dearies-diary

[dearies-diary]

i wish i lived in Pokemon's World for many reasons, but one of them is that i feel like being socially expected, societally supported, and legally allowed to leave my abusive father's household at age 11 (to create a found family of peers and pokemon) would have saved me a lot of trauma/mental illness severity and maybe even avoided my PTSD entirely

also, for this "realistic pokemon" trend, my starter wouldve been Mabosstiff bc i grew up with several mastiffs in my irl house AND GOOD LUCK trying to get me seperated from my pets, much less at age 11. if i somehow wasnt allowed to take them (i wouldve been. my mama wouldve URGED me to take them as protection, in fact. she near never let me leave the house without them irl, even just for a walk, period. theres no way she wouldve not put them in my hands for a globetrotting adventure at age 11, absolutely not. but let's pretend:), i fully wouldve turned to Team Rocket and stolen them from my own family, i have no doubts about that. so... Mabostiff is an unconventional starter, but STILL

[dearies-diary]

[dearies-diary]

i just had a confrontation with my brother (i facilitated it. he was being an asshole) and oOOOH MY GOD, I NEED TO BITE SOMETHING

specifically in this end part

me: "and i would like you to sit with this criticism and have the same courtsey extended to you of this Not Being A Conversation Where I Try To Refute You as i have extended to you in the past. i dont know if youve been conscious that ive been doing that. but i would like you to extend that same courtesy to me: of this not being a conversation, just something you sit with and not try to refute me on. cool?"

him: "got it, will do"

me: "cool, great. thank you" *im about to leave*

him: "hold on, before you go" *he proceEDS TO TRY TO REFUTE A PART OF MY CLAIM*

MY GUY. WHAT THE FUCK, I COULD WHITE-MAN-STYLE PUNCH A HOLE IN A WALL RIGHT NOW, WHERE IS YOUR "READING" COMPREHENSION*

[dearies-diary]

[dearies-diary]

if ive been waiting for a pair of shorts on pre-order since March— and then that order gets cANCELLED FOR NO REASON??? i want to throw my phone at a wall, immediately. this better have been a mistake from the company that results in me geTTING MY FUCKING SHORTS, omfg

and it would be one thing, if it was just the shorts. it really would

it is something else entirely that it is a bolero-cut of a hoodie and shorts SET and i have had the hoodie half since March, ivE BEEN WAITING FOR THE SHORTS FOR MONTHS, GIVE ME THE GODDAMN SHORTS

[dearies-diary]

i wonder if the reason why some people reject ypur diagnoses or other identity-labels is because it says unfavorable/"unfavorable" things about them

"no, youre not autistic" why? bc then that means the times you made fun of me "at my big age" for still enjoying things you thought "didnt fit what is Normal" (such as but not limited to: being 11 and watching Sesame Street still) means you were making fun of an autistic kid? or the times you said i was "picky", "overdramatic", "spoiled", "rude", or similar it means you were POTENTIALLY being ableist?

"no, youre not [insert queer label, such as but not limited to asexual]" why? bc then it means when you told me "youd like it" and i never did like it, that says something about you and the environment i grew up in??

"no, you dont have PTSD/C-PTSD" why? bc then that means when you said "i sacrificed so much of myself for you" hadnt been Enough To Make Me NOT Get PTSD from that experience? (to be very clear, i say with the "you" being either the abuser themself manipulatively lying or a victim alongside you who tried their best or a bystander who tried their best. it's not a uniform "ergo, you are at fault for my PTSD", it's just a neutral "yeah, it wasnt enough. i wish i didnt have this too" type of mood)

"no, you dont have [insert genetic disease/chronic illness/disability]" why? bc then your internalized ableism kicks in, and you think you should not have been allowed to procreate out of some type of guilt-induced eugenics? (again, to be very clear, im not supporting eugenics. i dont think anybody should have a say over "what type of person" should have kids/shouldnt be allowed to have kids. by saying disabled people shouldnt have kids bc the "quality of life would be lowered" is presumptuous at best. imagine someone saying "lower-class people shouldnt have kids, bc no child should experience anything less than upper-class and wealth"; someone saying "people with mental illnesses, even ones society sometimes accepts like Anxiety or Depression, shouldnt have kids, bc no child should experience either inheriting mental illness or seeing their parent/s be mentally ill"; someone saying "fat people shouldnt have kids, bc no child should experience fatness or fatphobia, if they were to inherit their family's weight"; or someone saying "[insert marginalized race or ethnicity, such as but not limited to Black people] shouldnt have kids, bc no child should experience racism/xenophobia/colorism/anti-Blackness/anti-etc". remember when enslavers would "breed the best" Black people? that's eugenics, that's "breeding out" disability. just bc you cannot imagine a different life than yours, or a different quality of life, does not mean the government or societal pressures should decide who should/shouldnt be allowed in society. look up if your country had "ugly laws", it's laws where it was illegal for certain people to exit their own homes bc their existence made others uncomfortable. regardless, im not saying "my family shouldnt have procreated", im saying "my family has internalized ableism and i dont think theyve worked through this subconscious idea of eugenics they carry; i think thats why they feel guilt over my existance being hard on me, i think it goes beyond sympathy". i do not support eugenics. your decision to have/not have biological-kids should be your own. not the government's or society/your community's pressuring you or anyone else's)

like?? it doesnt matter if i have the diagnosis or not from a doctor, if ive been welcomed or validated by any community of said identity-label

it makes them uncomfortable grappling with Not Knowing What They Didn't Know and they dont like what that says about them, at least thats what i think. even if my diagnosis has nothing to do with them or their impact on me. they reject it bc, to them, my owning the label does say Something Unfavorable/"Unfavorable" about they themself

[dearies-diary]

wild to hear someone say "youre lucky i was at a pause-point before i showered" when they rescind the house's one bathroom to you (bc you gotta pee or whatever and you knocked for next) when you know damn well that They Were Snoring in there. like??

[dearies-diary]

I want my brother to move out

I am just increasingly inconvenienced and irritated

And I don't get why he and his wife are here?? That makes it sound like I need to be talked through it. I don't

They were originally here because of the fire: Okay

The fire has passed: Okay. So they're moving back? No. He's apparently anxious about moving back, he doesn't want to risk being trapped in the mountains again

Okay. How did you not figure that out before, I don't know. Even you wife admitted it is weird you are NEWLY affected by it. That was something she was aware of when they first moved up, that's a risk, one apparently you never?? Thought of??? Wild, weird

So they're trying to sell the house

It's been over a year

They have stuff they need to do the house

It's hard because they are barely up there and it's so far away and they're tired

And it is just a loop. And I am getting sick of the loop

But I'd be a hypocrite to be sick of the loop. I have my own reasons for stagnancy at this house and not being able to move out

But also they're being hypocrites because they got sick of this SAME EXACT SHIT when their in-laws were there

And this is just ontop of "hey, fridge is CROWDED" and "hey, your bathroom habits SUCK" and I am just stressed by their presence because the house feels too full, too cluttered, and then I have my own personal problems with "hey, I miss being able to use the blender whenever or the shower whenever"

And then dad is here too and HE stresses me out bc he is an abusive piece of shit. But at least he stays in the back

And I just want them to make progress towards leaving

Someone induce that

Because I can't say shit

And I am aware I am somewhat unreasonable via proxy of wanting to be a princess in how people treat me

But also this is stressing me OOUUUUTTTT, YOU HAVE A HOUSE, THIS IS THE SAFEST TIME TO BE THERE AS WE ARE OUT OF FIRE SEASON, WHAT THE HELL

[dearies-diary]

do cis-hetero men not know what it means when a lady calls you cute???

it's like... "you give me warm-fuzzy feelings inside, and i just want to hug you and laugh with you". it's very playground-realm of feelings, but it follows you into adulthood

(there's a few emotions that i personally would describe as in the playground-realm, but not many of them follow you into adulthood. i think another pair that does follow you though is the "do you want to be friends?" one and it's twin "i think we just became best friends!")

like.. it's good

it's a compliment

there's this undercurrent of "i feel safe with you" implied, there's a feeling of "you are being vulnerable with me by being cute, and im honored and want to express affection for that, and im doing so by calling you 'cute'"

it's not a judgment call on your masculinity

if anything, it is relief that your masculinity has depth to it. because masculinity without depth tends to be toxic-masculinity. and "masculinity with depth" just means you are secure in your masculinity, you are willing to be a silly goofball or be connected with your inner-child or be romantically-/platonically-affectionate in a really emotionally-bonding way or or or

it's a good thing

don't get all "i'M NOT CUTE, I'M A MAN" when your girl calls you cute like?? chill. nobody's questioning that, that's not part of the conversation really. you're putting your own assumptions into the word, trying to mind-read when you cant

what im describing "cute" is? thats what it tends to mean when applied to adults by other adult-women. i would know, i used to be one, i went to the my local town meetings about it ✌️

[dearies-diary]

i just saw a tiktok of this femme voice screaming angrily at someone in Italian, and the camera wasnt on her at all, but rather the building nearby where there was 5 different apartments of the same wall with their windows open so 1+ person from said apartment could fully lean out to listen/watch. and the video was captioned "Italian people are here for the DRAMA", and someone commented that "This should be more normalized, I'm tired of looking through blinds" and it just reminded me of me and my friends at opposing ends about How Much Looking At Your Neighbor Through Their Window Is Okay

and like. my apartment had this big window connected to the living room and kitchenette. and i was in a U shaped building, where my view was another person's apartment of the reverse layout. so i could see into their living room and kitchentte because our complex had A Thing against curtains and stuff (something about uniformity). so no one was really allowed curtains, so everyone p much kept the blinds open 24/7 bc they were cheap anyway and no one wanted to call the front desk just to say "some of the panels of my blinds fell out" (bc you had to, or youd lose your deposit). anyway

and my friends just found it so weird that i knew as much as i did about my across-the-way neighbor. i forget how it came up in conversation, but it had and i proceeded to info-dump what i knew about that neighbor

which was "probably a single mom, as she has a preteen around a lot who is either drawing or doing homework or something similar while the mom cooks. the kid works at a table by the window, i can see the mom bustle around the kitchenette on the opposite wall from the window. i never see a dad or second mom or anything. i think the daughter goes to practice or something after-school related, because she's usually not around until 5 or 6PM, not long before dinner. they eat together at the table. they have two or three cats who use a cat-tree also by the window. they must be busy every day of the week with plans, because anytime that isn't dinner, i rarely see them in that room, including weekends. but maybe the kid is with another parent or family. because i see the mom home alone sometimes enough that im like 'wheres your kid?? its not school hours/a school day'. i think the mom maybe works weekends or works night-shift or works from home when i am not looking or something, instead of a 9-5 or 8-5 job, because she's home way more than her kid and she's home during school hours."

and my friends were like "that is stalker behavior"

and im like "???? i make myself food three times a day and im a homebody. im going in the kitchenette by the window. i dont got a TV but i do have a cat in her own cat-tree by the window, im going to look out the window or look at my cat in her cat-tree and process the window behind her. i have lived here for 3 years (have since moved). it makes perfect sense for me to be this aware of my neighbor. they probably know a shit bunch about me living alone with my cat too"

and they were like "still weird, man"

and then i forget what i said, but it had resulted in something along the lines of "oh come on" and "ive always had a window face a neighbor. specifically, a window i have to frequent. even my childhood home had a window into our neighbor's house. it showed into their living room and i could tell what they were watching for a long time. it was a lot of Simpsons, mostly" and "next youre going to tell me youve never looked into a house's window while you walked down a sidewalk"

and they all (it was like 3 or 4 of them) said "no?? ive never done that"

and i was SHOCKED like "youVE NEVER TAKEN A GLANCE INTO OTHER PEOPLE'S HOMES?? WHEN THE WINDOW IS RIGHT THERE?"

"IT'S WEIRD"

"IT'S WEIRDER THAT YOU HAVENT. youre telling me, you see light in a room of a house you are walking by around the evening, and you keep your eyes on the sidewalk? i always look in! my whole family looks in!! we even go 'aw thats nice' if we catch a glimpse of a cute moment, or tell each other 'oh look a dog' or 'look at the kitty', or even 'oh hey they have Netflix', like? just the odd one-off comment, same as you would 'look what a pretty door that is' or 'ooh a squirrel' or whatever? you go on a walk and you just do none of that??"

"nope!" with a holier than thou attitude and all

and like. i love my friends. but thats just weird to me. like. know your community, the people around you. its such an easy and immediate conversation piece. its not like you sit and stare for 10+ seconds. you glance in, process, look away, it's maybe 3 to 5 seconds at most? i think i do it for less than a second bc im so practiced at it

anyway, they were like "what if they see you?!" and im like "that is super rare because it legit is not a problem. just smile or wave or something, turn your head back forward, keep moving". if they ask you about it next time you see them, just be like "yeah, i saw movement/a light go on, i glanced, we made eye-contact, i knew you werent a burglar or something, i waved, we carry on", like?? ive even had conversations start with "oh btw my mama wanted to ask about that hunched over lady we saw leaving your house a few times. is everything okay?? oh, thats your mom's mama, your grandma? she seems lovely, we'll keep an eye out for her, we'll help make sure she's leaving the house okay, that she doesnt fall or something, etc" or "oh, yeah, i think i caught a glimpse of that show through your window when i was walking my dog. it was very flashy, very pretty, tell me more about it, im intrigued, who was the blonde guy?" like??? my family was never the closest with our neighbors, but we did stuff like that p regularly, and theyd do it back. like i grew up with that being Very Normal. i even have neighborhood kids i checked in with going "was it normal that we did this?" and theyre like "super normal. why?" and the once-neighborhood-kids i grew up with (meaning we are all now 18+), they talk about how they do it with their dorm-neighbors or apartment-neighbors or wherever else they may be and how its Normal Over There Too like?? theyve been integrated into new neighborhoods, they do it to their new neighbors, they are welcomed for it

and all my friends who go "thats stalker behavior" are ALL people who either never ever talk to their neighbors or are people who ONLY talk to their neighbor in a "btw we will have a party on xyz night and abc time, sorry for the inconvenience, please dont call a noise-complaint, we will try to to keep it down" and etc. so im like?? maybe YOURE the weirdo. bc ive always been envious of people with tight-knit communities, and my family was p loose-knit with ours, but you dont have ANY knitting whatsoever, it sounds like

anyway. normalize that too please. of course you learn your neighbors while glancing at them on/off all day lol

[dearies-diary]

worst part of living in a hot state is my illness wont let me take hot showers without inducing nausea

boo-hiss

id sooner trim my eyebrows with tweezers than take a cold shower. it legitimately makes me curl up like ive been sucker punched in the gut while bees attack me with cold needles. i dont get why people call it refreshing, all the power to you but it BOGGLES my mind

.....reading my own words back to myself, it is very obvious i have temperature dysregulation lol rip

[dearies-diary]

anybody who has been like me and was sPECIFICALLY OF THE OPINION "ah yes, my days in the Voltron: Legendary Defender trenches, i miss when things were good, god, did that show turn bad" (so this post in not @ anyone who did like the show, shhhh, like what you like, but also this post is not directed to you, shhh) like guys? guys???

we should have been watching the HTTYD tv show. it's also Dreamworks. it was also airing around the same era. im just getting into it. and its so fucking good, so much better than it has any reason to be omfg. we should have been watching this 8-season long show

[dearies-diary]

why the fuck are there 8 seasons of television between How To Train Your Dragon 1 and 2 and then there are ZERO EPISODES OF TELEVISION BETWEEN 2 AND 3???

dont get me wrong, love the 8 seasons we have, xoxo, i kiss its forehead every morn

i am just saying: i ALSO want episodes between HTTYD 2 and 3!! give me more show! it can be a continuation (aka the 9th season, technically?) or a new thing (they did that three times with HTTYD's tv show between movie 1 and 2. if you didnt know, those 8 aforementioned seasons make up Riders of Berk, Defenders of Berk, and Race to the Edge. so. id still think of it as a 9th season, ngl, buT YOU CAN PICK A FOURTH TITLE-NAME, SURE)

and like. not the "still the same universe, but unrelated to Hiccup or even his kids" stuff, i havent watched The Nine Realms (2021) or Rescue Riders (2019) or even Rescue Riders: Heroes of the Skies (2021), i have no words about them as i have no experiences with them

im just bewildered that we have HTTYD 2, which came out in 2014. and HTTYD 3 came out in 2019. and no show of any kind came out in-between?? none?

like, initially, i thought we got Nine Realms, Rescue Riders INSTEAD of content about Hiccup and the gang between HTTYD 2 and 3. but nope, you saw the years. the "unrelated to Hiccup and friends"-stuff was all post-2019, aka post-movie-3

instead? there's a couple comics?? what? and they cancelled the comics, im hearing? so there's only like 2 issues of said comics

im just flabbergasted. im reading what they had airing between 2014 - 2019 instead and just... frankly, i dont entirely see why a HTTYD tv show was not in the cards back then?? they worked with a bunch of production companies and were often in co-production for costs, so i just?? am baffled???

[dearies-diary]

today's goals, as a disabled person (so no shaming if i dont do all/any of them today... the "no shaming" is me @.me btw, i doubt anyone reading gives a fuck lol):

(editted very belatedly lol)

🧥 ● pick up my jacket from the mall ("ship to home" wasnt an option for this particular item 🥲) (let's try again today!) ✅️ (i actually, uh, failed again by zonking some 💤s for too long, but my mama had my back and got it for me! so that is a success in my book!)

🎨 ● finish rendering one of my project's walk-cycles (let's try again today!) ✅️ (finished that yesterday actually! so it took me longer than i thought, but i did it!)

💻 ● update or ready a resume (let's try again today!) ❌️ (..........shhhhh. i am deciding to finish the 🎨-project first and then update my resume. it just feels easier in my head to not have that be in-tandem. ill just continue looking and applying, i HATE updating my resume)

🏥 ● reschedule dermatologist appointment ✅️ (i did do that, yes)

miscellaneous goals to remember next time:

☎️ ● set up physical therapy

⏰️ ● set up shower-clock

💊 ● set up my medications

🥱 ● set up sleep-therapy thing, since the amount i sleep and how wacky that schedule of sleep is has been concerning

[dearies-diary]

today's goals, as a disabled person (so no shaming if i dont do all/any of them today... the "no shaming" is me @.me btw, i doubt anyone reading gives a fuck lol):

(edited now that today is over)

🧥 ● pick up my jacket from the mall ("ship to home" wasnt an option for this particular item 🥲) ❌️ (didn't happen, place takes 30 to 40 minutes to get there and i woke up ~30 minutes before they closed) (HOWEVER, i was prepared to go out today and proceeded to do my mom a favor and got her groceries for her. so i failed to get my jacket today, but i succeeded in the general Pick Up Purchase task) ✅️

🫧 ● attempt picking up new laundry detergent and stain remover ✅️ (got to do that in tandem with my mom's groceries! fuck yeah!!)

🧺 ● keep washing stains out (i have a really bad one in a couple items, i dont wanna hear it) ✅️ (it's increasingly coming out, hopefully ill be done soon)

🎨 ● finish rendering one of my project's walk-cycles ❌️ (did not do, dinner made me sick)

💻 ● update or ready a resume ❌️ (did not do, dinner made me sick)

yesterday's completed goals: (shut up, i need this celebrated)

🧺 ● began washing stains out ✅️

🛌 ● make bed ✅️

🎨 ● do half of one walk-cycle's rendering ✅️

🔍 ● search for places i want to work at ✅️

🧼 ● do either a 3/4s or full shower-day (aka: not just shampoo+conditioner, but also body-wash, shave, and other hygiene-care) ✅️ i did 90% of one!! i just missed one thing that i went "..actually, idgaf this time. i know i did pre-shower. but Actually Nah". so im docking -10% since i did wanna do it until i actually started showering. next time!

miscellaneous goals to remember next time:

☎️ ● set up physical therapy

⏰️ ● set up shower-clock

🧼 ● ask mama if i can dump some of the laundry room shelf stuff, bc it looks overwhelming and i dont think we use 80, 90% of it?? ✅️ (i asked! and she let me! it is much clearer now!)

🐈 ● cat litter (🤢) ✅️ (i did it today, yay!)

💊 ● set up my medications

🥱 ● set up sleep-therapy thing, since the amount i sleep and how wacky that schedule of sleep is has been concerning

[dearies-diary]

then again, everyone and their mama agrees i'd be a fantastic receptionist 🤔

the way im so tempted to work at a Color Me Mine or similar pottery store.......

im gonna have to look at tiktoks and see what people are posting about what it is like to work there

[dearies-diary]

im such a fake streaming-fan

all my fave streamers?? i like their VODs better. and i like their edited-stream youtube videos the most!

im not a chatter, im a lurker 😔 i yap too much in one single message for how fast stream-chats tend to go, so i just stay shutted the fuck up (.......i also dont often read chat anyway. i cant read and process listening to people talk at the same time..............)

i like to rewind and pause, bc of ADHD and living with family and auditory processing disorder and whatnot. i dont like to feel like im missing anything, and pausing or even just rewinding even 10 seconds to re-hear a sentence while watching live makes me feel like i am missing stuff bc im not caught up with the rest of chat. it's less FOMO and more anxiety bc it used to be the stream would die when the livestream ended, so i could just get booted off even tho i was behind. that doesnt happen anymore on twitch or youtube, i think, but i stopped watching lives for that reason! i still get the anxiety of "ugghhh im not up with everyone else" too, but i also like watching stream from beginning to end! i dont like to drop in the middle and continue on, im sorrryyyyy, im just not built to be a live-viewer at this point in my life. plus that means im generally missing votes and stuff, or im like "huh?? hold on, idk the comtext yet" — add that plus "im not chatting" and like?? what's the point for me to be there live! im doing the same as i would be with a VOD or editted video, just with needless anxiety added into the mix!

even outside of lurking/chatting contexts: i can't write (or read) and listen to someone talk at the same time. even if no one taps my shoulder to ask me something, i gotta pause if i have a text or email or jot an item down on the grocery-list, ugghhhhh, it happens with music too, i can only write to instrumentals or if the language being sung is in one i cannot speak

i like seeing the edited-in zooms and silly music and memes and whatnot. they make me giggle! ConnorDawg and OrdinaryDream3r are the best examples of this, in my opinion. i like them guiding my eye, i like them directing me to "look, i made a silly face here" and whatnot or "hey, THIS was the thing in game that made me laugh, if you couldnt see it", y'know?? plus, editors are so creative sometimes. i love it, the consideration and effort and goofy sillies makes my heart warm and fuzzy!!

but hey!! i re-watch their VODs and editted videos! i either watch a video twice to make sure i processed all of it accurately, or i add it to my Panic Attack Recovery playlist or a similar "when i re-watch this playlist, i am BINGEING" type of situated playlist. so i may be a F- twitch toad, but i am an A++ youtube frog at least?? lmao at least it's SOMETHINGGG......

but i am still going "omg, i love watching streams too! who do you watch??" as if im not the picture definition of being on Team VODS & Edits lol but i recognize the foundation of my content is the fruits of livestreams!

but i am a fake streaming-fan

i AM STILL a valid streamer-fan. i know the streamers i watch in general still love my support no matter what, it still generates income and engagement, im still considered a true and genuine fan there, i am aware of that

but i am such a fake streaming-fan, ill admit it lol rip