deadgodwriting - Tumblr blog

[deadgodwriting]

I was my mother's original sin

The apple that grew her belly swollen

The rope of her bindings slipped ever tighter

I come from a line of Persephone

Swallowing the pomegranate seed and promising to stay

Til death do us part

I inherited the antique rose tinted shades

They look beautiful

They frame my face

I look just like my mother

[deadgodwriting]

My conception was a mistake

My mother swallowed a pomegranate seed that gestated into my being

The original sin to bind her to the devil

They weren't trying for a baby but I happened when god blinked, for just a moment

Fallen out of the plan

I destroyed lives before leaving the womb

When my fragile lungs took their first fresh breath I was already marked

I was the thing that wasn't meant to be

I was the thing that was to be the downfall of several lifetimes of happiness

My first word was lamb

A sacrifice offered to take stead of accountability

A monster to point to when things went wrong

A martyr to string up in the village square

To shove any blame down my throat before lighting the flames beneath my feet

[deadgodwriting]

I'm my mom's original sin. Swallowing pomegranate seeds a

[deadgodwriting]

Is there a beauty in consuming?

To love someone so completely you want them to enter your body and never leave?

I want to love him in a way we both leave each other full every night

I want to know what he tastes like on my tongue

I want to somehow mash my parts and his parts together until we occupy the same space

Isn't it a part of love to consume?

I make a feast of his interests and vocal quirks

Bringing them into myself until you can't tell where his voice ends and mine begins

Do I sound like his echo or does he sound like mine?

When he cuts his finger and I pop it his digit into my mouth to stem the bleeding is it wrong for me to wish the moment could last?

If my lover died I think I would eat him

Make every part of him into a different dish, savor his flavor with every last bite

My last chance to consume my love before he's gone

Between decomposition sinking it's teeth into him or me, I'd treat his flesh and blood so tenderly

Everyone eats to live

But I'd like to eat to love

I think consuming is beauty itself

[deadgodwriting]

God is not my shepherd for I am no sheep. Do not look for you will not find me grazing among the flock. Instead: find the darkened forest. I stalk the underbrush. Fur black as night, eyes glint as gold. What is a shepherd to a wolf but an obstacle? An easy answer, as there is another option to the wolves most daring. Prey.

[deadgodwriting]

It hurts so bittersweetly to feel genuine unconditional love for the first time at 22. I'm happy because it feels like I've finally unearthed the treasure I've been looking for my entire life. But hurts so badly to know that I should have felt it from birth. I hate that I'm already broken for him. That I lash out and bite at the hand that feeds like a beaten dog. It's not my fault my teeth are sharp. I was born to bite and snarl. Bent like hot metal on a blacksmith's anvil. Coerced into a shape I did not want. No loving hand ever fed me. So like a cornered animal I think all hands must hurt.

[deadgodwriting]

I know logically my hysterectomy is the best thing for me health wise. My fibromyalgia and hEDS have a high chance of getting permanently worse if I had ever gotten pregnant. Plus my periods made my life a living hell, my ptsd made seeing an obgyn terrifying, etc. But I keep mourning the fact that I can never carry Ricky and I's babies. I wish he could impregnate me. I wish I could be pregnant and have him coo over and coddle me while I grow our child for us. It fills me with longing and it makes me feel stupid because I had the ability to carry a child and I threw it away. I *know* pregnancy would be so bad for me with my health problems and I could have been bed bound from it. But I wish I was healthy enough I could get pregnant. There's only one life and I feel like I'm missing out and I'll never get to have it back. It makes mad at myself because when I was with my ex I felt so convinced I'd never heal past my sexual trauma enough to be okay being pregnant and I wouldn't want her to get me pregnant but I was such a stupid 20 year old. Maybe I did it too soon maybe I wish it wasn't so easy to get. Maybe I genuinely regret it. But also it's making me healthier and it's the healthier choice. Just part of me wishes I didn't have to care about my health and I could be Ricky's cute spouse he knocks up and dotes on. It makes me so upset to think about. It causes a pit in my chest

[deadgodwriting]

Dear Ricky,

I'm sorry that you had to fall in love with me. It was selfish of me to let you, and to lead you on like I have. I was never meant to live. The past three months were some of the best of my entire life but it's still so obvious to me that my existence was a fuck up. I'm a burden to everyone around me and my life just inherently isn't worth living. I'm in pain, worthless, and will forever be a leech to whoever is stuck with me next. So I'm ending the cycle. I'm sorry you had to love me. And I'm sorry because I know this will hurt but I know you'll move on and be happier with someone whole in the future

Yours dearly and truly, Loki

[deadgodwriting]

I'm sorry I scared you. I'm sorry the fact that I hate myself so intensely is scary. It makes me hate myself more that I hurt you. I think I should kill myself. I think I should carefully pack all your things in a box, ship them back to your house, and disappear forever. It's what would be best for both of us. I get to have my dream of sleeping and never waking up, and you get to live a life without me in it. You'd probably be upset at first bur you'd look back and thank me later on. No one should have to deal with me anymore.

[deadgodwriting]

I could write forever about the beauty of you. Greater than any man known to grace this earth. Your lips smooth like porcelain, curve upwards like the lip of my favorite mug. I wish to leave the rim lipstick stained. Your hair colorful and soft, the colors of the sky when the sun has newly risen, blue and yellow. I'm not a morning person, but if you wished I would watch every sunrise with you until the sun burnt out. Your eyes with their golden rings only remind me of one thing. My desire to marry you. To forever bind myself to you, to be yours, my love, my angel, my husband.

[deadgodwriting]

The only oxygen that hits my lungs is the breath from you. The only light that reaches me is from the glint in your eyes. The only sound that I can hear is the rumble of your laughter. Without you, my heart would simply stop beating. My love, my angel, my one and only

[deadgodwriting]

The devotion I feel towards you is difficult to put into words. I linger on your every word, hang from your every breath. I want to absorb everything you say to me and remember it all. I want to prove to you that love is real and that I am love. I think I was made to love you. I feel as though I am a knight kneeling before my king, pledging my life on the battlefield. I would do almost anything you ask of me if it would make you happy. I want to learn how to cook every food you like, I want to learn how to drive so I can teach you, I want to make our apartment more comfortable so that you can feel every comfort. I want to research every single way to make your life as stress free as possible. I want you to look back and think about how I came into your life, swept you off your feet, and made your life the happiest that any person has ever lived. I feel as though I am a believer kneeling before my god, pledging my devotion in this life and the next.

[deadgodwriting]

When I say eternity I mean your embrace. When I say I pray I mean when my eyes meet yours. When I say the guiding light I mean your hand leading mine. When I say an angel I mean when your name hits my lips.

[deadgodwriting]

Happy rambles

Aaaaaaaaaaa I'm truly genuinely happy for the first time in so many years. Even though some of the most stressful things in my life are happening right now I just feel so much better able to deal with it. I'm dealing with a rocky divorce at 22, my parents are finally getting divorced after over 20 years, everything is up in the air for me. But: I finally have even a small amount of independence for the first time in my life. My apartment got walled off so it's separate from my parents house, and I'm learning how to drive and will soon enough have my own car and the ability to leave the house whenever I want to. And I'm experiencing love for the first time. Like, it's fucking wild to me but I have been in 5 relationships before this one. 2 of which long term, one being 1 1/2 years and the other over 5 years with us being married. But I genuinely never felt love like this before. Not for the person or that the other person ever got even close to loving me like this before. It's so weird to have someone love me unconditionally and mean it. Have someone be so gentle with me, makes me feel like I will always be safe and welcome, and if I bring up an issue it will actually get addressed. And that I'm wanted so much. He can't help himself from saying he loves me at least 5 times a day, if not every other hour. He never calls me by name, just "my love" or "my dear", etc. He sings me love songs. I never have to feel like a burden with him. It's just like: idk. I'm so oddly at peace for the first time in my life. I can't even regret what happened with my ex because it led to where I am right now. I've been smiling so much my TMJ has been triggered way more often lmao. Like idk, I don't even know how to describe how it is right now. I feel like my life was foggy and suddenly became clear and even though I still get stressed or deal with bad shit it just doesn't hurt as bad anymore. I feel happy for the first time since I was like 11 years old. My life is something I look forward to. I don't even daydream about the far far future that much anymore. I look forward to this weekend, and next month, and the next year. But I don't have to invent these far futures where I'm somehow happy. I can take a deep breath and enjoy my 20s for the first time. I look forward to roadtripping with him, and going to clubs, and making a scrapbook, and being a dumb "kid" again. Like I shouldn't feel like I have to be married and buy a house I'm only 22, I should be partying and making out with my boyfriend and enjoying my life. Fuck it.

[deadgodwriting]

Texts I will never send:

I realized that we were never in love. Not real love. Maybe mutual obsession and using each other to cope but that's the closest we ever came to love. I think I'm the happiest and most mentally stable I've ever been now. I'm in love with Richard, and real love this time. We're obsessed with each other but in a way that adults in love are, not mentally ill teenagers. He often times falls asleep mid conversation and doesn't message me until the next morning and it never makes me panic because I trust him. It took a lot of convincing for him to get me to open up to him because I've become so traumatized at the idea of sharing my needs or opinions because with people like you it would always be a long drawn out fight. And I was terrified at the idea of making him angry with me. Because of you. But he convinced me to open up, it took days of constantly telling me he wanted to hear my opinion, but it worked. And after I told him all the feelings I had been hiding in an attempt not to upset him, he told me that he loved me more. And that he thought I was brave, and he was so proud of me. We never fight. The most that happens is we get mildly frustrated and then take a short pause and come back. It's been over a month of us dating now and that's the worst of it for us. There's arguments or disagreements sometimes but it never ever becomes a fight. It's just us talking about what we disagree on. And we will still use petnames the whole time. He calls me almost exclusively by petnames. Things like "my love", "my dear", "baby", "kitten", "babydoll". Even "dollface" sometimes like he's a greaser. I call him "love" constantly. We're also both glued to each other the whole time when he comes over. When we sit on the couch I will rest my head on his shoulder and he'll lean over and kiss my head AT LEAST every 5 minutes the entire time we play video games or watch tv. We went on a date to Georgia boys and he kept leaning over to hold my hand between eating. And he got me a brownie sundae at the end, and paid for everything. I find him genuinely attractive too. I don't have to force myself like with you, I can just look at him and be amazed at how attractive I find him. He's INCREDIBLY muscular, and way stronger than me. His hairline is also better than yours. Not to mention his dick is like almost a full inch bigger. And he's so interested in me sexually. He almost always initiates and will just be overcome with lust if I kiss or touch him in certain ways. Last week he didn't even mean to put he gave me two hickeys.

[deadgodwriting]

Don't throw me away don't throw me away don't throw me away I'll do anything I'll cook I'll clean I'll buy you anything you want I'll do any sexual favors you want I'll ignore any mistreatment just don't throw me away I don't care if you only pretend to love me you're at least kind to me please please please please please please please please please please please please please I'll be good I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry please stay. I'll never be bad again I won't say anything I'll be quiet I'll be good you'll never know anything is wrong I'll do whatever you want I'm good I promise I'll be exactly what you want and I'll be happy with whatever you give me as long as you don't yell at me or leave me you can even hit me if you want that's okay I deserve it sometimes just stay please

[deadgodwriting]

I hate making you feel inadequate because I know I'm the inadequate one. I'm never enough but I try really really hard to be. But in some ways I feel like I always pour out so much love for everyone around me and never see it back. Like my love languages are about action vs words but sometimes I feel like I see very little action from you. And I'm sorry I feel bad saying that because logically I know you love me and I'm just high maintenance to expect things from you because you do say a lot of extremely kind things and I should believe you and trust you but I also can't because I'm so used to being lied to and never seeing action from it from everyone else. I'm sorry this is all a lot and you're already having a bad day, please please let me comfort you now? I want to and it'd make me feel better too. I like being useful I can be useful