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5/19/19
Dear Matt,
My boyfriend and I opened up our relationship. He started talking to someone else and so did I. This is how it all kinda played out. He met this girl at school that he was really attracted to and I half jokingly told him to go for it. So he did and they've been talking for a few weeks. Since chatting was escalating between the two of them, Michael and I decided that we would explore polyamory and see if that works for us and our relationship. Since he was talking to someone I was like, "Well, let me find someone to talk to." So out of boredom I downloaded some dating apps and tried my luck. It turns out that you can find better matches easier when you have a higher standard for the people you choose to talk to lol, because I met a guy and we hit it off very well. So well that within a day we met at a restaurant!! We vibe really well, very easy energy around him, and he makes me laugh -you know how that's important to me! He's into nerd shit, which I love, and I can talk to him about things that Michael and I find difficulty seeing eye to eye on. We're gonna meet each other again and I'm very excited for it!
But the only thing is. He reminds me a lot of you. Just the easiness of our conversations, the fun flirtyness, the way his texts make me laugh - all of that reminds me of when we used to talk. And today I thought, "Well, fuck. If Matt didn't have a girlfriend maybe I could be talking to him like this." The thought of that broke my heart. All the missed opportunities, my ignorance, and the regret came rushing back. I felt that tightness in my chest, that pang of guilt in my stomach. The lump in my throat. The tears spilling it of my eyes. I really fucked up.
I wish I appreciated our connection more when we had it. I'm so sorry that I didn't. I was cold. I was closed off. I was probably hurtful. I was stupid. A small part of me wishes I could go back and realize the good thing we had when it was there. I was too busy trying to look for someone else to make me feel important when you were doing that the whole time we've known each other. I'm sorry I didn't realize that.
The thing is, I wanted to feel important, but I didn't think I deserved to be important. I had to believe that I deserved that importance inorder to accept it from you. I had to believe that I deserved to be cared for in order to receive the care that you wanted to give me. I had to believe that I was beautiful and sexy in order to believe you. But I did not believe any of those things. Not then.
But now I do. Now I know that I am important. I do deserve care. And I'm a fucking badass bitch. Okkkuuurrrrr! Lol I'm sorry I just had to do that hahaha. And what fucking kills me is that I missed it. I missed the chance I had with you because of my own ignorance and insecurities. Remember in the first letter, that lesson I said this situation was supposed to teach me. Yeah. Well. It fucking sucks lol. I have to laugh about it so I don't feel sad. I also laugh because I know everything happens for a reason. I don't know what those reasons are, but I know I need to learn my lesson and truly appreciate what I have.
So this guy who I met. Who reminds me of you. I'm going to give him the treatment that I wish I could have given you when the time was right. I'm going to appreciate all that he does and says about me. And I'm gonna really be open and honest with him about my feelings. That's the least that I could do to make amends for this situation we're in.
So I'll let you know how it goes. The only thing I'm worried about is that I'll ruin other girls for him Lmaooo Not really. Well, kind of. Lol Remember that one time when you said that my blow job was the best you've ever had? Hahahaha I think about if that's the truth and I think, "Omg, what if I do that for this dude too??" Lmfaoo. But seriously. I know the woman I am. I am smart, witty, sexy, confident, honest, and understanding. Those are qualities that many people have difficulty harnessing in positive ways now-a-days. So I hope that our experience togetger (what ever it may end up being) will help him navigate through the muck and help him find the person that will make him truly happy, because I know I'm not that person for him and I don't want to be that person for him.
I wish I could be that person for you though. I hope things are working out with you and your girlfriend. Tbh I really don't hope that. I actually hope that you guys break up and you'll message me. And we can get to know each other again as the people we are now. But that's selfish of me. So I'm just going to say. I hope you're happy. I hope you see how amazing you are and I hope your girlfriend sees it too. I hope she truly appreciates the things that you do for her.
Because regardless if she appreciates you or not,
I do.
With love,
M
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5/14/19
Dear Matt,
I know that the lat time we spoke I told you that I didn't want to speak to you again. Well, it's not that I didn't WANT to speak with you, it's just that I can't. Like I said, its too difficult to be a bystander in your life while wondering what could have happened if we were ever something more than just friends. The regret that I feel for not telling you my feelings for you sooner weighs me down.
I know that everything happens for a reason, and we're meant to be at these different paths in our lives, but I can't stop thinking about the last day we had together. I feel like you brought out a part of me that I hadn't engaged with in a while. Because of our conversation, I started listening to musicals again, and I picked up my oboe again too. Just being around you and seeing your joy for music reminded me of how much I loved it too. I can't believe I forgot about that part of me. I've recently been working on letting go of my old, negative self, but I didn't realize that I was also neglecting the great parts about my past that I loved so much. Thank you for reminding me of that and inspiring me to reconnect with a world that's always had a special place in my heart.
So, since I can't talk to you in real life I decided to do this. My own personal "If I Could Tell Her". I'm going to write about all the things I wish I could talk to you about - my day, my life, my feelings - and I'm going to leave them here in public. Maybe someone else might read this and connect with it too. Maybe I'm not the only one going through something life this. Or maybe, just maybe, you might stumble upon this.
If you do, idk if I'd want you to reach out. Actually, I would want you to reach out, but not if you're dating someone. Because, tbh, it kills me to see someone else making you happy because I know that if I had gotten my head out of my own ass sooner that could have been me. But like I said, everything happens for a reason, and I was not the person that I am now when I had the chance to be with you.
Remember when I kept on asking why you had come back into my life for just a day? I realized that the universe wanted to teach me a lesson, and I fucking learned that shit lol. It wanted me to learn how to appreciate what's right in front of me and be grateful for what I have. I didn't do that with you, and I regret that. I was always like "ohh that's just Matt, he just wants to talk and chill and fuck" but I didn't realize all the ways you were trying to get me to notice you as someone more than that. And now I'm learning that lesson. And my punishment is that I can't have you in my life and I have to live with the regret of choosing to listen to my own fears and insecurities rather than seeing the signs of the great thing that was right in front of me.
So this will be my outlet. I'll pretend that I'm talking to you through here, and maybe it will help. Maybe it'll make it less painful. Maybe it'll help me be more honest with myself. Its just really eating away at me that I can't have you in my life and I don't know what else to do. So, I'll post here, let it go to the universe, and trust that whatever happens is meant to be.
I hope you're doing a little better than the last time we spoke. I hope you're starting to see how amazing you are. I hope things are working well with you and your girl nd that you find happiness. You deserve to be happy. As long as you're happy, I can live with this separation. You being happy makes this all suck a little less lol.
Well I have to go to work now, I'm definitely gonna be late lol.
With Love,
M
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