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[dead-librarian]

Dec 14, 2021

Turns out Harrison wasn't going to do anything to hurt Yen- he just wanted to talk and possibly recruit her. There's relief there, but when he said that I realized- well, I had told him (in what I thought was a small lie at first) that I wanted to ask Harrison what he planned to do with Yen, solely so I could reassure her. And I realized that was true; I wanted to see if he had good intentions.

Why wouldn't he? Of course. Of course he wouldn't hurt her; he did the same for me, after all...eugh....I'm still not sure how to feel about this bond. I remember not liking it, and I don't like the fact I'm losing more of myself than I already have. But- in previous entries, I had already stated I never thought I'd get to taste J's blood again. I keep making little mistakes, though.

Like the Michael lie, for instance- although, technically, that wasn't a little lie, I suppose. Yen had asked for Pauline and I's names in the alleyway- and I had thought it would be bad for us to give our real names in case she somehow escaped, and manged to get people, somehow... I don't know. I went with Michael. It's my middle name, anyhow. I doubled down on it when she asked for my name again in the car. I really should've just told her, but I've got a horrible habit of doubling down on my lies. Sunk-cost-fallacy, I guess. So Harrison asked about it, and I had to tell him.

I bet she's going to be mad at me.

[dead-librarian]

"...Do you regret it?" She asked me.

Do I regret committing diablerie?

I leaned back; I had to think.

Jeremiah had ruined my life- unlife?- with scattered memories where my past should be, but at least I'm able to get more answers- more information- with the memories I'm able to dredge up from his soul. And I can stick through all the headaches if that means I can get more fragments, more clues; I'm very good at being in situations that hurt me, after all, if my being with him for three years is any indication. I'm closer to figuring out why he had done all of this to me than if I hadn't devoured him. But despite all that I hate him as much as I had adored him.

He was delicious. He was horrible. I wish I had killed him for a better reason other than love.

"...Partially."

[dead-librarian]

Dec 13, 2021

So I needed to distract a random passerby and I'm currently rambling about DnD. Just rapid-firing anything that comes into my brain. Trying not to think about what Blake is doing in the alleyway. Sir please don't look too far behind me-

-L

[dead-librarian]

Dec 13, 2021

Blake what the fuck are you doing-

He's doing it again/ fuck fuck fuck fuck

I get we're vampires but/ it's different with what he's doing/not again

we have a job to do/ this is too familiar/ killing the target isn't part of our job/ fear? hunger, ruminate-/you're angry you're angry/ at him or yourself?/ he reminds me too much of/ get her out of there get her out getherout-

[dead-librarian]

Dec 13, 2021

Pauline and I, our part of the plan was to try and convince Yen to come with us. I was unsure how to feel about it- she's clearly scared.

I think I had almost gotten it, but...

I think she saw something. I was trying to make like I was confused, maybe, or keep my face the same, but there was a pit in my chest.

I don't think she knows what she saw. She can't have, right? Surely she would've made a comment about him. Or what I did.

But she saw.

-L

[dead-librarian]

Dec 13, 2021

I still don't think I'm good at this whole Cobweb thing yet- trying to help figure out where the Fox was just lead to me getting another odd vision. Getting visions and memories like that feels strange; like my mind becomes detached from my body and suddenly I'm somewhere else. Or maybe I go so inward into my own mind that nothing else around me registers? It's hard to describe.

Why was I so angry about those rings? Was that me or J? It must be him- I can't help but wonder if one of them belonged to him.

Was Asha scrying on him before? Ah, will write later- we're at the park now.

-L

[dead-librarian]

Dec 13, 2021

Victor asked me how I was doing, and there was... pity in his voice. Did he figure something out while researching J? Oh, God- What if he knows? Surely he doesn't know the whole story, right? (But he knows part of it.) ...He won't find out. He's not like Harrison.

He directed us towards Asha- a friend of Harrison's who's also trying to find the Fox. On our way to her apartment Pauline said to not trust her. ...Well. It's a bit hard not to with the blood bond, is it? Of course I'm hesitant around her, but the fact she's working with Harrison made me more inclined to agree to work with her. I want to- eugh. It's an interesting experience, to have one part of you be inclined to want the approval and praise of someone, and the other part curl up in disgust over it.

-L

[dead-librarian]

Dec 11, 2021

Pauline said earlier that I should start a diary. So here we are. I don't think I've done anything like this since high school. ....I've had a horrible night.

The past few days have been... eventful. Especially the meeting with Harrison. He knows. Not the whole thing, but he knows. I don't really know why I kept lying. At least I got some more information about J, though.

I fucked up right after the meeting, though, because I wasn't thinking (I mess up a lot because of that, really), and a breach happened. A lady wasn't asleep when I thought she was and she ran off and I didn't tell anyone, like a fucking idiot. ...I'm bound again because of it now, as punishment. Harrison said it was either that or I tell him about the people I care about, and I can't have that. I care about them, and if I think about it too much it seems to be that I don't care as much about things as I used to. I don't want to think about it. ...Anyway, Amy and Chris are some of the only shreds of normalcy I have left. I hate the bond. It's like I'm losing my autonomy all over again, slowly. But there's another part of me that... .... Harrison's blood tasted like Jeremiah's. I didn't think I would ever taste it again. Part of me really wanted to keep drinking. ..I think something's wrong with me. Jeremiah was awful. Still is. I still chase after him, though. He's an unfinished story that I want to figure out (What else do I have left?).

Pauline picked me up after I got bonded. She said I could talk to her, and if I could I would, but... I just can't talk about that- About everything that's on my mind. Or in it (ha).

But I told her it was complicated, with me and J. And it is. I have so many questions for him. He still doesn't fucking tell me anything, but some things never change, I guess.

I wish my headache would go away.

Anyway- We ended up in Pauline's office, and I felt like a complete failure, really, sitting there with the two of them. I've really just been causing them problems- the whole thing was reminiscent of high school, if I'm being honest. Like sitting in an office after "starting a fight". We went off to the territory so Blake could show me a way to feed- well, I think the plan derailed slightly, maybe. He lured someone away (Maybe in the past I'd think it was romantic to share a cigarette like that), and I wasn't sure how to feel about what he was doing at first- and then J had to show up and tell me not to fuck up, but I knew that- and... anyway, in regards to drinking that guy's blood: I can have another sexuality crisis later.

We agreed to have Victor check out the fox that Blake saw at our territory, did a mission for him to deliver a cursed box– well, everyone else agreed with it. I don't like the Hecata; the idea that they can mess with souls make me nervous about what they could do to me, but I had already caused enough trouble for one night. I went along with it. (Just stay quiet so that you don't mess up more. A familiar pattern.) That box was like a cursed magical item from a DnD game. It had souls in it– Two of them.

., Anyway– what the hell was Blake thinking, driving like that?! He caused someone to crash– I think I wasn't as disturbed as I should've been. Pauline didn't seem to pick up on that. Blake lost the box, but we found it again, and I managed to talk the box into being nice to us. I have charm, I suppose. Blake seemed to like the Hecata lady; and I'm questioning his taste, to be honest. Okay, that's not the point of this diary. We helped her with one other task; again, I went along because I didn't want to cause any trouble. I just wanted to go back to my apartment, though- helping her out more wasn't part of the deal! I got the promise of information, though. I think my annoyance outweighs that.

What was even the point of me being there? I didn't even do anything, and then we had to leave because the police showed up for the second time that night, and the souls were screaming for help and I'm not sure if I even cared about that, and now I'm in a shitty motel room scribbling down an attempted coded diary in one of my notepads after breaking down and sobbing in the fucking restroom. God.

fuck.

The bus ride here was... I was alone, really, or as alone as I can be nowadays. I never thought I would miss my eyes hurting from the lights.

Blake and Pauline both got out relatively okay. Pauline seems to be in trouble, though. I hope she's okay. I know I can't tell her what happened to me, but... I don't know. It's nice she's willing to listen, though sometimes I feel bad that she does. Or maybe I just feel bad for both her and Blake in general, since both died younger than me. (I think they were as old as Amy is now.) So much has fucking happened. I'm not good at any of this. Why did J choose me anyway? Why did he even fucking do any of that? Why was I the only one he decided to bind? (Is it selfish to wonder if he even cared? Would that make it better or worse? Would I even care about the answer?) ...He ruined my life. I ruined his. Maybe we're both at fault. Nevermind. This is turning into a rant about an ex, once again. Hopefully I'll remember to keep writing in this. -L

[dead-librarian]

Dec 9, 2021

Shit. Ok. Ok. Alright. I might've fucked up.

-L

[dead-librarian]

Dec 9, 2021

Harrison told me a few things (like the name of what I did), and even offered to get rid of him. I declined- I still have information I can get out of him.

...I think I'm also just a stubborn man in general. (Or is it more fear? If I agree, how much of me will be left?) Part of me refuses to let go.

Anyway- Harrison requested I give him information on Blake, if I can find anything out. I'm also curious about him...

-L

[dead-librarian]

Dec 9, 2021

Harrison knows.

Not the whole truth, but he knows. He knows I killed someone.

God, and I lied to him- I said it was just some random Kindred. Why did I say that?! But he seemed to buy it, so that was... Well, I suppose it worked out. Maybe. Hopefully.

He's terrifying. I don't think I entirely trust him.

-L

[dead-librarian]

This is an (attempted) in-character blog for my vtm oc, Leo West, as his chronicle unfolds; the entries will be erratic at first as I work through my drafts, but eventually (and hopefully) I'll settle into making short posts after every session. Some parts of his story might be missing, but you can check them out in the chronicle session recaps.

Spoilers abound!

Pauline told me I should start a diary, so we go.

I'm having a very horrible time.

[dead-librarian]

Pauline told me I should start a diary, so we go.

I'm having a very horrible time.