigid night in the mountains, and we see a group of assorted humanoids — humans, elves, dwarves and other, less common races — huddled together for warmth inside dome cages made of sturdy wood. Rugged and cruel-looking orcs patrol the spaces between the cages as well as the rest of the land between a tall stone keep that the orcs have occupied for some time. In the bowels of the keep, a half-orc named Lazza packs her bags and initiates a daring plan to cover her escape.

Kenway: Thanks...thanks for your stories. Yeah I, uh, I think they’re really helping everyone.

Ellywick: Well thanks.

Kenway: What’s your name?

Ellywick: My name is Ellywick Faelover Wandfidget the Ambiguous.

Kenway: Uh, my name is Kenway. I, uh…do you really think someone is going to come for us? If...if we do get saved, don’t leave us behind, okay?

Mara: Fuck. Oh man! [LAUGHING]

Sophie: How do you respond to that?

Credence: No pressure!

Mara: Right?

Lazza: I could use a distraction. Are you good in a fight?

Defiance: Is this to be some sort of a jailbreak, then?

Lazza: I was just wanting to get away. You could do whatever the hell you want with the kids, but… I wasn’t really thinking on having extra baggage… Ah, fuck it… I’ll chop out the kids while you make a ruckus. Okay. Alright. Oh! And, uh… Hey, if we live through this, I’m Lazza.

Defiance: It is a pleasure to meet you, Lazza. I’m Defiance.

Sophie: There’s, like, an orc on the battlement… Yeah, not only do you hit this orc, but you fuckin’, like, this thing gets hit right in the head with this glowing, like, bolt, and its head snaps back and it falls backwards, not off the battlement, but backwards onto the battlement. They’re preparing for a siege, they think they’re under attack.

Joe: Oof!

[END RECAP]

[THEME MUSIC]

Announcer: This show is part of the trans podcaster visibility initiative.

Sophie: Uh… Okay! Back to Lazza now. Defiance has just kind of skirted off into the night, um, and the villagers are starting to pour out and kind of work on...the other cage. What do you do?

Credence: The one with the…?

Sophie: The one with the elves.

Credence: Okay. And are any of them headed towards, um, the path...that I indicated? ‘Cause, like, 40 people trying to undo a cage is gonna be noticed.

Sophie: Yeah, that’s fair! Maybe like half of ‘em start to undo the cage and — it was 40 including the children and everything…

Credence: Right, but that’s still a lot of people.

Sophie: Yeah, there’s like, 20 adults, maybe like 25, and...we’ll say about half of ‘em kinda work together to undo the cage and they’re pulling it apart — which they’re not having huge success with, but it’s slow-going, but they are doing it — and the other half are heading down the path that you indicated.

Credence: Okay, um… So, I’m gonna...sneak over to the kids’ cage, um…

Sophie: ™ kids, like ™ cage...

[CROSSTALK AND MUFFLED BREATHY LAUGHTER]

Credence: Um… [ROLLS DICE] Well… [NERVOUS CHUCKLE] That is a one.

[SNORTING AND CRINGING “OOH”]

Sophie: I think that, ah… Y’know, again, you’re able to get the cage open with your axe, but you make a lot of noise doing it. To the point—

Credence: Well, here, here — narratively, I have an idea. When the tremors start, Lazza just freaks out. She’s just like, “Holy shit!”

[SNORTING]

Sophie: Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Um, I think...you hear the noises from the castle and everything and I think that Lazza freaks out and — again, I don’t think that you’re unable to get this cage open, I think what happens is just that you’re freaking the fuck out and you’re making a lot of noise and maybe even roaring a little bit, as you’re tearing this down, you’re making like a [ROARING YELLING NOISE]! You scare the shit out of the kids!

Mara: I think Ellywick kinda like, pulls their hood back and is like, “You think you could be a little quieter?!” [LAUGHS]

Lazza: [FRANTICALLY AND LOUDLY] Listen! [CLEARS THROAT AND LOWERS VOICE AGAIN] You’re a weird-looking kid…

Ellywick: [IN IRRITATION] I’m not a kid! I’m a gnome! Thanks!

Lazza: [IN A COMBINATION OF FLUSTERED SURPRISE AND DISCRIMINATORY SUSPICION] Oh—! OH…

[EVERYONE ERUPTS INTO LAUGHTER]

Lazza: [FLUSTERED] Look, um…! The…! The strange orc is doing magic! And! Look! I — do you wanna get outta here or not?!

Ellywick: [SHIFT IN DEMEANOR] I… Uh, yeah! How can I help?

Lazza: Ahh, j-just— c’mon, bring the kids…! Ah, FUCK. See that path?

Credence: [ASIDE] I point out the path again.

Ellywick: Yeah?

Lazza: I just need you to get the kids to the path and give ‘em to the...give ‘em off to the humans, you just… Uhh… Yeah! Just get…! Going that way!

Mara: Okay, and I think I kind of, like, round up all of the kids with the help of Kenway and — I know all their names by now and I’m like, “Timmy, Bobby, Susie, Kenway, let’s go!” Like… [LAUGHS]

Sophie: And I think, actually, as you’re doing it, Kenway is kind of looking at Lazza and kind of grabs Ellywick’s hand quick and tries to pull you down the path as well.

Mara: Mhmm.

Sophie: And kind of looks at you and is like, definitely scared of Lazza a bit, but is looking at you, Ellywick, and looking like, “Don’t...don’t leave us!”

Ellywick: I, erm… Look, kid, you’ll be safe with the adults, I just… I can help, and remember those heroes that I told you about? Kinda one of them sometimes.

Kenway: Promise me you’ll come.

Mara: R-right now? Come back? I dunno what you’re asking me! [NERVOUS CHUCKLING]

Sophie: I thought you were making a sex joke.

Mara: Nooooo!

Sophie: Well, I wouldn’t put it past you!

Credence: [FAUX MIFFED] It’s a child, Sophie!

Sophie: I-I’m the one playing the child! Mara’s the one playing the fucking pervy gnome!

Mara: Yeah but they’re not gonna perv on some kids! They have standards!

Sophie: Well I should hope so! But yeah, no…

Kenway: Promise me you’ll follow.

Ellywick: I’ll b— I’ll be back in a little bit, don’t worry about me!

Sophie: Okay, yeah, he runs off.

Mara: Okay. I, um… What do I see, I guess? What’s…

Sophie: Ah, you wanna make a perception roll?

Mara: Sure.

Sophie: We’ll get you rolling some dice.

Mara: [ROLLS DICE] Ugh! Uuuuhhhh, that is...a four!

Sophie: ‘Kay. You see kind of the only obvious things here — you see this big-ass fuckin’ orc that’s starting to walk away, and… What is Lazza doing right now, actually?

Credence: Um. I think Lazza is going over to help with the elf cage, ‘cause like…

Sophie: I think Lazza’s just like, “We needed to get out of here, like, five minutes ago!”

Credence: Mhmm.

Sophie: Like, “The sooner you all leave, the better.”

Credence: Mhmm.

Sophie: Okay! Yep. That makes sense from a character choice standpoint. Okay, so that’s...but you don’t really intuit anything about the situation.

Mara: Okay. Uuuuuuumm…! I think I’m gonna go and try and help out just with getting the, ah, I guess the elf cage.

Sophie: Okay. Ah, do y’all wanna make another stealth roll? Lazza?

Credence: Yeah. [ROLLS DICE]

Mara: Should I, too?

Sophie: I think Lazza’s the one hacking it apart.

Mara: Alright.

Credence: Well, I got a 10.

Sophie: Yeah, again, I think that this happens very loudly, but at the same time, you know, I think probably the earth is still shaking a little bit and there’s tons of commotion inside the keep, and I just don’t think that there’s a huge amount of people looking for exactly what’s happening. You know? They’re probably not overly concerned with their prisoners, they’re looking for an incoming army. So, I think they probably don’t notice, but at the same time, it’s very loud and you’re probably filled with anxiety over that.

Ellywick: Stealth, uh, isn’t really your strong suit, huh?

Lazza: Well actually, I’m proficient in it, it’s just, uh, I’m nervous.

[SOFT CHUCKLING]

Ellywick: I, ah… I’ll believe it when I see it, I guess! I… So what’s the plan? What’re we doing?

Lazza: Uh… Well, I haven’t really thought much...past this… Um… I mean, like—

Ellywick: [FLABBERGASTED] Let me get this straight — you decided you were gonna free all of us and then just, I don’t know, let what happens happen?!

Lazza: [FLUSTERED] Well, I just…! I needed...I needed a distraction, I needed to get out of here! So like, look, I mean…

Ellywick: [SCOFFS]

Lazza: [STAMMERING] I don’t know! I’m making it up as I go! Just, ah… Look, the strange orc is making a...quite a bit of ruckus over there. So we need to...get going! And just start running! Or, you know…! I didn’t think this through!

Sophie: I think as you are literally shouting “I didn’t think this through,” Defiance comes running, like jogging straight up and is like, “Back! Strange Orc is back!~”

Lazza: Okay! Strange Orc! [STUTTERING] Do you have any ideas?! What do we do?!

Ellywick: Wait! What’s your name? You’ve gotta have a name other than “Strange Orc.”

Defiance: Oh! Erm… My name is Defiance.

Ellywick: Pleased to meet you! Orc, what’s your name?

Lazza: [ANXIOUSLY] I— Look, I’m Lazza, but we really gotta go, and I think we should make a beeline—

Credence: And she points to, like, another...path that’s really hidden, like not really… I think she has another means of escape besides the path she told the prisoners to go down so that she wouldn’t be tracked with them.

Mara: Yeah…

Credence: So she’s like—

Lazza: Look, look! It’s great to get to know y’all, but we gotta GO.

Mara: Ellywick’s—

Ellywick: [HUFFY] Well, I promised the kid I would be back, so I gotta go that way, but uh, [VERY FAST AND VERY EXCITED] I’m Ellywick Faelover Wandfidget the Ambiguous, it was nice to meet ya!

Mara: And that’s kinda as they’re running away.

Defiance: [SOFTLY] Li-like...wise…?

Mara: [CHUCKLING]

Defiance: Lazza, you go down your path. I’ll catch up.

Lazza: [STUTTERS]

Defiance: I think just a bit more chaos is needed.

Mara: And Ellywick kinda, like, whips around and is like, “Chaos?~”

Lazza: Well, yeah, that’s the whole point, we’re trying to make a distraction, but it’s no good if you both end up dead! Like, look, I…! You know what? Damn it!

Defiance: [BEMUSED BUT EARNEST] It’ll be fine. It’ll be fine.

Ellywick: [DEVIOUSLY] I got a trick or two up my sleeve if they catch us.

Credence: I feel like… I feel like Lazza would have...like, she’s already kinda got a kinship with Defiance just ‘cause she likes the strange orc with purple skin! Like, look, that’s rad! Your teeth are growing out of your head though, that’s super weird.

Joe: [LAUGHING]

Credence: But…

Joe: I’m sorry.

Credence: I feel like she’s a little bit more mistrustful of Ellywick ‘cause she doesn’t know what to expect from her?

Mara: Them.

Credence: Sorry. Them. And…

Joe: That’s fair.

Credence: I’m just trying to figure out if Lazza would stay? Do you know what I mean?

[CHORUS OF HUMMED AGREEMENT]

Sophie: I’ll tell you, as a narrator, like, y’all can do what you want, but you kind of have a moral, ethical choice — either you can abandon these villagers, who will probably be captured and killed by the orcs if they don’t have someone to lead them through the forest, and who will probably die of exposure even if the orcs don’t catch up with them, and you can go on your own...or you can go with them and kind of try to ensure their survival. And I think that’s a conversation that the three of you need to have. That’s something that your characters need to work through.

Credence: Right. ‘Cause like, right now, where Lazza is, she’s just focused on “she needs to get out.” She doesn’t have the perspective right now to realize, “You’re going to leave all these people for dead if you don’t go with them.”

Sophie: Right, absolutely.

Joe: Mhmm.

Credence: She doesn’t have that, like, perspective right now. She can’t think through that ‘cause she’s currently worried about herself.

Joe: Right.

[INDECIPHERABLE CROSSTALK]

Joe: I was, ah… I was gonna have Defiance kind of explain that, just in general.

Mara: Mhmm.

Joe: I’ll do a little, like — I’ll do a character voice.

Defiance: Listen! Lazza, I know you’re scared! But the thing is I need to stay behind just a little bit more so those villagers have a little bit more time to get out of sight, because one or two of us can more easily sneak away than a whole group. But those people also need some guidance.

Ellywick: And I don’t know these woods so well. I made a promise to a kid though, so… You seem like you know this area pretty well, orc.

Lazza: Yeah, I do. I just…

Defiance: Listen. I swear to you by my gods, I will catch up to you. But please, make sure that those people are safe. Can you do that for me?

Lazza: Yeah. Look, if we’re gonna have that much… If we’re gonna have all these folks here, they’re gonna need to be able to defend themselves. Doesn’t matter how much I bring ‘em through the forest or how good my tracking skills are in trying to get us away, we’re gonna have to defend ourselves eventually. So, uh… I guess I’m… We’re gonna need some weapons.

Defiance: Aye. Do you know of any of the nearby villages here? There might be a few blacksmiths, or, if you think that it would be wise, we could try to steal some from the orcs here, but I think that it might be a fool’s errand. We might just get ourselves killed.

Lazza: Well, uh...depends on how good you can make a… How good the rest of your distractions are. As far as they know, I’m still one of them.

Credence: So...I guess what I’m figuring here is that Lazza would try to… Is the keep completely locked down now, Sophie?

Sophie: Yeah, the keep is completely locked down, they’re preparing for seige. There’s one orc that’s running around outside right now, and...actually, hmm, I should’ve had you do this but I didn’t think of it. But since you all are going this route, make a retroactive perception check, probably just Defiance.

[DICE ROLLING]

Joe: Oh, just me? Oh, okay. Uh, 14.

Sophie: I think you saw this, then… You saw some shit fall. Because of your Guiding Bolt, when that got hit, that whole area got illuminated, and you saw the things, basically, that that orc was holding… He saw the light, and he leaned over a little bit and then he dropped ‘em and he got shot backwards by your Guiding Bolt. But some things were dropped off the battlements, and then there’s one orc running around outside too.

Joe: Alright.

Sophie: Trying to find a way in unsuccessfully.

Defiance: Well, at least we know where there might be a few weapons, at the very least.

Lazza: Where?

Defiance: I see you’ve got that nice big axe of yours… Over right by the battlement, I think there’s an orc outside and I think the one that I hit lost some of his stuff.

Lazza: Ah… Alright. Hey, gnome…you, uh—

Ellywick: [FIRMLY] I have a name! I have six!

Lazza: Ah...yeah… Uh...E-Ellywhistle? Is that it?

[RAUCOUS LAUGHTER]

Ellywick: It’s Ellywick!

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

Lazza: [EMBARRASSED] Uh… Okay, uh…

[INTERMISSION — INTERLUDING THEME MUSIC]

Sophie: What’s up, dungeoneers? This is Sophie Lastnameredacted here with your commercial break that I know is everyone’s favourite part of the episode, but we have to do it because I said so! I have got three things again that I wanna tell you about quick.

One is that we are offering real live advertising… [FUMBLES WORDS] slots on the show. I can talk. Um, real live advertising slots on the show. So if you have a podcast, or an Etsy shop, or a webcomic, or anything that you wanna get advertised, we can help you out! Slots start at just $5/episode, so they are pretty cheap and you can hit us up about that pretty much wherever you wanna contact us. We’re pretty easy to get a hold of. There’s information on your cover art.

Next thing I want to mention is our Patreon. We have three different levels currently. The first is a $1 level, where you get access to some bonus content; that includes pictures of the cast, that includes...how do you wanna say...stat sheets, that includes some character bios, some player bios, just some interesting stuff that we think it is… You know, it’s not needed, per se, to enjoy the show, but it’s cool if you’re into that sort of thing!

So at the $10 level, which is the next one up, you get early episodes. So basically you get the episodes a week early, no fuss, no muss, you’re just the first one at the water cooler to know about it.

And then at the $15/month level, you are basically part of our inner circle, our absolute best friends, and because you’re our best friends, we’re gonna send you gifts! Once or twice a year! Basically how it’s gonna go is starting in June, we’re gonna — all of our $15/month Patrons, we’re gonna send out gifts, and it could be anything! We’re looking at potentially some pride-themed colored dice, we’re looking at mugs with the show kind of logo on ‘em, the cover art, we’re looking at just all sorts of cool merch, maybe some dice towers. Maybe a cool custom dice bag or dice chest or something. I’m actually a carpenter as a hobby, so there’s a chance that — probably not this first time but there’s a chance that eventually you might get something made for you specifically by me! I might go to my shop and crank out a couple of cool rewards. So basically, we want to thank you for being a supporter at that level, at our highest level, and we’re gonna do everything we can to make sure you get what you want. We’re even gonna cover shipping.

So basically, our Patreon link, the web address for it is on your cover art. Go check that out and hopefully you decide to support us! Even $1/month, folks, that is 50¢/episode. This is queer content with good representation. I think it’s… We’re talking, like, hour-long episodes pretty much, more or less — sometimes more, sometimes less — but I think that that’s worth 50¢/episode. I really do. I know that certain people have caps and how much they support, how much money they contribute to art and stuff like that a month, but really, I think that just about most people can swing $1/month, 50¢/episode. So. You know, I want to encourage you to all go check that out and consider it!

The next thing I want to talk to you about, and I promise we’re almost done and then we’ll get back to the...well, not the dungeon, but the, how do you wanna say, orc encampment — is the transcription project we have going on right now. I can’t transcribe all this audio by myself. I’m not that good at audio transcription, I’m really slow, and it’s a huge problem when it takes me days and days and days and days and days to transcribe audio, because that means that I can’t get ahead on other stuff, and when I can’t get ahead on other stuff, like editing audio, we risk having to release episodes late. Which is a huge problem, especially when we’re asking for Patrons. So if you are interested in accessibility and disability advocacy and stuff like that… I shouldn’t say “disability advocacy.” I know not all d/Deaf people consider being d/Deaf a disability. I apologize for that. But my point is if you care about accessibility at all, for people who communicate different and for people who, you know, need a different accommodation in this audio medium, like… You can help us! Get in contact with me through our email and I will share the Google Drive folder with you, and you’ll get access to the episodes sometimes two or even three weeks early! Sometimes maybe even more! With the understanding that you are helping us make transcripts. And if you don’t live up to that, then I will remove you from the people that it’s shared with. I’m not messing around. Please don’t screw with me here, okay? I really… I hope we don’t have any problems, I hope we don’t have anyone who just wants the episodes early and doesn’t care about accessibility and stuff like that. But I do need some help. I can’t do this by myself. Like I said, I’m just not that great at it. And it’s not that hard! You know, the idea — at least, in my mind — is that it...if our episodes are an hour long and we have ten people contributing to it, each person needs to only transcribe six minutes of audio. That’s not that much! That’s so much better than me doing an hour! So if you’re interested in helping out and making this accessible, I would really appreciate it if you would get in contact with me. And, you know, you’ll have my respect and admiration for that.

So yeah! That’s about all I have to say today. Next episode is gonna drop, as always, in two weeks. So I will see you then. Check out our Patreon and let’s get back to the adventure!

[END INTERCESSION — INTERLUDING THEME MUSIC]

Lazza: A-alright, Ellywick. You, uh… [STAMMERING] You good in a fight…? You wanna help me take down that guy? While, uh, while Defiance here keeps making some, uh, some ruckus?

Ellywick: I, ah… Yeah! Sure.

Sophie: Okay! Uh…

[INDECIPHERABLE CROSSTALK AND LAUGHTER]

Sophie: Defiance first, I’m assuming you’ll go up and try to find whatever was dropped?

Joe: Yeah.

Sophie: Okay, so… You find a—

Credence: Wait, wait, wait, wait. I’m sorry, I’m confused. I thought that the orc who’s running around is near the stuff that got dropped.

Sophie: I was just gonna say that they’re kind of in two different areas. Because Defiance had to return from being over in that separate area. Does that make sense? So the area that Defiance shot that Bolt from was a little ways away from where you all are now.

Credence: Okay, but they shot the Bolt up at the keep at the battlement and the...like, directly underneath would be the orc trying to get in, right?

Sophie: Uh...yeah, I imagined it as a different section of the battlement. Like, the battlement goes all the way around the outside of the keep.

Credence: Right. Okay. Sorry, um, I thought you were trying to indicate that we’d have to attack that orc to get at those weapons.

Sophie: Noooo, yeah, there’s two separate things going on. Okay! So we’ll resolve Defiance’s first. Defiance, I assume you go over there?

Joe: Yeah.

Sophie: Do you wanna make a stealth roll or do you wanna just kind of…?

Joe: Ummm… Sure, yeah, yeah. [ROLLS DICE] Aw, that’s only a 12.

Sophie: Uhhhhh… Yeah, that beats an orc’s passing perception, actually, so—

Joe: Phew!

Sophie: Yeah, they are not great. We’ll say that that’s good enough.

Credence: [SASSILY/SARCASTICALLY] Excuse you. Not all orcs.

[SNICKERING]

Sophie: Yeah, well…

Credence: Oh wow.

Sophie: Yeah.

Credence: I just used those words.

[LAUGHING]

Sophie: Yeah. Um… [SIGHS] So you go over there and you find a, kind of embedded in the ground as it’s very heavy and it fell from a great distance, but there is a warhammer.

Joe: Nice! Oh, I… I offer just a quick prayer of thanks ‘cause I feel like this is an omen.

Sophie: [LAUGHS HEARTILY]

Joe: What?! One of my gods, their symbol is a warhammer!

Sophie: Oh, really? Okay.

Credence: That’s pretty rad.

Sophie: That is pretty rad. Okay, and then I’ll assume you kind of make your way back with that same level of stealth. And then, Lazza and Ellywick, you kind of go up to this kind of screeching, really nervous orc — oh, I’m sorry, Defiance, did you want to make more distractions or something? Like, what were you gonna do?

Joe: Um, well I was gonna do is… I can actually cast thaumaturgy again, do more of the tremors, but also cast Burning Hands on… Are the cages really the only really wooden things around here? Is there also maybe, like, a stack of firewood somewhere?

Sophie: Um… I think that you can kind of drag the wicker into a pile, and I think that’ll work.

Joe: Mmkay! I’ll do that then. Catch it on fire.

Sophie: Okay! Cool! You do that. And those are the distractions — there’s more tremors and there’s a fire. So, Ellywick and Lazza, you walk up to this big motherfucker of an orc — he’s actually not that big of a motherfucker, he’s kind of a scrawny fucker…

Credence: Well, question. Would we get… If we tried sneaking up, could we maybe get an ambush kind of thing?

Sophie: Yeah, sure, if you wanna make stealth rolls.

Credence: What do you think, Ellywick?

Mara: Yeah! Sure!

[INDECIPHERABLE CROSSTALK]

Credence: [ROLLS DICE]

Mara: I’ve got a plan otherwise that can incapacitate him, so...even if we don’t successfully sneak, I’ve got something planned. [ROLLS DICE]

Credence: Well, I got an 18, finally, so. [HUFFED LAUGHTER]

Joe: Niiiiiice!

Mara: Uuuuuum…!~ I got...a 20. Ayyy!

Sophie: Okay! Uh, yeah! I think that you two actually sneak up on this guy fairly well and get a surprise round of combat.

Credence: Noice.

Mara: Nooooice.

Sophie: So roll initiative just so I know who’s going first.

Mara: [ROLLS DICE]

Credence: Okay, and initiative is our d—

Sophie: D20?

Credence: Yeah, but it’s like, plus decks? [ROLLS DICE]

Mara: 9.

Credence: I got 21.

Mara: Nice!

Sophie: Okay. Cool. So Lazza goes first, and then Ellywick, and then it’ll be Lazza again ‘cause you’ll get a surprise round. But uh… Let’s, Lazza, why don’t you make your attack roll or do whatever you’re gonna do?

Credence: [BREATHES DEEPLY] Okay, um, so… I think...I think I’m just gonna do, um… Sorry, I’m just trying to figure out, like, do I rage yet? Or… You know.

Mara: [LAUGHS SOFTLY]

Credence: But I think I’m gonna just do a...two-handed battle-axe swing at this guy.

Sophie: Okay, cool.

Credence: Soooo, let’s see… [ROLLS DICE] And that’s a 9! That did not work.

Mara: You tap him on the head.

Sophie: Is that a 9 plus whatever you’re supposed to add?

Credence: Um, well, I got a 3 and then…

Sophie: Oh, okay.

Mara: Oof-a-doof-a!

Credence: And then I get a plus 6.

Sophie: Okay. So I think that attack doesn’t really work. Uh, I think it’s dark and you’re still nervous and you miss.

Credence: I probably — the tremors freaked me out again, and I’m just like [SHOUTS IN SURPRISE WITH LAZZA VOICE], you know?

Sophie: Okay, Ellywick?

Mara: Ellywick is going to cast Tasha’s Hideous Laughter, so…

Joe: Oh, God…

Mara: “A creature of my choice that I can see within range perceives everything as hilariously funny and falls into fits of laughter if this spell affects it. The target must succeed on a Wisdom saving throw or fall prone, becoming incapacitated and unable to stand for the duration.” So you have to beat...13! [ROLLS DICE AND LAUGHS EVILLY]

Sophie: Yeah, that is…

Joe: Christ…

Sophie: What is that, a 6 or an 8? That’s 6. That’s a 6, plus 0 — that does not pass. This orc goes from screaming to laughing in the most horrible noise you’ve ever heard as it falls prone and drops all its shit and is just, as the spell said, incapacitated.

Mara: [CACKLES] Ah… Oh, wait, so he dropped the shit?

Credence: Was he holding, like, a weapon?

Sophie: Yeah, yeah, we’ll say he dropped the longsword he was holding.

Mara: Um, can I...as part of this turn, try and grab it, or…?

Sophie: Yeah, sure.

Mara: Okay. Should I roll stealth?

Sophie: Just make a dex check. Sleight of Hand, I think.

Mara: Okay, Sleight of Hand, okay. [ROLLS DICE] 15!

[INDECIPHERABLE CROSSTALK]

Joe: That sword’s about as big as you are.

Sophie: Yeah.

Mara: [PROUDLY] Yeah. [LAUGHS]

Sophie: Yeah, that’s good enough. Okay, so you picked up this sword. What do you do?

Mara: I’m gonna stash it for now.

Sophie: Okay. And I think Lazza’s top of the order.

Credence: Okay, Lazza is now SCREAMING. And just points at—

[HEARTY LAUGHTER]

Credence: Just, like…

Lazza: [SCREAMING] What did you…?! What did you do?! What the hell are you?! [FRANTIC STAMMERING] What did you do?!

Ellywick: [SURPRISED] I can use magic!

Lazza: Oh, dear GOD!

[MORE LAUGHTER]

Ellywick: Thanks!

Lazza: [INDECIPHERABLE PANICKED FRAGMENTS] Can you make him stop?! It’s just, it’s terrifying!

Ellywick: I, ah, I mean… It’s kinda, if he’s gonna nut up and get over it at this point…

Joe: I mean, you could just kill him.

Ellywick: Yeah, that would probably be the easiest way would just be to strike him down.

Mara: And I think Ellywick’s kinda looking up at Lazza and just blinking, like, “Your move.”

Lazza: I just… Fuckin’ magic users.

Credence: And then she just swings her axe two-handed and just goes through this dude’s neck.

Sophie: Okay, I think that you have advantage on an attack roll.

Mara: Yeah, ‘cause he’s prone.

Credence: Yeah, ‘cause he’s prone. Okay. [ROLLS DICE] Good, ‘cause that was another FUCKING 3. [ROLLS DICE] And that is a 23!

[CHEERING AND WHOOPING]

Credence: So then I roll one D10 plus four?

Sophie: Yep!

Credence: Um… Lemme see here… [ROLLS DICE] Alright, I got a seven plus four, so 11.

Sophie: Yeah, you cleanly decapitate this orc.

Mara: I think Ellywick looks kind of horrified.

Sophie: And I think, probably, you do a cool Obi/Ani twirling your axe around first and then “HWAHHH!” with that.

Joe: Nice!

Credence: I think that with this, Lazza looks so much more relaxed.

Mara: Oh God!

Credence: After having cleanly — she’s full of this rage because she does not like magic all that much, ‘cause like… She’s just way more calm now that she’s just like… And there’s a little bit of blood spatter on her hands and maybe up on her face and she’s just kind of like, gives a slightly serene smile with her eyes looking off into the distance a little. [DESCENDS INTO LAUGHTER]

Mara: Ellywick just kinda looks up at Lazza and is like…

Ellywick: I…! I didn’t mean take his head off!

Lazza: Well it made me feel better. This guy was a jerk.

[RAUCOUS LAUGHTER]

Ellywick: Fair enough! Now what?

Lazza: Well, check his pockets.

Mara: Yeah, we check his pockets.

Sophie: You loot the body. We’ll say that you all find 6GP total, which you can split two ways or three ways depending on how you wanna be.

Mara: I mean, I don’t care.

Credence: I mean… That’s pocket change to Lazza, ‘cause she’s used to raiding a lot more than that.

[CROSSTALK]

Mara: So Ellywick’s gonna pocket that, then.

Sophie: Okay.

Credence: And we can divvy up all of our money later if we’re gonna use it. What else is on him?

Sophie: Well, there was the longsword that y’all already took… I think that’s probably about it. This was not exactly a well-equipped raider. I think Defiance returns to you all and you say whatever it is that you say.

Defiance: Well, it looks like the gods have smiled on the both of us! Got myself a nice warhammer, got — dear God, it’s as big as you are!

Ellywick: [SOFTLY, BUT WITH PASSION] Yeah! [REGULAR VOLUME] To be honest, I much prefer daggers, but uh… Here we are.

Sophie: So you all have an ethical dilemma now, which I believe you solved, but it’s time to shit or get off the pot with it — do you go after Kenway and the rest of the villagers or do you go down a different path, so to speak?

Mara: Ellywick does.

Joe: Yeah, I’ll say…

Defiance: Well, should we catch up with the villagers, then?

Ellywick: Yeah.

Lazza: Well...yeah.

Credence: And Lazza’s kinda like, she’s holding… She has a pouch around her neck that holds the stones she uses to commune with her ancestors. She’s holding it a little bit, fidgeting with it nervously and is like…

Sophie: I think there’s a chill wind blows as you’re fidgeting with these and trying to make you decision, and you hear some voices that have guided you well in your life that you typically feel rather compelled to follow, and all they say is, “Follow them.”

Mara: I think Ellywick kinda looks up at Lazza and says…

Ellywick: [CHEERFULLY] Come on, Llama!

Lazza: Okay, that’s...that’s fair.

[BURST OF LAUGHTER]

Lazza: Yeah. Okay. Alright. Fuck it, let’s do this!

Sophie: You all quickly make your escape and head down the dark wooded path, and before you catch up with the rest of the villagers, you see a familiar fresh face — and Kenway, as he smiles at you and says…

Kenway: [BEAMING] I knew you all wouldn’t let us down!

Sophie: Credits.

[CHEERING]

Mara: Yay, we did it!

Credence: We did it!

Joe: Yay!

Credence: And I got to decapitate somebody in the first episode!

Joe: Nice!

Mara: I got to use a really awesome spell that I’ve never used before! That was fun!

Credence: Yeah, and like, can you blame Lazza though for freaking the fuck out?

[OUTRO — THEME MUSIC]

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daqtranscripts · 7 years ago

Text

DAQ Ep.1 Transcript

Ep. 1 Transcript: Alpine Escape — Chapter One.

Begin:

Opening theme:

This show is part of the trans podcaster visibility initiative.

[THEME MUSIC — WRITTEN FOR THE SHOW BY SOPHIE]

Sophie: Hello everybody! Welcome to Dungeons and Queers, where the gender’s made up and the pronouns definitely matter.

[ASSORTED LAUGHING]

Joe: Nice.

Credence: We’re here, we’re queer, let’s go, dungeoneers!

[ASSORTED “AYYYY” AND LAUGHING]

Credence: Yeah.

Sophie: Yeah, I can’t say it was good, but I did enjoy it.

Credence: Oh come on, you have way worse puns in your opening.

Sophie: I uh...you don’t need to tell the listeners about my openings, honey.

Credence: [LAUGHS] I’m just matching the mood, which is apparently explicit.

Sophie: [AS TIM GUNN] “Thank you, mood!”

[ASSORTED LAUGHTER]

Sophie: [NORMAL VOICE] How much Project Runway have we been watching?

Mara: So much.

Sophie: So much.

Mara: Sorry…

Credence: Oh boy.

Sophie: Just uh...just in case anybody didn’t listen to our opening episode, my name is Sophie and my pronouns are she/her/hers. I am the DM so I am playing all the characters and their pronouns are…

Credence: Variable.

Sophie: ...widely varied.

Mara: Any and all.

Joe: Alright, I’m Joe Alias, and I’m playing the character of Defiance.

Sophie: Pronouns?

Joe: Oh! my pronouns are they/them/theirs, as are Defiance’s.

Sophie: Okay.

Mara: I am Mara, I use they/them pronouns, and I am playing Ellywick, who also uses they/them pronouns.

Credence: And my name is Credence It-Has-Nothing-to-Do-With-Clearwater-Revival my pronouns are he/him or they/them and I will be playing Lazza, whose pronouns are she/her.

Sophie: Okay, and uh... If you are starting here, I strongly recommend going back and listening to Episode 0; that tells you, like, what races our characters are and, like, what classes they are, and it’s all very good information that you kind of will need to understand this. We only really separated the two episodes because uhh… You know if you’re if you, let’s say you finish, like a year from now when we’re done recording this or whatever, and we’ve moved on to another campaign, and you already know who the characters are and you just wanted to start with episode one. Uh, that way we made it easy, um, but uh I highly recommend going back and listening to that episode because um you know there’s a lot of information that you just won’t have.

[INDECIPHERABLE CROSSTALK]

Mara: Sorry! No I got really confused because I just bought a new set of dies [sic] and the 6 and the 9 are right next to each other on my d20 but they have a little dot indicating which way is which but it was such a tiny dot that at first it looked like two sixes or two nines depending on your perspective.

Joe: Oh yeah the dot just blends in with the…

Mara: With the glitter so...

Credence: Yeah the 6 and the 9 are always next to each other on a d20, usually there’s like a line.

Mara: Oh yeah, so they are.

Sophie: Okay! Let’s get our story started. I have a little bit of an intro um…

Mara: Well I should hope so. [LAUGHING]

Credence: Sophie, like, all of the sudden is like, “Oh shit was I supposed to do something for this?”

Sophie: Yeah, was I supposed to like, like, carefully and painstakingly craft a world for you all to be in?

Mara: [LAUGHING] Oh shit!

Sophie: Whoops! Let’s just improv something!

Credence: Yes, and?

Joe: Oh bless…

Credence: [LAUGHING]

Sophie: Our adventure starts on the darkest day of the year, the solstice. But where we find ourselves there is [sic] no jubilant celebrations or villagers coming together. It’s a frigid night in the mountains, and we see groups of assorted humanoids, humans, elves, dwarves, and other, less common, races huddled together for warmth inside dome-cages made of sturdy wood. Rugged and cruel looking orcs patrol the spaces between the cages as well as rest of the land between a tall stone keep that the orcs have occupied for some time. Countless townsfolk have had their villages sacked and destroyed and have been dragged up to these mountains, to Grimhold Keep, to suffer and die at the amusement of these orcs for years. But tonight is different. On this bleak, horrible night, something has changed. 3 individuals who have never met find themselves on the verge of being saviors to these unsuspecting captives. Their safety and wellbeing is not guaranteed, and neither is their survival by any means. But before the night is up, for the first time since their construction, these wood cages will harbor captives with hope in their hearts.

Huddled among a group of children, we find a hooded creature much older than those keeping warm around them. A gnome, Ellywick Wandfidget by name, tries to comfort the children they were shepherded into the cage with because of their height. They try to comfort the sobbing children by spinning tales of great adventurers and heroes who came to the rescue of children just like them, promising that such a vanguard of justice will arrive. This is a lie, and they know it. They are all doomed and will soon die painful deaths at the hands of the orcs’ gleeful axes and spears. This is also a lie, although this they don’t know it.

In an adjacent dome, we find a group of humans huddled tight, not just against the cold but against the terror in their midst. A large, purple-skinned Tiefling with small spiral horns who calls themself Defiance sits crouched against the opposite side of the makeshift cell, clothing in tatters, recovering from the beating the villagers gave them mere hours ago. The orcs were brutal in their beatings but the villagers’ fists were powered by the strength of ignorance and terror. They know that if something doesn’t happen soon, they will freeze to death before morning.

In the bowels of the keep, a half-orc named Lazza packs her bags and initiates a daring plan to cover her escape. She feels the call of her ancestors pulling her forward, knowing that for some unknown reason she must leave her home and go out into the world. To not be pursued and killed for desertion, ending her line, she will need a cunning plan, which isn’t normally her strong suit. But in their own secret way, her ancestors have paved the way and shown the path that she now sees before her. What she needs more than anything is a distraction, and as she closes her bedroom door for what she knows will be the last time, she moves forward with a determined purpose and a dull rage burning in her heart that will keep her warm.

So! Um…

Credence: First of all, nice.

Joe: Right.

Sophie: Thanks, reading out loud is not my strong suit.

Credence: Well it was excellent! I’m, I’m stoked.

Mara: Right? Yeah.

Sophie: So our first scene that we are going to have happen is between Ellywick and a young — uh well not super young — a 14 year old boy who is kinda huddled up against a bunch of the other younger ones trying to keep them warm. And he looks at you and says, [AS A 14-YEAR-OLD BOY] “Thanks for your stories.”

Ellywick: Yeah, they’re about all I have right now. I wish I could do more.

Boy: Yeah I, uh, I think they’re really helping everyone.

Ellywick: Well thanks.

Boy: What’s your name?

Ellywick: My name is Ellywick Faelover Wandfidget the Ambiguous.

Boy: Do I have to say that whole thing every time?

Ellywick: I mean...you don’t have to… I forget how you humans are about names.

[ASSORTED CHUCKLING]

Boy: Yeah, yeah I suppose.

Credence: Man, I do feel that.

[ASSORTED LAUGHING]

Boy: Well for what it’s worth, it’s a pleasure making your acquaintance, Ellywick… Faelover… Wandfiget… The Ambiguous.

Ellywick: [SIGHS] You can just call me Ellywick — what’s your name?

Boy: Uh, my name is Kenway.

Ellywick: “Kenway”?

Sophie: Named for @kenwaylights on Twitter; if you want to get an NPC named after you on the show, Tweet about the show using the hashtag “#DungeonsandQueers”!

Joe: [INDISTINCT BEEP-BOOPING TUNE]

Ellywick: It’s nice to meet you too, Kenway.

Kenway: I, uh...do you really think that someone is going to come for us?

Mara: ...Do I have to roll a bluff check here?

[RAUCOUS LAUGHTER]

Sophie: I mean, if you want to lie to him, yeah!

Mara: I mean...yeah! I think this is, this is…alright, hang on, let’s roll some dice!

Credence: Well, you gotta to say what your bluff is first, and then see if it works.

Mara: Yeah, I mean, I’m gonna give him hope that someone is going to come save him, you know, we’re going to get out of here. [DICE ROLL] That is a 22! How’s that for a first roll?

Sophie: First roll of the fucking thing! That’s awesome!

Joe: Whoa!

Credence: “There’s a shining beacon that comes down and—”

Mara: Right? Shit.

Credence: [DEEP VOICE] “Do not be afraid!”

Mara: [LAUGHING] “Fear not!”

Joe: Right?

Sophie: “I am the LORD, your God.” Uh yeah, no, I think, uh, I think he’s really comforted by your words and, uh, I think probably with a roll that good he starts to cry a little bit, and uh, like probably wipes the tear away pretty quick because it’s freezing and it hurts to have wetness on your skin, um, but, uh, he seems really comforted and kinda goes back to comforting the rest of the kids. And he looks at you and he says, [AS KENWAY] “Just, just promise me one thing, Ellywick — just don’t...don’t leave us behind if we manage… If we do get saved, don’t leave us behind.”

Mara: Fuck. Oh man! [LAUGHING]

Sophie: How do you respond to that?

Credence: No pressure!

Mara: Right? I mean, I think Ellywick, um, has a special fondness for kids actually, that’s definitely a big part of who they are. Um, so I think they’re gonna kinda look at Kenway and say, “I won’t, I’ll make sure you’re safe.”

Sophie: Okay, is that a lie?

Mara: No.

Sophie: Okay, then you do that.

Joe: D’awww…

Mara: And I think they go about distracting the kids from their plight, you know, that improv game where you tell a story by everyone saying one word and you go around in a circle that way, I think Ellywick starts that up.

Joe: Ahh nice!

Sophie: I also want to preface, this is an unusual start to a D&D campaign, given that two of our PCs are captured, uhh...you have, the two of you that are captured have no armor and no weapons and I know you know that but I want to make sure that the play— er rather, that the listeners know that — no armor and no weapons. And Lazza has equipment and stuff like that because she’s not a captive.

Joe: I am shielded in the love of the Triad!

Sophie: Yeah, yeah.

Mara: [LAUGHING]

Credence: Which by the way as a queer, polyamorous person, I’m just not going to stop giggling at “I am shielded by the love of the triad!”

Mara: Things I want my kids to say someday.

Joe: Right?

Sophie: Honestly!

[ASSORTED LAUGHTER]

Sophie: I think Lazza, you make your way up from the bowels of the castle and out onto the, you know kind of past the poorly guarded portcullis, there’s probably an orc or two there not paying the most attention, but still ready to sound an alarm… Should one need to be sounded. You make your way past, is there anything special you do? Or are you just trying to go unnoticed?

Credence: Uhh… I think she’d get kind of a nod, there’s no way that, even if they’re not paying that much attention, nobody’s going to see her lift, like, a portcullis, so she kind of gives just like a casual nod to the orcs outside, then kind of tries to discreetly look like she’s doing a patrol—

Sophie: Sure, sure. Credence: Like just walking through the encampment, looking at the different cages.

Sophie: Yeah that makes sense to me. These are your… You know, this is your raiding party, even if they don’t know your name, they’ve seen you around. Okay, so you are now outside the keep. What do you do?

Credence: [SIGHING] That’s a good question. I guess she’s gonna kind of look around and try to find, like, the best… I want her to look around and try to figure out the best way to make it look like somebody escaped on their own without her assistance, would that be like a perception check or investigation check?

Sophie: I think perception would be like if you wanted to know ‘how many guards are around,’ whereas investigation would be like you’re kinda walking up, maybe not right up to the cages, but you’re kind of around them, and trying to see what their deal is and everything.

Credence: Okay. So... I’ll do a perception check first to see how many guards there are, how many guards there are, how many are paying attention. That sort of thing.

Sophie: Groovy.

Credence: [DICE ROLL] Okay so I rolled a 17 plus 3 so I got a 20.

Sophie: Awesome. And that was a perception check, you said?

Credence: That is correct.

Sophie: Okay, yeah there are two guards around, and they’re not super close by the cages, they’re kind of walking away back up to the keep so you’re more or less alone, and if you wait just like a minute or so I’ll just be you and the two guards by the portcullis.

Credence: Okay. And those two are like kind of just shootin’ the shit, not paying a whole ton of attention? Alright so now I think she’s gonna try and like, while looking like she’s doing a patrol, try to kind of poke around and figure out, kind of, if there’s any cages that are a little looser, or if there are some people in these cages that would be able to like, offer a bigger fight, you know she’s gonna try to investigate and try to find the… She’s looking for a cage that, you know, if this person got out, it makes sense that they had the power to do that?

Sophie: Sure, sure.

Mara: How many cages are there?

Sophie: Uhh…

Credence: Oh yeah, that’s a good question! Thank you!

Sophie: [SIGHING] We will say that there are three cages, and depending on your investigation roll, I’ll tell you about how many people are in them.

Credence: Okay, I mean, I should know how many people are in them without doing an investigation check.

Sophie: I mean, you’re a half-orc, you can count…

Credence: [SNORTING] Hey! Excuse you! I have a +2 to intelligence! I’m not the dumbest orc in the raiding party, okay?

[CHORUS OF “WOW” AND AGREEMENT]

Sophie: Including men, women, enbies and children, there are about 40 people in the cages.

Joe: What are the cages made out of?

Sophie: Uh, sturdy-looking bent wood, and, y’know. We’re not gonna go with the whole bone aesthetic, but, y’know that’s the…

Mara: The idea.

Credence: I get it.

Sophie: The style of cage that it is.

Mara: Like really strong wicker. [CHUCKLING]

Sophie: Yeah, like really strong wicker.

Credence: Okay, um… Okay, um… And...how big is our raiding party?

Sophie: Ummm…~ Well, I think that, um, each unit is gonna have like… Each raiding party unit is gonna have, like, 3-5 orcs in it. Um… Like, and that’s your little group that goes out and wreaks havoc kind of like an adventuring party… But as far as how many units there are...it’s a keep full of orcs, so we’ll say there’s anywhere between 20 and 40 orcs in the keep. It’s a lot.

Credence: Okay, and like…

Sophie: Probably closer to 40 than 20.

Credence: Okay, and are there, like, some gone from… Are there, like… ‘Cause I feel like Lazza would’ve chosen a time when there’s less people. Like there’s another raid happening on another village or something.

Sophie: Sure! We’ll say there’s, ah, we’ll say there’s 40-45 orcs, something like that, and we’ll say 15 of them are gone on a raid, so… There’s only about 30 orcs in the keep now.

Credence: [SARCASTICALLY] “Only.” Awesome. Cool. [NORMALLY] Okay, so I’m gonna investigate the...both the structures of the cages as well as who’s in which cage and...see if I can figure out...a good, ah...person to kind of instigate. So I’m gonna roll investigation here… Which is intelligence, which...oof. [ROLLS DICE] I got a twelve!

Sophie: A twelve after your additions?

Credence: Yuuuup.~

Sophie: Okay. So that’ll tell you some pretty basic information, ah, there’s...three huts, like we said, like domes. One of them seems to be mainly — kinda only, really — children, and, y’know, small in stature. Which is the most you can tell about them. And the other two seem to be adults. There are… There’s actually… One has humans and dwarves and stuff in it, and they’re all huddled tightly against each other, and there’s one kind of creature that — you can’t really tell what it is, you’ve never seen anything quite like it, but it’s got, like, purple skin and it’s huddled against the edge, and it looks very badly injured. And then you see in the third one is elves, and there’s three or four elves in there. There’s a lot less in there, but they’re being kept separate.

Credence: Hmm… Okay.

Mara: I also feel like — I just wanted to add this really quick — Ellywick is using Mage Hand to, like, pat the children’s backs, like the ones that aren’t directly next to her, er, them.

Credence: Well, I don’t think I’m observant enough to recognize that you’re using magic.

Joe: Not with a twelve!

[LAUGHING]

Joe: Not for a barbarian!

Credence: No, so, ah… I’m gonna go up towards the horned purple fella and, uh… And Lazza just kind of approaches this side of the cage where they’re huddled up. And goes — oh, damn it. I’m getting nervous about breaking out my character voice — ahem.

Sophie: You’re so cute.

Lazza: Greetings, strange orc.

[SNORTING]

Joe: Hail and well-met.

Lazza: So, um… Yeah.

Mara: [TRYING NOT TO LAUGH]

Lazza: Uh… Look, I’m gonna be honest, I don’t really have a great plan right now, but, uh… I could use a distraction. And, uh… Are you good in a fight?

Defiance: I was born ready.

Joe: I’ll look at the people in the cage and look back at Lazza.

Credence: By the way, I’m trying to speak quietly enough so that only Defiance hears me.

Sophie: Okay.

Credence: So wait, so you just look at the people…?

Joe: Right, right, just kinda indicating that I’m talking about them, like…

Defiance: Is this to be some sort of a jailbreak, then?

Lazza: Uhh… I mean, like, y-yeah. But like, uhm… Ah, shit. Like I said, I don’t really have a plan here.

Defiance: Well if you need a distraction, I think there are a few different things I could do.

Lazza: Okay? Like…?

Defiance: Well, one — don’t be alarmed, but I’m going to use magic.

Lazza: Holy shit.

Mara: [LAUGHING]

Sophie: Yeah, Lazza’s, like, breathless.

Mara: [HEAVY BREATHING] Pearl-clutching!

Lazza: Wait! Hold on, hold on! You’re not… This is… Are you… You are a weird-looking orc, but like… Magic?

Defiance: By the grace of my gods, I have magic.

Lazza: Okay? Look, I don’t really want to be, like, bewitched or something right now. I’m trying to get out of here, I’m not really proud of how this whole situation ended up, and I hope you know that I’m trying to do things right here, so if you’re wanting to exact some kind of...bewitching revenge on me, look — I can go to somebody else.

Defiance: I have no interest in bewitching you, don’t worry. It is not my way, and it’s not the way of my gods. I just ask one thing.

Lazza: Uh-huh?

Defiance: That we can at least save as many of the children as possible.

Lazza: Oh man. I mean, I wasn’t exactly planning on… I was just wanting to get away. You could do whatever the hell you want with the kids, but… I wasn’t really thinking on having extra baggage… Ah, fuck it.

Defiance: I guarantee you, out of all the people here, I’m probably your best bet.

Lazza: Ah… Yeah, except that...if any other of ‘em can do magic…

Defiance: Can the orcs do magic?

Lazza: I haven’t really asked around. It’s, it’s kind of a taboo? You know? Uh…

Credence: Actually, that’s a really good question, like, Sophie? I don’t know, do I have any fucking people in here who can do magic?

Sophie: Absolutely not. No magic — in D&D, magic is pretty rare. As far as people who can do it and stuff. So I don’t think an orc raiding party would have a resident magician.

Mara: No one knowledgeable of the arcane arts.

Sophie: Yeah. Not exactly reading up on the Unearthed Arcana there.

[THEME MUSIC]

Sophie: Hello everyone! This is Sophie Lastnameredacted. I hope you are enjoying our program, Dungeons and Queers. This is the first episode of our campaign and the first episode of our arc, Alpine Escape. I think it’s going very well. And, yeah. I hope you’re enjoying it. I just have a few quick announcements here, so we’re gonna get through those pretty quick, if that’s okay.

The first is that we are looking for sponsors. If you wanna get an ad on the show for an Etsy shop or for a...a small business, or your podcast, or really anything else, you can just go ahead and contact us on the email or the Twitter that’s on our cover art. We would really love to hear from you.

The next thing is that we actually have a Patreon that I wanted to pitch to all of you and let you know about. There will be more information on our Twitter, and the link will be on our Twitter and on our — I believe on our cover art, lemme check quick… Yeah! You know, we’re offering some cool rewards for our Patrons. We’re gonna be using the money to basically compensate me for my time editing and for writing transcripts — hopefully we’ll eventually be able to start giving some folks some money for that — and we will also be using them to fund rewards and bonus content. Eventually, if we get a ton of Patrons, we might even start releasing episodes every week, or whatever, if we have a backlog. So it’s a pretty good deal.

Basically, the levels that we have right now are at the $1 level, you’re gonna get access to some cool bonus content (that you absolutely don’t need access to to enjoy the show), but specifically, what I think we’re gonna do is we’re gonna upload pictures of all of the cast members and just say, “Hey! Here’s what we look like and everything,” and maybe some brief bios, and that way you can get to know us a little bit better; for those of you who are stats junkies, y’know, “Oh, I really wanna see that character sheet” or whatever, we’re gonna be uploading up-to-date copies of our character sheets that...that way you can follow along or catch us accidentally breaking rules or whatever you’re...whatever gets you off, you can kind of pursue that. As we come up with it, there will probably be some more bonus content on there at the $1 level. That’s just 50¢ an episode that you’re supporting us for. I think these are worth at least 50¢ an episode — frankly, I think they’re worth more — and you’re helping support us and telling us that you care about this and you want us to make more, which I think is really cool.

The next level that we have is our $10/month, which I know is a big jump, but with the $10/month, you will get the episodes a week early on Patreon. It’s the same thing we do with PolyAM Radio, which is really helpful when you just absolutely need to know what happened next in the campaign, and you can be the first one at the office water cooler to know about it!

And then the next and highest level is $15/month. That is really our pique interest; you get access to all the previous content, of course, just like you would at all the lower levels — you get access to stat sheets, you get access to pictures and bios and you get access to early episodes — but you also are a part of what I’m… I kind of don’t have a great word for it now, but our, like, “Reward Club,” basically. And basically it is for supporting us at our highest level, you get physical rewards. We send you gifts. Probably about once or twice a year, you will receive a gift that is, basically, merch for the show! We’re looking at sending out our first show merch around Pride Month, which is like June or July or something like that, I was told. But it’s basically — you know, we’re thinking things like a mug with the show cover art on it, or a set of custom Pride flag-colored polyhedral dice, or a custom dice tower built for the show. You know, we’re gonna be supporting Etsy shops and stuff like that to the best of our ability, but basically, these gifts will probably be anywhere between $20-30 in monetary value, and for — and then we’ll have to pay for shipping, too — but basically, you get this level of Patreon before the time that we send these out, and then we contact you and we get your address, and we send you a cool mystery gift! And that money is really gonna help us make the show a lot better and it’s gonna help me be able to turn out episodes quicker and with higher quality and just really… It’s going to really, really incentivize us to make this even better, because I don’t know if y’all know, but writing a campaign is just a ton of work, and [CHUCKLING] and recording a podcast is a ton of work, and editing audio is a ton of work, and transcribing audio is a ton of work, and I do literally all of that. So, um, the more support you give us, the more time I’ll be able to allot each week to this, which means the better it will be and the less rushed it will be.

And the last thing I want to talk about quick before we get back to the campaign — I mentioned transcribing audio. This is a d/Deaf-accessible podcast and we want to keep it that way. I can’t keep up with the audio, though. I just can’t. There’s too much, and transcribing isn’t my strong suit. So what we’re doing right now is we have a group of volunteers who are going to help us transcribe audio. The deal is that you get early episode release with that, because as soon as I have the audio done, I will release it to you in a Google Doc, in a Google Drive folder, and you will be able to listen to it with the understanding that you are working on the transcript and that you are contributing. And if you’re not contributing to the transcript after a couple of times, I’m gonna take you off the list. So, basically, you know, this is a tradeoff — you get the early episode, you get to know, y’know, what happens, you get it two or three weeks early, potentially, and you can be really up-to-date on it and you can potentially even get a few episodes to listen to at a time; but you are helping us make this podcast accessible for folks who communicate differently than us, than those of us hearies. So, y’know, it’s a tradeoff, and I’m trusting you all not to abuse it. And if people do, then I’ll have to find a new avenue. I’m hoping that you all just decide to care about d/Deaf and hard of hearing people being able to utilize this podcast. I, frankly, I myself even use transcripts and stuff like that when I’m listening to audio dramas, because I listen to a lot of sci-fi audio dramas, and sometimes the sound comes through really garbled, ‘cause people will be talking through a walkie-talkie or something, ostensibly, they’ll be talking through a walkie-talkie and it’ll be like, [MUFFLED AS IF THROUGH HANDHELD RADIO] “This is breaker six, come in, come in,” and it’s like, “What the hell did he just say? I have no idea,” so… The transcripts are really valuable, because maybe our audio gets garbled and you wanna look up what we said. They’re useful for everyone.

Ah, that’s all I’ve got for today. The next episode will be dropping two weeks from now! Well, assuming you’re listening to this on the first day. But, yeah! That will be cool! Thanks for listening and I will catch ya later! Bye!

[THEME MUSIC]

Joe: What are the locks and stuff like here?

Sophie: Um...you wanna make up an investigation check?

Joe: Sure… [ROLLS DICE] Ah, 11.

Sophie: Okay, yeah, that’s good enough. I was basically testing if you could find your ass with both hands or not.

[SNICKERING]

Sophie: Basically, there’s no door on these wicker things. Every time they… They’re kind of half-constructed and destructed every time someone needs to be brought out. Individual people aren’t usually brought out of here, it’s normally an entire group goes in, an entire group goes out. So if you want to start hacking it apart using magic or weapons or something like that, then that’s a thing of its own. But if you wanna start… How do you wanna say, um… [CLICKING TONGUE RHYTHMICALLY IN THOUGHT] You know, if you’re looking for a door, there isn’t exactly one. I should also mention — I forgot to mention this in our Episode 0, but all the players, or all the characters, rather, are starting at level two. Just for you all that’re into numbers and counting stats and what’s going on tabletop-wise, everyone’s at level two.

Credence: Ahm… I think Lazza is gonna… I think she’s gonna be like…

Lazza: Well look. If you can do magic, that’s awesome. Like, that is… The bigger and the more...uh, you know...attention-grabbing, the better. I’ll, ah… Fuck. I’ll chop out the kids while you make a ruckus, okay? And, y’know, I guess… They don’t seem to like ya very much, but if you can get those people to help ya out, y’know, the more people distracted, the better. And I’ll grab the kids. We can just leave the elves, fuck them. Don’t trust those bastards. But yeah, I’ll…

[LAUGHTER]

Defiance: Alright.

Lazza: I’ll take the kids and head towards… You see that small trail through the pines there?

Joe: Can I see it if...if…?

Sophie: Yeah, yeah.

Lazza: Okay, so that’s not our main pass, it’s a little more dense. Little harder to move in through with big groups. But it gives us more cover. So I’ll bring the kids in through there, and then… Just try to keep up.

Defiance: Aye. Will do. Good luck. Gods be with you.

Sophie: So are you, like, hacking open the cage?

Credence: I think what I was trying, well… What I was trying to do was, like, mm… How about this…

Lazza: Okay, so first, what I’ll do here is I’m gonna make a little hole, okay? I’ll try to make a hole big enough for you to get out. And then you just...I don’t know! Start something on fire! Or, or… Something! I don’t know! I don’t fucking know anything about magic, and quite frankly, I’m a little bit afraid to let you out of here, but…

Defiance: For what it’s worth, being a “strange orc” and all, you have my word that I won’t harm you. I’ll probably start some fires.

Lazza: Yeah, that’s what I was hoping for. Um, so that’s good.

Defiance: If the ground shakes a bit… Don’t panic.

Lazza: Okay, I’m…! I’m definitely gonna panic! But that’s okay.

[LAUGHTER]

Lazza: Okay, so just… I’m gonna just quietly cut you out here, and once you get out, just...start...the cage on fire, or something, and while that’s going on, I’m gonna try to sneak over and get the kids out, okay?

Defiance: Aye.

Credence: So I’m gonna… What I figure is I’ll roll stealth right now to try to be sneaky as I start chopping at this thing?

Sophie: Yeah, I’m gonna say you’ll roll stealth for every cage you take apart.

Credence: Okay. And I’m just trying to make a little exit for Defiance to get through.

Sophie: Sure, sure.

Lazza: Okay. Alright. Oh! And, uh… Hey, if we live through this, I’m Lazza.

Defiance: It is a pleasure to meet you, Lazza. I’m Defiance.

Lazza: Nice.

[SNICKERING]

Lazza: That’s a sweet-ass name, I love it. Okay! Yeah! Please don’t die.

Defiance: I’ll do my best. Doing alright so far.

Credence: Okay, so I’m gonna roll stealth and then an attack roll on the cage?

Sophie: Yep!

Credence: [ROLLS DICE] Oh! Well, my stealth there was a total of nine…

Mara: Shit.

Sophie: Okay, well, I think you make a fair amount of noise trying to take this thing apart, and it doesn’t come together cleanly, there’s the sound of some wicker cracking.

Credence: But wait, shouldn’t I roll to see how “apart” I make it? Like…

Sophie: I think if you’re going for just making a little entrance, like, you’ve got a big fuckin’ axe, you just do that. You know what I mean?

Credence: Okay.

Sophie: You know, it’s wood. It doesn’t really have a huge AC.

Credence: Okay, so...have I attracted anybody’s attention?

Sophie: Do you wanna make an investigation roll?

Credence: Oh, come on! I feel like that doesn’t even need a roll! I think that would at least be perception, not investigation.

Sophie: Sure! Sure, perception, then.

Credence: Okay, but I also think that I shouldn’t have to roll for this, but whatever. [ROLLS DICE] Uh… Twelve — er, no, fuck. Nine.

Sophie: Yeah, you can’t immediately tell, like there’s no one running over, but you can’t really tell if anybody heard that or not.

Credence: Alright.

Sophie: So on the one hand, no news is good news, but, you know.

Credence: Alright, well… I guess I’m gonna go kinda sneak over to the, um, to the cage full of the kids.

Sophie: Okay. Um… Quick sidebar. I’m assuming Defiance gets out of the cage, Joe?

Joe: Ah… Yeah. I’m actually gonna try a quick persuasion of the people who are actually in the cage with me, ‘cause I’m sure that they’ve noticed what’s going on.

Sophie: Yeah, sure.

Joe: And be like…

Defiance: Listen. I need you all to cooperate with me, please. I’m going to try and save you and your children. So, if it’s at all possible, get out of here after me as quietly as possible. I’m going to set it on fire.

Sophie: Okay. Make a persuasion roll. I think with advantage, because you’re offering people a hope of escape, and that’s something they’d be naturally inclined to take you up on.

Joe: Even after they beat the shit outta me?

Sophie: Yeah. Probably. I mean, they’d probably feel bad about it, but at the very least they’d probably still be scared of you, but I think, you know…

Joe: {ROLLS DICE] Ooh… 22.

[INDECIPHERABLE CROSSTALK]

Sophie: That’s probably good, but you can roll again.

Joe: [ROLLS DICE] Keepin’ that 22.

[LAUGHTER]

Sophie: For those of you that are new to D&D 5e, advantage is a mechanic whereby you roll twice and take the better of the scores. Yeah, with a 22, they, like, it looks kinda like they’re seeing you for the first time as, like, a sentient person and not just, like, a literal beast.

[CROSSTALK]

Mara: A “strange orc.” [LAUGHTER]

Sophie: Yeah! A “strange orc.”

Joe: I’m keeping that.

Mara: You’ve got your tusks in the wrong spot, there, friend. [LAUGHTER]

Sophie: I had braces as a kid. You really should’ve…

Joe: I’m like a narwhal.

Sophie: Gonna leave a gap for me to edit in the “Narwhal Song” here.

Mara: NO.

Credence: God… No. Murder me.

Sophie: That’s okay. I think mentioning it is as good as editing it in, if not better. Let’s say it’s a deep cut for any teenagers listening, I guess.

Credence: Just stop, just… Give us the story.

Sophie: Hey, you’re the one that wanted to play D&D with me, alright? But, anyways! Okay! So yeah, I think these villagers are — not only are they willing to listen to that command, but because you rolled that well, these villagers, in the future, will take your direction. Like, you can tell them what to do. You can actually hear them kinda whispering and, like, some of them are like, “I don’t wanna, I don’t wanna,” and some of them are like, “Hero, hero! We need to listen!” And the yeas definitely outweigh the nays. And they all look at you full of hope. So what do you have them do? I will remind you that Lazza is, while this is happening — and we’ll get back to that in a second, but — Lazza is working on the children’s tent, as it were.

Mara: The kids’ table.

Joe: The kids’ table indeed.

Sophie: And… Then there’s the elves over there. How do you interact with this situation?

Joe: Well, um… I’m going to emerge from the cage first and try and direct the people inside to follow me. Is there anything across the courtyard that I can see?

Sophie: What are you looking for in particular? I’ll tell you if it’s there.

Joe: Okay, so, my thought is if there’s something that is, that would maybe sorta shake apart to a certain extent, I’m gonna pass Thaumaturgy to create tremors for about one minute. They’re harmless, but they make the ground shake.

Sophie: What’s your goal with that?

Joe: I want to distract the orcs to go and investigate what that is.

Sophie: So you’re creating tremors a ways away?

Joe: Yeah, somewhere else. And once I can get the people out, um, I’m going to…

Sophie: What’s the range for Thaumaturgy?

Joe: Ah, it’s only 30 feet.

Sophie: Yeah, so I don’t think… Like, you can create tremors, but they might come over here to investigate. Tremors are pretty...how do you wanna say, omnidirectional? So they’re probably not gonna pinpoint it and immediately run over to you, but they’re probably gonna work their way over here eventually. So, you can do that. I’m just letting you know in advance, ‘cause like, as you know, Defiance has used the spell before and knows how it works and what will happen.

Joe: Sure.

Credence: What we need is the orcs to be distracted so that Lazza and the other… Like, Lazza can open the other cage, maybe get the elves, who cares. But, um…

Joe: Well I can certainly try to sneak over somewhere and then start the tremors.

Credence: Well, we need kind of ranged magic.

Joe: I do… I have Guiding Bolt. That’s 120 feet. I could try and shoot somebody with it.

[LAUGHTER]

Sophie: Doesn’t Guiding Bolt light up the area it hits anyway?

Joe: Yeah it does.

Sophie: Okay.

Joe: I-it faintly lights up, well, let’s see. “A flash of light streaks toward a creature of your choice within range. Make a ranged spell attack against the target. On a hit, the target takes 4d6 radiant damage, and the next attack roll made against this target before the end of your next turn has advantage, thanks to the mystical dim light glittering on the target until then.”

Sophie: Okay.

Credence: I mean… I was thinking something more like...either you’re gonna draw their attention to you or be distracted by, like, you setting something a distance away on fire and they have to deal with that immediately and not immediately trace it back to you.

Joe: Right. Which I can do if I sneak away—

Sophie: I do wanna say, this is — I understand that that’s what Lazza was expecting, but this is a choice that, like…

Credence: Yeah, that’s fair.

Sophie: This is a choice that Defiance gets to make, and like, I will say, especially with that little monologue that Lazza just gave us about the orcs being afraid of magic, I don’t necessarily think that a situation where you’re making shit glow — like, if you hit an orc and make it glow, I think that that is something that will cause a great deal of distraction, probably, because they’ll be freaking out and probably think that it’s possessed, maybe even attack it or something. There’s all sorts of things that could happen there, and so, I think you’ve got lots of options, I guess is what I’m trying to say.

Joe: Right… I think for now, actually… No, you made a pretty good point with the Thaumaturgy thing. I’m gonna sneak away from the group just a little bit, I’ll direct them to help free the elves and the children, the people that are in my cage, and I’m gonna try and see if I can’t sneak away just a little bit, because I want to draw the orcs’ attention away from the cages, and then… See if I can’t hit somebody with Guiding Bolt.

Sophie: Okay!

Joe: ‘Cause at the very least, even if I miss, they’re gonna see that streak of light and be like, “What the fuck?”

Sophie: Yeah, sure, sure. I think that makes sense. Um… Okay.

Joe: Should I make a stealth roll?

Sophie: Yeah, yeah, make a stealth roll first and then if that’s successful we’ll talk about your range of attack that you’ll make.

Joe: [ROLLS DICE] Mmkay. 18.

Sophie: I think that’s more than good enough. Okay, you are… We’ll just say you’re at wherever it is you wanted to be now. Within reason.

[INDECIPHERABLE CROSSTALK]

Joe: So I figure, I kind of went in the opposite direction of where that hidden...path is.

Sophie: Sure, sure.

Joe: And then I’ll… Are there orcs kind of...any on battlements?

Sophie: We’ll say that there’s an orc on the battlement that might guard… This is their stronghold, so they’re not really used to people, like, making attacks. Certainly not in the middle of the night.

Joe: Sure. And if I attacked that guy would there be a bunch of other orcs that would see it?

Sophie: Uhhhhh… If you wanna make a perception roll, I might be able to tell you that. Or an investigation roll, rather.

Joe: [ROLLS DICE] 21.

Sophie: Uh… We will say yes, that there’s some orcs that would see it out there.

Joe: Alright. So I’ll, ah… I’ll cast that Guiding Bolt then. [ROLLS DICE] Oh… Does a 13 hit?

Sophie: Actually, yes it does.

Joe: OH!

Sophie: Tie goes to the runner orc’s have an AC of 13.

Joe: Heck yes.

Credence: [WORDLESSLY SINGING A VICTORIOUS-SOUNDING SONG]

Joe: [ROLLS DICE] That’s nine and… [ROLLS DICE] Nine. So that’s 18 damage.

Credence: Fuck yeah.

Sophie: WOW.

Joe: That’s 46 radiant damage.

Sophie: Not only do you… Wait, how much?

Joe: 46 radiant damage.

Sophie: No, how much was it again?

Joe: Oh, sorry! 18.

Sophie: Yeah, not only do you hit this orc, but you fuckin’, like, this thing gets hit right in the head with this glowing, like, bolt, and its head snaps back and it falls backwards, not off the battlement, but backwards onto the battlement. And you see this radiant glow and you hear shouting and hollering and war cries being let up, and a small — about 30 seconds later, there’s a large bell that’s being tolled and torches start being lit, and you hear people shouting and weapons jangling and… Basically they’re preparing for a siege, they think they’re under attack.

Joe: Oof! Ohhh… Tyr preserved me.

Sophie: What do you do?

Joe: What do I do? Um… Would it be possible for where I am now to then cast Thaumaturgy and then try to sneak back elsewhere?

Sophie: I think so, yeah.

Credence: Sorry, I’m just — as far as order of events, should I try to get the kids out before Defiance does another spell? Like…

Sophie: Yeah! We’re basically… Think of, like, a movie. We’re basically...we’re doing this and then we’re gonna go back like 5 minutes, I just… I need to know how this pans out first, because things from your perspective are gonna flow seamlessly, and I need to know what happens and what you see. Does that make sense?

Credence: Riiight. Okay.

Sophie: Yeah, no. But absolutely, you’ve… By now, in the fiction, by now, whatever will happen has already happened.

Credence: Yeah, I get you, I get you. I just…

Sophie: Okay, yeah, so Thaumaturgy, I think you just do that, right? I don’t think there’s a roll.

Joe: Yeah, it’s...you can’t trip.

Mara: You can’t trip, aahh!

Sophie: Okay, there’s this huge rumbling noise as the very earth starts to shake, and you hear more shouts and clanging. It sounds like someone dropped something really big inside, maybe they were carrying a bunch of weapons, and there’s a squeal like a pig being stuck. Again, the tremors are harmless, but it really sounds like you scared the piss outta these orcs. And you actually notice there’s a second gate that is being drawn shut on the portcullis. There’s a second gate that’s being lowered from the inside. And actually, there’s an orc outside, who’s trapped outside, who’s banging their fist on it trying to get them to open it, and they’re just like, “Uh-uh, uh-uh!”

Joe: “Don’t you do this to me, don’t you do this to me!”

Sophie: Exactly.

Mara: Shiiiiieeet.

Sophie: I take it now you’re sneaking back?

Joe: Yeah. [ROLLS DICE] Oh, thank God. Uh...19.

Sophie: Yeah, that’s more than good enough. I will say they’re starting to, their eyes are, like, probing the darkness, they’re trying to figure out — they’re looking for a big fuckin’ army, and they definitely don’t see you.

[THEME MUSIC]

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daqtranscripts · 7 years ago

Text

DAQ Ep. 0 Transcription

Ep. 0 Transcript: Setup and Table Talk.

Begin:

Opening theme:

This show is part of the trans podcaster visibility initiative.

[THEME MUSIC — WRITTEN FOR THE SHOW BY SOPHIE]

Sophie: Hello everybody and welcome to Dungeons and Queers, where the stats are made up and the rolls don’t matter. The gender rolls!

[LAUGHTER]

Credence: Ooohhh boy.

Mara: Christ, alrighty.

Sophie: That’s the kind of show this is gonna be.

Credence: Oh God, what have I done.

Joe: I'm already stoked, bring out the puns.

Sophie: Welcome everyone. To Episode... I was gonna call this the first episode but it’s kind of Episode 0, as it will be indicated. Because our story isn’t actually starting in this episode. This is gonna be a lot of table talk about our characters and a little bit about the setting, but we’re not gonna get too much into that until the first episode because we're kinda just playing in the standard classic D&D world. There's no big “Oohh well there’s airships and there’s zeppelins!” There’s not as much to cover about the setting. But I wanted to get into some stuff about kind of who our characters were and that way we're not sitting there running around going, “Wait a second, who’s that person whose name starts with ‘L’? Which player is that?” You know, junk like that. So I think we’re gonna go around and introduce ourselves and introduce our characters. I’ll go first. Because, uh... That’s my sentence I guess, it’s my privilege.

Mara: I was gonna say, if you’re not going first, we’re fucked.

Sophie: Yeah. Yeah. My name is Sophie. Sophie Lastnameredacted. I am the person who is going to be running the Twitter and doing the editing for this. And doing some transcripts for d/Deaf and hard of hearing people. And doing a bunch of other post-production work for this. I write music for the show. It’s kind of my baby. I also do the PolyAM Radio podcast where we talk about polyamory and unconventional relationship styles and advice for them. A young queer/trans approach to polyamory is kinda what we take and we’re pretty good we have been doing that for a few months now and we thought we would start a D&D let’s play/real play, whatever you call it, podcast. You know kind of like PolyAM Radio we wanted it to be explicitly queer and explicitly trans because there’s a million D&D podcasts out there, but whenever I start a new D&D podcast I always have to worry about “Oh is there going to be some transphobic joke? Is there going to be good representation? Probably not.” You know so I figured by doing it this way and being like, “Yo we’re queer as fuck—”

Mara: Right from the get go!

Sophie: Yeah, right from the get go, not only would we attract a very specific audience, but would also maybe set some people at ease and uh just be kinda upfront about where our experiences lie. Everyone on this podcast is trans and we’ll get into that. I think I already said it but my pronouns are she/her/hers, again my name is Sophie Lastnameredacted, if you want to get in contact with me you can send a Tweet or an email to the PolyAM Radio Twitter, which is on the cover art for that podcast, or the Dungeons and Queers Twitter @DAQcast, and I also just wanna mention if you want to get an NPC named after you on the show, Tweet about the show using the #dungeonsandqueers, just spell it out all like that, and you might get a character, an NPC, named after you. And I’m looking for NPCs… I have NPCs in my head that I want to name so help us out with that because we don’t have the money to pay for advertising and I think this is a fun way of doing it. So yeah, I don’t have a specific character to talk about since I’m going to be playing a million NPCs and I’ve crafted the world we’re going to be playing in here, but I’m very excited about it, and for the purposes of this game, I am God.

[LAUGHTER]

Mara: “My name is Sophie and I’ll be playing the role of god.” [CHUCKLING]

Sophie: Yeah.

Joe: Finally!

Mara: “I am the LORD, your God,”

Sophie: [AS GRIFFIN MCELROY] “My wife!”

Credence: “No one may roll the dice but through me!”

Sophe: Probably someone is going to listen to that and think it’s a Borat joke, but in fact, it was a My Brother, My Brother and Me joke… It just becomes self-referencial for them

Mara: Like the Chilean miners. [LAUGHING]

Sophie: Yeah, I’m gonna edit all this out…

[LAUGHING]

Credence: Okay but my joke was really good! I wasn’t stealing that one, I’ll have you know.

[LAUGHING]

Sophie: So! Let’s move on, who wants to go next?

Joe: Okay me! I’m Joe Alias, I will be playing the character of Defiance. My pronouns are they/them/theirs, Defiance’s pronouns are they/she. Defiance is a cleric, a Tiefling cleric, which...that goes together well.

[MUFFLED CHUCKLING]

Sophie: Well, and talk about the prestige class you’re planning on going for when you get there!

Joe: Well I’m gonna be a war cleric, so...I guess I’m not sure what else to say about that.

Credence: How much— Er, Sophie, how much do you want us to talk about our backstory, kind of personality of our characters, like, to you want us to get into that right now or would you like us to wait until we start playing because I agree with Joe, I’m not sure how much you want us to say…

Sophie: I think we can leave most of the backstory, talk about maybe alignment not that we’re going to be adhering to it super-strictly, I think that all characters can be pushed to do certain things under certain circumstances. For those of you who read the Star Wars expanded universe books there’s literally a book in which Darth Vader stops Emperor Palpatine from killing a bunch of Twi’lek orphans and shit like that, and so like even your classic Lawful Evil character or something like that can do all sorts of actions. But I think it’s important for people to know at least, or maybe not important but it’s trivia they expect to hear and I don’t want to disappoint in that way. So talk about alignment and then talk a little bit about their personality and maybe just like very trivial things about their backstory because I didn’t want you all to know anything about each other’s characters while you were making your own but I think it’s kind of time to shed light on some of that. But if there’s any big things you want to keep as twists for the character, especially if you’ve already told me and we’ve talked about it, then you can omit that information here, stuff that’s plot interesting, but things that are just like “Oh, that’s just about my character” and stuff like that I think would be cool to have the audience hear and to have you all hear.

Credence: So, should we note here, like, you wanted us to meet our characters for the first time this isn’t one of those setups where we’ve done a bunch of odd jobs together and stuff, so…?

Sophie: Yeah this isn’t a pre-existing team, these characters don’t know each other yet and they’ll meet pretty much right away during the first episode.

Credence: Right, so we’re not showing our whole hand as far as who our characters are in part because it’s going to be narratively interesting for us to get to know each other’s characters and background and all that.

Sophie: Yeah, yeah exactly. Okay! So why don’t you tell us a little more about Defiance?

Joe: So you said I should start kinda with what they look like?

Sophie: Yeah, talk about what they look like, talk about their alignment, talk about a little bit about their backstory, you know in this case your character has a reason behind their name maybe you wanna talk about why their name is ‘Defiance’?

Joe: Sure sure, okay so like I said Defiance is a Tiefling cleric and they’re Chaotic Good, which I thought that was maybe a fun and challenging thing to play, considering the fact that they follow the Triad, which, for those of you that maybe don’t know, is the union or alliance of gods Tyr, Torm, and Ilmater who, two out of three of them are Lawful Good war deities, so that’s always fun. But part of the reason why Defiance follows those three gods is just because they actually grew up in a diabolic cult to Zariel, who is one of the archdukes of hell.

Credence: As you do.~

Joe: Yeah, you know. And so they kinda grew up in this very Spartan-esque sort of culture. When Defiance was a teenager, they had done very well in their training so far and was kinda given their own small group of, basically, stolen children to mold into their own small little war band and Defiance kind of realized the hell that they were put through as a young child, they were about to be expected to do that to these children and Defiance refused. It just seemed wrong. So they kinda got thrown in the brig for that. And at about the same time kinda as a rescue mission sorta thing a small army from outlying villages led by a priest of Tyr came and kinda ransacked the place so Defiance decided...well, was very impressed by this, and decided to join him and learn from him ‘cause everything they kinda grew up to believe just didn’t jive, so Defiance decided that that act of disobedience, that act of doing what they felt was right despite everything they had been taught growing up, was kinda their defining life moment and chose the name Defiance instead of the one that they were given and went and learned about the gods and selflessness and service, that sort of thing...while utilizing the fighting, the soldiery, that they learned before, but adapted it to actually help people...so yeah.

Mara: Shit yeah, they sound pretty cool!

Joe: Yeah!

Sophie: Yeah that’s a baller character.

Joe: Oh thanks!

Sophie: I know that despite the fact that you picked a cleric you had some reservations about playing a cleric just because of past experiences you had with asshole DMs being like, “Well that’s not how you play a cleric!”

Joe: Oh hell, I could go on and on and on about that. This is actually… So the second character I ever played in my whole D&D career was a cleric, but I didn’t play it to that DM’s specifications and that person, and they actually told me, my partner by the way, who was the DM, told me, “Never play a cleric again.” So about 13 years later here I am, trying out a cleric again.

Credence: And you’ve literally named them Defiance! So…!

[LAUGHTER]

Joe: Oh I didn’t even think about it that way!

Mara: How’s that for symbolism?

Joe: So I’m excited.

Sophie: Right, so I just I thought it was really interesting ‘cause when you came to me and said, “I think I’m going to play a war cleric,” the character that I envisioned in that moment was very different from the one that you just pitched, and I like yours way better. Because I was thinking, as I think I told you the other day, “Oh, like an army priest,” like a fire-and-brimstone kind of…

Joe: Right.

Sophie: It’s just very much not what that character is, and frankly, I think you’ve come up with something a lot more interesting.

Joe: Well see I hope I can give the character concept some justice at the very least just ‘cause I decided I wanted to play a cleric and it had been a long time since I had played a cleric and sometimes it’s difficult, the idea, well, for me, getting the idea of being good and...war, I suppose…and trying to figure out how those two could possibly work.

Sophie: Well and I think that’s a character, pardon me, I think that’s a conundrum not just for you, the player, but probably for Defiance, the character. That’s going to be, I mean I think most good D&D characters have some sort of question that they’re trying to answer about themselves as they get played. I think that that’s an excellent question and I don’t necessarily know that it’ll get answered. I think that probably Defiance will come up with an answer but probably not a definitive one that everyone will be happy with and I think that that’s just the nature of the question.

Mara: That’s how it go!

Sophie: Yeah, people don’t think it be like that—

Sophie and Mara: —But it do!

Joe: But it do.

Sophie: Okay! Is there anything else you wanted to say about Defiance or should we move on?

Joe: Uh just as a brief description — Defiance is kinda of average human height, purple skin kind of, like, indigo hair, red eyes, all that fun stuff.

Sophie: Horns and tail or no?

Joe: Yeah horns and tail, the horns are kinda like cool ram horns.

Credence: Nice.

Joe: All the better to headbutt people with!

[ASSORTED LAUGHTER]

Sophie: I could die happy feeling like I actually achieved something in my life if, at some point, we get some fanart made.

[EVERYONE AGREEING/CROSSTALK]

Credence: Don’t jump the gun!

Sophie: No no, I know, I’m just saying if someday some fan artist comes to us and says like, “I made this!” I’m going to have a literal aneurysm over it! I’m not going to be able to handle it because it’ll be like, “This is too wonderful!”

Mara: Affirmation!

Sophie: Yeah yeah!

Credence: Which, for me, I guess I would also wanna say that I encourage folks to...yeah I might imagine my character looking like this, but like, go at it! Half the fun of this audio medium is you can decide what these characters look like yourself. I mean like, obviously, Joe, you’re going to play Defiance in a way where this is how you imagine what they look like, but I always think it’s really cool that in this kind of medium, you, as a listener, get to decide what you envision these characters to look like.

Sophie: Yeah absolutely. And I’ll be very upfront this: there are going to be, in this world, some Easter eggs. Probably not things that I’ll put right out there, things that, if you get lucky and ask the right question, you’ll find out that are nods to TAZ, The Adventure Zone, which is, in my opinion, probably the greatest tabletop roleplaying podcast out there, it’s the one that got me into not only podcasts, but tabletop roleplaying games, and I think their attitude toward their characters is excellent, which is basically that “We came up with these characters, we don’t own these characters. They belong as much to the fans as anything.” So you know, we’re a bunch of white folks and Joe, you see Defiance as purple but if you hear to this podcast and say, “Well, I think Defiance is Latinx,” you’re not wrong, that’s not… We’re not gonna be like, “But the character looks this way!” I think it’s awesome that you’re taking this character and giving it a life of its own beyond our, you know, shitty podcast.

Joe: Yeah hell yeah, like I just give my description of how I see Defiance in my head. Like if you, person listening to this, have a different idea of what they look like, like, please, please do, go wild!

Credence: Yeah like honestly, if we get fans, I will throw all of my character at you and be like, “It’s yours! Have her! Please make her beautiful!”

[ALL AGREEING]

Joe: Ram horns though.

[ALL LAUGHING AND AGREEING]

Sophie: It’s like Magnus’ sideburns, there are some things that are just inalienable.

Credence: Some integral features.

Sophie: Yeah, so who wants to go next?

Mara: I will go next! Hello hello, dear listeners, this is Mara Fakelastname, I use they/them/their pronouns, you probably know me from PolyAM Radio, you might not, but if you want to go check that out, I’m a frequent co-host and I think it’s pretty great. I am going to be playing a gnome bard and this is only my second D&D campaign ever. I got into D&D not entirely through my own choice! I was listening to The Adventure Zone with Sophie and I was like, “Oh, I don’t think it’s for me, I’m not really good at roleplaying stuff,” etc., etc., and I was at a local hobby store with her and she was looking at dice and I saw a set of dice that were pink and black and I was like, “Oh fuck yeah, I wish I was playing because, like, pink and black dice!” and Sophie was like, “Well, if I buy you the dice will you play?” and that’s how I started playing D&D.

[ASSORTED LAUGHTER]

Sophie: You made it sound like I coerced you into it!

Mara: Yeah, right?

Sophie: My exact words were, “Well, I’ll buy you the dice if you want them, but if you’re gonna have dice, you gotta play the game.”

Mara: Yeah so it was [LAUGHING] so it just wasn’t entirely my own idea.

Credence: In true rogue or bard fashion, you were seduced by pretty things.

Mara: Yup! Yeah, and I think that’s like, 98% of the characters I’ve played so far…! Um, so, in this campaign, I am playing a gnome bard, whose full name is Ellywick Faelover Wandfidget the Ambiguous, um, but we’re probably, for ease of mouth, just gonna call them Ellywick. They use they/them pronouns. And—

Joe: If you don’t use that big, beautiful name at least a couple times, I’m gonna be a little disappointed.

Mara: Oh, God, yeah! It’s definitely gonna be like...name drop. Because… For people who are very into the lore, gnomes are very into names, and so to get a little into their background but not too far, ‘the Ambiguous,’ they’re a very androgynous character. Feel free to imagine them however you want, because I kind of suck at imagining characters. But the ‘Faelover’ part, they spent a lot of time with the fae. And, uh, it was funny, because when I was talking to Sophie about this name choice initially, she was like, “Oh, well that’s really interesting that they chose to call themself ‘Faelover,’ because, like, all gnomes love the fae, so they must really love the fae,” and I was like, “Oh, yeah!” And then it kind of hit me, I was like, “Oh, we could make them a bit of a ~dirty boi,~ like, go with Faelover, like, hohoho, they fucked some fae in their time.~” So that’s where that comes from.

[SNICKERING]

Joe: Like you do!

Mara: Ellywick is a very, like, will-try-to-seduce-anything-that-moves type of character. So that’s gonna be interesting and funny. They’re overall just very hedonistic and capricious, I think their whole kind of desire for travel is like, they wanna bring creativity into the world, and they wanna see what other people are out there doing, you know. They’re very...whimsical, I guess would be how I would put that. [clicks tongue] Oh… What else to say about Ellywick…

Sophie: Could do ideal/bond/flaw? I’d have to go back and make Joe say Defiance’s, but...

Mara: Well, I don’t wanna talk about their bond, because that gets into the story.

Sophie: Okay!

Mara: Um…

Credence: What about their alignment?

Mara: Oh yes! Yeah! They’re… They are Chaotic Neutral, because I think that just kind of is what fits them personally best. They’re just kinda...seein’ what’s out there and doin’ what they do. Doin’ who they do. [LAUGHING]

[SNICKERING]

Sophie: Like they do!

Mara: Like they do! Um… But…

Sophie: Every DM… Everyone who’s ever DMed out there just, like, took a moment of silence for me because there’s not only a Chaotic Neutral in the party but there’s a fucking bard, which...both of those are just game-breakers.

Mara: Well, I just…! I can’t help it! I don’t like a lot of the archetypal characters. That’s just not my particular cup of tea? But, so, I’m gonna have fun playing my bard. Their ideal… I kind of already said it, but they want to release more creativity and bold action into the world. And their flaw: they are a sucker for a pretty face. Like, I think anybody could make googly eyes at them and they would be like, “OOOKAAAAYY~!” So that’s...that’s kind of Ellywick’s flaw.

Sophie: I think we can talk about bond, I just need to say one thing about the setting quick. Basically, how this story is gonna be starting is that, um… Some of the main characters — some of the player characters are going to have been captured in an orc raid and are at an orc, like, prison camp type thing. And that’s where their story finds them. Um… So, do you wanna talk about your bond?

Mara: Yeah! Um, so, as a bard, Ellywick plays a lot of instruments. They’re an instrumentalist and a singer, and they were only able to conceal their pan flute on them, but they also play the lute as well, which was given to them by the fairy queen Titania as kind of a “wow, you fuck good” kind of a gift...

Joe: NICE!

Mara: [LAUGHING] So this lute was stolen from them, and obviously this lute means a lot to them, so… Their whole bond is “I’m gonna get that fuckin’ lute back if it’s the last thing I do!” And I think I just, you know...dropped us into the “explicit” tag area… [CHUCKLING] Sorry!

Sophie: Oh, we were gonna be there anyways. And I think I wanna emphasize for all of you, that’s not something that needs to or even is going to be possible to have happen in this arc. The first arc is titled ‘Alpine Escape.’ And y’all will have to make a quick exit or things will get bad very quickly. And you can choose to hang around, but I’ll be honest, it’s going to get bad very quickly if you do. So, you know, your bonds and stuff like that are things I’m using to drive the story forward for later arcs and stuff like that. So for what that’s worth… Uh, uh… I’m sitting here, like… Defiance, no. That’s not right. Joe, tell me about Defiance’s, um… Like, ideal/bond/flaw.

Joe: Um… Well, I-I did take the acolyte background just ‘cause I, uh… It seemed like it kinda, more or less, fit the best. Well, their ideal is charity — “I always try to help those in need, no matter what the personal cost,” um… Their bond is, um, “Everything I do is for the common people,” which, I actually had a really hard time choosing between that one and, um, there was one other one that says something like, “I owe my life to somebody who saved me after my parents died or something like that,” which is sort of true, but not quite. And flaw — “I am suspicious of strangers and expect the worst of them,” which, uh, it seems a little bit misanthropic or something, but part of it just has to do with the fact that they’re a Tiefling and they tend to, uh, be outcasts anyway, and it’s kinda owing partially to having grown up in the kind of culture where everybody’s out to get everyone else kind of literally, just to prove some sort of dominance, has left that kind of mark on Defiance. So even though they try their best, they’re still...they have trust issues.

Credence: I think that’s fair.

Sophie: Yeah, I like that. Uh, Credence, why don’t you tell us about Lazza.

Credence: Alright! Well, my name is Credence. Or, uh...Credence...it has nothing to do with Clearwater Revival. Um… Yeah, I get that a lot. And my pronouns are he/him or they/them, ah… If you have listened to the episode of PolyAM Radio about long-distance relationships, I was a guest host on that with Sophie, so um, if you’ve, like… “I recognize that queer-ass voice!” That’s where you recognize me from. Um, and I’ve played D&D a lot while I was growing up, this is the first time I’ve swung back into it in over...probably, mm...seven years? So this is gonna be interesting. And then I will be playing the character Lazza. She is a half-orc barbarian. And her alignment is actually Lawful Neutral, which, um...I will try to justify even though, yup, half-orc barbarian. Um, and her class focus as a barbarian is ancestral guardian, and that’s where a lot of her, um, kind of character development and impetus is generated from. So the ancestral guardian path allows her to have a unique connection with her, like, um, her...clan. Like the ancestors of her clan. And she can praise to them, and they can give her guidance, and that’ll provide some pretty cool features later on in the game, but it also just informs who she is. So, like, as her bond — her biggest bond are her ancestors and that is also tied up with her ideal, which is to — she wishes to live in honor of her ancestors as a proud and honorable warrior, so she’s interested in keeping her ancestors happy with the path that she is walking down. Um… Her other bond would be her father, and she’s never actually met her clan, but as I guess I’ll get into in the story, as that unfolds, but in the abstract, she has a bond with her clan whom she is still trying to find. Her flaws, um… Like, her major flaw, is that she’s kind of afraid to be alone, and obviously, she’s kinda got a tough exterior, so she doesn’t let that show very often, but it does make her, um...it does make her not always listen to what she knows is her truth as far as what her ancestors are encouraging her to do and how to be an honorable warrior, which is, like… Pretty evident based on where she starts off the game, as far as, um...the, um… Sophie, did you mention that they’re all trapped in a raiding, an orc raiding party?

[CHORUS OF CONFIRMATIONS FROM ALL OTHER MEMBERS]

Credence: Okay! So yeah! At the beginning of the game, Lazza is actually in this orc raiding party, and because of her fear of being alone and stuff, she ended up getting in with a bad crowd, so yeah. That’ll be interesting. Her other flaw is that she is incredible superstitious.

Mara: YES.

[LAUGHTER]

Credence: So, it’s to the point where she, like, she will not sleep within ten feet of a magical object, all wizards are tricksters and not to be trusted, if an elf looks you in the eye they’re trying to read your mind, never listen to a bard’s song all the way through because it will bewitch you into dancing yourself to death…

Mara: Shit!

Joe: Uh-oh…!

Credence: Yeah.

Mara: They’re gonna have a hard time getting healed.

[LAUGHTER]

Credence: We’ll see. Yeah, she’s definitely a… She has spent a lot of time in isolation, and so she hasn’t met a lot of different people, and she’s kind of grown up listening to all these stories about, like, how… Y’know, gnomes will try to steal your teeth in the night…

Mara: [LAUGHING]

Credence: So she’s got all these superstitions and she doesn’t have a lot of access to the outside world just yet. So she’s still trying to work through that. So she’s gonna be a little suspicious and superstitious of...about the party and others.

Mara: Especially Ellywick, god damn!

Joe: Uh-oh…

Credence: Yeah, especially…

Joe: It’s gonna take some time…

Credence: Her dynamic with Ellywick is gonna be very, very interesting.

Mara: Watch your teeth… [CACKLING]

Joe: Aw, jeez…

Credence: Well, and she’s very protective of her tusks, because she has very nice lower lip tusks that she takes good care of. She puts rings on ‘em.

Joe: What? Really?

Credence: Yeah!

Joe: Neat!

Credence: She really likes her tusks, and the only—

Sophie: No, not really, Joe, this is a fantasy world and you’re already lost?

Joe: No, I just… I never even thought of that! That’s pretty boss! Like, where does the story end and reality begin? Ahhh!

Credence: Too deep! But yeah, the only other thing I guess I’ll say about Lazza’s appearance is that, um, she keeps two different totems on her at all times. She, like, wears the feathers of a roc that her father slayed — rocs are like these ginormous eagles in the canon of the Dungeons & Dragons world — so she keeps those feathers in her hair as a remembrance of him, and then she always has a little pouch filled with three different semi-precious stones that she uses to commune with her ancestors. And then...yeah! That’s all I got!

Sophie: Okay! I love it! Um, we’re probably gonna call this “Episode 0” here, and we will… Basically how this is going to work is we’re gonna record a couple episodes today, and then at the very least, Episode 0 and Episode 1, which should be dropping at the same time, but we’re gonna take a break to stretch quick and wipe the Cheeto dust off our faces—

Mara: [LAUGHING]

Joe: YOU GOT ANY MOUNTAIN DEW?!

Sophie: Yeah, and do some other necessities. But we will be right back, and you can listen to the beginning of our story in the next episode, so thanks!

[OUTRO MUSIC]

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