davidalmeida

[davidalmeida]

Fake Massachusetts Towns

by MICHAEL ANDOR BRODEUR

Lameham

Methol

Shamesbury

Blight Falls

West Lameham

Mansocket

Whitefolk

Leominsterlingburghamshireton

Scroughton

Unstable (/unst'-a-bull/)

Hamham

Braintree

[davidalmeida]

Puns Galore

(An email forwarded to me on October 16, 1999)

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank-proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw." Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocaine during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer." There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins-if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

And the worst of the bunch: These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.\

He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of business. They ignored her too.

So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop. Terrified, they did so -- thereby proving ... (Are you ready for this?) that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

(Let the mass groaning commence! LOL)

[davidalmeida]

Preparation for Parenthood

(From January 1999, saved from a hilarious multi-forwarded email that was ‘making the rounds.’)

Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery.  Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the real life experience of being a mother or father.

1) (Women) To prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag chair down the front.  Leave it there for nine months. After nine months, remove 10% of the beans.

2) (Men) To prepare for paternity, go to the local drug store, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help himself.  Then go to the supermarket.  Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.  Go home.  Pick up the paper and read it for the last time.

3) Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, apallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to run riot.  Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior.  Enjoy it--it's the last time in your life that you will have all of the answers.

4) To discover how the nights feel, walk around the living room from 5pm till 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds. At 10pm put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at 12am and walk around the living room again with the bag, until 1am. Put the alarm on for 3am.  As you can't go back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45am. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.  Sing songs in the dark till 4am.  Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years.  Look cheerful.

5) Can you stand the mess children make?  To find out, smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.  Hide a fish stick behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.  Stick your fingers in the flower beds then rub them on the clean walls.  Cover the stains with crayons.  There, how does that look?

6) Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.  First buy an octopus and a string bag.  Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that none of the arms hang out.  Time allowed for this: all morning.

7) Take an egg carton.  Using a pair of scissors and a can of paint, turn it into an alligator.  Now take a toilet paper tube. Using only scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas tree. Last, take a milk container, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of Coco Puffs and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations, you have just qualified for a place on the play group committee.

8) Forget the Miata and buy the minivan.  And don't think you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining.  Family cars don't look like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove compartment.  Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassette player. Take a family-size bag of chocolate cookies. Mash them down the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There! Perfect!

9) Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it again. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue, and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you've had as much as you can stand until all of the neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and go back in the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

10) Always repeat everything you say at least five times. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child. A fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

11) Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy Froot Loops and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane. Continue until half of the Froot Loops are gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot them fall on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12-month-old child.

12) Learn the names of every character from Barney, Sesame Street, and Power Rangers.  When you find yourself singing, "I love you, you love me" at work, now you finally qualify as a parent!

[davidalmeida]

Self-Justification

[This file is dated 12/02/1999 on my computer. Don’t know if that’s accurate, but it’s definitely no newer than sometime in the mid-2000s.]

SELF-JUSTIFICATION

- As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner Sociopath.  

- I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.  

- I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.  

- I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.  

- In some cultures, what I do would be considered normal.  

- I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.  

- Joan of Arc heard voices too.  

- I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.  

- As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.  

- When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit.  But not nearly as gratifying.  

- As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry mace.  

- All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid, and disgusting parts.  

- I am at one with my duality.  

- Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.  

- Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.  

- I honor and express all facets of  my being, regardless of state and local laws.  

- Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."  

- A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.  

- Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the  bedroom.  

- Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute...I'll find someone.  

- The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.

[davidalmeida]

For Those Who Enjoy Language

From my old email files dated Monday, March 07, 2005 5:53 PM:

FOR THOSE WHO ENJOY LANGUAGE

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine. A backward poet writes inverse. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking. Dijon vu - the same mustard as before. Practice safe eating - always use condiments. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death. A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy. A hangover is the wrath of grapes. Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion. Reading while sunbathing makes you well red. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.) Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes. She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. Internet connection in Australia: the LAN down under. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key. Every calendar's days are numbered. A lot of money is tainted - It'aint yours and it'aint mine. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. He had a photographic memory that was never developed. A plateau is a high form of flattery. A dwarf fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large. Those who get too big for their breeches will be exposed in the end. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. Acupuncture is a jab well done. Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.

[davidalmeida]

Sayings For The 1990s

Oddly enough, from my email inbox in 1999. Talk about striking while the iron is hot... (probably gleaned from many different whimsically funny bumper stickers in many different gift shops)

Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen. Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom? A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth. Do I look like a freakin' people person? This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting. I've found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time. If I throw a stick, will you leave? You! Off my planet! Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose. Bottomless pit of needs & wants. I like dogs, too. Let's exchange recipes. Does your train of thought have a caboose? Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe? Errors have been made. Others will be blamed. Let me show you how the guards used to do it. And just how may I screw you over today? And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...? See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil. A PBS mind in an MTV world. Allow me to introduce my selves. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you." Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet. Don't worry. I forgot your name, too! How many times do I have to flush before you go away? You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing. Macho Law forbids me from admitting I'm wrong. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it? Not all men are annoying. Some are dead. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done. A woman's favorite position is CEO. Does this condom make me look fat? How do I set a laser printer to stun? It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size. Meandering to a different drummer.  

[davidalmeida]

This is a newspaper ad for Radio Shack from 1991. We all have 13 of the 15 items in our pockets, thanks to our smartphones. (Sorry, no police radar detector or speaker with 15″ woofer... not even on Android.) Lengthier Analysis: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/steve-cichon/radio-shack-ad_b_4612973.html

[davidalmeida]

Quotes To Ponder

These are OK. Fun. Nothing too edgy or Earth-shattering. They are from an email I received some time in 2002, before the Internet got REALLY creative and clever.

1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the  passengers in his car." --Author Unknown

2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:  "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children" --Author Unknown

3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a  support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." --Drew Carey

4) "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a  woman I don't like and just give her a house." --Rod  Stewart

5) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's  not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing  it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them  off at the wrong house." --Jeff Foxworthy

6) "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a  penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." --Robin  Williams

7) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball  and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on  base." --Dave Barry

8) "What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?" --Marilyn Pittman

9) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and  we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two  weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before  they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." --Bob  Ettinger

10) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took  her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said,  'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'" --Paula Poundstone

11) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have  better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh." --Conan O'Brien

12) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm  halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....  I could be eating a slow learner." --Lynda Montgomery

13) "I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of  people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and  the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go  west.'" --Richard Jeni

14) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the  impersonators would be dead." --Johnny Carson

15) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us  geography." --Paul Rodriguez

16) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law." --Jerry Seinfeld

17) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that?  What, do tall people burn slower?" --Warren Hutcherson

18) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same." --Oscar Wilde

19) "Suppose you were an idiot . . . and suppose you were a  member of Congress . . . but I repeat myself." --Mark Twain

20) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school  student. At least they can find Afghanistan." --A. Whitney  Brown

21) "Ah, yes, divorce . . . , from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." --Robin  Williams

22) "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I  think of it as the only time of the month that I can be  myself." --Roseanne

23) "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a  place." --Billy Crystal

24) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you look that says, 'My God, you're right! I  never would've thought of that!' --Dave Barry

25) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken. --Unknown, presumed deceased

[davidalmeida]

Tina Fey on Comedy Writers

From her amazing book “Bossypants,” which every human should read (or better, listen to the audiobook) immediately. My BFF Steve and I are constantly trying to quote the goofy barrel joke contained in this passage, and we can never remember the exact wording. I’m putting it here so I’ll always know where I can find it. I included the other stuff around it because it’s pretty interesting. It is part of Tina Fey’s list of things she learned from her boss Lorne Michaels when she was Head Writer on SNL from 2000-2006: “3. When hiring [writers], mix Harvard nerds with Chicago improvisors and stir.

… The writing staff of SNL has always been a mix of hyper-intelligent Harvard boys (Jim Downey, Al Franken, Conan O’Brien, Robert Smigel), and gifted visceral fun performers (John Belushi, Gilda Radner, Jan Hooks, Horatio Sans, Bill Murray, Maya Rudolph). Lorne somehow knew that too many of one or the other would knock the show out of balance. To generalize with abandon, if you had nothing but Harvard guys, the whole show would be commercial parodies about people wearing barrels after the 1929 stock market crash. “Flenderson’s Poverty Barrels: A Semiotic Representation Of Financial Ruin Since Right Now! (Formerly known as Flenderson’s The-Jazz-Age-Is-Going-To-Last-Forever Brand Pickles.)” If you had nothing but improvisors, the whole show would be loud drag characters named Vicky and Stacy screaming their catch-phrase over and over: “You kiss yer mother with that face?!” Harvard boys and improv people think differently because their comedy upbringing is so different. If you were at the Harvard Lampoon, sitting in a castle with your friends, you can perfect a piece of writing to be exactly what you want and you can avoid the red-hot feeling of flop sweat. Especially because you won’t be there when someone reads it. But when you’re improvising 8 shows a week in front of drunk, meat-eating Chicagoans, you will experience highs and lows. You will be heckled, or worse, you will hear your own heartbeat over the audience’s silence. You will be bombing so hard that you will be able to hear a lady in the back put her gum in a napkin. You may have a point to make about the healthcare system in America, but you’ll find out that you need to present that idea through a legally blind bus driver character or as an exotic dancer whose boobs are running for Mayor. (I would like to see that sketch, actually.) Ultimately, you will do whatever it takes to win that audience over. Harvard is Classical Military Theory; Improv is Vietnam.”

[davidalmeida]

Old MySpace Blog Names

Back when blogging was THE THING (like 2004-2008? -ish?) I would change my blog names on MySpace ALL THE TIME. Thus, I plan to compile a list of those names, in no particular order. (The other cool thing on MySpace was the ability to change your screen name/handle. I used many of those, too. That’s a list for another day. Plus one I discovered “DivaDaviD” - a beautiful, appropriate palindrome, I never changed it again.) LOQUATIOUS EXTRANEOUS BOMBASTIC CIRCUMLOCUTION SURFACE STATION THIS GUY DOES NOT HAVE A MUTE BUTTON

... to be amended ...

[davidalmeida]

I’ve always loved this story. Whether or not it’s true, it’s a pretty accurate description of corporate culture.

[davidalmeida]

Quit Complaining About Your Job

[pics found on the Web some time in 2004]

[davidalmeida]

Speaking of Anagrams...

Here is something SUPER fun: The Internet Anagram Server. Put in your name and see what comes out! Partial results for DAVID ALMEIDA:

I'M A DAD; I'VE LAD I'M LED VIA A DAD ADD A LIVE MAID MADE A VALID ID MALE DID A DIVA A DAD AMID EVIL MADE LAVA, I DID I AM DAVID. DEAL. AVID MEDIA LAD

And my personal favorite: IDEAL MAD DIVA

[davidalmeida]

Fun With Anagrams!

Cobbed together from a couple of different emails, ca. 1999-2000 An Anagram, as you all know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase.  No letters can be used twice or left out.

The following ones are exceptionally clever (someone out there either has way too much time on their hands or is deadly at Scrabble):

Word/Phrase → Anagram -------------------------------------- Dormitory → Dirty Room Evangelist → Evil's Agent Desperation → A Rope Ends It The Morse Code → Here Come Dots Slot Machines → Cash Lost in 'em Animosity → Is No Amity Mother-in-law → Woman Hitler Snooze Alarms → Alas! No More Z's Alec Guinness → Genuine Class Semolina → Is No Meal The Public Art Galleries → Large Picture Halls, I Bet A Decimal Point → I'm a Dot in Place The Earthquakes → That Queer Shake Eleven plus two → Twelve plus one Contradiction → Accord not in it Astronomer → Moon Starer Princess Diana → End Is A Car Spin Year Two Thousand → A Year To Shut Down Presbyterian → Best In Prayer The Eyes → They See George Bush → He Bugs Gore Election Results → Lies, Let’s Recount

This one is truly amazing... ORIGINAL: "To be or not to be: that is the question, whether its nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune." ANAGRAM: "In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten."

And for a contemporary one: ORIGINAL: "That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind." (Neil Armstrong, on the moon) ANAGRAM: “A thin man ran; makes a large stride, left planet, pins flag on moon!  On to Mars!"

And a final one, a perfect accompaniment to the impeachment trial; you're not going to believe this: ORIGINAL: "President Clinton, of the USA" ANAGRAM: "To copulate, he finds interns"

[davidalmeida]

Speaking of Motivational Posters...

Here is a plethora of them that I found gathering dust on my hard drive. SEVENTY-NINE of them, to be exact. Hunker down, kids. And, really, most of these are just too good not to share.

Acquired sometime around the turn of the millennium. I’m sure better quality / higher res versions are probably out on the interwebs somewhere... But I’m too lazy to seek them out.

Please to enjoy...

[davidalmeida]

Top 20 Sayings We’d Like To See On Those Motivational Office Posters

[ floating around my email inbox ca. March 1999 ]

1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them. 2.   If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation. 3.   Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security. 4.   Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. 5.   Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.  6.   A person who smiles in the face of adversity...probably has a scapegoat. 7.   Plagiarism saves time. 8.   If at first you don't succeed, try management. 9.   Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether. 10.  TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself. 11.  The beatings will continue until morale improves. 12.  Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups. 13.  We waste time, so you don't have to. 14.  Hang in there, retirement is only fifty years away! 15.  Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker. 16.  A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all. 17.  When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break. 18.  INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY. 19.  Succeed in spite of management. 20.  Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

[davidalmeida]

Words Of Wisdom

from an email that was passed around and around and around back in 2005...

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."

                                                              --Steven Seagal

"The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job.  But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it.  At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."

                                                              --Jeff Foxworthy

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."

                                                              --Robin Williams

"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base."

                                                              --Dave Barry

"What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?"

                                                              --Marilyn Pittman

"Relationships are hard.  It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one.  If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice.  There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."

                                                              --Bob Ettinger

"My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat.  I said, Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim."

                                                              --Paula Poundstone

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men.  I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'duh'."

                                                              --Conan O'Brien

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?  I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my Goodness ... I could be eating a slower learner."

                                                              --Lynda Montgomery

"The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner."

                                                              --Roseanne

"I think that's how Chicago got started.  A bunch of people in New York said, "Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough.  Let's go West."

                                                              --Richard Jeni

"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."

                                                              --Johnny Carson

"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."

                                                              --Paul Rodriguez

"My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law."

                                                              --Jerry Seinfeld

"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from the smallest to tallest.  What is the logic?  Do tall people burn slower?"

                                                              --Warren Hutcherson

"Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many.  Monogamy is the same."

                                                              --Oscar Wilde

"Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet."

                                                              --Mae West

"Suppose you were an idiot .... And suppose you were a member of Congress ... But I repeat myself."

                                                              --Mark Twain

"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student.  At least they can find Kuwait."

                                                              --A. Whitney Brown

"Ah, yes, divorce ... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."

                                                              --Robin Williams

"Women complain about pre-menstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."

                                                              --Roseanne

"You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!"

                                                              --Dave Barry

"If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten."

                                                              --George Carlin

"When I die, I want to die like my grandmother who died peacefully in her sleep.  Not screaming like all the passengers in her car."

                                                              --Author Unknown

"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so?  There's a support group for that.  It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."

                                                              --Drew Carey

Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "keep away from children"