dear-derek

[dear-derek]

2023-07-03

Derek,

Fresh starts are impossible.

No matter what you do or what changes happen or where you go, there's always something so chronic and inescapable following: you. We talk about starting new like it means we're different people with different habits, but we're not. I don't know why I thought that moving on to the next part of my life would mean things were any different.

I believed that change was heavily influenced by the things around us, and that people didn't really change unless they were forced to. Now, being put in a situation where I am forced to change, looming over the edge of a gruesome and unfortunately common death, I find myself sticking stubbornly to who I was. I know the things I do--- or rather, don't--- will kill me. I'm seeing the effects of that already. Still, there's something inside of me so adamantly against throwing out what I've built; it sucks and it's helping nobody, but it's still mine. There are two faces to starting over; the tedious, daunting one is unignoreable.

The subtlety of change is also what makes it so hard to come by. When we imagine getting our lives together, we see ourselves waking up the next day, and we're energized, and we're new, and we speak in ways we've never spoken before, and we can finally stop waiting. It sucks, taking steps towards being better and seeing no improvement, but that betterment really does happen in ways you'll never really notice, because change is habitual.

hange is making novelty second nature. How can we notice something different about ourselves when we just see it as 'us'? Change is raising the standards of who you want to become, without realizing you've met the old goal. Change is is doing all the things you once dreamed of doing, while dreaming of doing even better things. Change is walking past that cupboard, and not even thinking about what's inside. That's the goal, to just BE virtuous without thinking about it, but that also means we're missing out on the instant gratification that drives us. To grow in an elevated capacity, we have to fight the basic instincts that drive us to do anything, and that's a near impossible feat. without that motivation, we wouldn't want to be better in the first place.

Becoming a new person, then, does require a little bit of mania. The rational mind is, no matter how aristotle sees it, subjective. you can't separate the id from the ego, or the superego from the id. our rational desires fluctuate with our instincts, be it social or animalistic. To really fix the habits that define us means to disregard what we want, what we need and the entirety of our being, screaming not to. We have to disregard what the mind defines as logical from moment to moment and pursue a goal just for shits and giggles, even if we don't really want to.

That's really how we make decisions in the first place: our minds determine the best course of action based on who we are, and then executes it by turning it into a conscious desire. When we want to change who we are, however, we must throw our entire rational away. Even the act of setting that goal to change is based on an 'outdated' version of you. If actions define us, how can we change if everything we do is based on who we already are?

We dream of being better. We imagine our lives, once we're smarter and stronger and healthier and prettier. We fail to remember that this exact moment in time, this life you're living right now, reading this, is the time you used to dream about, the time you thought you'd be better by.

We wait.

You've almost certainly seen those pinterest posts about living your life in the present rather than fantasizing on the future, but that's bullshit. We're task oriented creatures. Without goals or a sense of something on the horizon, we can't function. I do think, however, there is some merit into shrinking those horizons. Rather than thinking of all the amazing things you can do once you're healthier, think of the amazing ways you can be healthier today. Narrow your view. Be shortsighted.

If you look too far ahead at the destination, you'll never realize that you're walking ever-so-slightly in the wrong direction, a change that'll magnify the more you walk. We end up being pinballs, playing a game of atari breakthrough, bouncing off walls but never hitting the block. We move, but it's never forward.

You don't exist a year from now. You don't exist in a week. You don't exist tomorrow, and you definitely won't be a better person when it comes. You're here, right now, today, and you're looking forward to the moment that comes right after this one. Do something. Live in anticipation of every second after the one you're living. Imagine the person you can be, just a fraction in the future, and work towards that. Do it quickly; a second isn't a lot of time.

I don't want to wait for who I could be, but I know I'm not happy with who I am. So, fuck it. I'm not going to look for the best decision, I'm just going to look for the on I really want to do, and do the exact opposite, and I'll keep doing that until I wake up one day, unaware of the person I've become.

[dear-derek]

2023-06-28

Derek,

I think one of the biggest issues I struggle with is a lack of self accountability.

If I eat a shit-ton of cake, it's because it was right in front of me, and I was feeling bad, and I was brought up with food as my coping mechanism. It was a human moment, I couldn't resist. If I lose a friend, it's because they didn't like me, they ended things. How could it be my fault, when I never actually make any active decisions in relationships? If my life is barelling downhill faster than the speed of light, it's because the universe had it out for me. I was doomed from the start; I have the burden of knowing my own fate.

It feels so much better to be powerless and oppressed, to be allowed to pity oneself and wallow in disgrace like side characters in novels, than to accept the fact that you just fucked up.

I'm a determinist. It's something I love saying because it makes me sound interesting, but I wish it weren't true. To me, it's not something that can or has to be found from experimentation, it's a priori truth: the same way we know 2 + 2 = 4 because that's just how it works. We are experience machines; we indulge in the sensory information around and and internalize them. Instincts were built this way, too, making every aspect of our being fundamentally external and dependant on our environment.

Our own rationalism is further proof of determinism: we do, think, or say something based on what we've come to know, our little thinking minds subconsciously determine the best course of action based on genetics and environmental conditioning Those conclusions appear to the conscious self as desires, maybe impulsiveness, maybe a proper decision. They're still ultimately influenced by what we percieve, not some greater truth we think we've discovered.

Still, I think being a determinist is stupid. Not only does it take all the fun out of life, but it also sets into motion a negative conclusion, because it's based on the principle of innate passivity. Determinism also doesn't take away from the fact that I still experience life. As predetermined as I am, I'm not unthinking. As a determinist, there's nothing I can do to change the fact that I believe what I believe. As a person, with thoughts and feelings that are all completely biased and meaningless but still there nonetheless, I don't want to believe that my life isn't my own.

Still, if something in the world led me to stumble on this piece of knowledge, I don't know if I can reject it. How can you trick yourself into believing in magic when you saw the slit in the magician's rings? How can you believe in santa claus, after noticing your uncle's ring on his finger? I want to suspend my disbelief, but whenever I get close to doing so it occurs to me that that's the fault of my environments, and not a conscious decision. I then cling tighter and tighter to determinism, finding some stubborn solace in the fact that I'm not free, but at least I'm self aware.

But I'm not. People are arrogant, and they're self involved and irrational, and flawed. Logic itself is illogical when processed through their minds, and there's plenty of case studies to prove it. We all think we know the answer; We all think that we're the one to have miraculously solved philosophy. But we're all kind of stupid.

Who am I to decide that this is how the universe is ran? Who am I to accept my flawed perceptions as reality? If determinism states that I am the product of my environment, if it says that my truths are influenced on my subjective experiences, it's impossible for me, or anyone, to objectively understand or concieve of determinism. By its own rules, determinism is an impossible concept.

Why not, then. Why not believe in some sort of agency. A little part of me will always say that this denial is just some kind of coping mechanism, but determinism has filled that role, too. Why not replace it with something that will actually let me live with myself? Reality should not be ignored for the sake of personal comfort, but reality is so malleable and subjective that believing in it inadvertently rejects a big part of it we just can't see.

If I have to be blind, I want to be happy, too. So I'm going to go against my nature and dilute myself in the fantasy that I'm in control. It's probably wrong, but I've got nothing to lose if it is.

talk to you later,