datmerrywanderertho

[datmerrywanderertho]

Lying in bed with the love of my life and they just said that they think the Wet Bandits from Home Alone are "an old T4T couple in, y'know, a Bert and Ernie kind of way". Fascinating.

[datmerrywanderertho]

Law and Order Sous Vide

They found Laura Palmer wrapped in plastic, making it entirely possible that they tried to sous vide her corpse.

[datmerrywanderertho]

My spouse poured water into a plastic container of cotton candy and drank the melted cotton candy and said, "Raccoons wish they were me," and I'm gonna throw uppppppppppp. It was cherry berry flavored, too. That's so foul. They did it because they don't like touching cotton candy with their hands. Autistic bitch. I hate you. (I'm also autistic, it's fine.) Oughhh.

[datmerrywanderertho]

my favorite bit of "rich people are Like That" ephemera that I picked up from my Russian literature binge was from a noble character who was complaining about his serfs neglecting their duties, specifically the duty of staying up all night long slapping the pond water in order to prevent the frogs from croaking so that the nobleman could enjoy his sleep at his country estate with its adorable pond. whenever I hear wealthy people's complaints in this day and age the majority of it automatically filters to "the fucking serfs won't slap the pond anymore and it's honestly so destructive and cruel of them to deny me my beauty sleep like this" type statements

[datmerrywanderertho]

The Clash - Straight to Hell

[datmerrywanderertho]

My spouse plays these little puzzle games on their phone, and they for some reason also play the ads for other mobile games, and they kept reloading the ad for a game called Bus Station Jam: 3D Parking over and over and over again so they could keep parking buses and when I asked what the fuck they were doing, they just said, "I'm what's known as a gamer."

[datmerrywanderertho]

Me, thinking I might stop straightening my hair: They say that if your hair is curly, it's better to dry it with a T-shirt, but I feel like my hair retains too much water for a T-shirt to absorb.

The Fucking Idiot I Married: Yeah, you're gonna have to use pants.

[datmerrywanderertho]

[datmerrywanderertho]

Stop "adding that to your lexicon" when I say something funny online and start absorbing my other traits. Sweet potatoes are your favorite food now. You have asthma. The line between you and I is beginning to blur.

[datmerrywanderertho]

your current era of posting is fucking incredible. The shit you are saying is SO FUNNY, holy shit.

I love that you have been sorting my posts into eras as though I am the Taylor Swift of posts to you. They should let me crash a private jet into the Tumblr servers.

[datmerrywanderertho]

Newton you are missing out on my cuntiest look yet

[datmerrywanderertho]

About once a day at least, somebody tries to stop me from doing something stupid, and I'll say, "Ain't no rule says a dog can't play basketball!!!" and so last night my spouse finally said, "Hey, so how many times have you seen Air Bud, anyway?"

Fuckin' zero, babyyy!!!

[datmerrywanderertho]

His name is Half a Roll of Quarters and he wants to know if you're mad at him.

[datmerrywanderertho]

LISTEN TO YOURSELF! YOU NEED AT LEAST TWO BABIES TO HAVE ENOUGH SHOES FOR A DOG!

[datmerrywanderertho]

Why is my spouse so tired that they just asked me if I dated the shark from Jaws when I was in high school (referred to him as "teenage Jaws").

[datmerrywanderertho]

🌿 Fun with carnivorous plants! 🌿

[datmerrywanderertho]

Well, being married was cool while it lasted, but we just drove by some horses in a field that were wearing clothes and Robin wouldn't turn around so I could take pictures, so.