dayswithoutdes

[dayswithoutdes]

Taehyungie is THE best.

funniest taehyung moments of 2021

[dayswithoutdes]

December TWENTY-TWENTY-ONE

Three years.

Three years since my last post.

They say a lot can happen in a year, but even more so when it's 3x that.

Des from December 2018. I remember you. Fondly? Not quite.

2018 was the year of Firsts. All of those damn firsts after losing my son Silas. All the what-ifs burned into my memory.

To top off the cake, when I was already feeling so low - my beloved Beagle Daisy passed away the same month she turned 11 years old. And after that I said fuck it. Fuck everything.

I quit my well paying bio-tech job (I was a buyer so nothing too fancy) and I bought an $800 annual pass to Disneyland and just grieved.

Grieved the life I thought I should have been living. Grieved the fact that I was a mom yet no kid to physically prove that to the world. Grieved the fact that my fur baby and biggest companion had just said goodbye.

Too many fucking goodbyes.

I was in agony.

BUT I was also trying towards becoming me again. I knew then that I couldn't be the me before all this loss swallowed me up and spat me out. Sticky and a mess on the floor. But I knew I needed to pick myself up. Gather what was left of who I was and find another version of me. Even if just for prosperity.

Each day I was not living. But merely surviving. But I can tell you that surviving and living begin to look and feel the same and the minutes, hours, days, weeks, months and years they all go by the same.

2019 brought new change. Not only was I back in school to finish my Business Administration degree (still not quite there), I was actually getting A's in Math which is a first for me. I was working out my junior college at the same time and slowly acclimating myself with people and finding my new normal. But alas new normals don't always stick and I had to stop going to school for what feels like the bajillion time, so that I could finally get an apartment with my husband.

I quit school and my part-time job and got a job at Google. Before you think, damn that's fancy - I worked at the medical facility contracted with Google by boy was it fun. But before starting there, I went one last time to Disneyland in March of 2019 (who knew that it would be my last before a stupid virus took over the world).

April 2019 I started my new job.

May 2019 We move into our 1st apartment.

May 2019 I went on my very first business trip to another state (Arizona) for the same job.

May 2019 A week later, I too my surprise, find out that after 14 months of infertility (second infertility and grieving is a bitch) that I am PREGNANT.

June 2019 This is my birthday month but also the month that three days before my birthday I lost Silas. My biggest thing was I couldn't wait to be pregnant and celebrate my birthday and in 2017 I was robbed of that. So silently without anyone knowing the news yet, we had a small celebration to celebrate Silas and my birthday and praying, every day praying that the baby inside of me would be able to celebrate with us for many years to come.

July 2019 we go to visit our best friend in San Diego and surprise him with our news, we're going to have another baby. Were we terrified to share the news outloud after what happened with Silas, yes, but also we wanted to remain hopeful and not rob our baby of celebrating them. Regardless of what the outcome would be.

October 2019 I'm put on bedrest and I have a rescue cerclage placed to keep my cervix from opening to soon again.

November 23 2019 I go into active labor, cervix is still sewn shut and cerclage doing it's job but little baby girl wants out.

November 24 2019 Our daughter Marley is born - 9 weeks early but she's perfect. I don't get time with her after birth because she's rushed to the NICU immediately.

39 days in the NICU. No big complications at all. Our daughter is the definition of resilience and strength.

January 2 2020 we get to take her home.

March 2020 The world shuts down because of the pandemic. We're scared because we have a newborn but also grateful to have Dad home with us for the first few months of Marley at home.

We all know how this pandemic is going so no need to recap.

But in between, there was a lot of learning, a lot of growing, a lot of NOT sleeping but also a lot of love.

My grief is still with me. I can be elated for the baby I have in my arms and grieve the baby I wish was with us still.

Marley is the sweetest little girl. She was recently diagnosed as globally delayed. We definitely account the pandemic for her lack of interaction with people and lack of awareness of the world.

But also having her diagnosed on the spectrum is more a blessing than a curse. We now know what we need to do to help her be able to communicate in this terrifying world.

A lot of time has passed. I'm sure I didn't capture a lot of things but to me those are the biggest highlights since my last post.

All is well and all is not. That's a life of a griever. I am blessed either way. Hope you all are surviving each day and still holding love in your hearts for better days ahead.

[dayswithoutdes]

December

So here we are. Last month of 2018. 

I wish I had better news to update. In fact, just when my husband and I thought we’d finally got our heads above water... the next shoe drops.

Before Silas passed away, when I was almost 5 months along, I decided it would be easier for my husband and I to move back in with my parents in effort to make things “easier” on me for when Silas was due to come along that November. I barely had a little over a month with Silas after we moved in before I found out that I had a incompetent cervix and subsequently went into premature labor and said hello and goodbye to my first born. My son Silas.

As the last post reads, it’s almost been one full year that my husband and I have been trying to conceive. I’m 30 and 1/2 now and I’m not ashamed to admit, I’m struggling with infertility after my son passed away June of 2017. My heart hurts and I’m so confused because my son, to me will always be a miracle. Also because we conceived him within trying the first month.

A little before Thanksgiving, my parents told me that the landlord of the house is planning to move back in. Their house had burned down in the fires in LA. We need to move out by 12/31. Sigh. Also my parents didn’t factor in my husband and I in their plans to find a new place for themselves. So here we are struggling to find an affordable apartment. Which is near impossible in the Silicon Valley on a single salary.

The only good news is, I’m doing really well in school. 100% in my Algebra class and a 99% in my Business Law class. I’m definitely on my way to finishing my associates degree for Business Administration.

I just wanted to take a moment to put it out there that I will not be discouraged. My husband and I have been through the worst possible and we’ve come out of it stronger. I’m hoping we get the apartment that’s building out and that we’ll be able to start the new year on a great note! 

Cheers to surviving and keeping our head up. Thank you next, 2018!

[dayswithoutdes]

October

Hello Tumblr,

It’s been a while. 

I’ve been wrapped up in continuing my college education. Determined to get my associates degree in Business Administration & transfer so I can get my Bachelors as well.

This year has been another tough one. Trying to figure out who I am after losing Silas and trying to keep my head up.

Also, this is the first time I’ve experienced infertility. And that in itself is a challenge.

BUT even though I am defeated. I still have hope. I’ll still hope that by some beautiful miracle my husband and I will conceive again before the end of the year but as the months count down, it’s a slim chance. But even in that statement the word chance is there. I’ll take it!

So for now Tumblr, I hope whoever reads this, whatever challenges they’re facing, battles they have either won or loss, loved ones who are no longer with you... I hope you know you’ve made it this far. Who cares if it has been graceful or not. You are not alone. You will get through this. We all will be ok.

[dayswithoutdes]

June

And just like that, it’s that time already.

June.

It used to be my favorite month. I mean it is my birthday month after all & it’s the start of Summer.

But as of last year, it’s also the month my son Silas was born too early and subsequently passed away... 3 days before my birthday.

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t haven’t a hard time. I still feel as broken as I did that day. But I’m making strides in what seems and feels like baby steps, but I’m getting there one day at a time.

First step was quitting my job. My mental health has taken a huge hit. I need to take care of myself.

Second step was me enrolling back into junior college and finishing my AA and figuring out that I may possibly want to pursue a degree in Business Administration. 

But what also seems like a setback is the fact that I’m struggling with conceiving after the loss of my son. This makes me feel even more worthless. With Silas, I conceived in less than two months. It’s been half a year actively trying and let’s just say I’m failing miserably at that too. I’m wondering if it’ll never happen again for me and that hurts.

I wonder if me feeling “broken” really means I am broken and that terrifies me because I’d love to be a mother who can carry her child in her arms and not just in her heart.

Writing this all out always makes me feel better, but just like Stacy Orico sang, “There’s gotta be more to life than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me.” 

Here’s to hoping that one day somewhere down the line I’ll be able to write better news. Happier things. One day.

[dayswithoutdes]

Breathe.

I was watching the second season finale of This is Us and they said something along the lines of how grief is like taking a breath, and never letting it go.

I’ve been so negative these past few months. Just harboring all the bad vibes and drowning myself in guilt and anguish.

My health is paying for it now.

So I wanted to make a point and put this out into the universe. Today, I’m breathing in all my sadness, grief and failure & letting it go, completely.

And if you don’t know me, or know what I’ve been through, you’re probably rolling your eyes and saying how dramatic this all seems.

It’s not so easy to let go, yes that’s true. But I can choose to take better care of myself. I can choose not to let the loss of my son define who I am. I can choose to not feel guilty to be happy and healthy again.

I want to choose the light.

[dayswithoutdes]

FML

Sprained my wrist. What else you got for me 2018?

[dayswithoutdes]

Hello 2018, is it me you’re looking for?

Another new year, same me.

2017 was a roller coaster ride for me. Pregnant in the beginning of the year, lost my son due to my late diagnosis of having an incompetent cervix in the middle of the year and getting engaged and married.

I naively hashtagged 2017isOurYear everywhere on social media because I thought it really was going to be a great year for me. It was and wasn’t and I’m just now finding out that I’m ok with that.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m heartbroken. I’ll never know who my son would have been. It kills me. Literally. He had passed away during the birthing process. Too young to have been viable to save his life had he make it past birth. But I held my son in my arms. I kissed his face. I remember his life, all of it and I’m hurt. Hurt he never got a chance. Hurt because my husband will never see his son grow up.

I have a little baby boy angel in Heaven now. One I carry with me in my heart everyday. I’ll miss Silas everyday for the rest of my life, until we’re reunited.

So 2018, you’ve beat me down already. I started the year of with the worst sickness I’ve had in years, the stomach flu. But I’m slowing recovering.

What do I have planned this year. Having my rainbow baby. This is my plan for the year. My only priority. When I get pregnant again, I will do everything in my power to keep this baby safe until full term. My husband and I will have a baby boy or girl we can take home from the hospital. I’m hoping and praying it so.

Other than that 2018, I hope you’re good to my family and friends. I’m looking forward to what adventures, trials, and tribulations you’ll throw at me.

[dayswithoutdes]

You Are Going To Have So Much Success In 2018 (pass it on)

[dayswithoutdes]

Life after loss

Last month, I wrote that I wish I could say things were getting easier.

Today, at almost 6 months after going into preterm labor at 21w5d gestation and being told that my son was still too young, lungs undeveloped and not closer to 24 weeks gestation, he was deemed not viable to basically save his life. The only option I had was to give birth to him, and that’s what I did. I gave birth to a beautiful stillborn son named Silas Samuel Castañeda. Today, I can say that although I have many moments where I ache and I want to scream and cry, it is “getting easier” whatever that means with grief.

I try not to blame myself for what happened. My mind varies with that from day to day. I can hear the frustration in my husbands voice when he tries to for probably the hundredth time explain that i shouldn’t beat myself up about this. He’s been so kind and patient with my grief but he knows I’m not doing well most days. It made me sad to see him struggling to confront me that he was worried about me and said I should seek therapy again.

I don’t disagree with him. My heart and my mind and ultimately my soul, feels absolutely shattered. Almost irreparable. Keyword being ALMOST.

There’s that constant reminder that regardless of all the pain, life still goes on. I see that as a blessing and a curse. A blessing because I should very well cherish the fact that I am alive. I have a roof over my head. A great job. Money to provide myself with what I need and most importantly a loving and supportive husband and a family who lifts me up through all of my despair.

But it’s a double edge sword. Some days it’s so difficult. Knowing that my son wasn’t even given a chance. He was the definition of perfect health and unbeknownst to his naive parents and doctors, his mother had a condition where her cervix was too weak to carry a child. This fact is second to all the pain I feel. The first is knowing there’s a higher being who decided that I should live without my first child. I’m sure all mothers who have lost a child know that there is nothing more internally agonizing than losing a child and outliving them.

My husband prays for our family, each night he does this. He prays that God bless our son in Heaven, may he know that his parents and his dog who he would have very much loved, loves him unconditionally. He closes this prayer with hope one day, Silas would have a sibling that his mommy and daddy can raise one day.

I have so much hope but I have so much fear in that hope. It’s funny how I have always told my peers that I felt like I could not bare a child. And to my complete excitement, when I got pregnant with Silas, that fear slipped away but only momentarily until when it was too late, my dreams and my husbands dreams for our son were taken away with the words “Incompetent Cervix.” It’s cruel to be able to bare a child but know that your body cannot sustain it’s life. This innocent being, created by the love of two people, a true miracle... not given a chance because your body wasn’t fit to be what you’ve been told it was made to do.

It hurts. It really hurts me. Especially when you see women who have so many kids. I can’t help but ask myself, why is it easier for them and so much more difficult for me. I don’t want to be a victim, even though I play the role too damn well. I have to remind myself that I don’t know their story. I don’t know their struggle. I cannot compare my life to theirs. One is not like the other. Nor should it ever be.

This is where I find growth in my loss. I want to kick and scream and shout at everyone. I want to be ONLY in my grief and never to move on. BUT, I know that this is not the direction I want to move forward in. I shouldn’t want this for myself, the life of constant punishment wielded by my worst enemy. Myself. I choose light and love and hopes and dreams and maybe someday this will all work out for me.

Because if I don’t than where would I be. What would I do and how disappointed would my son be.

So I get up everyday, even though I want to lay in bed and never leave. I get dressed and head to work, a job that is too many miles away from home but pays me well. I come home to parents who have raised me, I am their child. I come home to a husband who choose to love me and stick by me through the highs and low and I’ve come to the conclusion that though my faith isn’t what it used to be, I feel a little more closer to God and search for the understanding and clarity for the path he’s chosen for me. I should be blessed and honored that I live my life and that God only gives us what we can handle and beyond that I should know that he is greater than the highs and lows.

For all the women out there living life after the loss of their child. Regardless of what stage of grief you’re in or however young or old your child was, I stand with you. I love you and somehow we’ll all get through this. One day at a time.

[dayswithoutdes]

I wish I could write that things were getting easier, but they’re not. In the space of time that I had carried my son in my womb, that same space of time [5] months has gone by again. The emptiness left behind is torturing. The only solace I have in this all is Silas’ father, my husband. He gently reminds me that it’s okay to feel broken, be broken and that no matter how far I fall, he’ll be there to help me stand back up. Every time.

[dayswithoutdes]

Tomorrow will be 4 months since I said hello and goodbye to my son Silas at 21w5d gestation. My due date would have been next week.

I’m doing as good as I can be given the situation.

But boy does my heartache. How can you will away wanting your son. How do you function knowing each milestone will come and go and he’s not around for them. There was never a point in my pregnancy with Silas that I didn’t want him. In fact, I wanted him so much. I prayed every night for him to be safe. This is the forever agonizing feeling of being a grieving mother.

I met with a Perinatologist a few days ago. To figure out a road map, a game plan if you will for a future pregnancy. He was very kind but he said the one thing that made my heart drop. You’re not a candidate for a elective cerclage. And just like that the fear sunk into me. What do you mean I’m not a candidate? I have a son buried under ground and not alive and well in my arms. I wanted to scream this but instead I sat there in shock as he told me the reasons why.

He, like many other MFM’s believe that 2/3 of women with a history such as mine can go through a subsequent pregnancy after loss without a cerclage and make it to viability and beyond that to full term. Not alone of course. With the help of Progesterone shots. He said that they would start me on the shots at 16 weeks. It would be weekly until 36 weeks. And if and when my cervix starts to shorten before 24 weeks, THEN I would be a candidate for a ultrasound indicated cerclage.

I want to trust in him. He’s very educated. Very kind. Explained his reasoning behind why he chose this plan for me. But how are you going to tell a grieving mom who lost her son during her very first pregnancy that you won’t do the stitch? So many Incompetent Cervix mom’s who have experienced loss have SWORN that their stitch is what helped them have their rainbow babies.

And I’m here wishing that I could have a baby of my own. I miss my son. NO child after him will be him and I wish things were different but I would like to be a mom with a living child. I want that.

So sue me if I feel like I’m going into this having the strongest feeling that whenever I do get pregnant (he wants me to wait until March to try conceiving again) that precious little baby won’t even have a chance. Just like his or her brother didn’t have a chance because of my cervical insufficiency. I DO NOT want to bring another baby into this world just for them to become an angel.

I’m scared. Terrified. BUT there are medical facts on his side that back him up and the shots are proven to help prevent preterm labor. So I’ll try it but at anytime I feel like this isn’t going to bode well in my favor, I’m going to demand a cerclage.

i just want to be able to not be a prisoner of my own body. A body that was born too weak to sustain life.

I want Silas’ life to not have been for nothing because he’s my whole world. A mother’s love is like no other and though he’s gone, I can’t wait to be with him again. One day, in Heaven and feel whole again.

[dayswithoutdes]

[dayswithoutdes]

Fuck - I’m a mess today. I just miss my son.

It’s been three months since I had to say hello and goodbye in the same moment to Silas. I wish more than anything that I could say I was thirty-four weeks and six days pregnant with him, instead of mourning three whole months without him.

Saying I feel empty inside is more than an understatement and is literally and physically how I feel.

I wish I knew what Gods plans were for me because I’m struggling. I’m trying to have faith. Trying so hard. But feeling kind of hopeless. The ache in my heart is definitely more prominent today. And with every milestone missed and observed. It’s extremely difficult to be thrown into the role of a childless mother. I wouldn’t wish it upon ANYONE.

I miss Silas, E V E R Y D A Y. But I’m also trying my best to hold it together and be strong. I wouldn’t want my son to think he’s causing me so much pain when in fact, it’s because of him I know so much love. Even through the loss.

Today I’m a mess - and I’m ok with that. The waves are higher today. That just happens. I’ll make it through to the other side. A little shaken, always forever changed, but I’ll be there to pick myself up and carry on. My son would want me to be strong.

[dayswithoutdes]

Days without you

It’s funny how my social media handle is DaysWithoutDes. I created it based off of a slogan generator during the Myspace era where you entered your name and a tag line was created for you. “A Day Without Des is Like a Day Without Sunshine.”

Since losing my sun, I don’t find it humorous anymore because I live ever day without him.

Like today when I wondered how far along I still would have been had I not been the 1% of women who have cervical incompetency, that would be 32 weeks. In my head I imagine how happy I would be to be in the long stretch. I’d almost be close to delivering and probably lament at feeling so big and hoping to get the baby out soon.

It’s those feelings that normal mothers to be would get that I didn’t and that alone tortures me.

I know I’m not supposed to let myself sit in those emotions but I’ve been grieving for over two months. I’m not going to apologize for how I feel because I’ve been through the worst possible hell there is. Losing a child.

I’m a mother without her baby. What makes me so sad is that the statistics for a women to have an incompetent cervix is 1 in 100; 1%. You look it up on Google and it says it’s RARE. But it happened to me. This is my life now.

I want to be positive about my future. I want to be able to move forward. But a part of me feels like I’m being punished. A part of me feels like if I move forward, the five months I carried Silas in my stomach, vanishes and would be like it never happened. Every day that passes pushes the day I lost him behind and that makes me more sad.

They say Grief comes in waves. I thought mine have been steady but the first week back to work has been trying. The waves are so high and I fell apart again, of course at night and in the comfort of my own bed, clingy to my husband letting the grief completely consume me.

At work you get the, oh welcome back! How was your birth? How’s the baby? Those are from the people who knew I was pregnant and obviously didn’t know me personally enough to know I was no where near my due date. Then you get the How’s your pregnancy going? You’re not showing? Those are from the ones that knew me a little bit more.

But it’s never easy to say, Oh I lost the baby. I have a condition that’s called incompetent cervix and it’s going to be hard for me to carry a baby to full term.

I put on a very brave front. I don’t like showing weakness in front of my peers let alone the ones I work with. But it’s like I’m a walking advertisement for a broken women. A grieving young mom.

I miss my son. I’ll miss him for the rest of my life. The fact of my condition is, I’m terrified to try and conceive again because of it. I, from what I know, have no problem conceiving, it’s just carrying to full term is my issue. In my head, I don’t want to risk another innocent life. Another innocent, precious and perfect product of myself and my husband - just for me to kill them. Yes I know it’s blunt. But that’s how I feel. I DO NOT want to try because my body isn’t capable on it’s own to carry that baby to full term. Then it makes me wonder why God gave me a body that wouldn’t be able to give life. God gave me the opposite.

I say this because I was raised Catholic but do not practice it religiously. When I found out I was expecting though I found a baby prayer on Pinterest to say every night to comfort me and hope that God and that higher power would hear my prayers.

The prayer went like this:

Bless me lord for a new life lives within me Allow me to carry this infant in my body without danger or pain Grace us with a healthy child rich in spirit and joy We thank you God for the miraculous creation we have conceived of our love for this precious life I carry May this new being travel on wings of kindness May our love always be with this Child. Amen

I write this out from memory because I said it every night for 5 months.

What do I have to show for it?

Now saying I won’t be able to carry to full term is a lie. There is a procedure that can be done in the event my husband and I do wish to conceive again. I would have to have a cerclage placed on my cervix. It is a surgery in which they would go in and stitch my cervix so that it would ideally hold the baby in until I’m ready to deliver full term. The success rate of an elective cerclage is 80% to 90%. Sounds like the odds are greater right? I’m skeptical when it comes to stats now because again, I fall into that 1% rare chance of having a short cervix.

You’re reading this and thinking I’m being rather negative. I want to be positive, I want to hope that I can bring a living child into this world. I’m just hurt. And scared. With that being said, my husband and I have decided to meet with a Perinatologist to see how we would fair trying to conceive again.

I do not see my pregnancy with Silas as for nothing. Silas brought so much joy into my, he still does because I love him more than anything, and anyone. Had I not been pregnant with him, I would have never known about this condition. My hope is that if I do become pregnant again, that I’ll be able to carry as close to full term as I can get. I hope that the cerclage will be placed and I will have no complications with it and that it will do it’s job and hold my cervix together.

I’d hope to give Silas a little brother or sister. A rainbow baby. One that would know that their big brother’s life wasn’t wasted. My sweet angel baby.

In all my grief and heartache - I’m trying to look towards the future and be hopeful. But as of right now I’m just trying to get by day by day.

[dayswithoutdes]

Silas

Dear Silas,

It’s been two months and ten days since the last time I carried you in my tummy. You my baby boy know out of everyone in this world how sad I’ve been without you. You were only 21 weeks and 5 days gestational age. Though you had passed during the process of birth, when I held you in my arms... words cannot describe how incredible happy and sad I was.

Happy because I got to meet you, hold you in my arms, and call you by your name. I got to kiss your little cheeks and nose before I had to say goodbye. I’ve been fighting with myself over the guilt of not being able to carry you full term. How is it that a condition I knew nothing about, could change my life forever. Take you away from me.

Silas, I loved you for every moment of your life and I will love you for every moment of mine. Life isn’t fair. I wish things were different. Your daddy and I have been trying to figure out what our lives are now without you. We had all these hopes and dreams for you, for each other and for our family.

I miss you every single day. There literally is not a day that goes by that I don’t think about you. Long for you. Wish I could be with you.

My grief comes in waves, sometimes they’re small but most days they’re so high it’s like I’m drowning but I always make it through the other side.

I will never be able to understand why this happened to you. I wish I could have changed it. I wish I could have willed my body to be what a mother should be able to do for her baby and carry you to full term.

The what-if’s are what keep me awake at night.

Your daddy & I got married before we had your funeral. We all have the same last name and that alone gives me some peace of mind.

Silas, my sweet baby boy, I love you more than anything and anyone in this world. I know I only got to hold you in my arms for a short while but I am looking forward to the day we reunite and when we do, I will gather you in my arms and this time I’ll never let go.

I hope you’re being a good boy in heaven, I love you, Your Mommy

[dayswithoutdes]

To my baby, I’ll do all that I can

Dear sweet baby boy,

The doctors told me you are growing perfectly. I on the other hand may not be able to carry you to full term. Though I will fight and try my best to do so. You see, Mommy’s doctor told me that I have a short cervix. Which I have never been notified of before. What this means is my cervix may not be able to keep you in my tummy safely. I know this sounds scary. Believe me your Daddy & I are so worried. What breaks my heart the most is you’re all innocent in this. You’re doing your job of growing and being healthy and now Mommy has to work extra hard to make sure you stay inside my tummy until it’s a good time for you to come out. I still have 18 weeks and 2 days until your estimated due date and I promise you baby boy, I’m going to try and keep you in there for as long as possible. Having a short cervix is not ideal. BUT at least they caught it and hopefully the medication will be delivered soon so I can start on it and if that doesn’t work we’ll try the cerclage and I will try everything else. Hang in there baby and let’s hope my water doesn’t break anytime soon. I’m excited to meet you but I want to be able to meet you when you’re good and ready and baby it’s way too earlier for any of that right now so please be patient. I’m going to do my best to make things better and just know that your Daddy & I we love you and we want you more than anything else.

Forever my baby you’ll be, I love you, Your Mommy