dead-deaf-roommate - Tumblr blog

[dead-deaf-roommate]

Said goodbye to a thing, today.

Gave it a new home where it will be displayed, and will hold other meaning for folx.

Got to engage with some memories, today. Realizing how so much of that was physical for me- how much of my body is bound up in my past, good and bad.

Hopeful that I will keep getting to explore and heal.

[dead-deaf-roommate]

Oof.

[dead-deaf-roommate]

What a month of loss it has been, on so many levels.

And tomorrow, more.

[dead-deaf-roommate]

Tonight I have affections, long walks, LostCat!, and a sink full of clean dishes.

[dead-deaf-roommate]

Move the fuck on.

[dead-deaf-roommate]

Ooof.

All I can say is oof.

[dead-deaf-roommate]

It has been an exhausting and trying week so far, but I am feeling optimistic?

Working on a project for a friend/colleague, flirts with the cute one, and so much social shit tomorrow and Friday.

AND successfully working through all of the new annoying medical shit.

AND advocated for myself and am getting to do a thing I want to do 🤷🏻‍♂️

A friend that I FaceTime with every week told me tonight that I seem so much happier than when we met, and it’s true. I think my baseline may have moved up a few notches.

[dead-deaf-roommate]

how mind blowing and poignant is it that going back centuries (and probably more), there have been gay people just .. existing, and on top of that, finding each other, meeting in secret, talking in code, how wonderful and heart breaking is it to remember that we have always existed, and we always will, and against all the odds, we have always found each other

[dead-deaf-roommate]

Oof

Oof oof oof.

I don’t know the last time I was so comfortable, even in my self-conscious, even in my self-doubt.

I don’t know the last time things felt so *right*. So easy.

[dead-deaf-roommate]

on purpose!!! love people on purpose!!! find someone wonderful and love them and tell them it wasn’t an accident, you had a choice, you saw who they were and realized how lovely it would be to love them, and it is!!! i made a good decision! i love you on purpose!!!

[dead-deaf-roommate]

Thoughts tonight...

I am unlearning and relearning so much. I am finding my voice and surprising myself with being able to ask for what I want and need. I am identifying the difference between affection and manipulation; confidence and narcissism. I am finding so much comfort here. In those moments, minutes, hours, I feel more like myself than I ever have before.

[dead-deaf-roommate]

This is becoming such a weird collection of events/thoughts, but I need a place to put this shit down to reflect on later.

-Patterns that are not present now (controlled social life; communication)

-Previous general apathy toward being involved with the folx I’ve been involved with, until now.

-Scary but new feelings that are also comfortable as fuck.

[dead-deaf-roommate]

Can’t say I ever thought I’d get to this point, especially considering my opposition to law enforcement, but.

It is what it is.

[dead-deaf-roommate]

Thinking a lot about trauma, this weekend.

And what it means that I am often described as “conscientious,” or “considerate.”

Why I fill the gas tank all the way up before returning the car, and the deep needling in my brain that reminds me to walk-the-dogs-get-the-mail-bring-the-trash-cans-up before he gets home from work. Or why, when I’m pet-sitting, I always do all the dishes and sweep the floors and wipe down the counters.

But then, other traumas. Less defined. Blurry. Gloved hands. A heavy blanket, a strap. So many hands.

More defined traumas: slammed doors, glasses and mugs slammed on counters.

Blurry, but more recent: questioning the safety of being around a new partner because of their speech patterns. Scanning the streets as I drive, or when I park, certain that that person is there.

And, then, on what should be a wonderful day, a day I’ve waited years for, a day I had fretted about and talked over a million times: distrust. And unsafe disclosure to the one person who I most needed it not to be disclosed.

And at the end of it all: Here I am. Still alive. Safely home. Waiting for the other shoe to drop.

[dead-deaf-roommate]

I am exhausted and overwhelmed, as per usual.

I am struggling because my ever-reliable coping mechanism is off limits for the next month. Which is not that big of a deal because it’s been sporadic at best over the last year, by far the least I’ve ever done it, but I am still very overwhelmed and can’t do much about it.

It’s been two weeks since I had a cigarette?

My ears seem to be getting quieter but I need to get a hearing test anyway. May just be getting sick.

Wedding last week, wedding this week. Contemplating arranging plans with one or both of The Boys for next month.

[dead-deaf-roommate]

Some positive life updates tho:

I’m seeing/talking to two cute dudes who treat me well and are gentle and respectful and don’t treat me like shit, so that’s cool. One of them visited a bit ago so now I’m gonna go see him, and I just visited the other so he’s gonna come down soon for a weekend.

I’m having my second surgery consult on Monday, hopefully will have a summer surgery date.

Got accepted to a bunch of grad schools.

Nominated one of my clients for an award and he won! I’m not excited to present at the event, but I’m v excited for him.

I bought my friend’s moped after mine shit the bed this summer. It wintered outside so now I’m trying to get it back in running shape for Spring.

And!! My hand healed well from surgery and I have pretty much full mobility again and should have no problems riding. Also having no problems signing; I was super nervous because even like a month after I couldn’t touch my pinky and thumb together but it’s all good now.

I got an IUD and the actual process was fucking miserable but I’m digging being Not Pregnant.

[dead-deaf-roommate]

back then i remember wanting to be paris hilton’s chihuahua