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Rule 7: Don't Accept A Saturday Night Date After Wednesday

So the general idea here is that people shouldn't accept last minute dates. That's fine. The draconian nonsense is still a problem and, more than that, it encourages frantic insecurity if this man you've been trying not to get to know doesn't set up a date early in the week.

What are you defining as a date?

What do either of your work schedules look like?

If he hasn't called by Wednesday night, make other plans for the weekend. Then you must politely decline if he calls you Thursday and nonchalantly asks, 'Hey, hon, what are you doing Saturday night?' Practice the following answer in the nicest voice possible: 'Oh, I'm sorry, but I've already made plans.' Don't break down and go out with him even through you'd rather do that than hang out with the girls or go out with another man you don't like as much. And don't counteroffer by saying, 'but I'm free Monday.'

So... why do you have another guy on the back burner?

Remember that the whole plan here is to get some dude obsessed with you so he'll marry you.

It is the underpants gnomes of dating

get a dude obsessed with you

mind games

Nothing good

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Rule 6: Always End Phone Calls First

This chapter begins with a brief and sexist digression about how women love to talk and shouldn't talk to men as if those men were their female friends.

And so, to keep yourself from talking to much to this guy you should literally buy a kitchen timer. You set it for ten minutes and when it dings you are suddenly busy.

The amount of artifice and deceit going into the early stages of the relationship here are staggering and I want to pose a question.

What happens when this man finds out about all this?

Given the fact that my father described the books as 'disgusting' and my husband has called it rancid, I do not see the man taking this all particularly well.

I for one would feel deeply manipulated and disrespected. Don't worry! The women who wrote this book have assured me that he won't.

You may think that men will find you abruptly ending a phone call rude and won't call again. On the contrary, just the opposite often happens simple because men are irrational when it comes to love.

I feel like everyone is considered irrational when it comes to love. Whether they are or not, that's the pervading cultural miasma.

If you're an genuinely nice person, you will probably feel cruel when you do The Rules. You will think you are making men suffer, but in reality you are actually doing them a favor. By doing The Rules, you make men want to spend more time with you on the phone and in person. They get to experience longing! Tell yourself you are doing them a favor when you feel heartless about doing The Rules.

Ah, yes, longing. That thing men don't ever experience naturally. Being jerked around is never fun. And 'cruel to be kind' doesn't work when you are trying to build a relationship with someone.

If you are a genuinely nice person, put the book down and act like a compassionate adult.

Moving through we are assure that it's a good thing if your boyfriend gets mad at you and is possessive because you won't answer your fucking phone.

Remember back in Chapter one when I pointed out that the first anti-stalking law passed a few years before this book was published.

Relationships, any form of personal relationship, between two adults shouldn't be framed as adversarial. If you are engaged in a power struggle with a friend, a partner, a sibling, that's a problem.

Do not try and win power struggles like this. It isn't worth it. You and everyone else deserve better.

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Rule 5: Don't Call Him And Rarely Return His Calls

The book has a pathological resistance to talking to someone you are theoretically spending your life with. This bothers me.

To call men is to pursue them, which is totally against The Rules. The will immediately know that you like them and possibly lose interest! Another reason not to call men is so you don't catch them in middle of something-watching a football game, paying bills, entertaining a friend, or even sleeping-when they might not be in the mood to talk to you. Why take a chance?

Why call anyone ever at that point?

Romance isn't some mystical bond that is unique and different from any other form of social attachment. It is fed from the same forces as a platonic bond: support, communication, trust, and mutual fondness. What we have here is an artificial limitation that refuses to take into account the preferences of the people involved in favor of a draconian rule set meant to ensnare someone.

Invariably, when you call him, he will get off the phone first or quickly and you might misinterpret his busyness as disinterest. You may even think he's with another woman! Understandably, you feel empty and nervous for the rest of the day or evening until you hear from him again. This nervousness might make you call him again to ask "Is everything okay?" or "Do you still love me? miss me?" And, you end up breaking more rules!

Go to therapy.

I don't know what else to tall you, if your boyfriend having to get off the phone makes you immediately jump to maybe he doesn't love me anymore! You should go to therapy. There is a reason you are seeking external validation in such a way and you deserve better for yourself. A sense of inner calm and stability.

And I have BPD, I know how it can be.

But that's an internal problem and you should take care of yourself about it.

I know that this book was written in the 90s and that feminism looked different back then, but I don't think the difference was this stark. The assumption that your every thought is going to revolve around this guy you've been not getting to know... why?

And if you have something you want to talk about, something piddly or you think the other person would find interesting, you should tell them.

People like to know they are being thought of and men are just people.

As the rule goes on telling you not to call back, it encourages a mind-set of "and if he doesn't move on!" like that's super easy to do.

Which, granted, if you've put this much effort into acting disinterested, it probably is. But then the constant punctuation of 'so you don't think about him twenty-four hours a day' feels performative in the worst way.

At this rate, I'm going quote Vonnegut at you. "You are what you pretend to be."

If you're dedicating this much effort to not letting him know you like him... you probably don't like him.

And if you don't like him, you probably shouldn't marry him.

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Rule 4: Don't Meet Him Halfway or Go Dutch on a Date

Men love a challenge--that's why they play sports, fight wars, and raid corporations. The worst thing you can do is make it easy for them.

We're going to stop this here. Of the three examples given, only one of those is something generally done because someone enjoys it. At least someone you want to be around. Soldiers, in addition to a number of things we can say about how highlighting and praising aggression just... causes more aggression, are deeply exploited. They are exploited during a conflict, and when they leave.

War? Is not fun. For anyone actually involved in the conflict.

When a man is trying to set up a date to meet you, don't say, "Actually, I'm going to be in your area anyway", don't offer the names of restaurants between your place and his, unless he asks. Don't say much at all. Let him do all the thinking, the talking, let him flip through the Yellow Pages or magazine listings and call a couple of friends for suggestions to come up with a a place convenient for you.

I am going to state, again, for the sake of repetition, that the point of the date he is trying to plan without your input, is so you can ignore him and pretend like he's not worth your time.

We are assuming that the increased effort here will convince this man to work harder, be more grateful for your presence, and therefore dote on you forever.

You can learn a lot about a person while making dinner plans. Is there a place you both like? A cuisine? Is there something one loves and the other has never tried? Things to turn that first date into a fun adventure.

But, fun adventure is not the point of The Rules. Emotionally manipulating a man you don't know is.

It's not that women aren't capable of taking subways and paying for themselves. It's just chivalrous, hence The Rules, for men to pick up their dates and pick up checks.

Chivalry is a series of rules that started from telling chevaliars that they couldn't trample peasants with their horses.

Language evolves, but if we're sticking to the spirit of Chivalry as something other than an in depth look at the politics and gender norms of medieval literature, Chivalry is using ones standing and status to benefit and protect those without.

I'll leave my own thoughts on the check out of this. I come from beneath the poverty line in one of the poor states.

But I will say that my first real date involved three people 'going dutch' to take a pretty girl out to a movie that she picked.

Now, our fearless pseudo-feminist authors want you to know that after the first three dates, you can reciprocate in 'your own way'. You can cook dinner or buy him a small gift. You can suggest cheaper restaurants (I assume you also can't suggest cheaper restaurants during the first three dates) and you should feel good for caring about his finances.

But remember you don't want to deprive him of the challenge of taking you out or trying to be chivalric.

How classy!

Classist.

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Carrot managed to get onto my lap without bumping my chest so I guess he's on my lap now.

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I want to make a note here.

Pick-up-Artistry is a vile... hobby? That is about elevating your self worth through misogyny.

The Rules are... worse. Because it's all the same bullshit, but it's framed not as "Game" or "Notches" but as what you MUST do to achieve life-long affection. It denigrates the worth your perspective partner AND yourself.

YOU are not worthy. You must tie yourself up in mind-games to be WORTH noticing.

And when noticed? You must treat him badly so he never stops.

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Rule 3: Don't Stare At Men or Talk Too Much

To open, I will say that you shouldn't stare at people. Men. Women. Assorted Others. Staring is rude. Don't.

That is not what this chapter is about.

Did you know that there are workshops designed to teach women how to make eye contact with men they find attractive? Save your money. It is never necessary to make eye contact. What about letting men know you're receptive? We suggest simply smiling at the room (or the universe, if you will) and looking relaxed and approachable. That's how to acknowledge a man's attention, not by staring at him.

Jesus christ.

Look, many of us aren't wild about eye contact, but eye contact is a natural means of connecting with someone. This is, in fact, why some of us don't like it. Still it is normal to, if you are having an engaging conversation with someone, particularly in a more intimate setting like a date that everyone is putting too much emphasis on, to make eye contact. It's a nice non verbal way to let someone know they have your attention.

And that's the point.

You're not supposed to let him know he has your attention.

ALSO do not just assume a woman looking blithely pleased is an invitation.

On the first date, avoid staring romantically into his eyes. Otherwise, he will know that you're planning the honeymoon. Instead, look at the table or your food, or simply survey the crowd at the restaurant. It's best to seem genuinely interested in life, in others, in your surroundings, in the paintings on the wall, as opposed to this live prey. He will feel crowded and self-conscious if you gaze at him too much. Restrain yourself. Let him spend the evening trying to get your attention.

Live. Prey.

Well, at least that's honest.

On a very, very, basic level, this is rude and borderline humiliating. This isn't 'don't stare into his eyes' this is 'artificially look around the room so he KNOWS he's not really worth your time or interesting.'

"Active Disinterest" is literally a PUA strategy. Trying to whet the appetite by acting like you don't give a shit is unkind. Some mystery can help pique their interest, but if you are actively looking at everything but your date? You are an asshole. Gender neutral.

Moreover, thanks to other Rules we'll be getting into later. He is, explicitly, paying for the privilege of you pretending he isn't worth your time.

And if you like him? If this is someone you connect with? Why treat them like that and why force yourself to do so?

One of the hardest aspects of dating is figuring out what to say. Do you talk about the weather or politics? Should you be intelligent or girlish? If you're smart, you'll stay cool and just listen to what he says. Follow his lead. If he wants to talk about dance clubs, tell him which ones you've been to and which ones you like. We're not suggesting that you be an airhead. On the contrary! It's just that you're easy to be with. When appropriate, show him that you keep up with current events and have interests. Early dating is not the time to tell him about your job problems. In general, don't be too heavy. But don't be funny if he's serious. Just go with the flow.

Be small. Be pliable. Don't look at him. Man, that 'when appropriate' is causing me a stress headache.

Finding things to talk about can be rough when dealing with new people. A good trick I've found in a twelve year long relationship where 19 hours of everyday is spent talking to a human being I am literally never bored of, is to have shared interests and an earnest desire to know what's in the other person's head.

It will take you far.

I also look at him. I look at him a LOT.

Pretty and I met through the same organization and, again, talked constantly. About everything. That talking led to understanding, to laughter, to better sex, to heart felt moments and to a lot of eye-rolling. We started with the shared interest and branched out. And found more interests. I pulled him into things I liked (by GASP initiating the conversation EVEN ON A DATE) and vis versa.

The mind games are unkind and ultimately damaging to getting to know someone and getting to be known.

The goal is marriage apparently.

You want to like the fucker.

Shout-out to the line about men finding chatty women annoying.

Shout-out to the line about how "as a woman you probably love to talk."

You'll always have my unending bile.

[datingschooldropout]

Rule 2: Don't Talk To A Man First (And Don't Ask A Man To Dance)

Otherwise how will you know if he spotted you first, was smitten by you and had to have you, or was just being polite?

Starting with the out of pocket quote this time.

In this scenario, what this man may have been smitten by is your appearance. That is it. That is it and it is not a good basis for a long term anything, though it can be a fine basis for getting one's gender-neutral dick wet.

And that's fine, but it's a thing The Rules forbids you from doing so it's not an option here.

Secondly, anyone who "has to have you" should be treated with caution in general and if it's that fast... it might not be a red flag, but it is pretty orange.

You are confident, you are smart, he has noticed your tits at this point.

The entire premise of this book is that "Men chase women" and that is not only untrue, but dangerous.

What does men chase women mean? What if you don't want to be chased?

Yet, we manage to rationalize this behavior by telling ourselves, "He's shy" or "I'm just being friendly." Are men really shy? We might as well tackle this question right now. Perhaps a therapist would say so, but we believe that most men are not shy, just not really, really interested if they don't approach you.

My husband is shy. We started talking because I awkwardly approached him about writing together. My husband was not interested in any sort of romance whatsoever (he still isn't really, this is why we work). He would not have approached me first, and he wanted to.

Had I followed The Rules, I would not be married right now. The entire point of this rancid pile of wood pulp.

Pretty was not shy. At all. About anything. Even for a minute. I don't remember who started talking to whom but if someone is interested in you, they will remain so if you open the conversation and if they do not, they are not worth your time.

What follows is a diatribe about not speaking first if you've met with the nameless and personality-less Mr. Right in a professional setting. You do not, as a Rules Girl, suggest coffee. You wait for him to suggest coffee.

In a professional setting, be professional. If you believe in an egalitarian work place as these women claim to, coffee is on either of you.

Do not encourage anyone to hit on anyone at work.

Later it gets into dances and the idea is what do you do if no one asks you to dance?

The answer is broadly... suck it up? Be bored?

Why. Would. You. Do. This?

Dances are not necessarily fun for us. They may be fun for other women who just want to go out and have a good time. But you're looking for love and marriage so you can't always do what you feel like. You have to do THE RULES. That means that even when you're bored or lonely, you don't ask men to dance. Don't even stand next to someone you like, hoping he'll ask you, as many women do. You have to wait for someone to notice you.

We're bypassing the way this book looks down it's nose at other women. It is a running theme.

To what end?

In Chapter 4 we talked about clothes and how people look better in clothing they are comfortable in. This is a similar vibe.

You go to a dance for the sake of meeting some man you're going to ignore.

You cannot ask him to dance, apparently we do not dance by ourselves for the joy of dancing.

I promise, most women in this position are not the actresses Fein and Schneider want them to be. Even with all the weird positive self-talk from Rule 1.

So she looks bored. She looks like she doesn't want to be there.

If someone does want to talk to her, it is more likely to be out of pity then interest.

"Are you here by yourself?" asked with concern rather than hope.

Is that the energy you want to put forward? It's not the energy the book is saying they're aiming for, certainly.

But I guess if it ends with some random guy deigning to take interest in you it's all worth it?

That's ridiculous.

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Rule 1: Be a "Creature Unlike Any Other"

Taken in a vacuum, this rule is fine. It's basically just positive self-talk and that's something everyone can usually use more of. The examples of this positive self-talk are... a little weird.

Being a creature unlike any other is really an attitude, a sense of confidence and radiance that permeates your being from head to toe. It's the way you smile (you light up the room), pause in between sentences (you don't babble on and on out of nervousness), listen (attentively), look (demurely, never stare), breathe (slowly), stand (straight), and walk (briskly, with your shoulders back).

What this says, to me and quite possibly to the poor girl reading this, is that she is a creature unlike any other because she is quiet and collected.

What about how you laugh (bright and boisterous, without shame), how you look (appraisingly or with awe), or anything like that, its how you roll your eyes (with the deftness of a 30's starlet).

The issue, as will be the issue again and again, is the lens. You are doing this, not for you, but for him, and not because you know him, but because you want him to want you.

It's Pick-Up-Artistry by way of 1920.

Most women hang around men all night waiting to be asked to dance. But you do The Rules. If he wants to be with you or get your phone number, he'll search the crowded room until he find you. You don't offer him your pen or business card. You don't make it easy for him. Don't even carry them with you or you may be tempted to "help him out." The reason is that he has to do all the work. As he scrambles around begging the coat-check girl for a pen, you stand by quietly. You think to yourself, "The Rules have begun!" It's that simple. You do The Rules and trust that one day, a prince will notice that you're different from all other women he's know, and ask for your hand!

Let us, you and I, interrogate this scenario they have built. First, we are assuming that ever interaction with a man trying to get to know you, is romantic. That's... already bad.

The power trip of watching the poor dude scramble is just... so much worse.

If a guy is trying to just be friendly, do you give him your number in the name of just broing out?

If that then becomes romantic, do you suddenly get draconian with your time and affection?

Secondly, the misogyny. How desperate of those other girls to (checks notes) talk to people without waiting to be approached and then timing the amount of time they spend with someone.

You're not like other girls, you're... weirdly calculating about your social interactions in a way that is not fun and probably isn't healthy.

Chapter four, with the weird diet stuff I skipped, talks about it as the same denial of instant-gratification as not getting an ice cream.

But... this is not ice cream. Which you should let yourself have anyway, it's an ice cream. This is a conversation, an evening. A possible connection even if it's not romantic. Even if it IS romantic.

They're not the same thing.

You should not go on weird power trips about other people. It is a bad thing to do.

[datingschooldropout]

A brief diatribe on Cosmo magazine.

Cosmo came up in the last section and I feel like I need to just... make a few notes.

I am very much in camp "publish what you want" but Cosmo isn't exactly a bastion of intersectional feminism. They gave a lot of tips about pleasing men in the bedroom, some of which seemed pretty unsafe from what I remember.

Also that were... in a lot of ways more explicit than some of the things I read in Playboy around the same time. Maybe it was that way because it was meant to be instructional? I don't know.

Diet culture is extremely toxic, beauty standards are a lie that largely enforce white supremacy in ways I NEVER would have thought of as a tween. The whole idea of something being innately feminine or innately masculine bothers me on a level that mostly just causes a big GENDER?!??!?!? sign to pop up over my head.

And that's... fine? I don't have to like something for it to exist.

But the subject we are dealing with with The Rules are women being told to seek out a man to, not build their life around, but to dominate and possess in an equally bad way.

And I just don't feel like this is a healthy combination.

[datingschooldropout]

Chapter 4: But First the Product -- You!

"Professor," I hear you ask, leaning back against the wall as we ditch, you and I, the classes meant to turn us into predators hunting for Mr. Right as though another human is a discount in the beverage section. "What happened to chapter 3?"

Chapter 3 is literally just about their friend from Chapter 1. It is just another testimonial and probably could have been put in chapter 1. They may have been padding the runtime? The book is very very short as it is.

Anyway, we're skipping it.

Obviously, we're going to talk about the title first. I get that the whole feel of this horrible book is 90's consumerist sizzle, but your target audience is, literally, young women of marrying age. Maybe "product" wasn't the best choice here.

Most of the advice is bland enough to be both forgettable and inoffensive. Look your best, have confidence, etc.

They do want you to know who you are doing this for, of course. You must not lose sight of the goal.

Look your best! The better you look, the better you will feel, and the more desirable you will become to him. Maybe other men will start finding you more attractive and asking you out. You will no longer feel that the man you're currently dating is the only man on earth.

Hmm... yeah. I have been asked out in front of the man I was dating and it was extremely unpleasant. Also, this is admitting that you're really not all that into the guy you're with.

So why are you with him? Pity dates benefit no one in the long run.

And if you were into him, but now you're not because other men have noticed you, what does that say? Are you fickle, flighty? Do you thrive solely on the attention of the opposite sex? Were you denied opportunity and see it now before you?

My point is, that if the kind of girl reading this is inclined to center her self-esteem around male attention, all she has really done is increase that, with no firmer an idea of finding someone to really connect with and, with the above phrasing, she has quite possibly lost someone she did connect with whom she met before becoming a "Rules Girl."

There's also a weird intersection with diet culture here but I am going to slide right past that can of worms and into what a Rules Girl should dress like.

And this time, a screenshot I have scribbled on.

my god, there's so much here. Every piece of this is toxic. The misogyny, the capitalism, the deciding what people like without asking them.

Look, no one asked for my hot clothes take (nor should they, I am king frump of frump mountain) but here it is.

You look best in clothes you are comfortable in. There is a way people hold themselves when they are at ease that will effect the way the fabric hangs.

Also anyone who tells you black isn't sexy in any dimension is just wrong and cannot be trusted. Black fucks.

On a pett(ier note then the rest of it. You just know that if this book had been written in the 2010s they'd have spelled woman with a y there. You can feel the y.

It's what's inside that counts.

[datingschooldropout]

Chapter 2: What Are The Rules?

So, the second chapter (these chapters are very short) is a sales pitch. "Do these things and men will flock to you." It shows it's ass extremely quickly however, lets go over how!

Content warning for Stalking.

The purpose of The Rules is to make Mr. Right obsessed with having you as his by making yourself seem unattainable.

Let's start here, at the beginning. Before you have married him, this man is at best your boyfriend. There is a litany of reasons why I would not use the word 'obsessed' here. A litany that starts with Sarah McLaughlin, paddles through a number of songs I like, and ends with a distressingly high number of murder victims. If he is 'obsessed with having you as his' what happens when that... doesn't play out? To him and to you. Emotionally and, in this age of True Crime, physically.

The ethos laid out is that because he has spent so much time chasing you, he will never take you for granted. Hell! He will get jealous if you go out to do your own thing!

I cannot tell you how that raises the hair on my neck. The nineties aren't some far of stranger to domestic violence and stalking. The nation's first anti-stalking law was passed in California in 1990 following the shooting of an actress.

At best, this is tone-deaf for a book published in 1995. Stalking disproportionately affects women-the target audience here.

I am in no way saying that girls who follow The Rules (Rules Girls, as they are called in the book) deserve anything that may have been inflicted on them as a result of the advice they follow. There is no way to know a Mr. Right from a Mr. IncrediblyWrong unless something goes wrong.

I am saying that obsession is a bad ethos to build dating advice around.

And they slide in "They are very good friends, too" as an afterthought. The thing that I would think you would center.

Moving on to a brighter and still very wrong take, they give us the following.

Men are different from women. Women who call men, ask them out, conveniently have two tickets to a show, or offer sex on the first date destroy male ambition and animal drive. Men are born to respond to challenge. Take away challenge and their interest wanes.

Christ, where do I start? The gender essential bullshit? The misandry? Fein and Schneider have offered forth a rancid smorgasbord in a single paragraph. What a treat.

They love anecdotes, we'll start with an anecdote.

And you know what, we're going to keep an eye on this anecdote, my last relationship with a man I'll be calling Pretty (for reasons) and how I didn't follow The Rules at all, how that was a good thing, and how things still didn't work out and that's also a good thing.

One of the reasons my last relationship ended was because, from Pretty's mouth, he felt like he hadn't had to chase me and didn't know what to do with that.

On a glance, this would seem like an endorsement for the weird bullshit being presented here, but let's look a litlte closer. This was a conversation we were having as friends about why things didn't work out, and it was an apology from him to me. Should I have made him chase me? Should I have run from something I wanted?

If I had, I would have missed out on the most formative relationship in my life until starting to date my husband. Pretty would have lost the rock that got him through a rough patch. We both would have missed out on a really good friendship and, to be crass, some really good sex.

Moving onto the hideous misandry. Men and women are not 'different' in any way you can quantify without making you an asshole. There are reams of papers and studies on gender differences. It simply is not that simple and acting like men are simple automatons that a few lines of code will 'fix' denies them their humanity and grants them a grace from their decisions that they should not get. "Boys will be boys" is bad both when it is excusing violence and when it is treating them like simpletons.

Stop it.

Further more.

I am an agender person! Do I not get companionship with men or must I play the role of a woman to do so? What if I, a woman who wants to follow The Rules, am a lesbian? Or bisexual but have met a woman I really like? What if I am a cishet woman but the person pursuing me is non-binary?

Why are we pretending there are weird archaic differences when there aren't?

[datingschooldropout]

I'm not going to screenshot much of this trash, but I thought we could have this opening paragraph as a treat.

Chapter 1: The History Of The Rules

The history of the rules would be a bunch of testimonials if it weren't for the fact that it's these two women in 1995 talking about how these rules worked for their friend's grandmother in the 1910s. It acknowledges that 'The Rules' are old-fashioned and unflinching, but they work.

They wanted husbands, and that's fine. I have a husband, husbands can be pretty rad. They wanted romance and flowers and honeymoons and, again, that's fine.

Here's the thing, old-fashioned advice will work for far longer than it should simply because society changes at uneven paces. Men were taught to be one way, and The Rules basically enforces those practices.

Why does it leave him wanting more? Is it genuine interest or the thrill of the chase?

Ellen Fein got divorced. I don't have a problem with that, sometimes marriages don't work out for a variety of reasons (one of which can be that your early relationship was a bunch of hot and cold nonsense and you don't really know each other beyond "the spark", just saying) but if you're peddling a book about how these old fashioned Rules really work for catching "Mr. Right" than I can't help but hold you to an old fashioned idea of what "Mr. Right" ought to mean.

Particularly if all your evidence for 'it works' is anecdotal.

[datingschooldropout]

Syllabus Week

Who am I and why am I doing this?

Okay, so this blog exists because I was reminded of the existence of this atrocious fucking book because it's back on people's brains, apparently.

And I find that offensive.

Once upon a time, a million and a half years ago in the mid-aughts, my mother got her hands on this book and attempted to make me follow its rancid teachings in my interactions with the similarly aged boys in my life.

This was literally all of my friends. My mother was suddenly treating every interaction between myself and any male friend as a potential romantic sortie. Which was annoying on a number of levels, but also... she didn't do this with any of the few girls I spent time with.

I am bi. My mother knew I was bi. My mother is bi.

These were not tips for navigating romance, they were not tips for finding even footing, happiness, and respect in a relationship. These were tips for auctioning yourself off to the highest bidder while disguising it as 'standards' and explicitly looking down on people who were simply more open about the fact that that was what they are doing.

I have no problem with the sugar baby dynamic if everyone involved is of age and knows that that's what it is. My mother gave me a number of talks growing up about the importance of respecting sex workers and keeping my nose out of people's business. "There's nothing wrong with taking your top off for money," is a direct quote.

And then this book entered her head like fucking brain worms.

So that's the primary reason I'm doing this. But I also want to look at how the book centers romance and romantic partners in a way that I find unhealthy and unhelpful. It centers a young woman's life on her romantic partner while degrading that relationship to a transaction that I have always found unethical.