deadbeatfox

[deadbeatfox]

I hope when death finds me it feels like my father carrying me to bed from the car while I'm asleep.

[deadbeatfox]

im gonna block everyone and shoot myself in the head

[deadbeatfox]

There's a voice gnawing in my head.

It's getting louder and louder every day.

Telling me I should kill myself.

[deadbeatfox]

Please... Please come back..

I understand. I understand it's my fault for pushing you away. I understand that I deserve it.

[deadbeatfox]

I LOVE YOU FOX, PLEASE FEEL BETTER

I love you too?

[deadbeatfox]

.

I'll be honest, a part of me deep down wishes I died when I crashed.

[deadbeatfox]

Every time I close my eyes I imagine a hundred ways id die.

Then I open them and I'm still alive...

Maybe next time.

[deadbeatfox]

the most embarrassing thing I've ever done was beg and cry over a person leaving me. but I've learned from it.

lately, even more people have been leaving, and I've been holding the door wide open for them.

[deadbeatfox]

The fear of abandonment isn’t just about people leaving, it’s the gut-wrenching belief that you aren’t worth staying for.

[deadbeatfox]

None of this would’ve been an issue if I just killed myself at 16

[deadbeatfox]

Please, tell me how can I stop doing everything wrong.

How can I stop being in survival mode and feeling like everyone is against me?

[deadbeatfox]

The wonderful thing about this, the anonymity, is that if I do it right nobody will ever know about this account. I can scream into this endless void.

It just, sucks, sometimes, sometimes I want to tell someone, to vent to rant without then knowing who I am, without them knowing anything behind this persona that is this account.

Sometimes I want to feel listened to.

[deadbeatfox]

I wish you never met me. I think your life would've been so much better.

[deadbeatfox]

Oh what an unlovable thing I've become.

[deadbeatfox]

I'm sorry if you never hear from me again.

I promise I was trying til the very end.

[deadbeatfox]

Welcome back to another episode of Fox wishes it was dying in a ditch rn :D

[deadbeatfox]

God. Does it sometimes suck to express vulnerability then be treated like a rabid dog, like someone who needs to be coddled.

I hate it.

Why can't I tell someone I'm upset and still be treated the same ? Why do they suddenly keep pushing it onto me to find out how I am and stuff, I get it they care, but oh my god is it too much sometimes.

Like, I suddenly can't talk about anything because people will find a way to link it to me being depressed, I can't joke around or anything anymore.