dazedandconfusedin

[dazedandconfusedin]

This is it.

08012017 Final post. Why? Because the last thing I posted was too raw and personal. Because I have to admit that I don't need this anymore, not like I used to. Because being this honest with strangers on the internet is no longer comfortable.

[dazedandconfusedin]

A New Wave.

06222017

It’s been almost 5 months. I’m beginning to think perhaps I no longer need this blog? I’ve been keeping it since like 2009 in some form or another. But updating it a few times a year seems ridiculous. Anyway. Here it goes:

Some how, I’m still dating that dude. I’m not sure how. There were several times in the last 5 months where I thought “okay, maybe it is ending.” But nope. He even got a new visa, so that is off the table. Note: I was relieved.

Do I like him. Yes. Did I say the other l word? Yes, back in march. Note: he did not respond, and I never said it again.

That just made me LOL. So yeah, still dating only. He’s lovely regardless. Has a messy bathroom, and hates to do dishes, and pretty introverted. But I somehow have little to no problem with these things. In the off chance that he ever reads this, I hope this never ends.

I ran my second half marathon. In another country (Canada. Yes, the prodigal daughter returns. I’m so sorry I dated that loser, but I still love you, Toronto!) Alone. It was scary but familiar. I basically ran down Yonge Street to Lake Ontario. I loved it, I hated it. I said I’ll never do it again, but I know I will. That’s running for you.

I had surgery. Yes, finally. The alien I have been carrying around since like 2013 was finally extracted. I’m hoping this means I’m well prepared to get in one or two offspring right under the wire of my 30s since I’m now in the middle. Smack dab.

Surgery itself was not as bad as I thought it would be. The anticipation of surgery was the suck. Post-op was much, much better than anticipated. In fact, that’s where I am now. I went full dark, no stars, and used half my sick leave so that I could be off work for 3 weeks and get paid. It has been glorious. This is actually and sadly the longest vacation I’ve ever had in life. And it all ends Tuesday. 3 week vacation, I will never forget you.

Leading up to the surgery, a frenemy was revealed.  text just to let me know that there was a possibility that I could get cancer from it and die like a woman a week prior. Needless to say, that bitch is no longer my friend. She’s getting the respect any horrible person deserves: a slow fade.

And the surgery revealed new, true friends. Well, old friends. Two women who gave me moral support. One who took the entire day off to be there for me after my surgery, and until almost midnight. Somehow I never thought I'd have friends like that again, but here I am, 35, and I finally have an additional two.

The guy I am dating was at a conference. I am still annoyed by that. He did slightly redeem himself by going with me on post--op day 4 to get my dog from the kennel.

I also gave him a bomb birthday celebration a couple days pre-op. He gave me so many shows and movies to watch while I’m in recovery/on vacation.

I did not tell anyone in my family about the surgery, and I don’t plan to. I tried to get a sister to be here for me. She said she would. But a month prior she bailed. As usual. I’m over it. I realize that friends can be the family you want and need.

You know what? I'm ok. Not sure why I’m so surprised.

[dazedandconfusedin]

Almighty Gosh!

February, 6, 2017:

Today I am officially 35, and I’m enjoying the day off of work. But yesterday, I had the best pre-birthday ever. I got to go out for Indian food with N.

It was a great evening. Smiles for miles! :)

[dazedandconfusedin]

32 Flavors.

“...Women are like fires, like flames. Some women are like candles, bright and friendly. Some are like single sparks, or embers, like fireflies for chasing on summer nights. Some are like campfires, all light and heat for a night and wiling to be left after. Some women are like hearthfires, not much to look at but underneath they are all warm red coal that burns a long, long while. [Some are like] waterfall[s] of spark pouring off a sharp iron edge that God is holding to the grindstone. You can’t help but look, can’t help but want it. You might even put your hand to it for a second. But you can’t hold it. She’ll break your heart...”

-Deoch in “The Name of the Wind” by Patrick Rothfuss

That’s me, and I’m okay with that. 

[dazedandconfusedin]

Girls Can Tell.

He wants to know my birthday, but doesn’t want to hang out. Why do you think that is? 

[dazedandconfusedin]

My Heart Got Caught on Your Sleeve.

It’s January 9. I’m teleworking today, and I start work in less than 15 minutes.

About two days ago, I changed the subtitle to “ascending through the fog of (young?) adulthood” from “ascending through the fog of young adulthood” because I’m 34, going to be 35 next month, and I don’t know if I’m still considered a young adult after 35.

My running has fallen completely flat. I had a running buddy, but she is lazy and flaky. And a little racist. She got engaged like three months ago, and it was a wrap. She started acting racist (Started talking to me about how illegals need to stop breaking the law and come here legally and then there would be no problems! Oh and reverse racism!) and also suddenly decided yes, she’d live in Baltimore if her husband has a job there (even though she’s grown up in this suburb of Baltimore her entire life, and called my own apartment housing for low income folks). She’s getting married in SEPTEMBER for Christ’s sake, but she can’t run any races this year because she is getting married. Oh, but she needs to lose 30 pounds by the summer so she can get into a wedding dress she ordered a couple of sizes too small. Ugh...

I had an okay week. Put my car in the shop, have a rental, car should be ready Friday (fingers crossed). I thought for sure my boyfriend would want to hang out this past weekend, but nope. It kind of worked out since we had snow, and even though it was only like 3 inches, I did not trust the Nissan Versa hatchback I’m in this week.

He doesn’t drive, and he’d have to get a Zipcar. He is busy. He has a laundry list of papers to write. Bob Loblaw. I texted him anyway. I got used to his limited replies. The only thing that made him interested in a discussion was his favorite CD that he let me borrow. I started feeling resentful. In a past relationship, I felt like things were one-sided, too. I am the common denominator. But am I alone really the cause for this? I saw him three times the week before, and this week nothing. Unfortunately, this pattern began to mess with my head. So, yesterday I started thinking the best thing I can do is go back to having my own life sans boyfriend. Which does not mean “it’s over”. I just need to get back to having things to fill my weekends that don’t include this guy.

I did obsessively watch some YouTube videos about giving dudes space, and why not saying up front what you want out of relationship is best. And then I realized that as much as men try to make it like WOMEN run the world (including relationships), that’s a bald-faced lie.

If women did run shit, there would be more advice out there empowering women, not making them figure out the best way to react to men’s whims (so I need to be able to read his “signals” that he needs space, but he’s never going to ever be expected to be able to read my signals that I don’t have to love his favorite band?). Yes, my dear, men run this shit. All day, every day. And people who say they don’t are lying to themselves. Not unlike racist and closeted racist white folks saying that they are being reverse discriminated against. When with one election they can make all of their racist dreams come true, and all people of color are at their mercy.

[dazedandconfusedin]

A Glimpse of Possible Endings.

12/30/2016

Here I am. The almost end of another year. It’s been wonderful and also horrible. The election really sunk things. The news about a childhood acquaintance who was found dead (and his brother still missing) was equally bad. And on Wednesday, 12/28, as I was rushing to be by my boyfriend’s side in his time of need (LOL just typing that grandiosity), I wrecked the right rear side of my car by scraping it on the corner of the parking garage wall to avoid hitting another car. I was in such shock by that, that I did not have a normal freak out until like 3 in the morning. But despite all that, even the self-inflicted wreck that will cost me close to $4,000 (deep breaths)...I think I’m ending the year on a decent note still.

Let’s recap, shall we? Last year I got 10/15...It’s resolution time (new resolutions will follow the list below):

1. Hiking 1-2 x/month: Hahahahaha! Maybe twice the entire year, if that.   2. More clean eating: For the first 6 months of the year, go pescatarian.  I did this for a little over 3 months. I broke it with a trip to Kansas City because there was no way I was not having KC BBQ. I learned that I like fish after all, but I’m never cutting out meat again unless it is medically necessary. I became lactose intolerant after getting rid of all dairy...yeah, never cutting it out again, either (I’m just now drinking it again, and most is lactase-added milk) unless medically necessary. 3. Continue to elevate fitness momentum:. I accomplished much considering I don’t feel like I was consistent: I continued with one running group, joined another, ran my first 5 miler, firt 10k, AND my first half marathon. I did not do more weights. And I did less yoga this year than the last two years. 4. Put myself “out there” by asking out one person a month. I didn’t do this at all. I did quit online dating earlier in the year, and then decided to give it a try again in August. I went with a free site (OkCupid) and I asked out multiple people, and I also got asked out a few times through the site. Only two actual dates resulted, and one of them resulted with me having an actual connection with a shockingly decent person who is now....my boyfriend of 2 months (officially we have been dating 3 months, and we just communicated by phone for 1 month; so I’ve known him for 4 total). He is actually a beautiful person with a lovely mind, and I hope this turns into something. 5. Travel home once, some place new once, and some place old once. I went home for my sister’s wedding in June, I went to Missouri for a business trip in April, and I traveled back to New York with a group of ladies from my running group for my half marathon in Brooklyn in October (that’s a twofer since I’ve actually never been to Brooklyn before the half). 6. Continue to choose to be happy more often. I definitely did this. I feel like I’m very happy compared with previous years, even with my imperfections. 7. Go to the beach…didn’t do this at all last year. I never made it to the beach. 8. Continue to make new friends, continue to try to keep the old. I definitely did this, platonic and romantic. (Hello, boyfriend! I like saying that!) This year I sent holiday cards to all of the people I care about (that celebrate) via mail. 9. Move (again). I did move again, but I decided to stay in my job for now. 10. Add more to my small nest egg and make a plan with retirement savings. I’m really trying. It’s difficult. 11. Pay down at least 1 of last two credit cards by at least half. This did not happen, but I did pay of two credit cards. I still have the two big two left, and a third where I tried to do something right, but I’m thinking I may have effed myself inadvertently. I did pay off one student loan! Go me! 12. Initiate return to civilian, private or non-profit sector. I feel like I’ve initiated my return by surviving to year 5 and by applying to civilian, private sector jobs. Fuck That Shit Day was great. I transferred to a better job, still in the same building and still federal. But my commute is better. I hope to get a part-time job next year that will grease the wheels to prep me for civilian work life again. And help me pay off some debt. 13. Continue to listen/observe more and talk less. I did okay with this. 14. Enter onederland, for the first time since I was in my mid-20s. This eluded me again. I really, really, want to do this one next year.

7/14 is still not bad. 34 was awesome and amazing. I grew despite any challenges. I love my 30s! Next year I’ll be 35, so I’m not sure I can call myself a young adult anymore. Maybe just adult now?

2017 Carryover Resolutions:

1. Elevate fitness momentum.

2. Travel home once, some place new once, and some place old once.

3. Continue making new friends and keeping the old.

4. Go to the beach.

5. Continue saving (short and long term) and planning for retirement (long term).

6. Reduce debt by paying off one credit card with a large balance.

7. Proceed with easing into civilian life, knowing I can LEAVE MY FEDERAL JOB WHENEVER THE FUCK I WANT, WOO-FUCKING-HOO!!!!!!!

8. Enter onederland, for the first time since I was in my mid-20s.

2017 New Resolutions:

9. Contribute to the success of this relationship with my frenchy boyfriend.

10. Live shamelessly, love fiercely, and choose happiness.

I’m writing this today because tomorrow I plan to be spending New Year’s Eve with someone who has encouraged me to slow down and enjoy the view and who likes me as I am. All considered, I am quite content.

To myself: I love you, and you are loved.

[dazedandconfusedin]

Something About You

So, I really like this man. He has been out of the country for the last two weeks, visiting his family. I probably think about him every other hour. I want to say the “magic” words, but I stop myself because I’m not sure if he is there. And I don’t want to fuck this up by being presumptuous. He’ll be back in 3 days, but then there’s jet lag and just work, life, and routine. Realistically, I probably won’t see him until this time next week.

He bought me a Christmas gift. But I’m waiting to open it when he returns. The shape of the box says it’s jewelry, probably a necklace of some sort. I’m not the kind of person that can receive a gift and not reciprocate, despite my lack of observance of Christmas. I got him a scarf and a mug, the latter of which I hope is identical to his favorite mug that shattered.

I wish things were more explicit. Trying to find someone to couple up with shouldn’t be so complicated.

[dazedandconfusedin]

I have to discuss this election. We’re just over a month out, and this is truly a tragedy.

 Chris Rock and Dave Chapelle said it best: this election is the result of decisions made by an essentially small cohort of people who decided that someone's emails were more important than the personal safety, rights, and dignity of others.

Q: If you had to choose, would you choose a solid poo or diarrhea? A: Oh, it doesn't matter, poo is poo.

This is in fact the argument the "all politicians lie" and "he's not doing anything other politicians do" folks are making. But there is a difference. Poo isn't fun. If we could avoid poo and still be healthy, we would. However, poo is a necessary evil. And I'd choose solid poo over diarrhea any day of the week. Because diarrhea is a clear symptom of dysfunction in your gut. It ain't healthy. What kind of person would select diarrhea, and then delude themselves into thinking that it's no different from a solid poo? Think about that one. Sure, you're still pooing. But you will not survive continual diarrhea without an intervention.

I mean you have people saying we have a precedent for rounding up people in the Japanese internment of WWII...oh, so that's okay now?? No, hun. Diarrhea is not your average poo.

*rant begins*

We have random people popping off in stores and restaurants and airplanes, ranting about how their vote for Trump validates them somehow and "what are you going to do about it?", like we owe them something. When they know good and gd well that more people in this country voted for the other candidate, and but for all of the liberals either being run out (MS, TX, AR, etc.) or leaving their states (and taking their tax dollars with them I might add, only for these same folks to hold their hands out for federal dollars and then cry bloody murder when god forbid someone else not in their backyard actually needs federal dollars) to be less provincial and to actually compete, the only hope or prayer they ever have of winning elections is the electoral college or outside help (see: Florida c. 2000 and WikiLeaks and Russia and outright lies about things like pizza parlor child porn rings).

We have the soon to be most powerful person in the country who should be selecting members of his cabinet, but somehow has the time to go on Twitter and air his personal beefs. He doesn't have time or need intelligence briefings because he is, you know, a smart person. By being so crass and willfully ignorant, only he can make a decent woman out of America again. LOL

I think the biggest error in all of this though is that the conservatives believe this is it, and things only get better from here. Look as far as country's go, ours is very young. Other countries have been at this rodeo for much longer. If/when we as a country are ever effed in ways we have observed other countries in from our high horse, let's hope that maybe someone will have mercy on us (LOL). We're putting ourselves in a position to be totally exploited, and all in the name of not being PC (code for just wanting to be a general a-hole instead of, you know, civil....see: random people popping off in public places) and wanting all of the US to be like feudal England, or the pre-antebellum South again. When people have low-wage jobs in Toyota plants and can be fired at will for not participating in the Secret Santa (because a desperate and powerless workforce is easiest to control), well, hope you're happy.  

*rant over*

[dazedandconfusedin]

Two of Us on the Run.

My boyfriend and I are up to dates 9-10. Today is Sunday. I saw him Tuesday and Friday/Saturday. He has no Thanksgiving plans, so I invited him over. I may cook a bit, but we’re going to binge on movies and Netflix and Hulu.

My sister invited me to her house in Atlanta for Thanksgiving...Friday. Why she didn’t invite me a month ago so that I could actually make plans, I don’t know. She even said I could bring my boyfriend. I politely declined: I’ve only known him two months...and we’ve only been dating a little over a month. That is way, way too soon. She wants a low-key, low-drama Thanksgiving, so she agreed that’s the right decision.

On one hand, I’d love to drive to ATL with my boyfriend. He hasn’t even been there before (other than flying through the airport). On the other hand, no: I want to hog him all to myself a little while longer.

He shaved his beard, and now he just has a goatee and moustache/van Dyke. He said he’s working toward going clean shaven. I’ll miss being stung by that beard, but whatever he prefers is fine. 

[dazedandconfusedin]

Sad.

I’m still not sure how Donald Trump is president-elect. I wake up every morning sad and fearful. This fades by the end of the day, but...waking up at 2am, thinking that white supremacists and misogynists have basically been given the green light to do their worst isn’t exactly comforting or healthy. 

I believe I officially am in a relationship: we’ve briefly discussed this, and he said he’s not dating anyone else (neither am I) and in fact, hasn’t dated much in the 7 years he’s lived in the area. It’s been a month. I think we’ve been on 7 or 8 dates. Usually movies, twice to the drive-in. 

He’s intelligent, smart, charming, considerate, matter-of-fact, handsome, witty, reads a lot, funny, warm, opinionated, calm, makes me feel comfortable, has a nice smile...he’s also hard to read. 

I have been very direct and made it clear that I like him and we should hang out on a regular basis. We’re averaging 1-2 times a week. I’d love to see him a solid 2-3, but he also lives a 35-minute interstate drive away (a little over 20 miles). 

He spends most of his time working in a lab. He likes prog rock and metal music. He’s originally from France, and he has been a joy to discuss politics with. He has been to my place and I have been to his. I really admire him. I just wish I could spend more time with him. 

This election has made me feel very vulnerable. I last saw him Wednesday morning (came over as the world was going to shit). It’s Saturday. I know. It hasn’t been that long. But he is kind of awesome. I have been of work since midday Wednesday, so that’s one reason why I have been feening. 

And I haven’t ever felt this way before. So after 3 days...I’m lonely. 

[dazedandconfusedin]

Madness.

Okay. 

If a guy you’ve been on 5 dates with (who you happened to meet through an online dating site) deletes his online dating profile...what does that mean? 

Does he want to be exclusive? (Hope so...)

Is he about to ghost? (Please, no...)

Is he seeing someone else? (Ditto...)

Was he just annoyed with getting emails? (If so, I feel you...)

My reaction was to 1) disable/delete my profile, and 2) make a joke about feeling about 15 and telling him I needed to pass him a note in class...without asking about it. I am going to remain cool. Although I really like this guy, if nothing happens, I will be okay.

I have been thinking about shutting my account down since dates 3 and 4. But I didn’t want to say anything. I’m supposed to see him tomorrow (date 6), so I guess I’ll ask him then. 

[dazedandconfusedin]

Born Again Teen

So the nice guy I mentioned, well, he wasn’t so nice. He very quickly eliminated himself with a midnight email to say we weren’t “clicking”. Thank you, nice guy. You surely did me a serious solid. The Ethiopian went ghost. And the guy with the French accent? 

We are now on date 5. 

I feel really comfortable with this guy. I can be myself. He is intelligent and funny. He’s not an aspiring artist, musician, or extreme athlete. He is just enough nerdy and weird. He is just truly captivating. And we are having fun. First, we met at a tea/coffee house. Then a conventional movie and next 3 movies at the drive-in. Followed by a late dinner at one of my favorite places to get a burger in Baltimore. And last night, a concert. 

I don’t know if this will last, but I’m just enjoying it. 

[dazedandconfusedin]

One of These Things First

It's Fuck This Shit Day. I survived 5 years in my shitty job. I am now free to quit whenever the f uck I want, because now I'm guaranteed a (albeit small) retirement check. Last night I had a date with a nice guy. We're going out again next Friday or Saturday. It was only 2 hours and too short to decide if I liked him or not. Thursday I have a date with a guy who I've been texting for over a month who blames his inability to talk on the phone on his native French accent. Hmm. We'll see if he even shows up. He seems interesting, but...I don't know. We'll see what's up Thursday I hope. Another guy I've been texting for a month is playing mad games: telling me to call him but never calling me. Acting interested but never having time to actually go out. I'm going to write him off most likely. Cute or not, I'm too old for games. I'd like to get to the enjoyable parts of meeting people and dating sooner rather than later. Today is my last day physically at the desk of my hateful job since I'm transferring to another area of my agency. I'm kind of stoked. I'm going to like my new place.

[dazedandconfusedin]

Freedom

Today...I completed a half marathon. I know. I can’t believe it either. It took me quite a while, but I survived. 

I got muscle cramps in miles 8-13. Perhaps I should have consumed Gatorade and water. I had these Sport Beans, but I guess it wasn’t enough. I had a PT student in the medical tent stretch me out before we left the venue.

And this weekend I stayed in an AirBnB for the first time. 

And I also visited Brooklyn for the first time ever. 

A lot of firsts!

[dazedandconfusedin]

Gatekeeper.

Well, 4 months later...

...I finally, just this Monday (so 8/29), 5 days after my 1 year anniversary in this job, found out I have found a transfer out. I pray it is an improvement. Perhaps this time I can get interesting work AND normal people.

...I moved to my new place. My commute to and from work is the same: about 40-50 minutes. My quality of life has improved. I am definitely happier. And I love my new building. Thought I’d miss my garage but this communal garage is just fine. 

...I completed physical therapy on my ankle. Now I just have to maintain my gains by doing the exercises.

...I fell behind on my half marathon training. Don’t think I’ll be completing a half marathon this year.

...I started online dating again. I joined OKCupid. At least people actually talk back now, but damn...there is some strange ish on OKCupid. 

...I got rid of many of my belongings so that everything could fit in my much smaller apartment. I don’t regret any of it.

...I started acupuncture and seeing a Chinese medicine practitioner. After my first visit, I felt better than I have in a decade, easily. I go every Thursday, although I missed 4 Thursdays in July and August. I truly feel relaxed after my visits, and back pain I had is completely gone now. 

...my gyno told me I needed to have surgery. I did initiate some steps, but after I tried to comply with a test and her office staff kept changing the time of the appointment, I opted to not return to the practices. So now I have to find a new gyno very soon. But I hope the acupuncture helps me shrink my fibroid somehow. 

...I saw a therapist at work (and learned that any old therapist will not do). She sucked. 

...I am ready to fire all of my doctors and get new ones. My experience in PT and seeing an orthopedic surgeon about my ankle PLUS with my acupuncturist have taught me that I have been settling for scraps. I can require decency of my doctors. Including my dentist. 

...I feel like all I need is a companion and my old exercise routine back. My dog is great, but I mean a human one. I feel like my shit is pretty together these days. I just want to get back to exercising the way I was in August 2014-August 2015. 

...I bought a chest for my bedroom (just this past Sunday). It was delivered Thursday. I love it. My first piece of bedroom furniture that is in perfect condition since my bed (2010) and my first wooden piece of bedroom furniture since a trunk I bought in 2009. My first ever normal clothing storage that isn’t secondhand or chipped in my entire life. 

You are now updated. Some point soon we will speak of heavier things. 

[dazedandconfusedin]

Never Said.

It has been a while. So long that it is moving time again. I kind of can’t believe that it’s been almost 15 months since I moved to this apartment. I thought for sure I’d be on my way out of this state. But the sad reality and inconvenient truth is I have to move and that will require signing another lease. This also means I’m likely stuck in my hateful government job another year, too, unless something magical happens soon.

I also sprained my ankle, or fucked it up royally. So I can’t actually run on it anymore. I’m supposed to see a doctor soon. Saw a podiatrist, and he helped me a bit, but I still have problems.

Tomorrow I’m going to my hateful dentist and then on to the radiologist so I can let a tech stick a probe in my vag and on the surface of my stomach to see what my fibroid is up to. Whoopie. Then the afternoon will be spent checking out an apartment that is hopefully cheaper than my current place. But closer to my hateful job.

Some shit has been popping off at work. But I don’t like to gossip, so you didn’t hear it from me. Okay, maybe later.

Okay, that’s enough hate for now.