dealingwithdepressionblog

[dealingwithdepressionblog]

I think drinking is my new medicine. Until I have money to pay a doctor I'm gonna use alcohol to ease the pain.

9/10

[dealingwithdepressionblog]

The worst part of depression

Yeah, being depressed sucks but the worst part of this disease is people’s judgement. It’s really depressing how most people have no idea about what depression means and how it makes us feel. I’m sick and tired of listening to relatives and friends telling me do cheer up and to not be so sad when I post some worrying messages on social media. Look, I really wish these words were enough to cure myself but my brain tells me otherwise. Love and caring are not enough, I’m sorry. Even my own therapist has no idea of how to deal with me. Sometimes I notice her actually avoiding to go straight to the point as if she didn’t wanna go there or as if she didn’t know how to approach the subject. 

All of this only makes me feel worse. Worse about myself mostly because I’m apparently too dramatic. I should be grateful for my family and friends, right? Why all of this drama? News flash: drama is not me but what depression does to me! I was always a happy child and I had tons of friends as a teenager and on my 20s. Nowadays this disease made me less amicable, less excited and pushed me away from the ones I love. I just wanna be alone and do everything by myself. How do I change this? How do I recover my previous me? Nobody can help me. Supporting words don’t work against my sick brain. And these words are decreasing as time goes by because everybody has their own lives now so nobody wants to take care of the poor 30 year-old who can’t appreciate life. People move on, they don’t have time for my shit. Or maybe they will if I do something. Or someone closer to them has the same disease someday.

Therefore, what’s the point of treating this disease if I take medicines (not anymore at the moment) but counselling is bad? These are the only things I have. Of course medicines help with negative thoughts and making me more calm but it’s just temporarily. I’m never winning this battle if people can’t understand how I feel. I’ve been depressed for ten years and I don’t wanna spend the next decade the same way. Now this would be depressing FOR SURE.

Please stop fucking judging.

9/10

[dealingwithdepressionblog]

Depression is back and strong

So...I’ve been out for a while. I know. I was busy working and finishing my masters therefore I had a lot of things going on. To be honest, at the time I thought everything would be better by the time I finally finished my studies but that’s not how depression works.

I’m free from my masters, I got my diploma. Now I’m not so stressed about this and I can focus on other stuff. I have my friends, I go out alone often just to walk through the city, I have a bike, I’ll see my family and friends back home soon...it seems that everything is great, right? I wish.

My medicines are gone. I can’t find a decent doctor for me since my former one just gave me medicines and then pretended that I didn’t exist. And if I had medicines available it would be bad because I wanted to take them all at once. My therapist is cool but her words are worthless to me because what she says doesn’t have any effect on my head. Not anymore at least. To be honest, I’m glad I don’t see her a lot because I need to figure out a way to tell her that this is not working anymore. So yeah, I have no professional help right now.

What am I doing to fight this cruel disease? I’m just living day by day. I’ve also started to drink during the week but nothing excessive. It’s my way to relax and deal with the pain since I have no medicines nor psychological help. I still have the strength to wake up, work, do groceries, see my friends and go to the beach but I don’t know how long it will last because I feel weak and my head is a mess. It keeps telling me that I’m a failure, I’ll die alone and it’s better to give up as nothing will change. God, I hate this disease. I wish there was a remedy I could take and it would erase all negative thoughts I have in my mind.

9/10

[dealingwithdepressionblog]

Weekend vibes

Today was a good day! Work was fine and after I finished everything I decided to go out. It’s Summer and it’s extremely hot where I live so it’s impossible for me to stay home, especially on a Friday night. My idea was to grab some ice cream with a friend but we ended up at a bar and we had a lot of fun there. Drinks, food, good music and a lot of talking!

Tomorrow I’ll go to the beach. I need to see the sea and swim a little bit. This is always good for someone’s mental health. And yes, I’m taking care of myself during this pandemic :)

I’m excited about this weekend! 

Life is good, we just need to focus more on the positive things that happen to us instead of thinking about the negative ones.

2/10

[dealingwithdepressionblog]

Hello there

I created this blog so it could be a place for me to express myself about my struggles with depression. You know, things I can’t say to people who are close to me nor my therapist. I won’t use tags or anything but just write what I feel on the day. Who am I?

No details about my age or where I live. What I can tell you is that I’m a grown woman living abroad (not too young, not too old). I’m lucky to have a job during this pandemic, besides having a great family and amazing friends. And then there’s depression. 

I consciously know that I have it since 2015. Exactly six years ago I lost a dear friend, who I hadn’t been talking to at the time, and that escalated things to me. But if I look back more carefully I can tell that something hasn’t been right for nearly ten years now. It started when I was very young. I started doing therapy over three years ago and I’ve also been following a medical treatment for 2 years. So yeah, I kinda decided to treat my disease a little bit too late. I wish I had done it earlier because the pain I feel wouldn’t be so strong.

Anyway, this is me. Tomorrow I’ll be back.

At the end of every post I’ll rate my level of depression on a scale from 1 to 10 (it’s never 0). If it’s closer to 1 it means I’m OK and if it’s closer to 10 it means the opposite.

9/10