daybydaygrowth

[daybydaygrowth]

the past few days have been very eventful for me, work wise. I got a promotion and im just so happy that all my hard work has paid off. being out of my comfort zone and learning a new skill within my craft has really been amazing. and at the same time, I just wish I could call you and tell you my good news. you were the reason why I applied at this job. I wish my personal life could match the energy I have for work. 

sometimes I think I have no purpose here in Los Angeles anymore, its been 11 years of ups and down but I crave a new scenery. pnw would be my go to, or San Francisco. I feel tired of being comfortable within myself and situations. but im just afraid to take such a huge leap, especially alone. 

anyway, im going to see hellogoodbye on Sunday, alone.. which is a first for me. I've never been to any type of show alone so hopefully I have a good time and just vibe. and then im going to the dodger game on Tuesday, which im super excited for since I haven't missed a post season game since 2017. these two events are the things im looking forward to for the upcoming week. the dodger game moreso because im surprising my friend, she thinks were going to a bar to watch the game. 

everyday I think about you... but its becoming less and less. and im happy that im starting to be okay with moving on. I mean, I even went on a date a few days ago, it was a nice date. but not the man for me. im still hopeful, but idk.. I feel like my person isn't out there. which is sad, but that's why im trying to do things on my own, even if it makes me uncomfortable. I need LA friends. 

[daybydaygrowth]

its weird being in the state of mind im in, like I know what I need to do to better myself, but I just don't understand why its so hard or scary to just move forward. I think I've always had a hard time with change in my life so rather dealing with it I would sweep a lot of things under the rug. its been nearly 3 months since you broke up with me and yesterday I went on my first date. when things ended with us, I told myself then and there I was done dating, I didn't want to go through the weird phases that come with dating. I felt like I didn't deserve happiness, honestly I felt a lot of negative things towards myself and with time, I finally realized that I am deserving. my struggles don't define who I am, my weight doesn't make me any less of a person. im an honest woman. I have a good job that I love. I've been living on my own for 14 years.. I have so much going for me and even though it didn't work out with someone doesn't mean its fair to just close myself off to the world. but back to my first date.. this guy and I have been talking for a few days and then he asked me out. which was just something I wasn't used to, I did most of my dating when the shutdown first happened last year and it was more of I go to their house or they would come to mine, we never really went out because everything was closed. this man is extremely nice and we had great conversation but he just reminded me of a certain ex boyfriend that was abusive towards me. once I saw him in that light, I couldn't shake it. I felt bad because all I wanted to do was go home, but he had picked me up from my house and I didn't know how to address the situation because I've never been in that situation. luckily the wind started to pick up in downtown so I suggested we take off because I was really cold. so he dropped me off at home and I texted a friend about the whole thing. he ended up calling me and that conversation made me feel safe. do I suffer from depression, anxiety, ptsd all stemming from my toxic long term relationship, yes. but have to figure out how to not let myself be in situations where im uncomfortable. its okay to end things early or just be up front and honest.

and just to clarify, my 7 year toxic relationship ended in 2019, my recent ex boyfriend was my first healthy relationship as an adult, and that's why I've taken it so hard.

anyways, im proud of myself for putting myself out there and trying to make connections. im cautious for sure because im not looking to rush anything at this point. and its also funny that when you get back into online dating you see a lot of familiar profiles that hit you up after all this time. like are we really gonna do this again? lol im hopeful for sure, but I don't expect much, especially when it comes to men in Los Angeles. 

[daybydaygrowth]

drowning

the past few months I haven't known how to live my life. everything seemed to some how fall apart so quickly, I was so caught off guard. I've been trying to find myself but I just feel so lost. I know I need to seek help, but im just so afraid to do so. ive been through a lot in my adult life, some things I wish upon no one.. I can say I made it through those times, but this sadness im going through, hurts more than anything I've ever felt. this loneliness is a scary feeling.  when I was a kid I used to harm myself.. one day I just stopped. no reason behind it, no major life event to make me stop. but recently I started harming myself again. I mostly do it because I feel dead on the inside, and that pain helps me feel just something, anything. and as someone who's in their 30′s, I know it something I shouldn't be doing. I wish you never walked out of my life. I wish you were here with me because my thought scare me and when I was with you, I felt my safest. I miss you, still after all this time, all this heartache... I just want to see you, hear your voice, feel your warmth.. but I know, that will never happen. 

im here because im currently living a life that im a stranger with. im hoping I let all of what I have to say out here, even though im sure no one will come to read this, im hoping to find peace. 

[daybydaygrowth]

I get way too sensitive when I get attached to someone. I can detect the slightest change in the tone of their voice, and suddenly I’m spending all day trying to figure out what I did wrong.

Brandon Stanton, Humans of New York (via thelovejournals)

Me currently

[daybydaygrowth]

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Paul Rudd shot by Joyce Lee at BuzzFeed LA. 

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