darkness-compelled - Tumblr blog

[darkness-compelled]

Nightmares are just dreams that are in a bad mood. I’ve had them for years. At first the power of them would knock tears from my eyes the moment they opened again. I would gasp for breath, hold my chest, will my heart to calm and slow. Visions would hang in my sight, ghosts of horrible experiences. When I was a kid I never really had nightmares, I told myself stories to fall asleep and upon waking there would be no memories of dreams. Now that I’m older I know that having too many dreams is a sign of disturbed mind. I exhaust myself before I go to bed, I refuse to lay on my pillow awake and waiting for sleep. Usually it works. There is a time of the year that nothing can protect me from the bad things in my head, and I dread the dreams. Just on the other side of closed eyes awaits a torture that is so intimate and damning, that I would go without sleep for the rest of my life to avoid it. Human bodies don’t work that way, doctors have scolded me. All the people in my life who would chastise me are long gone, I don’t abide that attitude. It’s not a choice. It is something that is happening to me. I remind myself as I down all forms of stimulants. I sleep in small bursts and set alarms so I do not fall into the REM trap. It is draining, but being so tired gives me a different sort of energy. Bursts of wild, manic moments that carry me through work, through self care, and into the extras. Those hours between when normal folk go to sleep and awaken. I will play video games, the flashing lights and battle music keep me on my toes. I will paint, it requires a level of focus that keeps my mind my own

[darkness-compelled]

I have been taking radical acceptance of the self slowly, but i am taking it. I started with one of my most rage inducing memories, that makes me go blind with the fury it invokes. that me, 21 years old. everything she went through, and all the injustice and embarrassment, and i gave it all one big hug. i told her that she did great and thank you for keeping us alive and getting us here. it was really, really intense. but i released so much anger from just that one memory, the key to that time of my life. i would cry if i just thought about it before. now instead of fury, i feel sad about it. i release myself of the responsibility of correcting the injustices of my life. i shouldn't and don't have to take that on. it's enough to say that sucked and move on. this is new territory for me, my anger has been a huge part of my identity for so long.

just like the chasm I'm filling with myself, the space i held for my mother, any mother, i am filling these gaps im finding. i don't want to be angry, i want to be happy. I'm scared to say happy, scared to say that i am happy. if it isn't a struggle for my life I'm unsure how to navigate, fuck that old rehtoric. i started slow, im pleased, and moving from pleased to recognizing it as actual happiness. part of it is that struggling with mood swings has taught me that even great happiness has an equal and opposite reaction. if i feel good, I'm going to pay for it. that's how i learned to thrive and revel in my own pain and suffering.

it was powerful, to take control, to not let pain be pain. so twisted but the only way i survived and escaped those really dangerous and bad times. now there is no power in owning my pain that way. i can't wear it like a badge anymore, it's not a power move anymore. so what's the power move?

i think it's just falling into myself. i have been seeking connection and friendship, i think partially because it makes me feel like i belong. but i can't put such potentially harmful power in the hands of others. i will pick it up, i fit, i am at home, i do belong, and who are you to claim otherwise?? who are you to treat me a way or act a way at me? i think that's the power move. but without the rage, totally calm removal of drains on me.

I'm growing. I'm mad it's taken so long to get here, but that won't slow me down. if there isn't anyone here that can appreciate me, that's only because I'm rarified. made of uncommon ingredients. i will be kind. i will be soft. and i will be dangerous.

[darkness-compelled]

if someone messages you, why bother asking how they are if you aren't even going to bother to read it ever? like why?

[darkness-compelled]

I've been really enjoying letting myself get smelly, like not too funky. just my natural smell. maybe it's gross, but i think i prefer it to a lot of the fake smells that come with deodorant. interesting.

[darkness-compelled]

just truly bonkers how much i love lying down..........like being horizontal? unparalleled

[darkness-compelled]

I started my meditation today. It really helped, I'm going to try again tomorrow. Starting with ten minutes.

also, it just hits different to smoke a bowl with a lil guy in your lap.

[darkness-compelled]

I want to be happy and i want to be free, but i also fundamentally believe wants are a trap.

So, can it be a goal? I think I'm going to start meditating again. i think it'll help with the dissociation, and the nightmares. i really hoped i could passively process all this shit, but it's getting backed up.

I'm terrible at forming habits. i might only be able to make myself do this like for a week. but it's with the try. things are getting so bad inside my head. i have to do something.

[darkness-compelled]

fell asleep thinking about my mom again. nightmares of screaming at her and she still won't listen. even in my own head she's such a bitch. i feel emotionally wrecked and totally unready for my day.

nice.

[darkness-compelled]

"I'm the mom so I'm right"

oh yeah? well I'm adult now and get the fuck out of my life you condescending bitch. will i ever be free of her?

[darkness-compelled]

they call you a sheep, they all look exactly the same and say all the same things..... but yes, sure, I'm a sheep?

oh you are too radical!! i thought i was a sheep?

y'all need to stop projecting and assessing me, clearly you need to work on you.

[darkness-compelled]

good lord, everyone is suddenly a financial coach and because oranges are sliced god exists? wtf has this shit devolved into.

[darkness-compelled]

We ask your questions so you don’t have to! Submit your questions to have them posted anonymously as polls.

[darkness-compelled]

Adobe is going to spy on your projects. This is insane.

[darkness-compelled]

watching people you tried to be friends with having fun with each other without even remembering you exist. mmm i can taste the childhood trauma.

[darkness-compelled]

being Christian is gay, because being part of the church makes you the bride of Christ lol

[darkness-compelled]

that profile say shit like:

ceo - blockt

entrepreneur - straight to blockt

investment coach - believe it or not, blockt

I'll teach you how to make money - blockt

we have the best accounts in the world, thanks to blockt

[darkness-compelled]

the sexual tension between me and a tattoo i don’t have money for right now