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dariusscottt · 8 months

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i can’t get her off my mind (the idea of love)

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dariusscottt · 8 months

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(via Darius)

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dariusscottt · 9 months

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The Letter That Leads To Goodbye To be fair this is more for me than for anyone else. You wonder for a while what it’s like when it’s over—I guess the better way to say it is when you are finally over it. No one prepares you for it. No one prepares you for any parts of it. You aren’t prepared to fall in love, the fall out of love, the grief, the reconciliation, etc. You just get there. You can’t ignore it once you’ve arrived. It’s always been harder for me to let go than it has been to hold on. For a while I couldn’t get past the denial of it all. That this wasn’t “actually happening.” You know? That this person or love that was mistreated & taken for granted would just find its way back. Those with brains would laugh. Still, I fought. I screamed. I cried. I threw anything at the wall and hoped it sticked. It did not. I blamed God, I blamed you, I blamed the what if’s; past traumas; old relationships; everything but me. I tried to ignore it. God will always have a way to show you who you are. You can’t hide from that. The ugly parts of you, the untrustworthy, the unkind, the unloving. Then I accepted that storyline. I had to own that version of me. I had to acknowledge that and believe it. Then the real work began to decentralize myself. I think what led me here is recognizing with the help of others that we do not own others or pick our fates. You do not get to burn the whole place down and cry for help when it’s all over. That the things we often chase after… run from us. My feet hurt and I’m all out of gas. Chasing a dream that I will inevitably always wake up from. Us. Even in the midst of chasing that dream… I’m realizing how much my heart doesn’t want the outcome that I desire as much as it wants your happiness and wholeness. Freedom from this chapter of our lives was necessary. Even when I recognize that my heart for you may not change, but my place in yours has. Coming to terms that there won’t be one last text, or phone call, they don’t feel that yearning, the late night thoughts aren’t of you, they don’t see you in dreams. It’s an understanding and then an acceptance. One that’s long overdue. I will always find a way back to you. I will always see a reason to love you deep. I cherish the idea of what love could’ve been like, but I’m matured enough to know life isn’t The Notebook. I don’t get that fantasy. I’m honored to have been loved by you. Grateful for every second, every smile, every belly laugh, every moment. I leave filled with love and gratitude. Glad that we had a chance. Regardless of the outcome. I want to say I’m sorry – genuinely. You deserve the love of a life time & I’m warm hearted for you. I’ve looked at this as the big move. When the apartment is all packed up, loading boxes in the car, the sweep one last time, the contemplating on if this was the right decision, finding a wall to pencil your name on (some kind of way to leave your mark there), walking through to remember all the memories spent, locking the door, turning in the key, and driving off to your new home. Glad for love to be taking you home. No matter what that may look like or who it’s with. “Take me home country roads, to a place where I belong…take me home country roads.” And then there was the goodbye… I love you (where you belong).

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dariusscottt · 10 months

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